People Want Our Solutions To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

Jerks are usually subjective, meaning that one person can think someone's behavior was totally uncalled for, while someone else could think that they were completely in the right. So, how do you know when someone's really being a jerk? You gather opinions, and majority rules. Read on and let us know who you think the jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

19. AITJ If I Want To Live Out On My Own?


“I’m the oldest out of ten kids, so my family is large. And I love my siblings and both of my parents. I love them all and they love me. I’m a lot like a second mother to the kids. But I can’t stand living with them all.

For one, I am an introvert. So ten kids and two adults in one family, not to mention practically everyone besides me are extroverts hard. They are always full of energy because they always have people around. I’m always tired since I almost never get true introvert time.

They do try to be understanding most times, and let me hide in my and my sister’s room. So I manage to hold myself together. And they do try to give me true introvert time by leaving the house on Sunday evenings when they can. And those few hours are just amazing.

But I hate being tired all of the time.

They try to help with my introverted needs, but then sometimes they’ll use that against me by telling me I spend too much time alone and that I need to socialize more. Pretty much all I do all day is socialize, because they talk to me, even in my room.

Sometimes they tell me I’m not doing anything to support the family, and that stresses me out because I am trying so hard to help, but I also am so tired from being with people almost 24/7.

Reason two is because there are so many people, the house is always a mess.

I’m someone who loves to organize, but the kids all hate cleaning and organizing. So… the house, more often than not, is trashed. My parents are working on this with us all, but it is so stressful.

I’ve given up cleaning up after anyone else. I try to do my chores, but no matter what I do, everything is a mess.

I don’t mind cleaning, but I mind cleaning up after ten people. I try to keep my own room clean, but my sister is also messy, so our room is usually trashed… and that rubs off on me, because I just give up.

Again, I love my siblings and wouldn’t trade any of them for the world.

I’m also protective of them and they are of me. I do have fun with them, and we are all friends.  But living with them… I. Want. Out. And this really seems to concern my parents. They don’t really understand me, though they try. I’ve kind of given up explaining myself to them as well, because they are both extroverts.

My dad especially has a very hard time understanding anything about being an introvert.

The reason I posted this here is because the other day my mom and I had a fight about this subject. And she seems to think that I don’t care about my siblings. And that I don’t do anything to help around the house, even though I thought I was trying so hard.

And I do feel bad for wanting to move out. None of my siblings want me to leave and the younger ones cry whenever it’s brought up.

And because I respect my parents, I do wonder if they are right and I’m just blocking everyone out unnecessarily. Maybe I shouldn’t stay in my room in the mornings, and maybe I’m wrong…

So tell me…


Another User Comments:
“You cannot be expected to take care of everything. Yes, your family will be sad but it’s not like you’re dropping off the face of the planet. I’d assume that you’d visit them and vice versa. It’ll be an adjustment for sure. Your parents and siblings will have to adjust to you moving out, and again when your siblings get older.

Best of luck, NTJ.” mild_screaming

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to get out for your own sanity. Introverts need their alone time to recharge. Being alone doesn’t mean you love others less.

I am an introvert. At family reunions at my parents’ house, I would sleep on the sofa while everyone else was playing games and mixing.

The younger kids would bring friends who thought it odd. My family just told them that this is the way I socialize. It worked for me. I did spend awake time with them also, but when the exhaustion hit, I could still be around people, just asleep to recharge.

You need to be on your own so that you don’t lose yourself.” Clarity4me

Another User Comments:

You should get out as soon as you can after hitting 18 or whatever is your legal age. If you can make it work financially, I don’t see any reason to stay. it’s better that you move out and visit them. It’s worth so much to have a door to actually close and lock and know that you can finally be alone. (Yes, I’m a hardcore introvert too. It would drive me INSANE to live with 11 others.)” PretentiousUsername1

7 points (7 votes)

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Katydid 8 months ago
They are using you for free maid service & sitters. You shouldn't be expected to do it all. Your sanity is worth a lot so even if you have to find a room to rent from an older person who just wants a little help or maybe a garage apartment or efficiency, you will be out of this mess.
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18. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Work Around The House?


“So for background information, I (23F) am in medical school. I am a second year, and if you ask most doctors, this is the hardest year of their medical school career. I am working my tail off to say the least. In medical school, student loans provide you with enough to pay for living expenses because it’s not feasible for us to work.

With classes roughly 30 hours a week and studying for my boards exam (this is the exam that determines speciality/competitiveness for residency), I do what I can around the house. Currently, it is finals week, so I have been spending a lot more time studying than cleaning. I bought groceries this week that would be easy and quick meals so that I didn’t have to spend a lot of time dealing with that.

My partner (24M) and I live together. He is currently working a job that requires 24-hour shifts or sometimes 36-hour shifts. While he has been paying the rent, I pay for the groceries each month as well as other bills such as the monthly vet bills, dog food, etc.

When it comes to expenses, it is probably about 2/3 him 1/3 me. At the beginning of the semester, I tried to pick up side jobs to help with more expenses, however, all advisors told me to stop doing such as it was causing extra stress and less study time.

Currently every time my partner and I fight, he brings up the fact that I do not “work”, even though medical school is a full-time job.

I have tried to get him to understand that, but yet he often calls me lazy and worthless because I don’t make a lot right now (please keep in mind, the living expenses provided on my student loans are going towards our living expenses and I am contributing as much as possible).

He comes home some days and attacks me for not doing enough around the house as if I am a stay-at-home mom, which all power to you but that’s not what I do all day.

So our washer and dryer took a poop on us and the landlord thinks it’s our fault it broken.

Therefore, we are currently doing laundry at his parent’s house. I normally do the grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, take care of the dogs, clean, cook, meal prep, pack lunches, and put everything away for us. I asked him to do the laundry this week as I am studying a lot more this week with finals.

He worked two 12-hour shifts this week total, which is hard work, I get it. However, he thinks that means he doesn’t have to do laundry. I do not feel comfortable going to his parent’s house to do laundry for hours, I love his family, but I need quiet time to study.

Summary: My partner thinks I am the jerk because I do not have a “real job” and that means I should do everything around the house.

I’m in medical school. He has 2-3 days off at a time. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Second year? He’s treating you like crap…you’ve got a long way to go depending on your specialty. Is he a resident? His hours would suggest it? If yes, he should understand how much work med school entails…If not, 24-36 hour shift work? Oil rig? Fishery work? He may never understand.

If he doesn’t support your hard work at this early stage in your career, you can only expect him to become less understanding as the years go by and more and more responsibility is piled onto your lives…

Btw, just a heads up…I’m a GP, and am currently taking time off to raise my twins, as a SAHM and I work as many hours now as I did during my 21 years of school and when finally working in hospital or private practice…lucky for me my husband is a very busy solicitor, takes on half the housework and child care, homework, social obligations etc when he’s at home.

More sometimes, if I need a break mentally or physically. And at times when he is crazy with trial work, I’ll assume more of the burden.

Actually, it’s not lucky, it’s just always what I expected…as did he, so I guess I’m saying, it doesn’t get easier, if you plan on spending your life with this guy…

and you don’t change your expectations of what is an equitable division of labor (both physical labor ie: cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, gasing up the vehicle, getting the oil changed, home maintenance, driving to and from school, to activities etc etc etc…) and the mental labor (which is equally draining) ie: remembering to make Dr appointments (for yourself and any kids you might have) coaches, parent-teacher conferences, attending school plays/performances/athletic activities, dental appointments, vaccinations, play dates….) in your life and home.

YOU will always be doing the lion’s share of the home/childcare in addition to working.

As women have done for centuries…I suggest taking a real hard look at what you want in a partner. And choose one who treats you with the respect you deserve and cherishes you enough to want to share the burden equally.” mountainmamax2

Another User Comments:

I think you guys seriously need to communicate. It seems like he doesn’t understand how strenuous med school can be. But you might not understand the frustration he gets after coming home from a long shift, only to see that nothing has been done. It also seems like you haven’t delegated responsibilities to one another, so it’s kind of a ‘I thought you were gonna do that today’ kind of situation that’s causing more stress between you two.

My best advice would be to have a proper conversation about your expectations for one another.” DangerousWithForks

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m also in medical school, and you need to dump him. Finals and studying are stressful enough, and someone who isn’t willing to understand and be patient is NOT worth the stress.

It sounds like he’s berating you, and stress from his job isn’t an excuse for the way he treats you. Calling someone working their butt off “worthless and lazy” is ridiculous, and that tells me he doesn’t respect you.

Do yourself a favor and pour the time and energy you waste on him into studying for your finals!” medicalbutamess

Another User Comments:
“So essentially what he’s telling you is that you are lazy and that your work has no value because it doesn’t come with a paycheck, despite being one of the most challenging and financially promising career paths a person can take? He calls you worthless?

Girl. Leave him. You’re somebody who insults you and belittles your dreams when he doesn’t get his way. Get out while you can. You are absolutely NTJ.” itsogirl-88

6 points (6 votes)

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GG153 8 months ago
Toss him out with the trash. He is a bully, lazy and disrespectful.
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17. AITJ For Getting Upset My Friends Didn't Split The Costs?


“A bit of context… my partner and I (23 y/o) went on holiday with two friends of his, who are a couple as well. We made an overall budget for the week and we were not planning to spend all that much, mostly food for cooking in, plus some activities on the lake that were booked beforehand, and we all agreed that if someone wanted to get something that the rest wasn’t willing to pay, it was more than fine.

I usually prefer not to keep count of every penny spent, I’m more of a “I paid for dinner today, you’ll get lunch tomorrow”, but from the get-go (and I literally mean since getting snacks for the bus ride) it was clear that they would not be comfortable with that as they counted how many cookies each of us ate from the pack and who added cheese to pasta at night.

I thought it was strange but hey, I’m happy to pay for what I’m having if it’s easier on everyone.

Thing is, after day 3 they started saying they were not hungry when me or my partner suggested to go buy something to snack on, and then proceeded to eat what we bought with us with no comment.

However, they kept counting everything we ate when we all paid for it, which we found a bit annoying.

It’s not really about the money but it is not really fun for me to be on holiday and have to watch how much shampoo I use compared to the others, and so the fact that they are all “you don’t mind, right?” when it’s something we bought made us a bit uncomfortable.

I think it’s either we all share or we don’t.

Anyways, up to this point, we thought it was a bit weird but moved past it, until we went to one of the activities (windsurfing) where the company from which you booked the equipment offered to take professional pictures of us and sell them to us.

It was (the equivalent to) 10 usd for 20 pictures. My partner and I said sure, we wanted them, but our friends said they were not interested. Bear in mind the pictures were of the group so it was 10 for all of us, not 10 each. We thought it was cool to have them and we liked the pictures so we got them anyways.

But of course, when we got to the house, they asked if we could share the pictures with them so they could post them.

I am nowhere close to being rich but honestly, I don’t want to fight with my partner’s friends for 2 dollars. But the truth is it’s not about the money, it feels like a jerk move to me.

I honestly think I would have been fine just not even dividing every single thing but if you are counting every single thing and then deliberately play dumb when others are paying, it feels like you are purposefully taking advantage of your own friend. So I am wondering AITJ for being upset? Am I being cheap and it’s not that big of a deal? I don’t know if I should say something or if I even am right to be uncomfortable.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Unfortunately, you are in a tough spot.

If you bring it up they will try to turn the tables on you and make you and your bf seem like the jerks in this situation. At this point, the best you can do is grin and bear it and just keep this in mind if you ever plan another couple’s vacation.

In my experience, there is always a friend like this in every group. I used to have a friend that if went out to a diner for food he would sit there with his calculator app and add his part up to the cent, conveniently always neglecting tax and tip, and throw in exactly that.” Diabolik00

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I was close to going to no one’s the jerk as you don’t know what their personal circumstances are, but then I remembered they’re kind of nicking your food and stuff.

You rightly point out though, it’s really not worth getting into an argument over. That’s how they are, just don’t go away with them again.” JazzyFek3000

6 points (6 votes)

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ImjustMe 8 months ago
NTJ. Share the pictures ... AFTER they give you $2 for each one. They counting the cookies you bought, then you're counting the pictures that YOU bought. That should actually get the point across without having to come out and actually say something UNLESS AND UNTIL they gripe about being charged $2, which they will, and then say exactly what you said here, "It's not necessarily about the money overall, but first when you don't want to buy your own snacks and clearly say you aren't hungry, and then we go ahead and buy snacks for OURSELVES, you all of a sudden are hungry, but don't offer a cent in return, AND still proceed to divvy them up equally among people who didn't help pay for them, then say you don't want pictures, obviously because you don't want to spend the money, but then DO WANT them as soon as someone else foots the bill, yeah, it kinda does become about the money, and I'm sorry, while I don't mind sharing with you, as you are my friends, you are clearly taking advantage of my generosity." Then tell them to go read the children's story about the chicken and the bread, entitled Little Red Hen, and see if that helps them get the picture. But honestly they already know what they're doing, I can promise you that, and you have probably now done this enough times that it is now expected of you and they "see you coming" as is the old saying. I would be curious if the next time one of these friend vacations was planned if you were to say you couldn't come, say, because you couldn't afford it (whether true or not) just to see what the reaction is. Would they offer to cover the cost? Would they postpone? Would they cancel? And if they did cancel, is it truly because they feel bad because you cannot go or would it be because their cash cow wouldn't be there? You need to really think about this. And I am not even saying to stop being friends with them, they may actually be good friends, but just need a wakeup call because they may now have been doing this for so long that it isn't even thought about much anymore, it is just automatic. Maybe a reality check is all they need and things might turn around. I do wonder though, considering the fact that you came here to ask this question because you are concerned about how they might react if you bring it up kind of tells me you already know how they would react, which is negatively, which also tells me that may e they aren't that nice of people and maybe it is time to move on anyway. Now, I don't know this, I only get that from this small glimpse into your lives that you've given us. But, no, you are NTJ, and, yes, you definitely need to bring it up in one way or another.
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16. AITJ For Getting Mad That My Husband Woke Me Up?


“I work a job with shifts that throws my whole sleep cycle completely off, it was already hard to sleep even before this job. 3/4 straight solid hours of sleep is a godsend. On top of that, I take care of my house where cooking, cleaning, etc., is concerned no biggy.

Sometimes when my husband gets home, I am sleeping and he has this annoying thing where he thinks he needs to wake me to “make sure I am ok” even though given the circumstances and him always going on and on about my lack of sleep is very unhealthy and how much it worries him.

He will come in the house and I will either be napping on the couch or in our bed upstairs and he will just start yelling for me then come over wake me and ask me if I am ok with so much concern you would think he came in and found me passed out on the floor with blood everywhere.

I guess I just had it this evening because these last few weeks have been super busy and I have been coasting on less sleep than usual. I did a 7-4 shift, came home walked both dogs, played with them a little, fed them some treats and got something to eat.

One of my dogs loves his own personal space and hates coming up the stairs (unless he is playing of course) and on top of that he recently had surgery and the vet prohibited him from using the stairs for 2 weeks. My other little dog is usually glued to whoever is home at the time or whoever is upstairs in bed.

I went upstairs to lay down and the little one followed behind and promptly fell asleep. Not sure when my husband got home but all I hear is my name being shouted, the light being turned on, and dogs jumping all over me (they both get super excited when the last person comes home) and then he goes off to use the bathroom and leaves them both on the bed, I am still not 100% awake but I can hear them running up and down the stairs jumping in and out of the bed all over me.

Then he leaves the room, brings them downstairs and leaves the light on.

I was so angry (not at the doggies at all) but at how poorly he always seems to handle himself when coming home to me sleeping. We got into a huge argument over it and his response is “Who sleeps at 7?” and how he just brought the bigger dog to “Say hi” as if I was not home with them for a few hours before he came.

You have been so concerned with me not being able to sleep that you should be happy when you finally see me getting some.

Yes! He knows when I am sleeping because I am usually downstairs to greet him or I call out to him if I am awake when he gets home and announces himself.

It’s as if I should be at the door when he gets home so he knows I am ok. Maybe I am overreacting. This has been going on for a while now and I am just at my limit I guess. Now I seem like the jerk for voicing my concern over his weird behavior.”

Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ.

I do shift work as well and good Lord, you have to take whatever sleep you can get. I’m like you, even without crazy shifts, sleep is hard to come by for me. It’s one big reason I do overnight shifts. So I completely understand where you’re coming from.

I would be SO frustrated if my SO woke me up at any time for unnecessary reasons. I’m not sure how to fix the situation if he doesn’t listen to your concerns. Maybe tell him if he doesn’t respect your need your rest, you will find somewhere else to nap.

Or lock your door so he can’t come in and wake you? Find a secret napping hiding spot? Build a fort with a “no boys allowed” sign? I’m not sure, but I do know your pain and the importance of naps!” Spicylady10

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what is wrong with him?? It’s just awfully rude to wake up napping people in general, but is he so disconnected from your life that he doesn’t realize your work is messing with your sleep schedule? Sleep is super important for your health and well being.

If you haven’t yet, have a sit-down serious talk with him about how he needs to leave you alone and try to be quiet when you’re napping. There’s really no excuse for him to act like this. Is he normally this bizarrely inconsiderate?” charonthemoon

Another User Comments:
“He’s either very manipulative or very stupid.

Have you sat him down and explained clearly that he needs to leave you alone when you’re napping?

If yes, he’s deliberately interrupting your much-needed sleep for some bull controlling reason, and you should confront him about that, preferably within a therapist’s office.

If no, he’s apparently incapable of connecting all your dots, so you need to sit him down and explain clearly that he needs to leave you the heck alone when you’re napping.

NTJ.” VexArcana

5 points (5 votes)

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Jitslady 8 months ago
Leave the jerk. He knows what he's doing and it's on purpose.
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15. AITJ For Telling My Partner I Want Our Finances To Be Equal?


“My parents gave me an apartment as a present for my graduation. It’s a lovely place in the heart of the city and I adore it. I’ve always taken a good care of it and no matter how much time I used to spend at my job, I somehow managed to keep it in good shape.

I made a deal with my parents to pay my bills until I’m more financially stable. I love my job but it’s not well-paid but I give my best and I hope I can earn more in the future.

So, more than two years ago my partner moved in with me.

He is a total slob, he throws garbage on the floor, there are crumbs and spots everywhere because he’s a messy eater, but the worst part is that he refuses to clean up after himself. He doesn’t even want to throw out the garbage on his way to work.

Every time I ask for his help, he tells me that he cooks and buys all the food (which is not true, we totally share all the expenses) and it’s my job to clean up. He loves cooking and he does it for his own pleasure and I don’t think it’s fair that I get to clean up after him.

He thinks that when he puts 2 cups and a plate in the sink, he makes a huge contribution and announces it as if he’s done something that I should be thankful for.

So I got pregnant almost 5 months ago and I had to stop working due to complications.

My parents once again offered to support me for which I’m grateful since I couldn’t risk losing my child because of my low-paid stressful job. My partner told me that he won’t be cleaning anymore (as if he’s ever cleaned) since I’m home all day and he’s been at work and does all the shopping (not true, as I already mentioned).

I didn’t want to argue so I didn’t say anything. I thought I would be able to keep the apartment in good condition but it’s really hard. Today, I cleaned so much that my back started hurting and I’m afraid I’m going to have complications again. That leads to the argument.

He told me he’s going out with a friend of his after work and I asked him if he could drive me to the supermarket when he gets home, because at this point I was too tired from cleaning.

He told me to go by myself because he won’t drive all around the city just so I could get food. I got so angry because I did my best so he can come home to a spotless place and told him everything that was on my mind.

That he’s a slob and has almost no contribution to our home. That it’s not fair he doesn’t do anything except the cooking, which he does for his own pleasure. That I’m so sad that he doesn’t respect my apartment that I love so much. I even brought up how a few days ago he puked all over the toilet seat due to overdrinking and didn’t clean up after himself.

But he was mostly offended that I told him it’s not fair that we share all the expenses but not the housework and when starts paying for everything, he can tell me that it’s my job to clean up after him. He blocked my number and went to his mother’s place.


Another User Comments:
“I want to say NTJ but YTJ for having insanely low standards and no backbone.

I know I’m rude but I’m hoping this will be a wake-up call for you. This guy lives rent-free in your house, does nothing, pays for nearly nothing and you’re acting like his unpaid live-in maid in YOUR house? I doubt he would do half of the crap he’s doing now if that was the place that he paid for with his own money.

I’m really sorry to say, but he doesn’t love you. He sees you as a hotel that he doesn’t have to pay for. If it weren’t for you, he would be busting his butt to pay rent, food, and looking after his place. But he doesn’t have to do that because you’re offering him all of that and more.

He’s comfortable with you. You’re not his partner, you’re his mother. I doubt even his mother would put up with all of that, to be honest. Sincerely, I suggest you leave him and most importantly to have a hard look at yourself and wonder why you allow someone to walk all over you.” lellanc

Another User Comments:

How have you not dumped him?? He sounds terrible! He’s not paying rent since your parents gave you the apartment. Right? So the least he could be doing is going all out in taking care of the place for his pregnant and future child. Jeez, for your child and your own health’s sake please tell him to move out.

If you quit your job to avoid stress, you can quit your useless partner too. You need to think about how this is going to pan out when you have your baby and this guy walks out on you because you said something he doesn’t like. You don’t have time or energy for this.

If he can’t be your partner he shouldn’t be in YOUR home.” smothered_reality

Another User Comments:
“He’s repeatedly shown you who he is over the last two years. Believe him when he shows you he is a slob, he is disrespectful, he’s gaslighting you, he doesn’t care about you, your house, your pregnancy, or your relationship from what is laid out in this post.

NTJ. But your baby daddy’s a dud.” Unicorn-Princess

5 points (5 votes)

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wile 8 months ago
Kick. Him. Out. Now.
You're going to be a single mother with or without him living there but at least with him not there your life will be tons easier.
Do it before you have the baby.
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14. AITJ For Cutting Ties With A Friend?


“I have a group of friends that I’m a little upset with right now, but there is one person in my friend group who I can’t stand anymore, and I’m thinking of telling him upfront about it, but I’m wondering if I am the jerk.

Now I’m a pretty normal 8th grader.

I’m not mean, I always go out of my way for people and it gets me stuck in bad situations.

Let’s call the friend (C) Then there’s my amazing guy friend (AGF) and my best friend (BFF)

To put things in perspective, I’m (14 F).

So let’s start at the beginning…

I had seen C around a lot at my old school and he talked a lot to BFF. We had hung out sometimes during the summer and were mutual friends. My friend group liked him too. Until they didn’t, and I didn’t. Now the thing is, C is adopted.

But he doesn’t care and treats his parents like utter garbage. At first it was complaining. Then insults, then just utter rudeness. He seemed normal but now, he acts like he has no feelings. He’s constantly bragging about how much money he has, and always rubs it in my face and calls me broke (my family is going through financial issues).

Now everyone at my lunch table has made it clear they are not friends with C. At first, I told them to take it easy on him since he’s had a rough life and could have some insecurities about being adopted (Just guessing). So they did but gradually C got worse.

He was not nice. AT ALL. He would make mean comments about my hair and would smear Cheeto dust on people’s hoodies as a joke. My AGF had this done to him many times and is now cutting him off. C did this to BFF too.

But today was the last straw.

My BFF left our lunch table and went and sat with someone else because he had had enough of C. Now C and BFF used to be great friends but then C got mean. There is a new kid who joined our table, and C made it clear to blame BFF moving because of him.

I was disgusted. He was blatantly saying how no one wanted the new kid and that how he should leave. I have never felt the urge to scream at someone so much. And to make matters worse C didn’t think he did anything wrong!

So WIBTJ for telling C to not sit or talk to me or my friend group?

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like this kid is trying to be cool by bullying other people, his so-called friends. I think that guy has a problem, but you are definitely NTJ.” X_AlolanRaichu_X

5 points (5 votes)

13. AITJ For Not Going To My Sister's Baby Shower?


“My sister (31F) is pregnant with her first, we live in different states. Usually my sister lives between two countries due to the nature of her work. She’s living in our home country during the pregnancy.

My sister has a knack for arranging things last minute. She announced her baby shower date yesterday.

It’s in 11 days. That’s 12 days total notice to get everything organized for a one night trip interstate. Another example is her wedding – everyone got the save the date 3 months before her overseas wedding.

She had two dates in mind – the one for 11 days away and another date at the end of next month.

For reasons we’re unsure of, she chose the closer date.

The day before the baby shower is my birthday and my one-year anniversary with my partner. We’d already had plans set in place. I told her I had already arranged plans for my birthday/anniversary.

I (27F) am hesitant to go.

My cut-off for submitting leave is two weeks before the start date, so booking a Friday and Monday on either side of the weekend to spend a couple of nights up there is out of the question.

Half the plans are easy enough to shift to another date so I can make a flight out that afternoon/evening to be there 9am sharp the next day when the shower starts.

For context, the shower starts at 9am and finishes at 1pm.

It’s not like it’s a long flight, but all up (flight and train from the airport) will be about 3-4 hours total. So flying out on the evening of my birthday seems more logical.

I’d be flying out after the shower so I can be back ready for work the next day.

I’d basically be leaving straight after to get back to the airport.

To me, it’s a lot of hassle (and money) for a 4-hour event. I’m not one to care for baby showers (or gender reveals for that matter) and personally, meeting the baby is more important. I was also looking forward to the plans I had already made and I honestly don’t want to go.

At first, my sister said she had no expectations for me to go, however when I told her I’m considering not going she absolutely blew up on me.

I didn’t make it up for Christmas. I couldn’t get any time off work and drew the short straw of working throughout the Christmas period. Understandably, it was the first Christmas we would have spent as a combined family and she said she was disappointed when I didn’t go.

Due to the nature of my workplace, Christmas leave requests MUST be submitted in June/July each year. She announced what she wanted us to do for Christmas two months before the celebration day.

I know a baby shower is a once in a lifetime event and my plans can always be shifted.

But getting such short notice to make that kind of travel plans is exhausting and expensive.

Will I be the jerk if I don’t go?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s the saying “A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” I think a version of that applies here.

She has known for a while that she’s pregnant but announces a shower 12 days before the actual shower. If you lived close then going wouldn’t be a problem. But you live a plane ride away. It’s unreasonable for her to expect you to be there with 12 days’ notice when you already have plans.

Honestly, I wouldn’t go either. Send her a gift, apologize for not being able to make it, and plan to be there after the baby is born for a nice family visit.” tinamque

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s an optional event — a celebration. It’s not an emergency and it’s very rude to expect people to drop everything and overhaul their plans with such short notice.

Baby showers are mostly about gifts from my experience and I agree it’d be more meaningful to meet the baby once they’re born.

So enjoy your birthday and anniversary!” paul_rudds_drag_race

Another User Comments: “NTJ – it’ll be much more meaningful if you visit after the baby is born. She can’t really expect people to drop everything with 11 days’ notice for a baby shower. Those things are usually planned many weeks in advance.” tappytaps

4 points (4 votes)

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lesleecbrown 8 months ago
This is why I hate bridal or baby showers. I find them outdated and very boring. Tell your sister to cool her jets. NTJ
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12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Move Out Of My Condo?


“Renting a two-bedroom, two-bathroom condo. She’s lived here for 4 years. I’ve lived here for 3 years. She feels she has the right to ask me to move out, so she can move her bf in, since “she found the place and has lived here longer.” She would never have asked me to move out and would 100% find a new rental property for her and her bf if we had both moved in at the same time.

I said no to her polite request as my rent is super cheap and I am very close to my work. Plus moving out and finding a new place to live is very inconvenient and time-consuming. AITJ?

Yesterday I came home to have a talk with my roommate. She said she and her partner are ready to take the next step in their relationship and want to live together.

She kindly asked me to move out so they could have the whole two-bedroom, two-bathroom condo to themselves simply because they want to live alone.

First of all, I’m super happy they want to take that big next step of moving in together. I’ve been great friends with both of them for years, even before they started seeing each other! That said, I personally feel, in this scenario, it is their responsibility to go out and source a new rental property and deal with the huge hassle of moving.

I don’t feel it is fair to inconvenience me because the two of them want to make a change in their lives.

According to my roommate, she feels she has the right to kindly ask me to move out because “she found the place and has lived here longer.” Apparently, she would never have asked me to move out and would 100% go find a new rental if we had both moved in at the same time.

To me, that argument doesn’t hold much weight… simply because we have both called this condo home for the past 3 years and have happily lived together since I moved in.

As a compromise, I told her that I’m happy to live here with her and her partner… the two of them living in the big bedroom, with the walking closet and much larger ensuite washroom…

but I’m not willing to move out. She said that she feels the 950sq/f condo is too small for 3 people and that she is not willing to compromise. (She also said the same thing 6 months ago when I asked to move my partner into my much smaller bedroom)

Therefore, at this point, one of the two of us has to move out and go through the annoying house-hunting process! I honestly feel I’m not being a jerk by saying “sorry, but no, I’m not in a place to move out in the next 2 months, let alone 6 months to a year…

If you really want to live with your partner, it’s on you to go find a new place to live.”

The thing is, we both love this condo… The rent is cheap, has all-inclusive electricity and water, floor-to-ceiling windows and is a corner unit with no shared walls… It would be really hard for either of us to give this place up as a comparable condo in this city would cost $2500 or more per month, compared to the $1900 we’re currently paying.


Another User Comments:
“In my eyes you’re definitely NTJ.

The “I’ve been here longer” argument to me is invalid as you have both been there for years. If you had only been living there for a few months to help her financially or something it would make sense, but at this point you are both equal partners in the rent and in my opinion she has no right to force you to leave.

I’m not sure what the legal side of this is in your area so I can’t comment on that though. But if she says that she is ready to move to the next step of her relationship she should do just that…. Move.” half-mage

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Assuming you are both on the lease, I don’t think it matters if she was there a year longer than you.

This is home to both of you. She wants something to change whereas you do not. So it’s up to her to move if she doesn’t want to live with you anymore. It’s fine for her to ask. It’s fine for you to refuse. Personally, I would not leave a condo I love so someone else could be happier.

That said, be prepared to lose the friendship for sticking up for what you want.” RedditDK2

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The roommate is the one with the new relationship status. I don’t think it was rude of them to ask you to move, but once it was clear that you would rather stay, in my opinion , she should have backed off and started house hunting. It’s a rental property, you have at much right to live there as they do.” kurtist04

4 points (4 votes)

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wile 8 months ago
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11. AITJ For Wanting To Spend The Day With My Cousin?


“My cousin and I had a falling out a month ago and we recently rekindled our friendship just this week. We also made plans to go see a movie during the evening and have dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant afterward this Saturday. I told this to my parents, but my aunt overheard and said there was a family funeral that day.

An uncle passed away from my Dad’s side and honestly I don’t even know them. Half the time I go to these funerals- I do the cooking, catering, and serving food. I don’t get to rest and honestly, I really need this weekend to de-stress. I told her I won’t be going to the funeral, but she argued that it was an uncle of mine, and I could at least pay some respect.

However, I know she only wants me to go because then I can work in the kitchen with her and the other ladies. P.S. My family is of Hmong tradition, so a lot of the women do like 90% of the work at any event.

Anyways, I told her I didn’t want to go and I already made plans, the movie was only being shown that day.

Plus, I have the right to say no. Still, she’s saying I was disrespectful for saying that, she asked me to think it over because death is such a sensitive topic and that I should be nicer about it and just come to say my goodbyes to him.

I don’t even know him. However, apparently, he knew me and I was told that I was one of his favorite nieces and nephews since we were nice. She told me that he was the one who would babysit me when I was 2 or 3 yrs old while everyone was at work.

But… that was so long ago, my last memory of him was randomly seeing him at a family event when I was 12 and that was it. We never had a connection when I learned to understand things- he was never there from when I was 12 and up.

I’m 19 right now, we’ve yet to actually have a conversation despite my aunt telling me I was his favorite niece. I can’t really take her word for it either, she’s not him and he’s not alive anymore. I don’t want to attend a funeral of someone who I don’t even know or have any mutual feelings for- it’s just insincere.

I’d rather spend the evening with my cousin instead- we both really need a breather and it’ll be nice to see her again, honestly. I really missed her and we hadn’t really talked to each other in a month. I’m glad we got together again because she’s a really good friend of mine, been there for me since we met.

In our family, we both understand and love each other most- she’s there to listen to me when I need someone to rant to and vice versa.

Am I the jerk for wanting to spend a day with her instead of attending a family funeral of someone who I don’t even know?”

Another User Comments:
“ESH, while yes you should go to a family funeral (I am from the south and we go to every one of them up to the second cousin) you are an adult and can make your own choices.

And you had no real relationship with this man so why should you be forced to break your plans for his funeral.” Kingofdeadpool1

Another User Comments:

You don’t know this person, have no idea if your Aunt is lying to you (though the fact you suspect her of lying to you means she’s sketchy), will be forced to do, like, 90% of the food work, already made plans with someone whom you want to reconnect with, and do not legally have to go so the Aunt can shove off.

Go spend the day with your cousin and have fun!” ArcadiaCaster

3 points (3 votes)

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ImjustMe 8 months ago
NTJ, but it does depend on how much you follow other Hmong traditions as to whether you should go or not. But if you are direct quoting her when you say she said you could at least come by and say your goodbyes, then you could try to take a few minutes to do just that, go in, make an appearance, pay your respects, and leave before being commandeered to the kitchen.

And what the other southerner said about well, we in the south go to every funeral up to second cousins, that is not true at all. WE DO NOT, at least not as a southerner "thing." Maybe it is "their" tradition as southerners, but it definitely is not an overall southern tradition. We go to those we were closest with, be it family or just friends of the family. So that person definitely is NOT speaking for all southerners by saying that.

Your life, your choice. That isn't to say that it isn't harsh anyway, but it is still true. You are an adult and you do not feel comfortable due to having no real memories of him. So you are not obligated to go. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Although if your family is steeped in your culture and traditions, you may not live it down for a while, but it is still ultimately your choice.
3 Reply

10. AITJ For Pushing Away A Friend?


“Background info: I (19F) have a serious and life-limiting disability that means I’m going to die relatively young. I didn’t receive much of an education due to always being in hospital. My friend (19F) was diagnosed with a manageable condition that doesn’t impact her too much, when she was in her teens.

I met my best friend three years ago and we connected over both having health issues. She was newly diagnosed when we first met and she often looked to me for advice on how to deal with health issues, given that I was born with mine and as such, I was a bit more at ease with managing things.

Around a year ago, she went for a modeling shoot, which in my honest opinion was a scam (the ‘agency’ didn’t have any sort of official feel and the photos she received were mediocre), and whilst I was extremely happy that she was confident enough in her own body to be able to do this, I felt that it went to her head.

Straight after the shoot, she wanted to quit her job and go straight into modeling, convinced that she was going to make it big. I tried to be as gentle as possible when voicing my concerns, and she chose to remain in her stable job and focus on her education.

December last year, my mother took seriously unwell.

She was diagnosed with a large brain tumor and subsequently had surgery to remove it. Shortly after that, she got some unidentified infection (unrelated to the brain tumor) and then pneumonia. She has been very unwell, and at some point, we did not think she was ever going to make it home.

Thankfully, my mother has just come home, and although she is still very ill, there’s no danger to her life anymore.

Through this entire ordeal, the only thing my friend has talked about is going to uni and her new partner.

She knows uni is a bit of a sore spot for me as I’m struggling to get any sort of an education due to my illness and I really want to go to uni.

Almost every conversation I’ve had with her over the last few months has somehow included uni or her partner.

Quite literally, I told her my mother had to have an 8 hour blood transfusion and she said something along the lines of “I hope shes okay. Did you know (uni) will let me do (this)?”

As a result of this, I’ve started to push her away. She is well aware that I desperately want to go to uni, and she’s well aware that I’ve received little education up to this point.

She still makes a point of mentioning it all the time. I get she’s excited, but I feel like she’s being insensitive.

A few people have said that they think I need to suck it up and be happy for her and that I’m just jealous that she’s basically getting to do all the things I want to do, but I’m really struggling with this.

I just want her to stop being so ignorant for a minute and show some genuine concern for my mother and ask me how I’m coping with everything.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s been months since your mom has been unwell, and she hasn’t asked you at all how she is doing or how you are taking it? She isn’t asking you about your life or your happiness? If things are that one-sided, I can see why you would want to distance yourself from her.” TwinPeaks2017

Another User Comments:
“No, I don’t think you’re the jerk here.

You shouldn’t have to suck it up because friendship is supposed to be a two-way street. She’s supposed to support and be there for you and vice versa. It’s unfair to just expect to be okay with something and happy for someone when you have your own troubles in life and your friend refuses to acknowledge that.

But I do believe that instead of pushing her away, you maybe should have a talk with her. Be open and honest about how you feel and let her know you do need some support other than a short sentence and then her diverting the subject.” Chaotically_Present

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she seems like a very inconsiderate friend and very selfish and self-absorbed. It may be better for you, in the long run, to cut her off from your life.” unusualDragonfruit8

3 points (3 votes)

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ImjustMe 8 months ago
I have to go with kind of the jerk, but only because you have to also realize she is also very excited about her life coming up and honestly she should not have to walk on eggshells and measure everything she says just to make you feel better. Nobody should have to temper their enthusiasm because of someone else's feelings. Your feelings are valid, but it isn't fair to think of her as insensitive because she is looking forward to her prospective life.

I lost a son at age 5 due to a terminal illness, but i don't expect anyone to not talk about their toddlers out of fear of being insensitive to my loss. That would be a very selfish expectation and it would be me being unfair.
0 Reply

9. WIBTJ If I Confronted My Dad?


“So, there’s a lot to dish out on all of this and a lot of history, but I’ll try and keep it to a minimum unless asked.

My dad (53M) and my mom, (50F) have been married for 32 years.

My dad had 1 affair when my mother was pregnant with my youngest sibling.

Every 3-5 yrs he will wear down my mom’s self-worth, lash out at his kids, and then try to move out somewhere before tearfully crawling back.

The last time this happened, he surprised me. He acted like a different person and was as a good father to my younger siblings.

He even tried to repair his relationship with me.

Now it’s all going back out the window.

Carrie, 20F, moved to my dad’s department after a fight between her partner and coworker.

My dad has talked about Carrie for months and how fun she is. Normally I would have seen the red flag, but after the rapport we had built up, I stupidly trusted him.

My parents started acting stressed.

Dad became religious about losing weight, and dropping 40lbs. He was playing Carrie’s music, which is not to his taste. I also overheard my parents arguing in the other room about how he was texting Carrie nonstop.

I told my mother what I noticed. She confirmed my suspicions, and confirmed my dad wants to leave again.

My dad told her he doesn’t love her anymore and he’s getting signs that it’s not right for them anymore.

Then he switched to saying it’s her weight, even though she has already lost 30 lbs in the past couple of months alone. My mom told my older sister and I not to talk to my dad about it. Anything we say to my dad will be held against her, since he assumes his adult children won’t figure it out.

He’s even reactivated his social media again after 2 years and added only my siblings, myself, and Carrie.

He’s also trying to attack my mom with subtle comments where she can’t defend herself without looking crazy.

I know a confrontation could risk our relationship, and I know he may try and take out his anger verbally on my mom, but it’s already doomed and I want him to know that someone sees what he’s really doing.

And I’m at a point where I wonder if I’d really want him in my life at all.

I had thought that my dad would disown me, anyway, when he finds out I’m not Christian. I could at least go out with and stand up for my mom.

WIBTJ if I privately confront my dad to express my feelings and tell him how childish he’s being in how he’s handling the separation? I’ll accept any and all criticism.”

Another User Comments:

But he’s not going to care. He has a 20-year-old to comfort him now. Men like him are the worst. Your mom gave that man the best years of her life, but as soon as some little tartlett shows an interest, he’s out of there. You’re not the one damaging the relationship with your father, he’s damaging his relationship with you.

If I were you, I’d accept my mother’s wishes and not cause any drama for her. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.” smithjojo99

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you can’t control the decisions your dad makes, but you can control how you react to them. I would try to plan out what you want to say to him beforehand.

It will be hard not to get emotional, but you don’t want to say something you’ll regret, or feel like you didn’t get to say what was important because you got sidetracked. Ultimately, people do what they want, and can hurt people they love while chasing something they feel is better.

Love is a choice, and we have to choose who to spend our love on wisely. Try not to say anything you’ll personally regret, but expressing your feelings on this situation to the person causing stress does not make you the jerk.” 42MostlyHarmless

Another User Comments:

I would call him out on his gaslighting and let him know that his actions are 100% transparent.

He is an unfaithful person and he is the reason why this marriage may not last. He has made zero attempts to do the right thing by his wife and is trying to shuffle blame for his poor behavior. I would grill him for it. I don’t think that losing a relationship with a slimy person like that is worth it, even if he is your dad. I’m sure he’d send you down the river if his 20-year-old partner told him to do it.” CunningSquirrel

3 points (3 votes)

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Mika 8 months ago
Your mom asked you not to confront him. She knows him better than you do, and she knows how he will react towards her if you do this. Honor her wishes and just be there to love her and support her. You don't have to tell your dad why you're keeping your distance. Just be "busy" when he contacts you.
1 Reply

8. AITJ For Blocking My Friend's Number?


“Friend repeatedly calls me late at night for “emergencies.” However, these calls are, in my opinion, not emergencies. The calls are about how she should deal with her boy problems.

I have explained to my friend what I think an emergency is.

My friend’s response is that since she is Mormon, her finding a partner and then a husband is of extreme importance to her.

I have told her, that regardless, I am not able to take phone calls past 9 PM (many times, in writing, as recently as last week)

At times, my friend has texted or called at 3am & I have picked up. Other times, when she has texted or called and I am awake and respond via text saying I’ll talk later and to please not call so late.

She gets upset when I don’t take her call since I am in fact awake.

I have tried to explain to her that while I expect her to not call me past a certain time (9 PM – I wanted to set a clear boundary because she calls so often) that does not mean that I must be asleep starting at 9 PM.

Friend calls me in the middle of the night about once a week.

I also feel like my friend has tried to make me feel guilty about this boundary by repeatedly asking me to change it or to “clarify” it.

Yesterday at around 11pm, friend asked me if it‘s too late for her to call me. She calls anyway.

In the morning, I text friend back and let her know that yes it was too late for her to call me but that she again did it anyway.

Friend claims that she was just calling to see if it was too late & why can’t I give her the benefit of the doubt?

Friend continues by saying that she doesn’t understand why she can’t call me past a certain time when there have been times in the past (she names one time 2 years ago) where I called her late at night.

I tell my friend that we can have different boundaries, but I don’t think the event she describes actually happened, and my circumstances have changed since over the last 2yrs

She asks again what time is too late for her to call. I sense that my friend is just trying to make me feel guilty.

I tell my friend that she can probably Google what time is too late to call at night or she can scroll up in our convo to see.

Friend tells me it would be quicker for me to just answer her question. I tell friend I am refusing to answer her question not because of time but because she never listens & that again she is not entitled to a response to her question from me

Friend says, ‘You are gaslighting me.’

I ask my friend which belief of hers I’m destabilizing.

I say I take allegations of gaslighting seriously and since she thinks I am behaving in an abusive way then I am blocking her number to prevent it. I also state that I disagree with her. I say she isn’t entitled to me picking up the phone whenever I am awake, available, or late at night but it might be beneficial for her to look inward and understand why she accuses people of stuff when they set boundaries.

She’s done this before.

In the context of a friendship, where there is give and take, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

9pm is a good, reasonable boundary. You need to start enforcing it though – set your phone to “Do Not Disturb” and just don’t answer her calls/texts after that time.

She’s continuing to contact you after 9pm because your words mean nothing if you don’t follow through with them.

Make the boundary clear one last time “I will not answer the phone between the hours of 9pm – Xam – don’t contact me in that time”, and MEAN IT.

She will eventually stop trying once she knows she’s not going to get any reply (even by text) until the next morning.” DoddyB

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – does your phone have the “do not disturb feature”? Or airplane mode.

If she won’t listen to your boundaries just turn one of those on when you’re going to bed and calls/texts won’t set your phone off and you can’t respond when you wake the following day.” hlaw666

Another User Comments:
“I’m not sure about the refusing to give her a time anymore…clearly she wasn’t listening before but she could be taking that as you waffling.

She’s obviously looking for windows where it will be ok based on past behavior and when you have answered before.

Depending on the phone you have, you can set do not disturb times up when you are sleeping…with exceptions for x numbers (family). Might not help for your situation now but in the future you can let technology help you set boundaries.” cautiousoptimzm

3 points (3 votes)

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lesleecbrown 8 months ago
NTJ but she is. I'd say this is a one sided friendship and I would flat out tell her if she cannot respect your boundaries, adios
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7. AITJ For Not Helping My Friend Out After Her House Flooded?


“In 2014, my friend, Laney, purchased a house. It was in an older neighborhood, but was actually in decent shape and just needed a few cosmetic changes. I offered to help her with this, and she gladly accepted. I spent a few days with her removing popcorn ceiling and helping to paint.

I also agreed to dog sit for her when she traveled for free because she was my friend and I wanted to help.

Fast forward to 2016. A storm came through so strong that it flooded over half the city, including Laney’s house. I, however, had purchased a house a few days prior that did not flood and I was very happy about this and vocalized it in our friend’s group chat.

She never responded, but thinking back on it, I thought maybe it was insensitive to say. A few days later, the water had receded and people were able to get back to their homes to assess the damage. She had gotten about 3 feet of water and needed to start stripping drywall immediately in order to avoid mold.

Plus, there were several supplies she needed to purchase in order to do demo and couldn’t afford it all.

I had to work other jobs at my office because after the flooding had stopped, only about 10-15 of us could make it into the office (at a building for 60) and I happened to be one of them.

I had also donated to help the people that worked in my office that had flooded. During this time, Laney had off work so she could demo her house and asked if I could help. I, unfortunately, could not take off work to help, but I did offer to buy her supplies, even though I had just made my down payment on my new house.

I felt bad that I couldn’t actually do anything, but she had about 3-4 other friends helping her so I assumed all was well. I could tell that she wasn’t as happy as she used to be and wasn’t talking to me as much, but I assumed she was just upset about her house flooding and didn’t want to pry or upset her more.

I figured letting her cope in her own way would be the best course of action.

A few weeks after the flood, I left for a vacation that I had planned 6 months prior. All travel arrangements had already been booked, so if I canceled then, I would likely have lost all that I had already paid.

The day I left for my vacation, Laney messaged me that she was mad that I never offered to help her clean out her house and then spent all this money on my vacation instead of spending that time off helping her back home. She said that I wasn’t a true friend and that I was selfish and lazy.

I reminded her that I had bought some supplies for her and that I had helped her fix up her house prior to the flood, but I couldn’t just take off work when they were already short-staffed. I also reminded her that she knew I had been planning that vacation for months.

She ranted some more, then told me I was a bad friend, and blocked me on all social media. To this day, she has not tried to speak to me and I have no way to speak to her cause she blocked me. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

She seems to forget it wasn’t only her life affected by the flood.

A ton of other people lost stuff and couldn’t get to work. You state you couldn’t leave because you were already so short-staffed. She was upset about the flood and angry. Fine. But she picked the wrong hill to die on.

Your vacation sounds like it was paid already.

If you didn’t go you’d be out all that money. Her house is not your responsibility.” IridianRaingem

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You did plenty to help your friend. Sounds like your “friend” is being whiny and needy. It sucks what happened to her house, but she’s not handling this the way she should.” bobertrundy

3 points (3 votes)

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Botz 3 weeks ago
She was not your friend, she is a user, good riddance!
0 Reply

6. WIBTJ If I Stood Up To My Mother In Law?


“So me (22F) and my partner (20M) have been together for 6 years and just had our first baby (girl) last year.

When she was born it was very obvious my partner was the father because she looks just like him, looks nothing like me. This became a joke within both of our families that she doesn’t look like me.

Stuff like “are you sure she’s yours?” and “no need for a DNA test, BF!” All very harmless jokes and I don’t mind them much because it is true. I’ve told people that it does bother me a little that everyone says she doesn’t look like me but it’s not a big deal because I don’t care if she looks like me, she’s her own person and she’s beautiful regardless.

Anyway, so this is a good time to mention I’m Hispanic and my partner is white.

Well, my MIL has made the same jokes as everyone else since my daughter was born, except she doesn’t say my baby looks like her son, she always says that she looks like her (MIL). I have no problem with this because, again, it’s true. My partner looks like his mom so obviously, my baby kinda resembles her too.

Okay so a few months ago we all were out shopping together (me, my partner, my baby, and both my in-laws) and she made a “joke” about how she can walk around the store and everyone would think it’s her baby because they look alike.


That’s fine, I laughed.

Then MIL proceeds to say “Since we look alike, I’m her mom and you’re the nanny.” Everyone laughs and agrees. Now, I laughed it off because I don’t want to start anything but it really hurt my feelings.

Setting aside the fact that this comment was racist, (saying a Hispanic woman is a nanny to her own daughter, cmon.) I feel like if I carried my baby for nine months and have been mothering her since I gave birth to her, it’s like a slap in the face every time she says my baby looks like her and not me.

The nanny comment solidified my feelings.

Since making that joke, she has made that joke every single time we go out with her. What makes it worse is that it seems like she is legit trying to make it seem like she is my daughter’s mother every time we go out.

Subtle things like if someone says my baby is cute she will say thanks before I can, etc.

Would I be a jerk if I told her I didn’t like her “jokes”? I feel like if I told her my feelings everyone would be upset at me because everyone in both our families makes jokes about it too.

I don’t want to look as though I only dislike her for something everyone does. I don’t know what to do.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but hear me out, do not under any circumstances be the one to bring it up. Have your husband tell his mother to quit it.

Have him say HE doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like the implications, and he is the one that wants it to stop. When you talk to him about this, make sure he is 100% on board with saying, “No mom, OP didn’t put me up to this.” If he is called on it.

Here is why. There is a really good chance she is going to play victim to it if you are the one that brings it up. It’s going to sour everything, and any concern you have regarding parenting will be devalued because of you “overreacting ” and upsetting MIL in the past.

Anything you bring up going forward will be looked at like you’re just picking on MIL (which you are absolutely not).

Go to your husband. Tell him that her “joking” like this really really offends you deeply. So deeply you absolutely do not want to talk to her about it because it will become a big thing.

So much that you fully expect him to talk to her about it, as if it is HIS issue, so she will take it seriously; That you expect him to make it clear to her that it is to stop. You are not asking him to be confrontational, to start a fight, or to be nasty.

You expect him (expect, not want. I am being very intentional with my words here.) to go to his mother and tell her it’s an issue for him, that you mentioned it off-hand in a conversation, and it really offended him; That obviously she was joking and he knows that.

But it won’t be a joke that is repeated; That his daughter is mixed race, and he will absolutely not have those kinds of jokes around, regardless of the intentions. He know she meant no harm. Tell him he absolutely needs to do this.

If I could go back to the beginning of my mother-in-law’s passive-aggressive behavior and nip it in the bud like this, and be more direct with my husband with what I needed him to do, this is exactly how we both would handle it.

He would state what offended him with her treatment of me. Because no matter how nice she seemed to me, it came out in the long run, that she really does not care about me. So no matter how much I would say “this or that hurts my feelings,” she just didn’t give a crap, and would use me standing up for myself as a weapon to play the victim and cause drama.

I am completely capable of calmly standing up for myself, and navigating difficult relationships. But my MIL was like this, and it has been a nightmare.

Good luck OP.” Purdygreen

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mom tried something similar. We were in Costco with my then newborn son. She took off with him in the cart at an almost sprint to go play pretend while I shuffled after as fast as I could go.

She brushed off her bad behavior later by saying she just wanted to pretend for a bit, but she hasn’t pulled that stunt since I pointed out that she’d kidnapped my baby in front of her desired audience.

If you call your MIL out as racist, she’ll likely get defensive and touchy (especially if she is).

She can’t admit to it without the perception of irrevocable damage to her relationship with you as opposed to tacky “joke” she’s being humored for by everyone else.

If you just assert your role as the mother and shut her “joke” down at the moment, she’ll likely huff and move on.

She won’t repeat the behavior if she can’t get the payoff from acting that way. I guess it depends on whether you want her to stop the behavior or apologize for it. One is much easier to get than the other.

Practice thinking of a few comebacks or responses to her terrible behavior in public.

Attention seeking in this way tends to stop if they get embarrassment instead of compliments.

Something as simple as “I think she was talking to the child’s mother, me,” can be effective. When she brings up you looking like “the nanny” you can respond with anything from “what a nasty thing to say!” to playing dumb and getting her to explain exactly why she doesn’t think your baby looks like you.

Keep asking for clarification. Say you disagree. Keep countering her pleasantly.

If you want to be really effective, have your husband ask if that bothers you in front of her. Sweetly smile and respond that there’s no way anyone could mistake MIL for anything but a grandmother, and point out the way baby girl looks at you.

It’s obvious baby girl knows who her mommy is.

If she protests that other people must think… Just interrupt to laugh lightly and say that you’re sure they are willing to humor her game. Everyone knows a grandma. That special bond is immediately identifiable.

She can’t protest having a bond with your daughter. But it also reinforces her role in your daughter’s life as grandmom, not Mom.

Indirect status games are exhausting, and she’s being awful about this one.” HowardAndMallory

Another User Comments:
“NTJ and be prepared for her to get defensive and double down when you tell her.

She clearly has racist views and beliefs to be willing to make such a joke, but she might now realize it. That does not excuse her behavior by any means. I’m more saying this as an explanation of why to expect her to get defensive. Most people who are racist don’t realize it and they tend to get defensive when called out because the idea that they are racist is incongruent with their view of themselves as a good person.

If you’re willing, I’d recommend going about it carefully and maybe acknowledging that you know she may not intend it in a racist/hurtful way and even so, despite her intentions, this one hurts.

You could let her know you don’t mind some of the other jokes and provide examples, but let her know that she needs to stop with this joke because it’s hurtful and racist, regardless of her intention.

It’s not easy and many are not ready to confront their own racist behavior. Good luck and remember, you’re never the for feeling hurt by what someone says or for assertively communicating your needs.” nixibeaver

3 points (3 votes)

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rbleah 8 months ago
Quit going anywhere with her and the baby if daddy won't stand up to mommy.
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5. AITJ For Cutting Off My Best Friend?


“This is going to sound really easy but I’ve just been very conflicted. So I (23F) have been lookingh for an apartment. I had a few potential roommates. Both really good people, we had a few clashes in lifestyle choices but overall we felt like we could be really good roommates.

We were still in the planning stages when my best friend (22F) mentioned that she really wanted to move out and needed a roommate. My potential roommates and I were still in the VERY early stages (ie we had JUST decided to be roommates and had barely started looking for an apartment) so after a few weeks of convincing me that we were close friends and would have a lot of fun living together, I agreed and told the other two potential roommates my choice.

They were able to quickly find an apartment that suited them and signed away. I began the process over with my friend and we were looking at apartments. A few months go by and no progress. Now, I really want to move out so I started lighting a fire under my friend about getting papers signed so we can move on.

Finally, she decided to tell me that she thinks us being roommates is not a good idea and that it would put a strain on our friendship. When this happened I didn’t say anything really. I just figured I would talk to her about it later and see if we can work it out since all my other options had been exhausted.

A few weeks later, I sit down with her and tell her that I really think we should try being roommates and that I would work out any issues with her that she’d like, but I was still down to room if she was. She said yes that she still wanted to be roommates.

A few weeks go by with no attempt on her side to move this forward (despite me mentioning potential places).

Finally, I asked her again if we were rooming and she came up with more excuses why we should not “I want to travel.” No mention of this before.

Just at that moment. We were at a coffee shop in the area when she said “Why don’t you move in with your partner” (NOTE: I’ve been seeing this guy for maybe 3 weeks and she knew that) and I just blew up and told her that she went out of her way to convince me to drop my other potential roommates for weeks and now, MONTHS later she decides that she doesn’t want to room with me and I have NO current options so I am now stuck living at home again for who knows HOW LONG because she decided to SCREW ME!

She stopped talking and I walked away.

She hasn’t apologized or even talked to me since. I really would hate to throw away our friendship bc she was like a sister to me, I really do love her dearly but I also don’t feel like I did anything wrong? So in good fashion of this subreddit…


(NOTE: my life at home isn’t bad at all, I love my parents and everything. It’s not the BIGGEST deal. I would just like to move on to the next stage of my life and be independent because I feel like I’m ready, you know? I don’t mind living there.

it’s more she violated my trust and wasted my time).”

Another User Comments:
“ESH? I mean we don’t really have her side here. Everyone is entitled to change their minds. I think she definitely should be upfront about it if she doesn’t want to live with you and shouldn’t string you along, but you also can’t take it personally.

She may be thinking about it and worried about what it could do to your friendship. Living with someone is a HUGE step for any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Even people who have been doing it for years are bad at it. Not sure how long it’s been since this conversation, but maybe give both of you some time to cool down and then talk it over.” maggiemac1

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she mad you drop roommates because she wanted to live with you. Now all of the sudden she strings you along.” waterno

2 points (2 votes)

4. AITJ For Getting Mad At An Old Lady?


“For context this lady is an old neighbor of mine and I have driven her places before. Previously she has told me times when she wanted a ride, then said she didn’t need one, then it turned out that she did in fact need one but it was my fault because I was supposed to know and drop everything I was doing for her.

Tonight, she asked for a ride, I dropped her off, never got a time for when I was going to pick her up. My mother said to get her at 9pm, since that’s when she told her to be picked up, I show up, wait until 9:05, circle the block because it’s a 10-minute drop-off limit and call her with no answer.

I go and park 4′ from where I dropped her off (it’s in a busy street, so I would be blocking a lane if I had parked there. At the time of drop off, it was a red light).

I waited until 9:25, a cop pulled up, flipped on his lights and asked me to move, I had been there for too long.

I can circle and come back, but I can’t be there for more than 10 minutes. I circled the block, slowly went by the drop off point and she wasn’t there, and went back to my spot and called. The same thing, it went to voicemail. I’m pretty frustrated at this point as I had been waiting for 25 minutes.

9:30 and she picks up, angry she says ‘i have to walk to your car now!? I have been waiting out front for 10 minutes and you didn’t come looking for me!?” (It’s a drop-off zone, you can’t just leave your car parked there unattended) she got in the car and said she was mad, that I didn’t park my car to come to wherever she was and look for her and find her.

She said “you were supposed to call me,” which I did, ‘but I didn’t hear it.”

She “had been waiting in the cold for 10 minutes” (I find this hard to believe. Remember when I circled at 9:25, and she wasn’t there? Also the cop and I were 1′ forward and 4′ to the right of her so she had to have seen the lights).

I apologized and kept my thoughts to myself the entire way back. Even while she was saying “I got the message, you don’t want to give me rides anymore.”

I’m frustrated, I think it’s very jerkish of her to expect me to leave my car and risk it getting towed to find her because she can’t look for a car that’s easily identifiable.

No, I can’t text her, she doesn’t know how, also it’s common for her to expect to bend over backward for her because she “can’t hear her phone” (even when it’s in her hand and no she is not hard of hearing, she’s in perfect health for her age) I trust my mom that she got done at 9, so she was just standing there doing I don’t know what until 930.

Although I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually got done at 9:30.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, just because she’s old, doesn’t mean you owe her anything, especially when she treats you like crap. If anything, tell her that from now on you’ll only drive her if she’s kind to you and that she gets one strike.

Although I just wouldn’t do it anymore. She doesn’t really deserve it. Also if she had an 85k car like you said in a comment, I think it’s a relatively safe assumption that she can afford a taxi (assuming she doesn’t know how Uber or similar apps work).” 333blazecat

Another User Comments:

There are people like this in ALL walks of life; young, old, black, white, etc. I suggest you take the time right now and learn how to cut such people out of your life. It is a cheap lesson in this case. If you don’t learn now; the lesson may be MUCH more expensive.” RusticSurgery

Another User Comments:

Hats off for not blowing up on her. Old people can be difficult. I would definitely try to find a way to not give her rides anymore, although that might make you a jerk. However, if it bothers you that much, you’re entitled to say no, POLITELY.

If not, then keep doing what you’re doing. Sure, it might be a thankless task, but it’s still pretty cool of you.” WaitisthatEloy

1 points (1 votes)

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rbleah 8 months ago
NTJ From now on just say NO. You have NO obligation to help someone who treats you like a servant. Old lady has NO manners.
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3. AITJ For Wanting To Bring My Fiancé To A Wedding Instead Of My Sister?


“One of my friends from elementary school invited me to her wedding. I had encouraged her to ask out her fiancée back when we were in high school and was excited to go. My younger sister sometimes hung out with us in high school but during college we didn’t see much of each other since we were studying and living in different cities.

I received an invitation to the wedding that was addressed to my sister and I. My sister had an exam the day of the wedding and lives in another city for school so she won’t be able to attend. My sister suggested that I ask if my fiancé (who my friend has met several times and knows that we are engaged) can be my guest instead.

I called my friend and let her know about the situation and told her she didn’t need to let me know right away. I could tell she was uncomfortable with the proposition.

A week later, she called and said that they are not allowing ‘plus ones’ at their wedding.

I was hurt because my fiancé and I have been together for a few years and she has never mentioned any problems with him or our relationship. I don’t believe there would be an added cost for his place at the wedding since he was replacing my sister.

I’m not sure what the problem is.

I called her a week later and asked her if there was a reason why ‘plus ones’ weren’t included at her wedding, thinking she would tell me that for some reason she hated my fiancé or that there was a cost I didn’t know about.

She just said that she doesn’t want people who aren’t in a serious relationship at her wedding and that when she looks back at her photos, she wants to be able to remember how special each relationship she and her partner have with everyone. I was insulted because my fiancé and I are four months from being a ‘valid couple’ according to her invitation criteria.

I told her that unfortunately, I will not be able to attend the reception but hope that it is still acceptable for me to come to the ceremony, which she agreed to.

A few weeks after our conversation, I attended a wedding of a mutual friend (who is also the maid of honour for my friend’s wedding) with my fiancé.

I was in the receiving line with him and a single friend of ours. We gave the bride our well-wishes and she turned to my single friend and commented on how, “Amazing it is that she can attend a social event without a man.” I was quite hurt by that comment as I am sure it was directed at me and that my friend had been sharing our conundrum with someone else.

I now don’t want to attend her wedding ceremony and I don’t really want to see her on my wedding day. Am I the jerk for asking my friend if my fiancé can take the place of my invited sister to a wedding?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t the jerk for asking, but she’s not the jerk for saying no.

Your fiancé wasn’t invited to begin with and you didn’t seem to have a problem with it before. Just because you’re sister can’t go, doesn’t mean that you are allowed to bring someone else in her place. If your sister can’t go, then that means the bride and groom can give that spot to someone else, maybe a friend who they would like to go but they had to cut off because the guest list was too full.” xoxomissjenn

Another User Comments:
“Man, I have to go with YTJ on this one because they have the right to invite whomever they want and no one gets to say otherwise, especially implying that they could afford a replacement if the original invitee could not attend.

They wanted a party with their friends and not a party with their friends and their friends’ dates.

This wedding cost business is out of hand, and it may be to blame for them having to cut costs. However, I do see the point about asking a group to reunite as friends for a special occasion, and the question about being able to attend an event without a date…

not as a judgment about the quality/quantity of the relationship, but just as someone who doesn’t need their hand held. I would also have bristled at that, but yeah…there is a point to be made there.

This is a tough one but I’m still going with the right of the hosts to choose their guests.

But it would sting a little.” cautiousoptimzm

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend is being too judgmental. You know better than anyone else if your relationship is serious or not. He is your FIANCÉ, you are ENGAGED and just because she marries sooner doesn’t entitle her to decide who is in a serious relationship or not.

I don’t think you should even invite her when you marry, she refused your fiancé, he has no reason to accept her at your wedding. If the problem is the photos it’s not difficult to ask him to just stay out of the wedding pictures.” notthrowinawaemyacc

Another User Comments:

Her because engaged is a typical cutoff for “serious relationships” when it comes to plus-ones, and because of that last comment. You because deciding who makes the cut and where to draw the line for guest lists is very difficult, and calling again after you were told no was unnecessary and rude. You acknowledge that she was uncomfortable when you first asked, then essentially refused to accept her decision and reasoning when she got back to you.” Reddit user

-1 points (1 votes)

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ImjustMe 8 months ago
I am in total agreement with you all the way around. And you are definitely not the jerk. Her reasoning in the long run is valid ONLY when it comes to the photos part because if by some chance you do break up with your SO, those pics then become awkward; however, and this is a big however, we live in the divorce capital of the world and it is also just as likely that any married couple in any single pic that is taken could later end up divorced and the outcome be the same, awkward photos years down the road. But that is absolutely to be expected of anyone anywhere. Just think about how many lonely photographs are stuffed in closets around the world just because they contain one single individual who is not longer in the "picture." (Pun not intended, but...) What really got me over being on the fence was her comment at the other wedding, and you are most likely 100% correct that it was aimed at you. This entire situation tells me she is not a decent friend and honestly I actually don't even believe her reasoning overall. Something else is going on with why she doesn't want your SO to attend with you. Yes, it is her wedding and her choice, but it is also very much your choice of whether to attend or not given the fact that you basically have been given the ultimatum that it has to be your sister or no one. My ONLY reason for attending at this point would be to see for myself (1) how many are there with plus ones who are not married or an immediate family member (as you would have been with your sister), (2) so that you remember everyone who is there with their spouse, so that however long down the road it is and they are then divorces, you can lament with her about oh, how horrible, any pics with so and so are now ruined because they are not married anymore and so I hate that your special memories of them are tainted (yep, I am vindictive, fully admit it), and (3) so that when it is time for your own big day you can then make her feel rotten by ending up NOT inviting her to yours after all, while having been at hers. And, yes, I can be that petty sometimes, but usually only to those who really deserve it and who have really hurt me, and this gal would definitely be in that category. But I still would keep digging until I found out the real reason, because mark my words, THERE IS a real reason that is NOT the one you were given. So in a nutshell you are not the jerk, not even a little bit, regardless of all others' comments. And one last thing, almost every Bridezilla in the world ends up divorced because of their actions leading up to their wedding, and just from this one little tidbit of insight into her life, it is almost certain that her wedding is for appearances only, and let me guess they have spent well over $10k on this shindig. Studies have shown the more money spent (especially anything over $10k), the quicker the divorce. But even if you stay friends with her, remember ALL OF THIS when she is single and maybe just dating a new guy without it being "valid" and you of course then have to tell her he cannot be involved in whatever the plans are, whether a friends vacation, christening of a baby, whatever. Because that day will happen; not a doubt in my mind that she and her husband will not be married for more than five years.
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2. AITJ For Accepting My Dad's Gifts Even Though I Don't Talk To Him?


“When I was about 8 or 9, I caught my dad hooking up with a “friend” of his. He told me it was over and if I told mum then I would be the sole person responsible for causing them to divorce and tearing the family apart, as well as ruining 5 lives (me, dad, mum, my baby brother, and the other woman).

As I was a kid, I believed him, and kept my mouth shut, and it wasn’t until I was 14 that dad came clean and said he wanted a divorce so he could marry his “friend.”

I know they usually ask what the kids want, but they didn’t in my case, and mum and I have our own issues so even if they had asked me, I don’t know what I’d have said as she and dad were as bad as each other.

They ended up with 50/50 custody of me and my brother, but as soon as I was 16 I got a job to save up. After my 18th birthday, I started moving things out of my house and into my friend’s flat, and on my 18th birthday, I left to live with this friend full time, although I was already basically living there before that.

I stayed in touch with my brother, but not with either parent.

Mum pretty much wrote me off before I even moved out but dad kept trying with me. Dad’s “trying” is mainly gifts, something he also did when I was a kid. He’ll send me something on my birthday or at Christmas, usually a gift set or gift card, and every now and again he’ll transfer me some money.

I’ll sporadically get messages through social media (usually every 6 months or so) just saying he hopes I’m doing well and he’d love to see me. I’ve never responded or reached out and while it’s never a massive amount of money, I am a student so it usually just gives me a bit more spending or serves as an emergency fund.

Today is my 21st birthday, a gift set of bath stuff arrived, along with a gift tag saying “To OP, love dad.” I put the gift set in the bathroom, with the tag still attached.

My brother, who I had invited over for a small birthday party in the flat, recognized dad’s handwriting on the tag and made a comment like, “Oh, I didn’t know you were in touch with dad.” I, already a little tipsy, admitted that I wasn’t. He then asked why dad was sending me stuff if we weren’t in touch and I said that he wants me to talk to him but I’m not responding.

He asked how long this had been going on and I told him since I moved out.

He then said what I was doing was really messed up and I was basically “leading him on” (but in like a family way not a weird way) and said I was conning dad out of his as he was clearly sending stuff in the hopes I’d eventually talk to him and doesn’t know I have no intention of speaking to him.

Up until now, I’ve told myself it’s dad’s money, he can afford it, I’ve not told him to do this or indicated that this will work in any way, and it’s been 3 years to the day since our last interaction but he’s still doing it.

AITJ for letting my dad continue to buy me stuff without getting in touch or telling him that it’s not going to work?”

Another User Comments:

The fact you don’t return the gifts makes it clear that this is a form of relationship you’re okay with. Frankly, I get it. Your brother also has no idea how your father feels. If you’re only okay with this form of contact and your father feels good with the one-sided gift giving (not a shame thing, just stating what it is) then it’s fine.

Let’s posit another possibility. Let’s say you and your brother had a “normal” relationship with your father but he spent more time with your father. Would you somehow be having a “wrong” type of relationship with your father?

All kinds of folks have different relationships for different reasons. It’s easy for folks to project their ideal relationships toward others.

I get how it can be hard for people to have very different relationships with people, especially when it comes to family.

My go-to line – “it’s what works for us.”

  • implies it works

  • counts you and the other person in a unit

  • implies effort and attempt

I don’t add qualifiers because those can be argued against eg works for us ‘now.'” treacletrickle

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I think your dad’s feeling regret and desperately wants to fix it.

You’re making it clear it can’t be, but as he continues anyway, I understand it as he still wants to make the gesture. I think he’d be honored you’d take the gift, it doesn’t seem like he’s just trying to buy you off. Take the gifts and enjoy them like your father would like, it would be petty to refuse them just because.

If you feel like being nice, I think you could also just send him a thank you card for Christmas once, not necessarily acknowledging the relationship or lack thereof–not as making him think there’s room for him in your life. Are you thankful for the gifts?” syborg64

Another User Comments:

What you’re doing is actually a method many use when dealing with toxic family members. You basically become a “black hole”: anything they send gets no response. You can throw it out or donate it or use it, but you don’t tell them anything. You would be TJ if you specifically called him up and asked him for things while implying you would be willing to have a relationship, but if he wants to send you stuff you didn’t ask for, then you’re not a jerk.” KatKit52

Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Even though you don’t want to talk to him, you’re still allowing him to have the hope that you will get in touch, it’s obvious that he’s trying to keep you in his life, but even if you really want nothing to do with him, you should talk to him and explain why. Your brother is right, even though you aren’t responding you are still leading him on and giving him hope that you will get in contact with him one of these days.” yeeterfry

-1 points (1 votes)

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Stagewhisperer 8 months ago
Katkit is correct, yeeterfry can get yote. The financial support is presumably in quantities small enough that your father won't miss them, but are meaningful to you as a young adult; honestly for gaslighting you as a child for six years and then blowing up his own marriage anyhow, it is the least he can do. If he has expectations of you, they are a product of his imagination - you don't owe him anything, and if he starts acting entitled to more than he's getting, start sending the gifts back. Perhaps a point will come in your life where you do want him in your life again, or to make token pleasantries like cards or gifts - 'one of these days' encompasses literally your entire future, or at least the remainder of his lifespan - in which case you clearly haven't been leading him on...but even if that doesn't happen, he's a grown man and can choose to throw money into a 'gamble' like this without guarantee of anything to show for it.

If your bro told your dad, and your dad stopped the gifts, and then you got mad about that, YWBTA...but as long as there's truly no strings attached, on either side, this situation is tenable. Maybe your brother is jealous that your dad isn't trying to 'court' him the same way, either because he also could use the $ or because he would refuse the gifts anyhow but still feels 'left out'. Does he know about the additional burden your father put on you as a child? That might clear up why your father is trying so hard to make amends (and why you will accept his financial support but not his presence in your life...)
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1. AITJ For Winning A Cosplay Contest With A Fake Chest?


“I (22f) am a cosplayer. I dress up for fun as anime characters and I’ve been doing that for five years now. I’m not a pro or anything, but I’ve learned how to sew, make foam armor, that sort of stuff, I’m sorta competent at it right now.

A local anime convention near my town was having a cosplay contest. All you had to do was have your pic taken during the event and sent before their deadline and people would vote on them on social media. It was sort of informal and the prize was only a few gift cards so it wasn’t a big deal.

I don’t have much of an online presence so I didn’t think I would have a chance, but I decided to give it a shot anyway since I’ve been building a certain armor for a while and I thought it looked good. Without getting into the details, it’s a warrior that happens to have an ample cleavage window.

(Yeah, I know, but I still love her)

After voting had started, I was surprised at the positive feedback I was receiving. Some comments said I looked fierce, my wig was fantastic, my armor looked real, etc. A few of the comments also pointed out how I was “really doing the character justice” because of the size of my chest, some more crudely worded than others.

I left a like on all the replies since any praise was good. The only issue is: I’m flat as a board.

Underneath my armor, I was wearing what is quite literally a breastplate made out of silicon that gives me (in the words of a friend) some serious enhancements.

The armor had a neckpiece and shoulder pads, so the seams were perfectly hidden. Since the character’s bosom is sorta diamond-shaped, there’s even an some side view on display so it doesn’t look like I’m all padded up, it looks like the real deal.

A week goes by and I get a notification on social media.

Apparently, I won the contest. I was ecstatic, it was the first time my “work” had been recognized like that. I messaged some friends, they were all happy for me. I was reading the comments and one of them stuck out, saying he wasn’t surprised I had won considering my body.

So I decided to be snarky and reply with “Well, if all that’s needed to win a contest is a chest, here’s where I bought mine!” and linked the silicon chest I was using.

And apparently, that was a mistake, since I got a few rude comments on that reply, some saying I was fooling people, some a bit more nasty saying I was just using a fake body just to get ahead of “real cosplayers.”  A few people even left mean comments on my social media for that.

I took a break from social media because they were being a pain in the butt.

I told friends about what happened and some of them said I might have been the jerk for being snarky like that and I should have just accepted the prize and moved on, but I feel like this situation has escalated way too far.

It even soured my mood towards that specific cosplay even though it’s probably my best work so far. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

Isn’t Cosplay dressing up as someone you’re not..? Based on FICTIONAL characters..?

If the character you’re basing your costume on has a big chest, and you don’t, then some sort of prosthesis would be required to make it accurate.

If a dude had dressed as the same character and won using a fake chest, would this still be an issue..?

‘Underneath my armor, I was wearing what is quite literally a breastplate made out of silicon that gives me (in the words of a friend) some serious enhancements.

The armor had a neckpiece and shoulder pads, so the seams were perfectly hidden. Since the character’s bosom is sorta diamond-shaped, there’s even an some side view on display so it doesn’t look like I’m all padded up, it looks like the real deal.’

Good on you for going all out!

‘I got a few rude comments on that reply, some saying I was fooling people, some a bit more nasty saying I was just using a fake body just to get ahead of “real cosplayers”.

A few people even left mean comments on my social media for that. I took a break from social media because they were being a pain in the rear.’

Screw them. I’ve tried to instill in my kids, and others, that unless you actually value the person giving the opinion, the opinion is just hot air…

(It’s deeper than that, but that’s the Reader’s Digest Condensed version).

I told friends about what happened and some of them said I might have been the jerk for being snarky like that and I should have just accepted the prize and moved on, but I feel like this situation has escalated way too far.

You are in no way the jerk for being a good-natured, non-harmful smarty pants.” Dawitchy1

Another User Comments:

I work in the industry. I’ve worked on shows you might have even seen.

If someone is playing Cyrano, guess what, they get a fake nose. Prospero? Fake beard. Greek warriors or Roman gladiators? Airbrush some abs on ‘em. Wicked witch? Prosthetic nose.

Like, come the heck on, are the orcs in LOTR any less horribly fabulous because…they’re not real orcs?

Anime characters and cosplay fall under fantasy costume, as do superheroes.

Did you know Deadpool’s muscle structure is actually subtly airbrushed onto the suit, which is built off of motorcycle armor and has a plastic understructure for his shoulders?

You’re dressing up as something not real to begin with.

Some of those famous cosplayers have a fake chest, does it make them more or less valid because the silicone prosthetic isn’t removable? They can have a fake chest if it makes them feel pretty and they are not the problem.

The problem is that the cosplay community is NOTORIOUS for its toxicity.

I’m a pro-level costumer and I’m not brave enough to cosplay because there’s a gross number of entitled incel mouthbreathers gonna say my chest is too flat or I’m too tall or whatever else frustrated basement trolls wanna say. I’ve got mental health issues and I ain’t got the mental fortitude to handle that.

So tell ‘em to screw off.

Like, in no uncertain terms, and keep doing what you’re doing, my brave foam warrior princess.

Costuming needs your creativity and input. You handled everything about the costume just in line with the industry standard. I’m sure it was wonderful and deserving.

You can’t win with the “gamers rise up” crowd.

If a few guys are butthurt that they voted for you based on the spankitide rather than the effort put in, that’s a “them” problem, not a “you” problem.

You’re even allowed to block them from your feeds. You’re not under the obligation to try to farm views or maintain the most followers.

Seriously. You are allowed to block people who harass you. There’s no rule that obligates you to consider every opinion even if that opinion is unasked for commentary about your body. Furthermore, most of these dudes know NOTHING about costume construction and couldn’t so much as sew a tote bag.

If they knew ANYTHING, they’d know that prosthetics are a common part of fantasy costume to begin with.

Seriously tell ‘em to pound sand and block them on any media where you have that control. If this is taking place on an event’s page, contact the event team and show them the comments and lodge a formal complaint.

It probably won’t go anywhere but if enough people do lodge formal complaints with the event, they will eventually have to at least moderate the comments.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:
“Absolutely, 100,000% NTJ. Almost every cosplayer uses enhancements to look as close to a character as they can and what you did was no different.

You busted your butt on that costume and though I’ve never cosplayed myself, I HAVE worked on making a costume before and it’s hard to do! It takes time, and most of all, the patience of a saint, to work those materials and all you did was enhance what God gave you to look more like the character.

That guy was just being a salty jerk for some reason and all he was basing your efforts on was your body, which is a move off the bat if you ask me. He didn’t bother talking about your work and detail that went into making the armor or how well you matched the wig, or how closely you paid attention to the makeup the character wears to then put on yourself, he was solely speaking of your body, so screw him.

You are so much more than your body, so even though his comment ticked you off enough to make a snarky reply, he shouldn’t have remarked on it as though that was all people were gonna look at on you.

If him and all those others who had something to say about you using the silicone inserts, then they should have something to say about all the other cosplayers out there who use elfin ear tips, fangs, claws, snouts, creature and both wild/domesticated animal ears, tails, paws and contacts.

Those things are all used in the art of cosplay and bringing a character to life, be it for conventions or photos. And I’d challenge any one of them to point out to me, be it a well-known cosplayer or someone who’s just getting into it, which one of them is using those sticky silicone inserts or even those sticky silicone butt enhancers in their cosplay because it happens almost all the time.

I’m sorry you had to experience such unpleasant people who seem to not realize how normal and regularly done that is given how many people cosplay as characters with ridiculous body shapes and dimensions, and I’m sorry that some of your friends said you were wrong going about it as you did.

You have every right to be snarky when to someone else when it comes to YOUR body.

And lastly, CONGRATULATIONS!!! You deserve it, hon and I hope it gives you the courage to keep doing what you’re doing and to keep bettering your craft!” SpaceWitch31

Another User Comments:
“My personal opinion is that a little bit ESH.

Obviously it shouldn’t matter that you are wearing a fake chest for a cosplaying contest, therefore the commenters are the jerks.

Chest-related comments were already there when the jury is still out on the competition, and you didn’t comment on them now, which strikes me as a bit odd.

Is it possible that you know that the people leaving those comments, the same ones who will have an effect on you winning or not, will have a problem with your fake chest, which is why you didn’t leave a comment then? Is it possible that you were withholding information to win?

After you won, you responded to those comments. I could be stretching here, but the timing of your comments suggests that you knew that information may offset your chances of winning, therefore commenting on it after you’ve won, does seem a bit redundant and in bad taste, hence the ESH.” pasacrell

-2 points (2 votes)

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Stagewhisperer 8 months ago
It's a costume contest, not a beauty pageant (and those probably have their fair share of silicone too, just the permanent kind). Anyone who is judging you on your body is just telling on themselves; you do not owe them transparency about the elements of your costume, and any tantrums about being 'misled' have big incel energy. If they wouldn't have voted for your amazing costume with that knowledge, they are admitting that their votes are based on percieved fuckability rather than costuming talent - that reflects wholly on them, not you.
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