People Are Relieved To Be Telling Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Confronting My Estranged Brother At A Family Gathering?
“I (48M) have 3 siblings. I have 2 older brothers who are 53 and 51, and a younger sister who is 44. My older brothers and I lived in different houses growing up, as my parents were divorced and I lived mainly with my mother, while my brothers lived with my father and step-mother.
We’ve never been close due to the divorce, and we’ve been in low contact for almost our whole lives.
My oldest brother has 2 kids who are 18 (male) and 14 (female). When he had his younger child I reached out about meeting them, and he told me he never wanted me or my sister in their lives, and when I asked why he told me she “only wants mature adults around her children”.
He refused to elaborate and to this day I’m not sure where it came from.
My stepmother hosted most of our family’s events and holidays until she passed in 2017, and that was the only time I saw them. Even then I could tell my brother was encouraging both of his kids not to talk to me, as they both seemed uncomfortable when I was around.
After my mother passed my oldest brother was the only one willing to host and he did, but never invited me or my sister.
My brother and I went no contact after my step-mother died until recently. This past year, he and my sister had a long talk, and he started inviting her to family gatherings.
They had a small get-together yesterday afternoon, and my sister asked me to join her. When we got there, my brother seemed surprised to see me but didn’t say anything.
It was the first time I had seen my niece or nephew since my stepmother passed away, and when I went to talk to my niece it almost seemed like she didn’t recognize me.
A few minutes later, I overheard her in the kitchen asking my sister-in-law (her mother) what my name was, and that was when I snapped.
I started yelling at my brother and asked him if he felt good about himself and that my niece didn’t even know my name and it was his fault.
I told him he needed to grow up, go to therapy, get over the stuff that happened when we were kids, and leave his children out of whatever issue he has with me. After that, we were both screaming at each other and eventually he and his wife told me to get out of their house.
I left and when I got home, I had several text messages from family and friends calling me a terrible brother and uncle. My sister told me she understood where I was coming from but that I shouldn’t have started yelling in front of everyone.
My brother called me afterward and told me that he hoped I was proud of myself because I made my niece cry. I feel really guilty now, as I didn’t mean to upset her, and now I think I may have overreacted. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you showed up uninvited to a person’s house who you have been low and no contact with for literally years. Why would the 14yo know you???? You lost your cool and reaffirmed to your brother why he is NC with you. And he needs to “get over your childhood stuff” just SCREAMS ‘missing info.'” No-Locksmith-8590
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you came to his house uninvited after years and verbally attacked him in front of the kids, who you so want to trust and be part of your life. And then come here acting the victim. Whatever reasons someone has for low or no contact is reason enough and seems you are the one who needs to grow up and get therapy.” wewillmessyouup
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for causing an eruption at what was going to try and be a reconciliation meeting. You knew your brother disassociated from you decades ago, so it would make sense that his kids have no idea who you are. Do you think they stare longingly at pictures of you wondering when their unrequited nephewship will soon be satiated?
Your brother isn’t the only one who needs to grow up.” HeimdallManeuver
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take Out A Loan For My Partner's Cousin Who Overstayed His Welcome?
“Since October, my partner brought her aunt and her son to visit, with the intention of obtaining Portuguese citizenship for him, here in Spain. Both had a ticket back to Chile on January 20th. So, I prepared our second bedroom, which is my post-production studio, so they could crash there.
He’s like a brother to her because they grew up together.
But during their stay, I noticed certain behaviors that led me to the conclusion that they came with the intention of staying. I found out that the cousin was denied Chilean residency and he can’t return.
A couple of months later, I told my partner that I was uncomfortable having people in the house, that her aunt could return, and that the situation of obtaining Portuguese citizenship for her cousin could be resolved in Chile. She told me that he couldn’t do it because they had his Chilean residency denied.
I didn’t buy it. So I wrote an email to the Portuguese Consulate in Chile, and I exposed my case to a very polite woman and she told me that there wasn’t a problem obtaining his citizenship regardless of his legal situation in Chile.
Fast forward to January. Her aunt returned. He obtained his Portuguese citizenship, he stays 24/7 at home and never goes out, not even to see how the city works. Nothing. It is annoying seeing him every time I come back home. He claims he got a lot of interviews and potential employers say to him he can’t work.
My partner and I came to an agreement so he can stay February until he resolves his situation because I need my house empty by March. But last week, she asked me if I can ask for a loan from the bank so he can demonstrate economic means so he can obtain the NIE (Foreigner Identity Number), and return the loan.
It can be beneficial, but don’t want to do it because I feel like I’ve given up too much. My studio, my privacy, my comfort, etc.
The clock is ticking. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe just naive. And I don’t say that disrespectfully.
But your partner has clearly been “in” on this situation from the start. I hate to say it bud, but it’s all right in front of you, you’re being taken advantage of. By all three of them, particularly your partner. Don’t take out a loan, that’s probably one of the worst things you could do.
You need to set some clear boundaries and expectations because you’re being used. I’d send him packin’, but you’ll risk your relationship potentially in it. You’re obviously being used for your home by the family. Next is your money.” Dizzy_Archer_7133
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This feels scammy and seems your partner has been in on it. Absolutely DO NOT take out any loans in your name – you will never get any money back and you’ll be in debt. If she wants to help her cousin, it should be in HER name and on her.
Why doesn’t SHE take out a loan, mhm? Absolutely DO NOT tangle your financials with them.” katbelleinthedark
Another User Comments:
“You’ve had this freeloader for almost 6 months. With no home country? And your partner wants you to take out a loan for him. Very bad situation.
Almost dangerous. What is your relationship with your partner like? I would say remove them all, and let her support her extended family. Sounds very creepy. On top of everything, you think she lied to you from the beginning? Be very careful. Check with an attorney if you can remove them all.
Then review your relationship. Be careful. Oh, lock up your valuables and ID. Be careful.” 11SkiHill
19. AITJ For Refusing To Get Involved In My Son's Wife And Daughter's Disputes?
“My son got married a couple of years ago to Mia. Mia and my daughters fight like cats and dogs. Their personalities do not mix well. Many times I have been a peacemaker between them.
The last time I got involved I had to deal with them freaking out over a toy. Long story short Mia’s son broke a toy and she refused to pay for it. It was long and I tried to get both to meet and discuss it since their kids are friends.
She told me that I had nothing to do with this and to not get involved. She made it very clear that she would withhold the grandkids if I continued to be “an annoying busybody.”
So I have stayed out of it since but there is more family drama this week.
My daughter canceled last minute for an event and refused to pay her part since she wasn’t there. I think the bill went up 200 bucks or something.
I got a call from my DIL asking me to contact my daughter. I told her I wasn’t getting involved. This resulted in an argument about whether I could just do one thing and me saying I am not involved.
By the end, I told her I wasn’t getting involved just like you asked before. She called me a jerk for holding that over her head and my son is also telling me to just do it.
They both think I am being a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Your son could handle it – it’s between his wife and his sister. And it’s not your problem. Mia calls you an “annoying busybody” if you “interfere”, and a “jerk” if you stay out of it – as you were asked to do.
There is no winning here, so I would just stay out of it. NTJ.” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They can’t control you like a puppet or dictate your behavior to suit their needs. She established a boundary and you are respecting that. Either that’s not the boundary or it is.
But it cannot be a moving line when it fits her agenda. That’s not what a boundary is. If she wants you to be able to operate like an equal member of the family with free will without withholding contact with your grandson as ransom, she needs to let you know.
And ultimately, you don’t have an issue with her. None of this needs to be discussed with her. It needs to be discussed with your son. He’s either a weak man with no spine or a good husband, but he’s the one that should be dealing with any issues on his side of the family, not her.” Antelope_31
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to send everyone a text stating you’re no longer playing peacemaker. If they got beef with each other, they need to hash it out themselves instead of running to you like a 5-year-old tattletale. If that means you don’t get to see certain relatives as often as you want, okay, less chance of a fight breaking out.” Flat_Contribution707
18. AITJ For Setting Strict Rules For My Addict Father To Meet My Newborn?
“I (25m) am expecting a child in a month or so, my wife (26f) had a cryptic pregnancy and we didn’t find out that she was pregnant until the last two months of her pregnancy.
My biological father (46m) had found out from my sisters (17 and 15f) and reached out to me in hopes of being a grandfather.
Here’s our relationship background. Up until the age of 12, he had been in and out of my life due to his heavy substance addiction. At that age, I confronted him about his behavior (something no 12-year-old should have to do) and indicated that I would like him either in or out of my life but regardless of his choice, I would still like contact with my sisters.
He said he would be out of my life and I would not be allowed to see them.
Fast forward to the age of 21 and he tries to make amends and get in contact with me, but this time he loses my sisters to foster care… Because of his substance use.
This makes my sisters and me close and allows us to catch up on missed time as we are the only family that took them in.
After he cleaned himself up and took my sisters back, I cut off contact with him completely as my sisters constantly indicate how he mistreats them which I can’t technically do anything about because he isn’t doing anything illegal and I don’t want that in my life.
Well, my sisters told him my wife is pregnant and he reached out to me.
In my response, I had indicated that I forgave him for the past trauma he had put me through and that if he wants to be a grandfather I had some rules he had to follow in order to see the baby.
Those rules are: 1) a clean substance test prior to a visit + no showing up on substances 2) If I suspect you using you need to take a substance test in front of me 3) supervised visits with the baby until both my wife and I trust you 4) if you use again, just get help either NA, rehab or substance counseling.
He got angry and blew up on me and when my mom tried to call him to get him to understand he blew up on her too.
My sisters are upset and he is telling them how bad of a person I am and how I won’t let him in my son’s life.
They haven’t reached out to me regarding this and I have no intention of bringing it up to them, if they are upset with me they can tell me themselves.
I know this because my mom (40f) is close with my sisters after the foster care incident and they have told her how upset they are.
I’m just wondering if I did the right thing. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re protecting your child. Setting boundaries was the right thing to do, especially considering his past behavior and struggles with addiction. Your rules are essential for ensuring the safety and well-being of your son.
You have every right to prioritize your child’s safety and happiness above all else. Your sisters should understand why you’re taking these precautions.” MiaMeadowRue
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely, allowing a chronic addict to spend time with your child is a disaster waiting to happen. My dad wasn’t allowed to EVER see my daughters due to his lifestyle before he died and my mom refuses to not smoke in our house or around my girls so she hasn’t seen them in almost a year.
Your dad is choosing substances over his grandchild, don’t back down. NTJ.” GirlDad2023_
Another User Comments:
“I also have a ‘no substances around my kids’ boundary. A lot of people have that boundary about their kids. It’s a perfectly normal boundary and a lot of people don’t even need to say it out loud, because it’s such a normal assumption.
No substances around kids is common sense. I also have the common sense boundary of not hanging out by some cliffs with people who have a history of trying to push me off cliffs. Don’t push kids off cliffs. Common sense, right? The only people who get angry about my boundaries are people who want to use substances around my kids.
Or push them off cliffs. People who are either severely lacking common sense, or people who do not care what damage it will cause the kids. Normal people don’t get angry about normal boundaries. You’re definitely not a jerk for having boundaries around your kids.
The people who are upset by your boundaries are people who do not care about your kids’ safety.” Braign
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Tell Our Families About Our Second Pregnancy Until Later?
“My 25f husband 26m and I are currently pregnant with our second baby. Our first baby is about to be 10 months old.
Our families didn’t take our first pregnancy well. My husband’s family was a smidge excited but my family wasn’t. We FaceTimed our parents to tell them the news the first time and my parents’ faces dropped to frowns. After that, they made passive comments about it as well.
When my parents found out it was a girl a lot of things were said including that my husband “wasn’t family”. After that, they lied and told everyone they had to buy us everything for the baby (they bought the wrong size car seat and that was it).
I had to have an online baby shower because we lived in a completely different state than either of our families. When my sister confronted my parents about not sending anything for the shower they said “I had 9 months to get everything I needed”. When my parents came up for the delivery they harassed me about the part of my family that I don’t speak to saying “I had to be the bigger person and tell them because they didn’t want to be the bigger person and reach out”.
After having my daughter I set up multiple boundaries with them including the fact that it’s not my responsibility to make sure people are in my daughter’s life just like my dad did with my birth mom’s family. Now my husband’s family was of course in love with my daughter but over time they barely reached out and asked about her.
The most they do is comment on the pictures I post about how much they miss her but they never actually reach out to see her (we live states away but they don’t ask to FaceTime). Not to mention both sides don’t like her name and won’t respectfully say it.
They both made up the same nickname for her which she doesn’t respond to because no one else calls her that. At some point, I believe my stepmom forgot what her name even is since she now just refers to her as “granddaughter” not even the effort to say the dumb nickname.
She has a very unique name but it’s not hard to pronounce.
Both sides made my first pregnancy kind of miserable. They both would say “it’s no longer about you anymore” but at the end of the day, it wasn’t ever about my daughter either.
This made things very stressful for me and they both like to lecture about everything we do with our lives.
Currently, things aren’t perfect but we’re safe and sheltered and fed and have what we need. I know mentioning another baby would mean getting our phones blown up.
I want to actually enjoy this pregnancy and focus on my own family which is why I don’t plan on telling them until maybe 8 months pregnant or until the baby is actually here. AITJ for wanting that kind of peace from them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Are you both sure that you want to keep engaging with these people? The lukewarm reception to your daughter was one thing, but I’m not sure if I would want my kids around that negative energy. It’s kind of obvious to kids when relatives don’t really act like they want them around.” Reyvakitten
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My sister had children and everybody was very can’t wait, so excited, and now barely a care, so it seems like a common thing. She doesn’t live close to any of them, so it’s like out of sight out of mind.
If it helps you and your wife to be less stressed out, don’t tell them. BUT be prepared for the fallout, they will go after you it sounds like. You are in charge now, it’s your family, so you put up boundaries and you stick to them.
That’s all you can do. You can’t make people want to be more involved unfortunately but congrats on the baby!” outofhermind1
Another User Comments:
“Why would you tell these horrible people anything about your life if they’re just going to criticize and demean you?
If you and your husband are happy with your family as it is, just you two and your children, that’s all that matters. Stop inviting criticism from your birth families. It’s not worth the stress. If they ever want to be these “bigger people” they keep expecting you to be you can reconsider, but for now, I’d leave them alone.
It’s certainly not bringing anything good to your life. NTJ.” forgetregret1day
16. AITJ For Asking My Dad To Pick Up His Own Bowl?
“I (17F) finished dinner and was walking back to my room, on my way my dad got my attention from the living room and made a motion to ask me to pick up the bowl from his lap – sometimes he asks and sometimes he doesn’t.
When I groaned and complained I asked, “Why can’t you just get up?” He looked at me annoyed and said, “What?” So I repeated my question.
That got me a glare from my mum and what I can only see as an annoyed and confused look from my dad.
He mumbled something and started to move to get up, I looked over at my mum and said, “I didn’t hear him” to which I got a “Rude” from my mum and my dad said, “Don’t worry about it.” (I assume that what he said the first time).
I didn’t think it was anything completely rude, maybe a normal teenager on her period being a bit moody, but my mum looked like I told him to screw himself. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s all about family dynamics – if your dad treats you well, supports and helps you to achieve things that you want or need then the least you could do is to help him with such things as it costs you nothing, but if your relationship is not good and he doesn’t have any health issues making it hard for him to move around then you can choose to ignore helping him.
The choice is yours and it is on you how you build your relationship with people around you.” forgeris
Another User Comments:
“Your dad sounds rather nice, he didn’t get cross when you were iffy with him and your mom said you were rude, that’s hardly a train smash.
Your dad got embarrassed and started to get up. I presume you are fed, clothed and generally cared for, in the absence of you actually claiming bad parenting. Without more info I am going to go with YTJ, you were up and walking there was no real work in picking up his plate and putting it in the kitchen.
As a woman, I have to say that using your period as an excuse for being a jerk is a card that can only be used judiciously.” Fun-Plantain4920
Another User Comments:
“Personally I think NTJ because it’s a huge pet peeve of mine when people think they’re too good to use their words when addressing others.
It’s so demeaning. Flagging you down and motioning toward his bowl like you’re a servant rather than asking, “Can you set this in the sink for me please?” like a decent human being is ridiculous. Absolutely can’t stand when people do crap like this.” Hal_Thorn
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Partner's Car Club Trip Again?
“My partner is in a car club and every alternate year they do a long weekend trip, somewhere across the country which normally involves a lot of travel. The schedule is really full with lots of events starting early and gala dinners and awards nights so it goes quite late.
We (as a family) went on one in 2022 when our son was just over a year old. To say the trip was a disaster was an understatement. I spent the majority of the time by myself (with our son) while my partner and his family were off doing the car events.
I had to travel by myself (flight with stopover + hire car) and our son didn’t sleep well, he was teething and away from his normal home/routine (and could probably pick up that I was uncomfortable and stressed) so I was running off 3/4 hours broken sleep a night for nearly five days which I had to deal with alone because he had “big days ahead of him.”
My partner has now said that the car club has announced the dates for this year and he wants us to go as a family. It is a 4-5 hour drive and our son will be three. His car needs to be “show ready” and would not fit the car seat, porta cot, luggage, car cleaning/polishing kit, potential roadside repair kit, etc. It’s a classic car so it has no air conditioning and also as a classic car suspension isn’t great so on long windy and bumpy trips I get car sick – so I will have to take our son in my car and drive there and back on my own.
I’ve said I don’t want to go and to be honest, I still haven’t forgotten how terrible the last trip was. He thinks that I am being unreasonable and I just need to get over it because it’s a “fun” thing to do as a family.
He’s also said that if I don’t go he wants to take our son which I don’t agree with either. They have fully booked days and events going into the night so I don’t understand logistically how he is going to look after our son and I absolutely do not want him to be left with someone we don’t know to look after him while he goes out.
He thinks I’m not being supportive and missing out on the opportunity to spend quality time together.
AITJ for not wanting to go on a car club trip or not wanting my partner to take my son?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it’s time hubby finds out how fun it is to be the sole caregiver/parent.
He really needs to experience this 1st hand & without you there as an easy-out, backup plan to swoop in when he’s in over his head. There is only one way for him to appreciate all you do & not take your efforts for granted. Let him take the boy & you book a weekend getaway with a friend.
You don’t need to sit home alone being worried.” northwyndsgurl
Another User Comments:
“Classic car owner here. NTJ. It’s not a ‘family trip” It’s all about the cars & car guys. Other than the lack of car seat, I’d let hubby take the lad and let him see just how much car fun he’ll have when he’s the sole parent for the weekend.
Is it the Buick GS Nationals?” Chemical-Mood-9699
Another User Comments:
“NTJ this is him passing his hobby off as quality time. If you can’t fit the stuff you need into his car and it requires you to drive separately, how exactly is he planning to take your son by himself?
TBH I’d be tempted to call his bluff as he’ll almost certainly back out on taking him when he remotely considers the logistics. But yeah this is absolutely being done at your (and your son’s) expense, tell him if he wants family bonding time to ditch this event and you can all go to Disneyland.” Elivercury
14. AITJ For Resenting My Father's Partner's Control Over My Life?
“My (M16) dad (M42) is a busy man and we don’t communicate much other than a couple of words once every week. During my childhood, I’d feel neglected however I realized that in order to live privileged and well-off the way I do, he’d need to do that.
So I don’t view parental connections as particularly important (emotionally).
Now, my father has been seeing his partner (F28) for 3 months, who happens to be my Sociology teacher. This is not a coincidence. She only became a teacher through his connections. He wishes to marry her now.
It may be too quick but I don’t really care about her tbh as long as she doesn’t interfere with my life or play a parental role in my life.
For context, I’m a busy student too. I am a prefect who studies at home for 4 hours every day, who is the captain of the debate team, who plays on the basketball team, and has a hobby: finding people’s typology (Myers–Briggs Type Indicator/Enneagram, etc).
So there is a small society dedicated to this: it only consists of 4-5 people.
Now my father found out about my MBTI hobby (1 month ago) and he was not happy about it. I really enjoyed it however he did not like how it was a waste of time so I left the society.
Next, she moved in 2.5 weeks ago. She is very finicky about the house. Since my dad is never home, I can’t complain to him without having to communicate through multiple employees. If I eat anything from the fridge, she gets mad. If I set an alarm for school, she gets mad.
If I invite classmates over for literal school projects, she gets mad. Her final straw was when I secretly drank one of the bottles from my dad’s stash of booze. I do this often. Now, this is where I may be wrong but I’m a teen and I can’t be expected to be perfect 24/7.
She told my dad and now this is literally what prompted him to come home. Her complaints.
He was mad at me, and told me I often waste my time, especially with that MBTI thing and me constantly eating food (I do think I have a food insecurity).
I’m a very composed person and I do not see the point in expressing emotions whatsoever however when I’m being restricted to the extent someone he has known for 3 months is claiming space I have claimed since childhood, I need to speak up.
He used the excuse that my drinking is the worst thing I could have done to tarnish my image and told me how others would react to his son being a regular drinker (even tho I’m not).
He tells me I should listen to her and it’d be the end of the argument.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re 16 and you drink booze often? Considering your father’s wealthy I’m sure they’re strong and expensive. So if you do this often you are a regular drinker and as young as you are, drinking an entire bottle could be the literal death of you.
Worse, you could end up braindead and your stepmother will pull the plug. You’re far from perfect and sure your dad’s money can buy a liver or two but not if you don’t make it. YTJ in a major way get it together young man while you still can.” Pitiful_Net_5965
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk. You’re developing an unhealthy relationship with booze. For your own well-being, stop that now. Your dad’s partner sounds ridiculous. Of course you eat, you’re a teenager. Anyone with any common sense knows teens eat. A lot. And who doesn’t need an alarm to get up for school at your age?
Her complaints sound pretty unreasonable. Your dad sounds negligent, and he’s happy to offload responsibility to his partner, and then act like the boss when there are issues. Plan your escape, bide your time, and for goodness sake, lay off the booze. See if you can study at a friend’s place in the meantime.” NERepo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You spend this entire time talking up how this woman is the devil and then talk about how you stole and consumed booze as a minor. I was a teenager. I didn’t do that. Teenagers mess up from time to time but I personally believe that you aren’t as perfect as you think you are if you think you’re entitled to complain because you got busted drinking.” Ether-Demon
13. AITJ For Not Letting My Serial Two-Timer Father Move In With Me?
“My dad got caught being unfaithful to my stepmom. It was bad too and he wasn’t honest with me about it initially. I had to find out the truth from my stepmom. Anyways this is the 4th woman my dad has done this to and my mother was the 2nd.
I still hurt for my mom because he converted for her and then reverted back to his original religion causing my mom to get removed from her family because she was married to a man who wasn’t of the same faith as her. He knew full well that my mom would be removed if he did but still chose to.
Anyway, he continued to be unfaithful to my mom until I was 14 then he left the house to go live with his mom so he could be with the other woman. This background is important to note because I had thought he had gotten better but after all this, these negative feelings have resurfaced.
My dad called me today and told me half-truths and asked if he could move in with me for half a year until he gets back on his feet. I just want to point out my dad has always been a really good father to me and my brother but has always been horribly bad to my mom.
I really don’t want to have my dad move in with me because of the way he treats women. I’m worried that living with my dad as an adult will reveal things about him that I don’t want to know. Like I’m worried he will treat me as a maid like he’s treated other women and expect me to take care of him when he’s capable of doing that himself.
So would I be the jerk if I refused to let my dad move in with me because he’s a serial two-timer?
This might be important but my dad can not work. He is disabled.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ OP. If you are worried he will abuse his welcome and mistreat you under your own roof, you are not wrong here.
Your concerns and worries are valid. Given his track record of being disrespectful towards women, you don’t have to let him stay with you. If Dad starts to guilt and manipulate you, you stand firm and tell him NO. If he keeps at it to the point it borderlines criminal and abuse, you can ring the police on him.
Protect yourself OP.” Kangaroo-Pack-3727
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your Dad is a grown adult. But he keeps relying on women (Mom, you, his past wives…) to take care of him when things end with the last woman. It’s past time that Dad takes care of himself!
Tell him that you like him but can’t condone the way he treats women. And that he should think about getting a place of his own to live in.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your dad needs to be held accountable for his actions.
He can’t just expect you to upend your life and move in with you just because he’s blown up yet another relationship. Just say to him you need your own space and he’ll need to make other arrangements…..I’m sorry he’s making his issues your issues OP.
Maybe if he kept it in his pants he wouldn’t have to find a new place to live.” ColdstreamCapple
12. AITJ For Wanting To Split My Parents' Estate 50/50 Despite My Brother's Objections?
“My parents recently passed and we are going through the process of dealing with their estate. My parents put in their estate plans that my brother, Geoff, and I were to split everything 50/50.
Geoff approached me over the phone and said he deserves to have more of their estate because he believes he will be in trouble come retirement (which is a good 20 years down the road). He’s very good with money, has substantial savings, and makes a great salary.
However, Geoff lives in New York City, and because of that, he has not purchased a home. He believes being a homeowner is key to financial stability in retirement. He does not have children nor is married.
I am married with three kids. I am a homeowner and while I live in an expensive state as well, I was able to buy a home a while back when things were much cheaper, and once we sold that home, buy a home with the money we made.
Our income is together the same as Geoff’s alone. I believe I have more debt than he does and therefore am likely in a worse financial situation. My parents also gave me a small amount for a down payment about 20 years ago when we bought our first house but did not help us with our current home.
They also have given me a few thousand to pay down a medical procedure I had. I am not sure what they have given Geoff, though I don’t believe anything significant.
At one point, Geoff said he would like to take over their home – I believe to live, not necessarily to sell, but I’m not sure.
I told him that would only be acceptable if the value of the home equaled my parents’ other assets (which I don’t believe they do). He scoffed and said that he should at least get more because he doesn’t have as much security in retirement as I do.
(As a side note, he has twice as much saved in retirement as we do.)
I feel like we could go back and forth a million times about why either of us isn’t as secure as the other. I don’t think we should do that, and should just split everything up evenly and move on.
This is a trying time, especially since I’m the one dealing with their estate since he lives away. AITJ for just wanting to split everything up evenly and not give Geoff more?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – First off, my condolences on your loss. Geoff can complain all he wants.
The Will is what is important. If it states in the will that the estate is split 50/50 then there’s not a whole lot greedy little brother can do. Also, the fact that he wants you to sacrifice your retirement plans for his is just the worst. That part has to sting.
Tell him that it’s going to be split 50/50 and that you will not sacrifice your financial future for him. And if he ever comes at you with something like that again I would suggest going low contact with him until he gets his head on right.
Stand your ground, OP. This is what your parents wanted. Honor their last wish.” slap-a-frap
Another User Comments:
“Wow. You didn’t have to write all that. Your parents made the split 50/50. I’m sure they knew what your bro had, and they didn’t want to give him extra.
If it’s in their will, that’s it. As far as the house goes (if it’s separate from finances) determine the fair market value and allow him to buy you half out. If he can’t, you sell and with his half he can use it as a down payment.
And maybe tell him to retire in a low-cost-of-living city. NTJ.” VegetableBusiness897
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m led to believe probate is different in every state, but from what I’m experiencing from administrating my mother’s estate, I don’t even really believe there is a way for him legally to receive more than 50% unless you are taking the money you receive out of your own pocket and handing it to him.
Who “needs it more” should not even be on the table. Contact a probate lawyer. Also, I’m very sorry for your loss.” NoSalamander7749
11. AITJ For Complaining About My New Neighbor's Rude Behavior?
“So I just moved into a triplex about two months ago, I live right in the middle. One of the houses has been empty up until about a week ago.
The person who moved in introduced herself by banging on my front door repeatedly at 9 am and waking me up. When I opened the door she demanded I move my car – mind you, I had no idea who this was. She gave me no elaboration until I asked why, and then pointed over to the property, said “I live here now”, and then pointed to where my car was parked and said “So this is my spot”.
Understandable to ask me to move, but lead with that. Didn’t give me her name, didn’t introduce herself – that was my first impression. I was annoyed but went on with my day.
I worked a 6 pm-2 am shift that night, so when I got home, I did my normal shower, ate dinner, watched some TV, and went to bed. The next morning she comes banging on my door again, demanding that I “settle down earlier” because she could hear me walking around at 2-3am.
The walls are thin, I’ll give her that, but we do share walls. That’s what happens when you live in an apartment/duplex situation. I told her that’s when I got off of work and that won’t be changing, and she again told me to keep it down and left. This annoyed me more than the first one, but there’s not really anything I can do about it.
Then, a few days later, I came home to a car parked in my spot, meaning I had to park on the road. I know my neighbor on my left, so I knew it wasn’t his car. I decided to go and bang on her door like she had mine, and she opened it and immediately told me to never do it again.
Which I thought was funny. But anyway I told her to move the car and she straight up said no, and that because I wasn’t home the spot was open for her to use.
At that point I’d had enough so I sent a complaint to my landlord – because this was all in her first 3-4 days of moving in.
When my neighbor found out I complained she came to my door again and told me to leave her alone like a literal toddler. I don’t think I’m in the wrong but one of my coworkers said it was petty – AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh no, you are NTJ here. You’re just living your life, in peace I might add as evidenced by the fact you have no problems with your other neighbor. Then you have a charging rhino move in next door and everything goes to chaos. The problem with people like this is, of course, if they don’t get their way they will come after you.
What did your landlord say? He’s got to have some mechanism in the lease to protect you.” IamIrene
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your neighbor set the tone and did nothing to change her behavior. She cannot complain about being treated the way she treats others.
My bet is that she is used to people fearing her so she gets her way. Her sense of entitlement is over the top. However, it is reasonable to ask you not to make excessive noise at 3 am just like it is reasonable for you to expect decent treatment in return.
I hope things work out for you.” Pleasant_Test_6088
Another User Comments:
“Stop answering the door to this woman. She’s unpleasant and annoying and you’ve had a bad start to your relationship anyway. Just leave her out there knocking on the door when she isn’t expected anyway.
Have a chat with your landlord about expectations and let the landlord manage his tenants. If she keeps parking in your space, ask the landlord to have her towed. Welcome to the neighborhood new, aggressive, hostile, and seriously asinine neighbor lady. (No. You weren’t petty.
She was. And it’s easy for friends and coworkers to kneejerk dismiss our actual concerns. It costs them nothing to share their opinions, after all.) NTJ.” AndSoItGoes24
10. AITJ For Wanting To Remove My Friend From My Bridal Party After She Kicked Me Out Of Hers Because Of My Pregnancy?
“In Nov 2021 – my friend, we’ll call her Taylor, gets engaged and asks me to be a bridesmaid.
April 2022 – I get engaged and ask Taylor to also be my bridesmaid.
June 2022 – I find out I am pregnant and tell my friends including Taylor.
Aug 2022 – Taylor asks me not to be her bridesmaid anymore. Her wedding was in October.
She claimed she decided not to include me anymore because she “didn’t want to put any extra stress on me” with bridesmaid responsibilities.
I was disappointed but appreciated that she was looking out for my health. Turns out it was a lie and that while she was at a party with friends, the topic of my pregnancy came up and she said what she really thought about it (thanks to her drinking habits).
Taylor said several times how irresponsible and thoughtless I was for getting pregnant; it was unplanned, but my fiancé and I had been together for 6 years and living together for 2. She also said how annoyed she was that she had to replace me as my bump would “ruin” photos and make the day about me as people would probably talk to me about my baby.
After finding out that Taylor lied to me, I was extremely hurt. Our mutual friends had no reason to lie and multiple people told me the same story on different occasions so I know it’s all true. I completely understand Taylor wanting to not be “overshadowed” in her eyes, but it’s not like I planned it around her wedding.
I also gave her the opportunity to kick me out before by asking her at the same time I announced my pregnancy if I should still buy the dress and she said “of course! You’re still in the wedding.” By the time she had told me I’m not a bridesmaid months later, I had already paid for part of the bachelorette party, bought and altered my dress, and planned out all my and my fiancé’s travel and lodging for the wedding as it was across the country.
My pregnancy became complicated, so my fiancé and I decided to not risk it and miss the wedding. We told Taylor by her RSVP date and she understood, even sounded relieved.
I had my daughter right on time, and Taylor’s wedding was beautiful from the pictures I saw.
I’m happy for her but now I don’t know what to do for my wedding. We pushed back our date to prepare and save up more so I’m not getting married until this November but now that I’m back to planning I’m not sure how I feel about her being in it.
She has never admitted to her lie, she has no idea that I know about it, and our friendship has stayed good otherwise. But she still talks about people behind their backs (especially when inebriated) but then claims they’re “best friends” and she “loves everything about them besides…” so I don’t know what all she says about me.
I can’t shake the gross feeling I get when she asks me about my child or says how excited she is for my wedding knowing she went behind my back and said such mean things about me. So AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“It’s time to remove her from your wedding.
You will feel ill any time you are around her. It takes a special kind of nasty to make those kinds of comments about a woman’s pregnancy with her long-time partner. That said, it is best if you have a real conversation with her about it.
“Taylor, I want you to know that I know EVERYTHING you said about me, about my pregnancy, and about how I’d ruin the aesthetic of your wedding. I understand weddings can bring out the crazy in people but at the end of the day, your words were very hurtful.
ALL of your bridesmaids told me what you were saying and I heard it from other people too, so it’s not like you were discrete. Given that is how you felt about me, and the fact that you were probably the least supportive a person could be about my pregnancy, I think it is best if I replace you as my bridesmaid.
Whether you wish to come to my wedding or not is your choice, but I would prefer to be surrounded by friends and people who love and support me the day I am getting married.” Keep it succinct. Don’t fight. Simply call her out on her words and actions and then tell her that she will not be needed as a bridesmaid.
Do not allow discussion or justification. She doesn’t get to have an opinion on that. Most importantly, congratulations on your sweet baby. Being a Mama changes EVERYTHING. It changes your priorities but it also really lowers your nonsense factor.” lovetotravelanytime
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and congratulations on your baby!
Assuming your other bridesmaids don’t live even further away, I’d say something like, “Taylor, I’ve gone ahead and removed you from the bridal party at my wedding, though I’m still hoping you’ll come and see us get married. It’s just, you live so far away, and scheduling getting you here in time to participate in pre-wedding events is tricky.
I want to make sure you can focus on getting you and new hubby here for the wedding/reception, not having you worry about bridesmaid details.” She probably won’t come. And it may be the end of the friendship if she thinks you’re retaliating. But, do you really want someone as a friend who says mean things about you and lies about it straight to you?” CheckIntelligent7828
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you don’t have to include her at all in your wedding. You don’t owe her any explanation. You and she are in different places in life, you are now a parent and she is not. There is a lot about your world she doesn’t know.
The distance between you, miles, is another reason not to include her unless you want to treat her the same as she treated you but you don’t sound upset and want revenge as much as you would rather just leave her out of all of it.
That is fine as it sounds like your feelings about her have changed. Good luck and congratulations!” ConfusedAt63
9. AITJ For Ignoring My Partner's Late Night Calls After He Arrived Later Than Agreed?
“So I (26F) was out with my friend last night when my partner (30M) asked if he could come over. I said yes but when I get home and shower which won’t be till around midnight. He said ok.
So I get home, shower, and text him I’m home.
He texts back a half hour later with just “hey”. Then twenty minutes later “wyd”. At this point it’s like 1 AM. I say I’m gonna have some wine and watch a movie I guess. I figured he was at the bar or something and not coming over which is fine.
Because I told him midnight earlier and he was just making small talk.
At 2:30 I’m tipsy and tired so I turn off the TV ready to fall asleep. I’m half asleep when my phone starts ringing. I ignored it and went back to sleep. In my sleepy tipsy brain, I remember feeling like I don’t wanna argue with him and tell him it’s too late now.
In the morning just now I opened my phone to see he was calling because he was outside my house. Like 5 missed calls and texts. At 2:30 – 3:00. Now he is upset with me for not answering the phone or door. But I’m upset that I said 12 and he shows up at 2:30.
We usually hang out for like two hours. I can’t stay up til 4:30 in the morning.
I feel bad a bit, that he was texting and calling outside my house, but also I feel like he was in the wrong here. I don’t think I’m in the wrong here but he’s acting upset with me and like I should apologize.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Neither of you communicated clearly your intentions. A message to him saying you are tired and going to bed would have helped. Him stating a time he would be over if he was not coming over right away would have helped. You could have asked for a time he would be there.
If he was held up by a situation he could have communicated it. It all comes to communication and neither of you communicated very well.” BiblachromeFamily
Another User Comments:
“Dude tried to wake you up for a booty call and is PO’d you slept through his electronic begging?
Pitiful. Only desperate people need an instant reply. Don’t feel bad, send him a message asking why he’s peeved about you being ASLEEP when he called? What’s next, you’re under anesthesia in the OR, and your cellphone is 50 meters or more away, and he’s going to expect you to reply immediately?
Looks like it’s time to re-evaluate. What he should have done, after the second unanswered text is go home, and send a message the next morning apologising for interrupting your sleep.” JGCii
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I agree with the consensus that it was a miscommunication on both of your parts.
You told him midnight but when he texted you at 1 am you made it seem like you were going to be up for a while watching a movie instead of giving him a clear-cut deadline for calling it a night. Sounds like you both need to communicate your wishes clearly instead of assuming the other can read between the lines.” ktowndood
8. AITJ For Demanding Official Loan Statements Before Paying Off My Husband's Debt?
“I (27F) recently got married to my husband (29M), who has a student loan that he took out by mortgaging his father’s house (30k).
Both my husband and I want to pay off the loan, but there’s a significant issue with transparency.
The only records I have are handwritten accounts in a notebook provided by my father-in-law. When I requested loan statements from my husband, he said he didn’t have them.
Upon asking his father, he responded with, “Why is a loan statement from the bank required? Everything is written in the notebook.”
I’m not comfortable with paying off a loan without seeing any official details. After expressing this to my husband, he asked his father again for the loan statement, but his father refused, stating he would pay off the loan by himself.
I believe in financial transparency within the family, but my husband insists that asking for the loan statement will strain his relationship with his father.
Should I continue to demand the statements or should I be understanding and pay off the loan as written in the notebook?
What are the risks associated with paying off the loan according to the notebook?
AITJ for insisting on financial transparency in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“Very easy to claim there is a 30k loan when there is only 5, or not even one at all.
Family can be great til money is involved. And a lot of people think they are “owed” for raising their children. NTJ. Do not pay this loan without paperwork. In addition, I’d tell your husband to stop making payments til you see the paperwork.
This is very shady.” RSkritt
Another User Comments:
“You are not a jerk for asking for more information about a supposed debt you are supposedly obligated to pay off. If a mortgage on your in-laws’ home was taken out and your husband given the proceeds for his education, then paperwork for that mortgage exists.
If you are expected to help pay that mortgage off for your newly married husband, you have every right to see how much is owed and what the monthly payments you are expected to contribute to are. If your father-in-law decides that he prefers to pay off the mortgage himself rather than provide his new daughter-in-law with the mortgage documents, that’s his choice.
Frankly, I find that behavior very, very suspicious. NTJ. Don’t pay off the supposed mortgage until you see bank documents showing the existence and amount of the mortgage.” AbleRelationship6808
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the loan is in the father’s name, as it presumably is if your father doesn’t have records, then you have no way of knowing if you’d even be paying it off, the risk is all on you, and there are enough families where parents exploit their kids where it’s not worth the risk.
Payment should only go directly to the bank, and if you actually want to pay it off (rather than necessarily trust what your FIL thinks) then you would need to get the amount to settle the debt directly from them. There’s almost no chance a notebook is going to be accurate there due to the exact dates on interest calculations.” JibberJim
7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Dad To Walk Me Down The Aisle?
“I (33f) am getting married in a few months. I do not like receiving a lot of attention or being the sole focus.
Birthdays, pictures, presentations at work… whenever I’m the sole focus of something I start to choke and get these ugly red splotches all over my chest and neck. We both love our families and would like to share with a small number of guests but we also know our families would want full weddings and we’d never hear the end of it.
We decided to do a small wedding with a very quick ceremony outdoors.
We planned for a wedding that we could afford ourselves. Both of our families offered to help pay and we declined just so there would be no strings attached. We told them if they really wanted to give us money to wait until the day of to make it a wedding gift. My parents kept insisting and after talking with my fiance we agreed to take it early and just put it in our account.
We aren’t using any of it to pay for any portion of the wedding.
I was at my parents’ house this week going over some wedding stuff with my mom when my dad started to talk about how he couldn’t wait to walk me down the aisle.
I told him that there wasn’t going to be an aisle to walk down – we are going to do semicircle seating with my bridesmaids and me coming out of our dressing tent from one side of the ceremony at the same time my fiance and his groomsmen come out on the other.
No walking in pairs or one at a time, no slow walks.
They did not like this and told me that we need to fix the seating so he can walk me down the aisle or I walk out by myself so he can walk me because he’s always anticipated walking both me and my sister down the aisle.
I told him no, but a father-daughter dance is doable while my fiance dances with his mom, or we can implement the unity candle where he hands me the candle instead (as it stands, no unity candle). I told him I’m open to other ideas to compromise on but I’m not walking down an aisle just to make him happy because I don’t want to increase the chances of being all splotchy on my wedding day.
I’m even encouraging our bridal party to make announcements during our wedding to avoid constant attention so that the focus can be on others too.
Some of my family has been reaching out to tell me I’m being selfish and disrespectful to my father after he’s helped pay for the wedding.
I’ve had to correct them that he isn’t helping to pay – we’re paying by ourselves and that I offered him alternatives, but aisle walking is completely off the table. My mother keeps telling me how disappointed she is in me. I don’t think I’m being disrespectful and have offered good compromises but I may be too close to the situation so I have to ask AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I agree with you NTJ. If you and your fiance are paying for your own wedding, there is no reason to not do it your way. Your parents should not be throwing the I’m so disappointed in you guilt at you because you want a small wedding, no walking down an aisle, etc. Your dad may have been dreaming of that for years, but it doesn’t mean you have and IMO it is about the bride, not the dad.
We had a small wedding, no walking down aisle, I know my daddy would have loved for us to get married at the church and walk me down the aisle but it was not what I wanted – like you, I do not like being the center of attention at all, so I do understand where you are coming from.
I wish you the best on your wedding day and hopefully your dad won’t be standing outside the tent to walk beside you when that is not what you want.” RosieDays456
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like a lovely wedding. You’re paying for it yourself, and you can do what you want.
I would have a sit with your mother about the disappointment conversations. To look at you as a beautiful daughter with all your accomplishments and tell you, you are a disappointment over not walking down the aisle because you will look like a red splotchy mess is just “disappointing”.
Her words to you are hurtful, and she should want you to be beautiful and filled with joy on “your” day. She needs to know how she is making you feel, and she is casting a shadow by not supporting you. If she continues, then tell her placing guilt on you is not love, and she should be loving you in this moment.
Men are visual. I would show your dad a picture of what you would look like if you allowed him to walk you down the aisle. Use Photoshop or show him a pic of you actually looking like that. Ask him if walking you down the aisle like this is what he really wants for you.
You would not be beautiful being red and splotchy. You would feel horrible and insecure, there would be no joy in your heart because you know you wouldn’t be looking your best for your husband. Is his dream more important than your reality? The picture and your words may hit the mark.
I know just telling them no and doing what you want is enough. I think you really want peace, so these are my thoughts.” lilolememe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your wedding and it should be what you want it to be. That said, you’ve offered a couple of good solutions for your Dad– like adding a unity candle so he has a small role in the ceremony.
I would explain it’s important for him to be there and have a role, but it’s not going to be the one he originally wanted. Plus, lots of brides don’t have their dads walk them down the aisle anymore because it signifies old practices of passing the bride as property.
They have both parents walk them, or walk down alone. But have you seen anyone about your scopophobia? It is going to hurt you in life and work. At some point, we’re all the center of attention. Some of us like that more than others, but having a physical reaction to it so that you have to avoid it at all costs, could become a problem.
There are therapists that can help with this. You don’t have to change anything for your wedding but maybe think about it for the future.” profmoxie
6. AITJ For Giving My Gossipy Co-worker The Silent Treatment?
“I intern in an office where I assist associates on their projects. There are other interns besides myself. I enjoyed working here until a new associate (we’ll call her NA) joined the office. She seemed very friendly and sometimes hung out with us interns after work.
However, she became too personable at work that it encouraged my co-interns to be less productive. As time went on, she began gossiping about other associates, which made me wonder if she also gossiped behind my back.
A few weeks later, NA and I had a work-related argument one day, and we spoke about it in her office in private.
I found out the next day from a co-intern (co #1) that NA told him very specific details about our conversation. This frustrated me because NA and I had agreed to keep our discussion private. I called NA out on this the following day and she denied it, claiming “he must have overheard.”
The last straw happened a few weeks after this when one of my co-interns (co #2) did not complete her daily tasks because she spent the day with NA in her office talking about her personal life, leaving co #2’s tasks to fall onto me. I spoke with the office manager about it and NA overheard it.
The next day, NA told co #2 (behind my back) that I “was talking nonsense about her to the office manager.” At this point I decided I didn’t want to assist NA with her projects because of her tendency to gossip about others while expecting the interns to view her as a supervisor.
I spoke with another associate who has seniority over NA, and he agreed to assign me more of his projects in place of NA’s.
I then went to NA’s office to tell her I wouldn’t be helping her anymore. She angrily stated she was the supervisor and that I had to listen to her.
I responded that she doesn’t act like a supervisor by gossiping about co-workers behind their backs and refusing to own up to it when she’s called out on it. During this argument, she interrupted me, refused to acknowledge my perspective, and even claimed that she had done nothing wrong.
By now it felt pointless to try to resolve this any further.
We both left the argument angry, and since then I’ve set my boundaries by refusing to speak with her if unnecessary. I don’t greet her or acknowledge her presence. If either of the office owners ever assign me a task that would require me to speak with her, then I will keep it short, but this is yet to happen.
I’ve been much happier since I’ve not been interacting with her. I still assist other associates with their projects. I sometimes feel bad when I notice her briefly glance over at me from the corner of my eye and I can see that she’s visibly hurt.
I don’t get any joy from seeing her upset, but I just can’t bring myself to interact with someone who continually stabs me in the back and denies any wrongdoing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but watch your back. This could get you into trouble later if whoever is in charge does not think you handled it correctly.
Ghosting someone at work is a high-risk strategy, particularly for an intern. Make sure the office owners don’t get the sense that you are causing drama in an otherwise happy office.” Squiggles567
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Her for being what you described, but you for taking this so far.
You’re keeping this going and being part of a silent but hostile environment, and you’re only an intern. When you’ve got beef with someone in a senior position to yourself, you gotta be twice as good. Twice as professional. You really shouldn’t be needing a supervisor to intervene, nor should you be giving a visible silent treatment.
Be professional, smile, say hi…don’t say anything of importance or of value. But face it, if her bosses wanted to let her go because she’s a gossip, they would have done that already.” Spare-Article-396
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I was gonna go with everyone’s a jerk here because she sounds difficult.
BUT – you are not her manager and her behavior is not yours to manage (“calling her out”). You seem to go nuclear over absolutely everything and now you have made it super weird. To be clear, the proper way to address this should have been to your direct supervisor, who will either do something or not, and focus solely on instances where her behavior impacted your work.
Like, it’s fine to be upset your colleague’s tasks fell to you – so address that politely with your supervisor, but then going around to several more people to try and get yourself assigned to other associates is just stirring nonsense. And refusing to speak to her is incredibly childish.
You’re an intern. The whole office environment is not all about you. You are certainly not the manager and you have shown 0 tact in how you handled this. Guess what, you will encounter all kinds of difficult people in your career, and eventually, you’ll need to learn how to handle it in a mature way.
This ain’t it.” antizana
5. AITJ For Ordering An Expensive Dish When Treated To Dinner?
“Normally when I am being treated to dinner, I will order from the middle of the menu or get something lighter and avoid the expensive items.
My partner’s friend (also my friend but I met him through my partner) got a new job and took us (partner + me + 2 other friend couples) out to dinner and said “Everyone please get whatever you want—this place does a great surf and turf, I really recommend it.” Now—if he had just said “get whatever you want,” I wouldn’t have gone for something expensive, but since he specifically recommended ordering the most expensive dish on the menu, I took that as a signal that this was an ACTUAL “get whatever you want” and ordering expensive would be ok.
I went ahead and ordered the dish I wanted most, which was near the high end of the menu.
Our friend took care of the whole bill, including appetizers (which he ordered several of for everyone to share) and drinks. Most people got a cocktail.
On the drive home, my partner lectured me about ordering an expensive dish and how I should know that when someone says “get whatever you want” it’s not free rein to wring them for every single dime. I think it’s unfair to act like I am some habitual greedy hog when this is the first time this has happened, and it was only because he specifically recommended the most expensive thing.
I feel like if I was treating people to dinner and I wanted them to ACTUALLY go nuts and order whatever they really wanted, that is what I would say to signal that it was ok? Is that crazy?”
Another User Comments:
“In general, a rule of thumb is do not order anything more expensive than the host, do not consume more booze than the host, do not order appetizers or desserts unless the host is also having those courses.
But, in this case, where the host recommended the surf and turf, which I assume was one of the most expensive items, I think you are OK. I think your partner was a bit out of line. He probably has similar rules of thumb as I do.
He may be worried about the host, his friend, judging you, or being angry with him about this meal. NTJ.” Aggravating-Pain9249
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems like the friend was getting enjoyment from being able to celebrate and treat. I get it. When I’m able to, being generous makes me feel great.
You trusted that he was offering what he wanted to and took him up on it. Assuming there was no body language or waffling nervousness when you ordered a pricier item, and that you politely thanked them, well done. You made someone feel good by accepting their generosity with gratitude!
Now onto your partner… hmmmm. What he said is… not great. And taken at face value, it indicates he doesn’t have a very kind opinion of you. There may be more going on here. He may feel insecure that his friend was able to spend money on treating everyone in a way that he can’t.
He may be overly self-conscious of the way he’s viewed by his friend and doesn’t want to appear “classless” (eye roll) by his partner — in his eyes — jumping at the chance to spend someone else’s money. Either way, I’d re-explain the situation to him, cause you did nothing wrong, and ask him why he judged you and if that’s really what he thinks of you.
His response could definitely give you a reason to react more seriously.” Anxious_Engineer_504
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The guy mentioning and recommending one of the highest-priced/fanciest dishes would have led me to think the same. Question OP, did your partner say anything about his friend having an issue with it, or anyone else in the group?
If just your partner, a bit odd and dramatic on his part. You didn’t take liberties. Ordering multiple sides, dessert, your own starters, cocktails, etc, then yeah sure. Sounds like you just had a main dish, nibbled at some sides that were for sharing, and had 1 or 2 drinks?
That’s fine imo.” Wrong_Midnight_1618
4. AITJ For Suing My High School Over Lost Transcripts, Resulting In Layoffs?
“Back in my early 20s, I messed college up and failed out. I had been trying to get back in for an unhealthy amount of time before deciding to go to a trade school instead. Still, both colleges and trade schools require high school transcripts.
And mine are encrypted by ransomware. The high school I went to originally told me they’d do absolutely nothing about having my transcripts lost to ransomware.
This forced me to initiate a lawsuit against my former high school, that I graduated from in 2017. Their insurance was rather subpar, which meant they had to pay for a good part of the expenses.
The funds for the schooling have significantly decreased, meaning they’ve had to cut back on a few things. Some people got laid off, which is where my former friend comes into play.
She’s one of the people who got laid off, and is blaming me and my lawsuit for it.
I feel like it’s not my fault. If they didn’t screw up with the transcripts, none of this would have happened. Yet she still blames me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It is 100% the school’s fault, and you are within your right. You also didn’t know your friend would be laid off if you did this.
It’s like someone crashed their car into yours and now you’re being blamed for them being in the hospital by someone who works for them. Technically, if you weren’t there, it would not have happened, but that does not mean it is your fault.” DutchNotSleeping
Another User Comments:
“I’m an attorney and sometimes I deal with insurance that covers lawsuits. This whole case just sounds like something I’d absolutely just laugh at as I read through the documents. First of all, it’s absolutely not your fault. Schools have crappy IT departments and crappy internet security.
It’s a major issue that hardly any school district addresses and there’s some fairly sensitive information that schools possess. You were a child when you went through that school and had no way of changing or affecting your school’s policies. Secondly, your lawsuit shouldn’t have already caused an increase in rates that would drastically change the school’s budget.
Unless I’m reading this wrong and you already won like a windfall amount, and now the insurance provider has realized how screwed up the school actually is and increased rates based on the bigger picture. What you are describing is a much larger budgetary issue that is likely caused by insufficient taxes and runaway inflation.” PoopSommelier
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s more the school’s fault than yours. You’re just an easier target than the school/district’s admin to take her anger out on. You’re more accessible than they are. Her anger hurts you more than they ever would be, satisfying her need for someone to be “punished” for her unfair situation.
It sucks that she can’t see that it was their incompetence that has negatively affected you both, instead of implying you should have dealt with the consequences on your own instead of holding them accountable. Blaming you for this would be like blaming her for her school’s actions in the first place.
It doesn’t make sense and she should know that. Stress and fear make people do and think dumb things. Hopefully, soon she’ll see that she unfairly blamed you and apologize. In the meantime, I would avoid her and carry on with your plans. It’s not your fault.” Pitiful-Ambition6131
3. AITJ For Calling Out My Mom At Her Engagement Party After She Replaced Me With Her Fiancé's Kids?
“I (17M) have a strained relationship with my mum (35F) after an incident that happened about six years ago. My mum was super strict and a helicopter parent, so we fought a lot over my grades and the trouble I got into at school. She had essentially abandoned me, signing over custody to my dad after I had told her something along the lines of “I hate you” and “I wish I lived with dad” – typical things an angsty preteen says to their parent.
But that fight seemed to have broken her and she cried before dropping me off at my dad’s apartment. I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal and I would just see her the next day after she proved her point, but she left me there.
After that, things got essentially worse for me. My grades dropped and I kept getting into trouble at school, almost to the point where I was kicked out. My dad never had job security so money was tight. His partner also wasn’t fond of me, saying I was “dumped” on them.
I wanted to go back to live with my mum.
I thought to apologize, but my mum had essentially moved on with her life. She went back to college to get her degree and was always studying, and later on was focused on her new work.
On the weekends I would get to see her, things were tense between us. She tried so hard to be the “fun” parent, eating takeout and leaving me to do what I wanted, but it was so unlike her, and we became more estranged.
Three years ago, she started seeing Paul (39M), a widower with two daughters (9F and 13F).
She started treating his daughters like they were her own and they started calling her “mummy”, which irritated me. Eventually, they moved into my mum’s house and changed my childhood bedroom into one of the daughter’s rooms. I was livid when I found out, saying some mean things about the girls, and refused to go back there for my mum’s weekends, but she was confused about why was acting this way.
Because of this fight, she thought I wouldn’t be attending the engagement party when she announced she and Paul would be getting married. Besides, she didn’t want me there to ruin the perfect picture of her new family. So I made it a point to go to the party and called her out on her behavior.
I wanted to confront her and tell her she wouldn’t have to bother with me after I go off to college, but I may have taken it a tad too far. Everyone kept talking about how Paul’s daughters were like her children and how it would be when she had more kids and it snapped something in me.
I called her a horrible parent and told her she was trying to replace me with “the little brats” after she had abandoned me, along with some other insults I don’t really remember.
Paul kicked me and my dad out, saying I was a jerk for making his fiancée and girls cry and ruining the engagement party.
He said I wouldn’t be allowed to the wedding unless I called and apologized. I may have taken it a bit too far but my dad agrees she had it coming after she abandoned a young child at an age when I needed my mother.
So AITJ and should I apologise?”
Another User Comments:
“It is very obvious that you have some deep emotional issues towards your mom and you feel abandoned. Ultimately she is the parent and she has to take the majority of the responsibility for the way your relationship has turned out.
But quite frankly, I think you need to really take a look at the role you played in this as well. You acknowledged that you hurt her feelings when you told her you hated her. You just assumed you’d see her later. Did you apologize to her?
You said she tried to do fun things with you on the weekends but you also said you didn’t like that either. At no point do you actually say you apologized to her at all. Instead, it seems like your behavior escalated and you continued to lash out.
Your mom could have possibly tried harder but it seems like she is darned if she does, and darned if she didn’t. You have made your feelings of hurt and resentment and abandonment very clear in this post. At what point do you acknowledge that your mom is also a person with feelings and that you may have continuously, without apology, hurt her too?
Not sure if I want to call you a jerk, but I don’t want to call your mom one either. No jerks here??” heyitsta12
Another User Comments:
“Hi child of divorced parents here. From the bottom of my heart, YTJ. Trying to help your child and being strict with them after they get bad grades and get in trouble at school is normal. You didn’t like the consequences of your actions so you lashed out.
And you got exactly what you wanted. She was too strict and helicoptering? You hated it. She was the chill weekend parent? You hated it. Didn’t want to live with her? Got what you wanted. Deal with your actions and stop blaming her for them and please please either apologize and change your tune or leave that woman and her family alone.” silvershadow545
Another User Comments:
“You would have had an ESH from me had you aired out your grievances against your mother in a more mature and private manner. But the fact that you used an event to do it and involved people who had nothing to do with your situation…massive jerk move.
You didn’t want to live with her; she does you your favor and lets you be with your dad. You regret it and try walking it back yet you feel things got worse. So tell me why exactly would you make things even worse than they already feel?
People grow. Perhaps she wasn’t mature enough when she had you and you refused to give her a chance (I don’t care if it’s a teenage tantrum; what’s said can’t be walked back as if nothing). So now her life has stability with Paul and his girls; she has grown enough to be a caring person.
If you truly wanted her love or attention, you would have been happy for her on that day; you could have said something along the lines of “despite our troubles and how we feel about each other, I’m happy you found Paul.” THAT would have shown maturity on your part and allowed a chance to address grievances later on.
Remember: YOU were the one who wanted to leave her. Welcome to the real world, where actions have consequences, sometimes irreversible.” Otherwise-Pirate6839
2. AITJ For Overshadowing My Sister-In-Law's Partner With My Birthday Gift?
“I (24F) have been with my partner Lexi (26F) for the last 7 years. Her family is small and we are very close with them.
More recently (about 10 months), my sister-in-law, Sam (26F), has started seeing Dave (30s? M).
Lexi and Sam are twins and the kind that really enjoy being match-y, so for their birthday I got them matching necklaces.
I also got more for just my partner in addition to that, but her necklace was the largest part of her gift.
When we met with Sam and Dave shortly before noon, I then gave them the necklaces together. They were very happy with them and said they loved them.
We then went out to brunch together which is a normal tradition on any of our birthdays.
While we ate Lexi and I discussed our plans for her birthday, and then to be polite I asked what Sam and Dave had planned. Apparently, Dave plays field hockey at the local rec center with friends and planned to head there shortly after we ate.
This led to a bit of an uncomfortable pause where Sam seemed a bit upset.
We often spend birthdays with Sam, so I didn’t think it would be a problem to invite her to come with us on some of the plans we had for the afternoon (ice skating shopping, and a painting class).
I went to settle the check and stopped at the bathroom before leaving, but while I left the bathroom Dave confronted me. He asked me what I thought I was doing making him look bad. He said since I am a woman he would let it go this time, but in the future, if I plan to get Sam any gifts I have to ask him first, so I don’t overshadow anything he gets.
I didn’t know what to say so he just kind of stood, till someone else came by the bathrooms causing him to leave.
Personally, I felt I did nothing wrong, but maybe the gift I gave Sam was too much? Lexi and I are pretty well off, and I know Dave works a blue-collar job, so it’s possible he just felt insecure that he couldn’t afford a gift or pay for our meal.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You didn’t make Dave look bad. Buddy Boy did that all by himself. Sucks to be him. NTJ. You don’t have to run your presents by Dave. For his approval. And WTF he is going to “give you a pass” cause you are a woman.
A little overly aggressive, don’t you think? Dave could have spent time with his partner on her birthday. It wouldn’t have to be expensive if he can’t afford extravagant gifts. But he would rather go play with his little friends. And it looked bad in comparison to you.
And now he is salty about it. Hahahaha.” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No freaking way. Dave is shallow, inept, and absurd. The only thing that made him look bad in front of his partner was him being MIA and self-involved on her birthday. Tell him the truth.
“Your inaction is being seen as indifference and you want to whine and blame me for scratching your backside when you could have planned a party or made reservations to go to a show? You could have planted a terrarium garden as a gift. You could have serenaded her at the dinner table.
You could have paid someone to dress in costume and come in and recite her favorite sonnet even. What you actually did was nothing. So, STFU. Doing nothing will always make you seem like a sad sack. You aren’t in second grade here pal. No one has to trip you for you to fall flat on your face.
Obviously. But, to me, you are no longer a sad sack. You’re my personal joke. That was some superior clowning man.”” AndSoItGoes24
Another User Comments:
“I hate it when people are expected to dim themselves because they ‘make someone else look bad’. Unless it’s an extreme case, instead of looking bad, they need to step up and do better.
Not expect someone else to step back. I had this with my brother. He wasn’t getting on with his kids, and it was complicated by the parents being divorced. The kids were going into their teens and struggling. I was there for them, particularly my niece, who was 13.
My brother got angry at me because his kids seemed to like me better than they liked him, and he wanted me to step away and not support them anymore. I was like, dude, I’m not going to take support away from struggling kids. If I’m making you look bad (and I wasn’t even doing that much), then you ARE bad, and you need to do better.” regus0307
1. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For New Furniture My Partner Wants But I Don't Need?
“My partner and I live together and most of the furniture we have we either paid 50/50 or one of us brought it from where we lived previously.
We have all of the essentials now so anything else is more for decoration.
My partner has decided she wants to buy a new chest of drawers despite nothing being wrong with the current one we have, she wants new curtains, a new sofa, and a new bedside cabinet.
She was looking online and priced everything up and told me what it would cost us each.
I told her I didn’t see the need to replace the furniture we currently have since it was all pretty new and there are no problems with it.
I like the sofa we have and I don’t want a new one for example. She just said that the ones she found online look nicer and she wants them.
I told her if she wants to buy them then she’ll have to buy them herself since I’m not buying something I don’t want/need. She said that wasn’t fair since we both live here so should both be paying for them.
I told her she can’t just decide she wants to buy something and just expect me to be paying towards it.
She just repeated that I was being unfair for refusing to pay for things in a shared home. AITJ for refusing to pay for things I don’t want/need?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I find your stance on this completely fair. Btw, chasing new things just because “you want them” is the sure road to bad financial status. You should always look at whether you can afford something, are you willing to pay for something before considering if you want it.
The world is full of great stuff you could want and it could wipe out your bank accounts in a matter of seconds and you would only have acquired a few of the wonderful items that you could want.” FragrantEconomist386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is right, you have to pay together when you decide together to buy something.
If you think your furniture is in good condition and she only wants to replace it or buy more for decoration, you don’t have to pay half because these purchases don’t meet YOUR needs, they meet HER needs.” Asciutta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A shared home should be – best case scenario – a place where no one calls the shots all by themself (except, when you’ve already established that e.g. only one of you takes care of specific stuff).
That said, deciding on new (big, expensive) furniture like a new sofa or drawers actually shouldn’t be her decision, but should be discussed with you beforehand. Cause it’s not only the price of the new furniture but also the style (that should fit you both!), it’s also the labor of getting rid of the old stuff and also picking up the new stuff, maybe, in case of drawers even taking significant time off to build this furniture up.
So, her simply presenting you with the final pricing actually is already a bit overstepping in my opinion. Her then complaining about you, refusing to pay for the new stuff/wanting to keep the current furniture is already beside the point: It shouldn’t be her, all alone, deciding on those things.
My advice: Moving in together is hard. Try to find some common ground and lay down some ground rules. If she shall be in charge of the whole home (especially lookswise/aesthetically) then she should be allowed to decide when getting rid of old couches.
But if you two decide that you are both in charge of the home, every decision towards changes in your home should be mutual and communicated in advance!” Beneficial-Ball8375
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