People Get Spiteful About Their 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
24. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mom's New Partner Around So Soon After My Dad's Death?
“So my (f20) father passed away from cancer early last year. He and my mom had a rocky marriage in his last years but she always took care of him and stuck by him after his cancer diagnosis. Approximately 7 months after his passing she told me she found a partner and that she was happy with him.
I was studying abroad when she told me so I just told her that as long as she’s happy and my brother (12) is also ok with it then I don’t mind.
The problem is ever since I came back home I found out he shows up to our house every day and it honestly bugs me and my brother a bit from what I can tell.
It’s just weird having someone else sharing this space with us that isn’t my dad. My mom asked me if I had any problem with it and I said something along the lines of “It might not be too soon for you but I feel like it’s too soon for us to have someone else in the house”
So I don’t know if I’m being selfish, I respect her feelings and want her to be happy but I can’t help being a bit angry whenever he shows up. My brother never leaves his room and sometimes is afraid to go into the kitchen because they’re in there.
It’s just uncomfortable.
Basically, we had a big fight because she started saying what if we want to go on vacations together as a “family” and we just told her she could go with him but we’re not going and not to include us.
He also has 2 kids (divorced) so I asked her if they’d invite her to their family vacations and she said she didn’t know. I said she was moving on too fast and she got mad and I can tell she resents me a bit.
I keep thinking about this and I know I’m probably being selfish but I feel like he was our father until the day he died while she might’ve felt like their marriage was over a long time ago so we had different times to process.
I just need to know if I need to suck it up and accept it and if I’m being a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Everyone grieves differently. While you lost a father, she lost a husband that she had already started to drift apart from.
I’d have a sit-down and let her know you haven’t moved on just yet and would appreciate a little more time before viewing someone else even close to that role. If she’s serious about him, and he’s a good guy, they should be understanding of you two needing to slow it down.
In the meantime, give the guy a chance. Maybe do small things together and just look at him as a guy your mom likes. She’s a person too.” Discount_Mithral
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You and your mom are on different timetables with your grief, which is normal. A lot of people in her shoes would have just walked away from their unhappy marriage when their spouse got sick, but she stayed and made sure he was cared for until the end.
Perhaps try talking with your mom and explain that you will be polite to the new partner and give him a fair chance, but you would appreciate her not trying to force the relationship and family vacations on you while you’re still grieving the loss of your dad.
Forcing it isn’t going to do any of you any favors in the long run, and it will likely create resentments that will be difficult to get over.” Ajstross
23. AITJ For Not Going To The Accident Scene Even Though My Wife Said She Was Fine?
“So last night my wife went to pick up some food, I stayed home with our son (15) and I got a call from her, she explained that she got rear-ended by a young driver (it was snowing pretty bad) She asked me if I wanted to go check the car since she was close to home (like 10 min drive)
I asked her first if she was alright and how the car was, she said the car looked fine but the other car’s front bumper was pretty messed up, I said if you think the car is ok just take the other driver’s information and take pictures in case we find something else.
She said ok but seemed stressed (understandably) so I asked her if she wanted me to go and check it, she said no it was fine, then I said again that if she preferred that I go (I felt I should double ask), that it was no problem but assured me it was ok.
When she got home, I checked the car (it was fine, just a small dent). Then I got back in, she immediately gave me the cold shoulder and I asked her what was up with that. Then she said « you should’ve come to check it, the young driver was crying and I was stressed out, I wanted you to come but you didn’t want to » Then followed an argument where I remembered specifically asking her multiple times if she really wanted me to go, she said that she didn’t « feel » like I wanted to go so didn’t say yes.
In context, we have been fighting a lot lately and the relationship is tense (we’ve been together for 14 years). To be honest I always try to do what I think is best for her, which somehow always ends up being the wrong thing. Also, I personally felt that she didn’t want to deal with the crash and wanted me to deal with it instead.
But I trust her judgment and since she told me it was no big deal well, I thought just take the info and we’ll be done (driving there for me would’ve taken the same time as her coming back home)
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is suffering from “I want you to do what I want but don’t want to TELL you what I want so I’ll actually say the opposite.” This could have easily been avoided by a “Do you want/need me to come check it out?” “Yes.” “Ok, on my way.” The second she says “No I got it,” you’re in the clear and if she’s stressed out that’s on her.
If you all are old enough to have a 15-year-old son, she’s too old to not be able to handle a simple insurance claim and police report, especially with how quick and easy it is to file stuff via mobile apps for insurance companies.” neophenx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — Yes, she experienced a stressful event but she needs to learn to state, “YES, I want you here!” rather than stating no (several times). You are not a mind reader and each person in a marriage has the sole responsibility to state their needs.
Best to you.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ “You should have known” is not a valid argument for her in this case. She’s an adult perfectly capable of articulating when she wants help, and here she chose to say that she didn’t need your help.
It would be different in a situation where, for example, she called you like, “What do I do?! What do I do?!” and then the call dropped and you stayed home. Then she could argue that she clearly needed help and you ignored that. But in this case you’ve presented here, she specifically told you she didn’t need you there.
That’s it. That’s the whole game.” chronberries
22. AITJ For Accepting Grandad's Prize Money From His Secret Family Competition?
“So I (21F) went to my grandad (80M) house last week and he handed me a jar full of cash with my name on it. He told me to count it and it came to £3200.
I asked him what it was for and he explained the rules of the game he’d been playing with the whole family:
From the 1st of December 2023 to the 31st of December 2023, every time a member of the family visited him, he’d put £100 in their jar for every hour they spent with him.
At the end of the month, the person who spent the most time with him would receive all of the money in their jar, and the others would get nothing. He didn’t tell anybody that he was doing this so that no one spent extra time with him to get the money.
I won his “game” by £600, so 6 hours more than the person who came second (my uncle).
At first, I didn’t want to accept the money, only because I didn’t think it was right to play games with people without them knowing, especially not your family.
But after a while, he convinced me to take my prize money because I “earned it”.
When I got home, I told my parents about the money and explained his game to them. I told my mum where she came on the scoreboard (4th) and she was understandably upset at her father for making us unknowingly compete with each other.
Then she told the rest of the family via a group chat.
So now pretty much my whole family is mad at my grandad for doing this, but also me for accepting the money. He is an old man and he’s not exactly a millionaire, so they think that I should have refused the money and confronted him for what he did.
I think that if he was willing to play this game then he has no problem with giving the money away, and he did insist on me taking it. Also, he’s always been a weird guy, so although I don’t agree with what he did, I’m not too surprised, so I don’t think I should have had to start an argument with him about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I think this game just shows which people in the family get along with him better/feel a certain closeness and understanding with your grandpa and thus spend time together. Is it a bit rude to put that into monetary value?
A bit, but he’s free to do what he wants, though I suspect now he’ll just get many more visits around Christmas and he will not give money again next year.” stressedpesitter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Objectively, your grandfather has decided to give you money, and that’s purely between the two of you.
This should be the end of the story. Now, if you want to discuss the “gamification” aspect of it, here’s what I think. Your grandfather has noticed things (or he wouldn’t have come up with this game), and to reward certain behaviors without encouraging purely greedy attitudes, he rewards them after the fact.
Family members being mad at losing this game and showing animosity (if not jealousy) because you did comes very close to an embarrassing self-report.” ladyteruki
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s his money he can do whatever he wants with it. If he chose to keep a tally of who spent time with him and then give them the money that is his business.
You will probably not be able to get into his house again with all of your other family members in there all the time, trying to “win” a jar of money. Relish the time you had with him and continue to see him when you can.” dunitdotus
21. AITJ For Calling Out My Mom's Disrespectful Behavior On Our Vacation in Japan?
“My mom (54F) and I (18F) are on vacation in Japan.
My whole family is well aware of her narcissistic and entitled tendencies so I was already feeling a bit nervous being on vacation with her alone, but I tried to look past it because it’s cool that I get to visit Japan! Anyway, I’ve been getting increasingly annoyed and embarrassed being with her here.
It’s as if she has no social awareness and respect for the people here. She’s the type to stop in the middle of a moving crowd to take photos and guess what, she’s done that so many times here. I feel so embarrassed each time because I know that Japan is like a culture of respect so every time she does stuff like this, I just wanna hide, but she’s the only person I “have” here, so, it’s a bit difficult to simply ignore her.
Another incident- We were at this store shopping for boots, and when she wanted to check for sizes, she just approached the sales lady from the back and rudely asked “This one do you have M” with like no “excuse me” or whatever, and in a very mean tone.
Moreover, when the lady finished assisting us, she didn’t even say thank you; she just walked away.
After that, I called her out on being rude and disrespectful to the people here. I just asked her to say thank you and excuse me. She then replied “Whatever.
It doesn’t matter. As long as I can buy stuff.” Oh my god. I continued to call her out and she yelled at me in the mall “Then you don’t have to come with me. You’re always criticizing me” … Ma’am you bought the tickets a year in advance.
This trip is also my birthday trip. Oh yeah, my dad was supposed to come with us, but he got hurt and can’t walk, so he couldn’t join us. Anyway, now I’m not talking to my mom. I already told my sisters about this and she said to just walk away and shop on my own and meet with my mom after like an hour or something- Yeah I’ll probably do that but like I’m scared to shop on my own but it’ll probably be better than shopping with my mom.
And now she’s all mad at me for “ruining our vacation” AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I live in a big city with a high tourist population, and, while they can at times be irritating and in the way, for the most part, we don’t notice them and they’re a huge part of the city’s economy.
They just kind of come with the territory, but no one is thinking about them as much as it probably feels to you like they are. I know at your age parents are incredibly annoying. Sometimes that doesn’t improve much as we get older, but it does sound like your sulking and calling out your mom’s behavior isn’t much fun to be around either on this trip.
This is a trip she’s been looking forward to as much as you have. Try to get past the things that are bothering you and have a good time. You only get so many of these memories in a lifetime and only so many with your mom.
Time for an attitude adjustment so you can both enjoy yourselves.” Inner-General5585
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right about stopping in the middle of a moving crowd. Japanese people are too polite to say anything, but they would be annoyed. Also, she was very disrespectful to the sales lady.
I wonder if she is like that in your home country too? As many other people have commented, Japan is an extremely safe place to explore on your own. I was also 18 when I first visited and would just walk out of the train station trying to find my destination without any map (didn’t have wifi) get completely lost (often stumbling upon great spots by utter chance) and then ask somebody for directions.
Many people here are not comfortable speaking English, but they would still try to help me and even walk me to my destination. So I would advise you to just ditch your mum whenever possible and start going on your adventures.” National-Ratio-8270
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people shouldn’t travel but you are there. Do what you can on your own. Work on feeling comfortable doing things because when it gets better it is so worth it. Also just because you are traveling together doesn’t mean you have to do everything together.
Have fun, but goodness your mom just makes herself look bad.” lmmontes
20. AITJ For Not Buying All The Groceries My Sister Needed?
“I (30F) recently offered to help my sister and her husband (27F, 29M). The day after Christmas he was diagnosed with tumors in his leg and he recently started treatment. Our parents have been helping with cleaning their house, organizing rides to treatment, going over to cook for them, etc. I wasn’t really sure what I could do that they aren’t already but I told them if I could fill in somehow then to let me know.
My sister reached out in our family chat today and mentioned they needed some groceries. Our parents are out of town so I said I could pick them up for her. She sent me a list and I said I’d drop it off this evening.
It was a list of about 20 items. I didn’t pay attention to how many things were on her list until I got to the store. I was also doing my grocery shopping at the same time. Both lists wound up being WAY more than I planned on spending.
I did not get about 10 items from my sister’s list that didn’t seem like essentials.
When I got to her house she asked if the store was out of things. I told her the truth and she seemed miffed. After we got the groceries put away she said she didn’t understand my point because she had sent me money via an app to cover the groceries.
I did not know this until she said something about it.
She asked if I could go back since I had the money and started guilt-tripping me about their situation. I still needed to get home to put my own groceries away, so I told her I could just send her half of her money back and she can get it delivered or something.
A while later she texted me and said “they” were hurt (I don’t think this is true because her husband didn’t say anything while I was there) and she said she wouldn’t be asking me for help anymore. I said she’s being demanding and people have been more than kind to her, so she should be thankful, not critical. We argued back and forth and she insists I am in the wrong.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You should have read the list before leaving, so you could have figured out the payment thing ahead of time, honestly. I don’t think you’re a jerk, just maybe more so than your sister. I would have gone back for her groceries, knowing what they are going through, personally. No jerks here to YTJ.” cinderparty
Another User Comments:
“YTJ “I didn’t pay attention to how many things were on her list until I got to the store.” Why bother even offering to help her? “She asked if I could go back since I had the money and started guilt-tripping me about their situation.
I still needed to get home to put my own groceries away, so I told her I could just send her half of her money back and she can get it delivered or something.” So now she has half her groceries and has to go out grocery shopping herself.
Well done! She’ll likely never ask you for help again unless she is desperate.” indicatprincess
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You were just trying to help, but I’d be annoyed too if somebody offered to pick up my grocery list and then came back with only half the items. I probably wouldn’t ask for that person’s help again.
Why didn’t you text her while you were in the store and ask her which items from her list if any you could skip? Also, you need to give her back her exact change, not just ‘half.'” gotogodot
19. AITJ For Refusing To Move Out Because My Partner Is Uncomfortable With My Male Roommate?
“My partner Sam (27M) and I (22F) got into a heated argument last night about my roommate, John (23M).
John and I have been living together for over a year, having moved together to a new country as planned for years. We’ve known each other since we were teens.
3 months after moving my partner and I met. After a few months we started seeing each other.
We’ve been together for 2 months now. Sam initially had no issue with me living with John, he even said he liked him and thought he was a great guy.
However, last night, he suddenly changed his mind and told me that he finds it disrespectful that I live with a guy.
He said it’s normal for him to not want his partner to live with another guy.
I assured him that John and I are just best friends, and that there has NEVER been anything romantic between us. It’s strictly platonic. I love him as a best friend.
He said I could just live on my own since I can afford it and it would just solve the problem and we wouldn’t have to argue. But the thing is, I don’t want to move out. And I don’t want him to tell me what do to.
John and I planned this move for years, and we really enjoy living together. It has been so fun the past year. Sam started being really hostile and said that if I like living with John so much and he’s so amazing “why do I even bother wasting his time” suggesting I would leave him for John in the future.
Then he asked me how I would feel if he suddenly wanted to live with one of his girl coworkers… I told him he can do whatever he pleases. He said “oh so you’d be totally fine with it?” to which I responded of course not, and he called me a hypocrite… That would be a whole different situation though, this isn’t at all what happened with John – I didn’t just suddenly want to live with a random guy from work, I’ve been best friends with him for years and have lived with him before I even met Sam…
I asked him if it would be a problem if John was a girl, considering I’m bi and have had partners in the past. Shockingly he said it would be different because girls are different and “he knows what guys are like”. I got mad and said John wouldn’t even have to live with me for me to be unfaithful to him with him if I wanted to.
Sam got very mad at me and told me to leave… I left because I was just so done with this ridiculous situation. Now that I think about it maybe what I said did come off wrong, I would NEVER ever be unfaithful to him and just meant that if I was unfaithful the guy wouldn’t have to live with me for me to be unfaithful… and I’m NOT unfaithful.
John said he finds the situation ridiculous but is willing to move out if that means I’d be happy. I wouldn’t be happy though, I want to continue living with him. We both enjoy living together. We’ve planned this for YEARS. I don’t want to abandon my best friend in a new country just because my partner suddenly feels threatened for no reason.
So, AITJ for wanting to continue living with John?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Firstly, you shouldn’t be letting a partner of 3 months make any decisions for you. Secondly, I’d imagine you and your roommate probably planned this move with the assumption you would live together for at least a year (a typical lease length).
The fact the roommate is bending over backwards for you, while your partner is making unreasonable demands should tell you something. Wake up.” sweate1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Girl I am begging you, please don’t make the same mistake I did. It has cost me so much, that I can’t even put it into words.
Don’t do it. Don’t stay in a relationship with him. I am 36 now and I made the choice to stay when I was also 22 and it is seriously one of my biggest regrets in life. Don’t do it. There will be others, and they will be better than him.
Keep the bff lose the partner.” SaorsaAgusDochas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ ish. You should not have to move because your partner is insecure. Bottom line. The “ish” is only added for your statement of being upset if he moved in with a female coworker. If that was for any reason other that provoking you, then your partner has the same right to do as that would want.
If it’s purely to provoke then of course he’s the jerk. Partner has to get over himself or you should kick him to the curb because it’s not going to lead anywhere positive if he can’t get his ego in check.” Floyd-fan
18. AITJ For Cutting Off Contact With My Parents After They Scared My Daughter?
“So I was raised very religiously in the South of the United States. One of the big parts of my upbringing was an emphasis on the afterlife and how I would be in a terrible place for all eternity unless I had “accepted Jesus into my heart”.
My parents and other adults at the church would go on and on about this terrible place and torture for as long as you’d listen and as a result, I grew up terrified of dying without being fully confirmed in my faith.
I would literally ask god to save me and try to confirm my beliefs in Jesus multiple times a day to stave off the condemnation I thought was potentially coming my way.
I would have nightmares where I died and went to this terrible place forever. It was always on my mind and it messed me up from around 4 years old and onward.
Finally I went to college, found other views and opinions and left the religion.
Cut to today, I (37m) and my wife (35f) are both atheists. Our daughter is now 4 and my parents came over to visit us. I was in the kitchen with my wife when I hear my daughter burst into tears in the other room. My wife and I rush in to find my mother talking with her and basically telling her all about “how to avoid this terrible place”.
I was incredibly angry and kicked my parents out. My daughter is still having nightmares just like I did. My parents say I’m being unfair and that they are trying to save her soul from their made-up torture prison and that ‘their granddaughter’s soul is more important than my objections’ I’m not having it.
I’ve cut off all contact with them and my wife is in agreement.
Some friends when told the story, say I’m being too harsh on my parents as they are only trying to help, I say I specifically told them to not do things like this and the consequences are natural. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I do not care what other people are going to say about respecting other people’s beliefs. Nonsense. They only care about respect when they want to spout ideas about their silly sky zombie buddy. If the roles were reversed and they had someone young and impressionable around them and you told that child that all that Jesus bologna is hogwash your parents would be furious.
I grew up around extremely religious people. They are ok with upsetting you as long as what they are saying is about their god. Once you try to talk about any other religion, do they get upset? Actions have consequences. 100% NTJ.” Buttchuck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this situation is really unfair to you. You should be able to love and know your parents without worrying about them pushing a harmful belief onto your daughter. Your boundaries should always be heard and respected when it comes to raising your kids. You’re not wrong for cutting them off over this, this is a lesson they’ll need to learn and if they can’t do that then you should keep them at a distance.” Two-Branch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You set a boundary, and they broke it. As someone your age who grew up similarly, I fully understand their point of view. They literally believe that your daughter is going to be tortured for all eternity unless she accepts their system of belief.
It sucks that they have those beliefs, but their actions are based on that understanding and are arguably rational within the bounds of their worldview. I wish that more evangelicals were of the opinion that “you get more flies with honey than vinegar.” I hope for your sake that your parents might one day learn to think that way.
I would encourage you to be open to the possibility that they can change for the better one day, but I would keep any future interactions firmly on your terms, if you resume contact at all. To say the very least, you are not the jerk.
Good luck.” octopusforgood
17. AITJ For Not Giving Context To My Bad Sleep To My Partner?
“I’m 28F, my partner 26M. Together 2.5 years, living together 2 years. No kids.
So I’m pretty talkative but like quietness in the morning before work. I was woken up by a knocking on the front door at 7:20 am before my alarm was due to go off at 7:30 am.
I got back into bed after letting the cleaner in and my partner cuddled me from behind asking if I slept OK. Truthfully, I said “No”, he rolled over to the other side and I proceeded to get ready for work. We had some minor interactions throughout and I kissed him goodbye and wished him a good day.
He then said “Sorry for whatever I did wrong”, confused I said “Wdym? you didn’t do anything,” he said I was upset… I said I wasn’t and asked what he meant. Turns out his perspective is that I shouldn’t just say “no” and that I need to give context such as why I slept badly otherwise I’m just spreading negativity and starting his day poorly.
I kinda lost it. I’m not really a morning person and had a short fuse… possibly bc of my disturbed sleep. Anyway, we argued when I came home and he stood by his point that I can’t start the day badly otherwise it ruins everyone’s day.
So am I the jerk? I shouldn’t lie and say “it’s fine” when it’s not but also I’m expected to give a detailed report when I’m barely awake, don’t want to talk yet and tbh it feels self-serving. If my partner said he didn’t sleep well, I’d move closer and ask why, I wouldn’t roll away and be annoyed they are spreading negativity.
I could be wrong tho. Life is pretty great maybe I should just appreciate more and be thankful I even have a bed, can sleep a job to go to, and a cleaner to let in, and my answer should for those reasons alone always be “good”.
Help me out. It’s pretty minor but we were arguing about this so perhaps I’m the jerk. (we’re all good now but I want to avoid this in the future).”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s the jerk, but not for the initial action… hear me out.
You were short with him, rolled over, got up, and didn’t say much else until you left. Any empathetic person would think they’d done something to upset you. You didn’t mean it that way, and that’s fine, it came across that way tho.
So far no jerks here, just a misunderstanding. However, he’s overreacting now AND you’re minimizing his feelings too. Your actions have consequences in a relationship, they can hurt people even if you don’t intend them to. But instead of acknowledging the issue, validating each other, and moving on like adults… you’re both arguing about who is right.
Stop that.” abritinthebay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Weirdly, he’s making this all about him. Usually, if someone is having a bad day, you’d inquire why and offer some way to lighten their mood. Even if you can’t do anything except listen to them vent. Your partner has no reason to assume he was the reason you were upset and double so to remain mad at the short responses throughout the day when you already explained he wasn’t the reason why you were in a bad mood.
Maybe he’s reading signs that aren’t there, but that would require an open conversation to figure out.” TheDestroyer229
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s not about how you slept, whether good or bad. It’s your cold answer. I don’t think he put it into words properly but it’s that he cuddled up and asked you a question and you shot down his warmth.
It’s the equivalent of a “k” text. You shouldn’t have to put on a cheery face at all times, but a simple “no, I got woken up early.” Then a snuggle closer would have made him plenty happy I’m sure. You just seemed annoyed at him rather than the situation.” memyselfandemily
16. AITJ For Not Going To The Water Park With My Friends Because I Didn't Want To Be The Odd One Out?
“Originally, me and my 3 friends (A, B, C) wanted to go to this water park outside the city since last year. To go there, we need to wake up at like 5 AM, be at the train station at 6 AM, and travel there for 2 and a half hours.
At 9:30 we are there. Usually, we go to a lot of parks and the travel is not a problem, we talk on the train and stuff, even though it’s like a 3-hour journey both there and back.
However, this time I wasn’t sure I wanted to go.
I don’t know why, just wanted to stay home and do nothing and not talk to anyone. I told it to my friends but they managed to encourage me to go. They also told me that they invited person D, who is seeing C (so I assumed D and C would stick together most of the time), and A invited her younger brother E.
I have talked to E, but he is way younger than me, like 14, and we are all 17-18.
Therefore, there is a total of 6 of us going. Person A told me I should go because her brother, E, would be the odd one out (as there would be 5 people).
This made me not want to go anymore because D and C are seeing each other, so they will be together all the time, A and B are good friends, and I’m just left with E.
I don’t have anything against anyone coming, they are all nice, I just don’t talk a lot with the brother specifically and thought that they just invited more people and only wanted me to go so that these newly invited people wouldn’t feel left out.
I told them that I just didn’t want to go because of the travel and that I just wanted to rest, not telling them the actual reason.
I know I don’t have to go anywhere with anyone if I don’t want to, but then E is left out and my friends are probably disappointed in me because we always go to theme parks together, no matter the weather or how long it takes to get there.
Please tell me, AITJ? Did I make the right decision?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You never have to go to any particular social event – “I just don’t feel like it” is more than good enough as a reason. Plus it’s super common for people to enjoy hanging out with their core friend group, but get out of when extra people come along and change the whole dynamic.
Hopefully, your friends are mature enough to respect that it’s fine for you to just pass on something like this and it won’t be a big deal – if they make it into anything more than that, you may have an issue to address.” BanterPhobic
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, everyone has times where they just want the Veg out and be alone. There is nothing wrong with that, so long as they aren’t continuing to push you after your final no then I don’t think there is a jerk.” Top-Passion-1508
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Fiancé's Distant Relatives To Our Engagement Party?
“I (female 24) and my fiancé (male 26) have been engaged for just over a month. We have never really had any parties for birthdays, anniversaries, etc so when we got engaged we were excited to have a party to celebrate with our loved ones.
When deciding on guest lists we both wrote down who we wanted to invite.
My fiancé’s family looked at the list and started asking to invite family members that I had never met. For context, I have been with my fiancé for 7 years and have known them for 10, I have never met these certain family members and they have never been in any family gatherings/ social events that we have attended during our relationship, I don’t have them on any social media and quite frankly have never spoken to them.
My fiancé has also not seen these people in over 8 years.
I told my fiancé’s mother and stepdad that I don’t feel comfortable inviting/ paying for people that I have never met and have never made an effort with myself or my relationship and explained that I’m not even inviting people within my family due to capacity and not being very close but they have been around/involved in my relationship.
I got told I was being disrespectful and they were disgusted with me. His mother also then got very intoxicated and said I have stolen her son away from her and she doesn’t want to be alive because of me. His stepdad went on to say my family always comes first and that I don’t involve them in anything (despite just spending the whole Christmas period with them).
We have now not spoken since before the new year. I have had no apology or contact with them. For more context, they have been awful to me throughout the years calling me names, calling out family members, and discussing my weight/looks but I have continued to befriend them and look the other way due to my partner.
To add this is just his parents, not his wonderful family friends who we have always got along with and were over the moon with our engagement.
I now do not want to celebrate anything and just want to elope. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’d vote yes on eloping (as long as your fiancé is on board with it. My sister’s wedding was the same way. The church would hold 200 people. Our mom’s list of people to invite was 200+ people. She wanted to invite people who *she* had not seen for 20 years (she wanted to use her daughter’s wedding as a way to “catch up” with everyone).
The saying is that the wedding is the bride’s big day. You (AND the groom) need to put your foot down – it’s your way (only invitees you approve get invited) or no way (elope and share pictures later).” gevander2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but girl you have bigger problems with who to invite to your engagement party and wedding.
Your future mother-in-law said you stole her baby boy and she doesn’t want to be alive anymore! This woman is not normal! Plus the verbal mistreatment and negative talk about your looks and weight. Where is your man when all of the mistreatment is happening?
Has anyone spoken to her about her behavior? Has she been given consequences for her behavior? You have been with your fiancé a long time so maybe you are just conditioned to her mistreatment but again her behavior, her jealousy of her SON’S relationship is not normal. Ask yourself if you are willing to deal with this unstable woman until death do us part.
Think long and hard about having children with this woman as their grandmother. Okay, end the rant. To answer your question you are NTJ. Stop discussing your plans and treat her like any other non-paying guest. Send out invites and call it a day. Don’t share venue information and password-protect all vendors to prevent sabotage.
I wish you all the luck that you will need.” Banana_Puddin11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I regret letting my SO invite a friend of his mother’s. They showed up late, were dressed inappropriately, and left without saying goodbye to me. They skipped out on dinner and didn’t even give us a card.
>His mother also then got very intoxicated and said I have stolen her son away from her and she doesn’t want to be alive because of me. You’re smart to be aloof. I say elope with a little vacation! Save that money and use it for your honeymoon.” indicatprincess
14. AITJ For Refusing To Attend My Sister's Wedding Due To Past Trauma?
“My sister 34, (I’m 33) has not had any contact in 2.5 years. The last time I saw my sister she and I fought.
I do not live in the same community as her, so I did not pursue a restraining order, but if we lived in the same place I would have.
About 2 months ago I received the save the date for my sister’s wedding. My family wants me to reconcile with her.
I agreed to talk to a counselor with her, I found family counselors in my and her area that offer appointments, and I sent them to my parents and her partner to give to my sister so she could choose who we talked to. She refused to talk to a counselor with me and has insisted I just ‘forget’ what has happened between us.
I am not perfect when it comes to my relationship with my sister, growing up I said the wrong things and acted in the wrong way at times. In 2011 after years of suffering from depression, I tried to end my life. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks.
At that time I lived with my sister and her friend Tina. Tina and I never got along well but my sister and her did. When I was in the hospital my friend went to my place to pick up a few things for me, she overheard my sister and Tina having a conversation about how they wished my attempt to end my life was successful and how it would have been easier to not have me around.
When I was released from the hospital, Tina expressed this opinion to my face. I had a huge panic attack, and my parents who owned the place we lived kicked her out.
I found out on the weekend that Tina is a bridesmaid at the wedding.
I have told my whole family I will not be attending the wedding, as I feel I do not want to be in a room with someone who wishes I didn’t exist. I have people in my extended family still expressing I should go, as it is my sister getting married.
AITJ for refusing to attend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your inner peace is more important than your sister’s “I want you to let me stomp all over you (metaphorically) and let me get away with it because we’re family” nonsense. ETA Tina can suck the most rotten of eggs.
That’s a nope from me, and an even bigger reason to not go to the wedding imo.” zeeelfprince
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and an invitation is just that, an invitation. It is not a summons to attend. You can say no and considering your sister shares the same feelings as her buddy Tina, I wouldn’t want to be around someone who wished my attempt had been successful and would no doubt plan their wedding on the anniversary of my death to “create a happy memory”, more like trying to erase my memory.” Suspended_Accountant
13. AITJ For Defending My Choice To Dye My Hair Black Against My Family's Criticism?
“Anyone with tattoos, piercings, dyed hair, or even an “overly” used amount of makeup is seen as an uncomfortable and inappropriate appearance to my family, especially the male members. It is deemed as unholy and unnatural.
When I was 16, I finally got the chance to dye my hair black.
I thought back then if I had just kept it for long enough, they would surely get over it after a while.. I was wrong though. I would get multiple backhanded compliments, or snarky comments from multiple family members, most going as far as calling me things like a psych patient or disrespectfully asking dark personal questions.
I’d get picked on in school as well, which, once again is a conservative area.
After being bullied by my own family and peers for a few months, I just let my hair grow back out and used lifters to take the dye out.
I can say I haven’t felt good about my looks ever since I decided to go back. Now that I’m 18, I finally realized that I shouldn’t care what other people think of me and if anything, I can stand up for myself. So once again, I dyed my hair jet black.
I was sitting in the dining room with my father and older brother. There wasn’t even a mention of my appearance until my dad spoke, basically ruining the entire night.
“You know you look prettier with your regular hair, right? I don’t get why you think you need to go dark.
It doesn’t make you look any better.”
He went on this speech about how changing myself doesn’t make me better, and that I need to just stick with who I am. I guess he was trying to be inspirational, but it just came out insulting.
I kept my cool by simply responding…
“It’s my hair and I get to choose what I wanna look like, I don’t know where you got the idea of an ego lift from it.”
Something about my reply upset my brother, who snapped at me to be more respectful with my words.
I told him that I wasn’t being disrespectful just blunt, and that if they didn’t have anything nice to say about my appearance, they just shouldn’t say it at all. Both my father and brother immediately started raising their voices at me, calling me crude and self-centered. I need to just accept that not everyone’s going to like how I look and to take constructive criticism with a grain of salt.
I ended up blurting out these words exactly…:
“The both of you don’t even have hair on your heads. I don’t know why you think you get to have an opinion on mine, get over yourselves.”
The realization of what I said settled in, so I quickly left the dining room, shut my door, and waited for the both of them to leave to go to work.
I felt a little proud of myself, but mostly guilty as I knew I had just insulted them out of anger.
Since then, I’ve gotten nasty words from family members, especially from my father and brother, who are now completely aggressive with anything that they say to me if they don’t straight-up ignore me.
There’s no way I can be in the wrong if I was just standing up for myself, right?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re 18 and can do what you want with your appearance, and if changing your appearance makes you feel better then by all means do it!
As a side note your brother is completely irrelevant here. He isn’t even your parent, and he seems super sycophantic for some odd reason.” Pankyrain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think you should work on ignoring your dad and brother. It seems that they get a sense of power over you by telling you what you should do with your body.
When you respond, they still see you as a weaker person whom they need to control. Snatch this power and stop responding, AT ALL. Just pretend as if you didn’t hear what they said, just act as if they are invisible in that moment.
If it escalates then get up and leave that room. Apart from that just enjoy your life the way you want. That will truly upset them but also they won’t be able to do anything about it because you just refused to engage and took away their leverage, their power entirely.
Destroy their ego with a smile on your face. So that they know, they can’t hurt you with their words anymore.” VioletLily2
Next time, at least try to approach it with a more thought out explanation to try to earn a little credibility rather than incite a riot.
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On My Wife's Family Beach Vacation?
“I (32M) recently got married to my wife (29F); her family is pretty close and traditional (i.e., they do holidays and expect everyone to come into town for them, they do gift exchanges, etc.) and they go on family vacations.
My family is not very traditional and does not hold levels of high expectations during holidays (we’ll all get together if possible, but no one gives anyone a hard time if it is not convenient and we don’t do gift exchanges or anything).
My wife’s family goes on a summer trip to the beach every year (or most years) and they invite my wife’s sister and her BIL and their 2 kids and they invite us (they also invited both of us before we were married, so it’s not just because we are married).
Today, my wife asked if I would want to go to the beach vacation for the first week of August and I told her that I would prefer not to. Largely, due to the fact that this year we are planning to go on our honeymoon and so I did not want to take a full week of work off, particularly to do something that I am not interested in.
Outside of that I don’t really enjoy the beach or family vacations, I wouldn’t go to this if it was my own family doing it – let alone care if my wife did not want to go. Her family is nice and we all get along – but, that is usually hours at a time or at the most a weekend, not a full week.
This is more of just a question as my wife was not upset and understood, that neither of us put a lot of pressure on each other to spend time with each other’s family (especially outside of the holiday). We definitely spend more time overall with her family than mine, but again my family does not get together very often in general and we all live in different cities and states.
So I was wondering does it make me a jerk for not wanting to go and saying so. I don’t think it does, but part of being a jerk is that sometimes you don’t think you’re being one.”
Another User Comments:
“Welcome to married life.
No jerks here, as far as I’m concerned. Just make sure you are supportive of your wife if she goes. This will be a test of how the in-laws handle you not participating. I hope they handle it with grace, because you are deserving of it.
Your reasons are sound and I don’t blame you on the beach thing. It took 6 years of marriage but my wife now doesn’t go to the beach with her family. She hates the beach but would go just because “family”. The first year we were married I respectfully said “no”.
It caused issues outside her and me (her mom was furious) but she and I figured it out. Make that Honeymoon count!” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ. I too hate beaches and hate expending PTO on beaches. But I like family and I like seeing them happy and together.
I think you might be underestimating the importance of this to your wife. This is your first year married and it is a long-standing tradition with her family. You knew it was when you married her. Further, you mention this is the first time they’re having the vacation in about 4 years and you didn’t make the last time due to health concerns (valid).
So it’s not like you’ve gone for six years straight and are tired of it. She may not feel comfortable pressing you to go, as you’ve made your preference clear, but I think it’s worth another discussion and exploring a compromise, such as going for half the week.
These vacations and reunions will not happen forever. It may not be how your family celebrates together but it is how hers does, and you chose to be part of her family. You have a chance for an easy “win” with her family in the first year of marriage and you’re fumbling it.” thats_not_six
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, if you love your wife, you go with her. It means probably a lot for her to go to that vacation. She would be super happy if you go alongside with her. She and her family are now your family. It is not the end of the world, you can rest, perhaps find some places and surprise places for your wife, make her gifts, and show all your love, she will never forget that vacation and will understand how much you love her.” SupermarketOk9538
11. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister Use My New Laptop After She Allowed My Old One To Be Destroyed?
“2 weeks ago, my younger sister (16F) asked me (18F) to leave our house while my parents were away because she was having a gathering.
She promised me that her friends wouldn’t go in my room, but I still blocked my door with chairs on either side. It wasn’t foolproof but I figured it would be enough so people knew not to go inside.
However, when I returned home, I found that my room had been searched through.
Drawers opened, stuff thrown everywhere, etc. All my cash had been stolen (over £1,000) and my £800 laptop had been smashed. I was absolutely furious and contacted the police.
Things are being investigated but for now, my parents have made her pay the money out of her savings.
I got a new laptop almost straight away.
My sister didn’t know about the new laptop until a few days ago. Ever since, she has been begging me to let her use it because she is behind on her college work. I said no and my mum encouraged me to keep saying no until she apologised to me.
Well tonight, I was called for a meeting where my sister was sobbing. She apologised and begged me again to let her use my laptop. She says she is really stressed about it and can’t keep making excuses to her teacher. I suggested some times and places where she could do her work elsewhere, like going to class early or using the public library, but she made excuses as to why she couldn’t.
I said I would think about it but I seriously don’t want her anywhere near my new laptop.
Later, my mum spoke to me about it. She is defending my sister and saying I need to be a good sister and let her use it.
I disagree. She was a bad sister for letting people into my room, letting them steal my money and destroying my property. I don’t trust her anymore even though she didn’t directly break my old laptop.
I’m wondering if I am the jerk here. I understand the stresses of being behind in work but I seriously think she can go early or stay behind after class to do her work.
Am I being selfish?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Actions have consequences. She violated your trust. It’s not up to you to forgive her. She has to win that trust back. Why don’t your parents buy her a laptop on condition that she pay them back?
You mentioned savings, so she has money. She can pay them back over time. And instead of “making excuses” to her teacher, why not just be honest and say she doesn’t have a laptop she can use at home? There may be something the teacher can suggest. Some schools have laptops they loan out, schools have computer labs separate from the library, etc.” stroppo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I bet you anything that not only did Sister KNOW the friends were gonna go in there, I bet she told them to do it. And, she probably told them where the money was. I say that because partly of Reddit Skepticism, but also because she took so long to apologize.
And why wasn’t she on board with punishing whoever was guilty? If it were me, I would have made sure my friends knew what was cool and what wasn’t in my house. If one of my friends went out of their way to go in a room I told them not to, and then deliberately stole things and broke things…..
that’s not my friend anymore. That’s a criminal.” otsukaren_613
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you have a problem with your sister. She feels entitled to have a gathering, ask you to leave and let all your stuff being stolen. Are you sure she’s not the one that did so?
However technically you were the responsible adult in the house as she was a minor so should have called the police or your parents. Why didn’t you? Now, I suspect that because your sister bought your new laptop out of her funds, she feels entitled to it.
She doesn’t see it as a replacement, or a punishment, because investigations are still happening. So bring that up with your mother. Just because she contributed to replacing it, your sister must not be encouraged to believe that theft and replacement means she gets to use the new item.
Yes, it is a hassle but it was a hassle you needed it replaced and that was by her actions.” Timely_Egg_6827
10. AITJ For Calling Out My Friend For Her Reaction To My Illegible Instructions?
“I (29M) am an Orthopedic surgery resident. I have been friends with Kate (33F) since middle school. And with Kate’s wife (Valentina – 36F) ever since they started seeing each other 10 years ago. Valentina is a neurologist and an attending. So as you can guess she has a huge ego and a tough attitude.
I am training in the same hospital that Valentina works in, which is quite well known. I was checking up on a patient we had operated on who was now in the neurology ward for a stroke. Since the patient had a hard time understanding, I gave him handwritten instructions.
The next day, I got a call from the ward, saying I am expected to go there as soon as I can because Dr. Valentina asked for me. I go there to find a fuming Valentina who hands me that sheet of paper and asks me to read it.
I read it aloud for her.
She said there are 8 people here including interns and med students and herself and no one was able to read that except for the one who wrote it. So she asked for the paper. I gave it to her.
She threw it in the trash and said ‘it belongs there if no one can read it’. And told me to write it down nicely this time and hand it to her patient.
I did it and I can’t really say anything because after all, she is an attending and quite well known in her job.
However, when I was over in their house later, I told Valentina this attitude was wrong and she could have done it more gracefully.
She called me an inconsiderate jerk for writing that instruction that way and said ‘no amount of words could express how angry she was’.
She said the patient had lost sight in one of her eyes due to the stroke. And the other could barely see. Valentina goes on about how she, as a neurologist couldn’t read my note, let alone this poor patient.
Kate later said she would usually defend me but she knew her wife’s work ethic and integrity and wouldn’t question her on these things.
I am wondering, was I wrong for calling her out?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You deserved the scolding. You endangered the patient through sheer laziness. You clearly didn’t bother with making sure the patient understood your instructions and nobody else caring for the patient could decipher them.
Your ego is the only problem here and it’s not more important than the patient (or the exposure the hospital could face, but that’s an issue for risk management).” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Either you got all the way to being a resident with no clue that patient instructions need to be clear, concise and understandable at their level of knowledge and ability (legibility included), you didn’t bother to take that into consideration, or you just don’t care.
I wouldn’t want you to be my doctor and she was absolutely right for her response. People die because of lazy and negligent healthcare providers.” Impossible-Cap-7150
9. AITJ For Asking My Artist Friend If Their Character Was Based On Me?
“One of my(22M) best friends(20NB) for eight years is an artist and has a large collection of unique characters they have created. About two or so years ago, they showed me a new character of theirs (or at least new to me at that time), and since then this has been one of their favorite and most-drawn characters.
Also since then, there has been a small but mostly ignorable thought in the back of my mind that this character appears strikingly similar to me. I mean same body type, same facial features, same clothing styles, same hair, even same glasses. At one point I even remember comparing an image of them on my phone side-by-side with my face in a mirror, thinking ‘no way, right?’ Now, I knew this character was obviously not meant to be me, or even represent me in any way (or at least I really hope not since he is portrayed as a villainous megalomaniac).
However, sometimes when I see drawings including them I still think ‘hey, this guy kind of looks like me.’
So I asked them. I admit: it was almost as abrupt as that last sentence, and I can understand that not-ideal timing contributed to me being a jerk, but the question was in my head at that moment, and I was unsure of the next time we would talk.
They nonchalantly explain the character is not influenced by me. I say okay, we laugh a little, and we move on.
About ten minutes later they text me saying they are very upset and that I ruined both characters for them. Among other more vulgar names, I was called self-absorbed, completely selfish, and told they can never look at their characters the same way again.
I tried to explain I never meant to cause any offense or insult, I just thought I saw some similarities, and I do not deserve intentional attempts to make me feel horrible when I never had any such intention myself whatsoever. They replied by saying they do not want to talk to me, then blocked me.
I feel like if I was truly selfish I would have simply assumed this character was influenced by me and never think anything more of it. I’m not a narcissist, I’m not offended or anything like that just because I’m not the influence. I would like to think that, by asking them, I am showing interest in what they are creating and where they find inspiration—I’ve asked hundreds of questions over the years about their art and not one of those questions had anything to do with me.
Especially considering I was not an influence, why should the implication of that even matter? I’m very confused as to why this question was so hurtful. I suspected asking it would be awkward (which it wasn’t even), but never to cause damage. I do not want to be an inconsiderate person and I don’t try to be, and I really need to know if I am before I lose anyone else.”
Another User Comments:
“Your artist friend is way too sensitive. You asked a simple question. Hey is that based on me and they couldn’t say no and move on. they had to Wait some time and then text you back saying they were upset and you ruined the character for them.
That’s the biggest load of crap ever and then they call you self-absorbed. Why? Because you thought what they drew looked a little like you. If they got that upset then what you said was possibly true and they were upset that you figured it out.
They don’t want to talk to you again. That’s their crap. On the positive side you won’t have to worry about it looking like you again because they’ll never draw that character again and you can go on your way NTJ.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. After eight years of friendship, it’s crazy that you weren’t able to ask them a simple question about their art out of curiosity. I can’t imagine thinking someone was self-absorbed for thinking a character I drew looked exactly like them. Clearly, your friend has some issues they need to sort out.” tallerthanurbf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ So, I’m a writer. I once had another writer ask if I was inspired to write my story after seeing/reading theirs. (The subject matter and genre are the same.) I said no, I only found out about theirs after mine was published, but I understand why they might think otherwise, and we parted as friendly acquaintances.
It’s not a big deal. Even if my story had been influenced/inspired by theirs, it wouldn’t be a big deal. There is no *one* source of inspiration, even for things like fanfiction. Honestly, I suspect your artist friend might originally have based the design on you, but it evolved into something else.
They may or may not have drawn this character in… *interesting* poses, and is afraid you saw those “special” drawings. Aaand are incredibly embarrassed/freaking out at the thought.” Mad_Sadie
8. AITJ For Insisting On Being The Green Piece In A Game Against My Autistic Stepbrother?
“So, I (13f), my stepbrother (13m), stepmother (35f), my stepmother’s friend (f) and my dad (37m) were going to play a game.
I said I wanted to use the green piece (you know these little things you use to move forward in the game?). Then the rest chose their color but when it came to my stepbrother he said he wanted to be green. He hadn’t heard me when I said I wanted to be green since he was in the kitchen so I (politely) told him I had already taken the green one.
He then said “no, because I am going to be green.” I, once again, told him I had already chosen the green one and he hit me with the “I took out the game so I had already chosen”. I usually wouldn’t fight more but since my parents are always babying my stepbrother because he has autism (which I have full respect for since my half-brother has autism, they just use it as an excuse for EVERYTHING) I decided I wasn’t going to back down since I had already clearly said I was going to be green and he can’t ALWAYS get exactly what he want.
So I stood my ground and said “no, I’m green”. He then said he wasn’t going to play and my response was just a simple “okay.” He then ran off to his room and cried. My stepmother then scolded me and was like “couldn’t you just let him be green since he wanted it so bad?” So am I the jerk or not?
And I know that this probably sound ridiculous and like a “kid problem” but I always back down and let him have what he want since I know that it’s usually not worth anything to fight him because our parents will take his side anyways.
I just want to know if I overreacted and should have just let him be the green one.
PS. If you guys are wondering since I mentioned his autism, no he isn’t always the green one. He switches it up and if it would have been about that I would have let him have the green one.
DS”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You were polite and set a simple boundary. These are important things to learn for anyone, and his being autistic doesn’t mean he gets everything he wants all of the time. Some parents think it does, when really that’s failing their kids.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — I grew up with an autistic brother and I had to sacrifice a lot of my space for him. The parents often want to baby the autistic child. He needs to learn eventually that he doesn’t get everything he wants.
Unfortunately, you might have to be his teacher in some ways. As long as you don’t treat him like a jerk over it, enforcing your boundaries is more than reasonable. Your parents are more the issue here. I will tell you that my relationship with my brother is so much better as adults.
Also, it’s not childish. The problem isn’t the green piece in the game, it’s the demanding behavior. You’re gonna have people try to cross your boundaries for the rest of your life, so learning to assert yourself now is a good thing.” xylek64
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here, he’s rights and you’re right. Parents handled it poorly. My parents made it simple, you don’t pick pieces without everyone there. In case of conflict you play best of 3 rock paper scissors. But you “calling” it while he’s not there doesn’t make it any more valid than him “calling” it when he got the game.
Alternatively, you each draw a card from a deck and highest card picks first. Alternatively, you roll a die and highest roll picks first. So many better ways to handle it and everyone chose to be salty.” lions2lambs
7. AITJ For Not Allowing My Friend's Dog In My Apartment Due To My OCD?
“I (M 25) moved into a new apartment recently and told my friend Sally (F 24) about it. She suggested coming to see me and I know she would bring her dog. But here is the problem: I got this unbelievable hygiene habit for many years and am incredibly meticulous when it comes to the cleanliness of my apartment.
I’m not disgusted by any of my friends, who are usually the only visitors. However, all these people are touching surfaces outside that are unsanitary, and I don’t want that germs in my apartment.
Whenever I have a visitor, I have to clean all the door handles, the toilet and other surfaces that the visitor may have touched. I have special blankets and cloths for chairs, sofas and tables, which I place over the relevant items before a visit and wash them immediately afterwards.
If I have gone to the toilet outside and then used my own toilet, I have to disinfect it too.
The first thing I do when I get home is to disinfect my hands and forearms before I wash my hands again after changing clothes.
No one is allowed in my bedroom and if I used my smartphone before bed, I must thoroughly clean or disinfect my hands before touching my bed linen. Even my former partner was only allowed into my bedroom if she had disinfected her hands and so on (it’s probably obvious why we’re separated now).
It takes an incredible amount of energy to keep friendships alive and I’m often afraid of getting on people’s nerves. That’s why I don’t want to upset Sally. However, due to my obsessive-compulsive disorder, I can’t let her come to visit me with her dog, because animals are always full of germs, especially if they have touched things on the street and then lick and sniff other things.
I don’t hate dogs or any animal in particular, but I don’t want them in my apartment. Unfortunately, I’m not sure Sally understands how bad it is for me to come into contact with germs, especially since my apartment is the only place I have control over.
So would I be the jerk for telling her, she can only visit me without her dog?”
Another User Comments:
“You need therapy if you haven’t sought it already. I don’t say that to be derogatory but because you sound in a loop that sounds exhausting and it would absolutely help.
NTJ as long as you let her know you don’t allow pets for your own health – which is true. I do think you should be considerate if it’s a service dog or if she decides to decline the invitation. I have pets and it’s why I don’t visit back home a lot.
But I wouldn’t trade my pet’s companionship for occasional awkward visits anyway.” YourMysticVixen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because it’s your house, it’s up to you whether you want to allow animals there. Requesting people not to bring an animal into your house is reasonable. I hope you’re able to get professional help in managing your feelings about germs. It sounds like your current routines are exhausting and draining, so I hope you can get the improved quality of life you deserve by seeking out help.” CreepyOctopus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ how we get help for the OCD ASAP. When it comes to your residence people have to abide by your rules. No animals is a simple rule I even have and I don’t have OCD. It’s an apartment not a place for a dog.
Politely say sure but no pets at my apartment please respect my residence.” blackwillow-99
6. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Cut Me Some Slack During My Health Scare?
“I 22F am having a bit of a health scare. I don’t want to go into extreme detail, but a few months ago my OBGYN found some abnormal cells during a Pap smear.
She told me she wanted to see me in a few months as she didn’t believe it was a huge cause for concern, but these past few days I have been exhibiting some concerning symptoms, not to mention cervical cancer runs in the family. I am feeling extremely afraid and I have been falling into a rough mental state over it.
Today my partner (22M), saw that I was texting an unfamiliar number and questioned me about it. I responded a little hastily and showed him my phone so he could see that it was just a friend of mine. His feelings were hurt as he wanted me to have a more sweet and gentle reaction.
After this interaction he became quiet and things got kind of awkward. I asked him 3 times if something was wrong and he kept telling me that things were fine. He finally decided to let me know that the way I responded hurt his feelings, I tried to apologize but things stood the same.
Some time had passed and he was still sitting there with this very awkward and tense energy. It upset me as I really needed his support today, and I tried to let him know that I didn’t mean to ever snap at him. Am I the jerk for thinking that maybe he should have understood that I am under a lot of stress and I just really need his support right now?
I understood why his feelings were hurt and I did think it was valid, but he couldn’t have cut me a little bit of slack? He constantly goes through his own issues and takes it out on me. I didn’t want him to just forget that he was upset or ignore it, I would have loved to revisit the topic once I was in the proper headspace to comfort him.
I just think that sometimes empathizing means not taking things personally.
Am I the jerk for thinking that he should have just cut me some slack?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s wild that he probed about an unfamiliar number and when you responded, he wanted you to respond in a more “sweet and gentle” way to the question that was none of his business.
Eeesh. And I think it’s very telling that you apologized and it didn’t shift anything for him. Even if this was such a distressing event for him, he should know how you’re feeling and cut you some slack, even if that meant trying to process his own emotions then tossing them on the back burner until you’re able to talk about it with him.” LowAdvisor9274
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Imo if you get your feelings hurt from a “here’s what I was doing” when you were crawling up my butt about a strange number, that’s on you and he should be waaayyy more concerned about apologizing than tone policing. He didn’t need comfort at all imo.
Sorry was baby worried I was talking to somebody because…? I did what to deserve that? I’ll take whatever calls I please. He’s intentionally making HIS original bad behaviour about how you could have reacted better. Forget offering you support, this man is mad about… you not coddling pathological behaviour?” horticulturallatin
Another User Comments:
“OMG NTJ. Neither my partner nor I are going through a terrifying health scare, and we still snap or are a little bit short with one another if we are tired, distracted, or stressed from work. Sure, we might get a little butt hurt but the moment passes and the one who snaps is always quick to apologize.
You move on. I am a very sensitive person but I have learned that it is literally nothing personal. I have learned to not take every little thing so personally and so to heart. It’s much more peaceful when you are secure in your partner’s feelings and love for you.” Dependent_Lion4812
5. AITJ For Asking To Split The Rebate With The Seller For My Home's Heat Pump?
“I closed on a home in September. It was a relatively smooth process and we had an amicable relationship with the seller. They’d answer occasional questions, and in one instance sent their HVAC guy to look at a potential issue we had.
It ended up being a minor user error, and we tipped the guy for his time.
Yesterday, the seller (who stripped it down to the studs and remodeled practically all of it before selling it to us) reached out to me. Where I live, when you install a heat pump, you are potentially eligible for a rebate (that I’ll mention can be quite significant – sometimes 10k+).
Apparently, the seller’s HVAC guy forgot to file for the rebate and now, nearly 4 months later, they are asking for/permission to use my name and my account number with the power company (who does the rebate) to file the rebate and then asked me to sign over the resulting check to them.
Obviously, being the homeowner the check would come to me should the rebate go through.
It felt wrong to sign over a check potentially that large for my heat pump that I’ve owned for almost 4 months now, you know? Since we had been friendly and had an easy sale/etc, I sent a text that suggested we split the rebate 50/50 and long story short, they were quite mad.
Paraphrasing: “Taken aback, disappointed, etc because they had been generous with their help and time. They’ll talk about it to see if they want to move forward or just walk away. Then said I may believe they made a lot of money on this project but said city codes, town requirements, and the fact that they never cut corners makes it extremely expensive, the rebate is a good portion of the profit we would make”
In this message, they informed me that I guess since I do not have the invoice for purchasing the heat pump or other manufacturer info, I cannot file the rebate. Oops, didn’t know that.
But still, I own it now, it’s mine. I’m sorry you forgot to file for your rebate, and if your profit margin was as razor-thin as you suggest, I feel like you would have been more on top of it than 4 months after you sold it to me.
I guess I see it as, considering the fact I don’t have to help them at all, it was a nice compromise to split the rebate.
Anyway, sorry for the novel. I can see both sides I guess, and not sure if I was out of line because I really was not expecting the explosive response I got.
So, AITJ for asking to split the rebate?”
Another User Comments:
“You are very much the jerk. Rebates are an incentive to the buyer of that equipment. You didn’t buy that equipment. Sure, you bought the house but that’s splitting hairs. It’s unethical and entitled. If you keep digging your heels in, I hope they just don’t bother and you continue to get nothing.
YTJ.” MyAskRedditAcct
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Their reaction was a bit over the top. A simple “that’s not really how that works, it’s for the person who paid for the equipment” probably would have sufficed. But yeah – that money isn’t yours if you didn’t foot the bill for the heat pump.” ArtemisGirl242020
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but legally you don’t have to give them the rebate amount back. One of the selling features for this home is the heat pump. It’s the way a lot of cities are going (I also have one). The rebate was always meant for the seller and they clearly dropped the ball.
They have been cooperative and wonderful to deal with. I view your home purchase as enticing due to the heat pump, so without it, you would have had to install it yourself and pay all the money and get your rebate to cover a chunk.
The seller did this and simply wants their rebate back. Do the right thing and give it back.” archetyping101
4. AITJ For Considering Skipping My Partner's Sister's Expensive Destination Wedding?
“I (21F) and my partner (21M) have been in a relationship for years now.
His sister recently got engaged and will be getting married this year. Sister and her fiancé are planning a destination wedding to Mexico, leaving many family members unable to attend. This was a bit of a big step back for many of us, who will be paying several thousand dollars to attend this wedding now.
I am a college student and so is my partner. However, my partner has a better support system (financially) from his family than I do and thankfully has a great-paying job. I, however, am not able to save any money as I attend school 30 hours a week and work part-time while completely financially independent.
My partner and I have a vacation fund that we add to whenever we can (tax season, birthday money, etc). Mine has been at a standstill for a little bit because of financial strain.
Ever since this engagement, we have been unfortunately expected to pay for attending this wedding with our vacation fund.
I was very upset about this because we once were planning our first trip years ago and had to instead use it for emergency financial reasons, and now we finally have enough to do something and we have to use it for this wedding. This would cost about $3,000.
Personally, I don’t feel safe as a young woman going to Mexico, and I know I will be putting myself in a difficult financial situation trying to go. My Hispanic dad has expressed a lot of concern about me going to Mexico given his experiences.
I will graduate only 4 months before the wedding, not giving me any time to make money to save for it.
I mentioned to my partner this dilemma and he doesn’t know how to feel. He understands and agrees with my anxiety about Mexico but doesn’t seem as bothered about using our vacation money on this wedding.
(He would not be touching my savings, just his own- but then he would have no more vacation money to do anything with me anyway). Am I the jerk for considering skipping this wedding? I’m worried his family will be very upset with me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a risk any couple accepts when having a destination wedding. Keep your part of the fund for something else. He can survive a wedding without you.” The_Bad_Agent
Another User Comments:
“NTJ “but then he would have no more vacation money to do anything with me anyway” ..
tell him no problem, you will vacation with friends.” Excellent-Count4009
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, destination weddings are like that. If you wanna have one you have to understand everyone won’t be able to make it. I’m not spending 1000s of dollars and my vacation time on someone else’s wedding” [deleted]
3. AITJ For Defending My Sister's Choice Not to Share Her Candy?
“I (14m) am close with my dad’s side. His family is an aunt, an uncle and 3 cousins (15, 8, 4). My dad has me and my sister Lucia (7f).
Aunt and uncle spend Christmas with their in-laws so we spend New Year at grandma’s. This year is the same. After brunch we kinda split into adult room and kid room where the adults drink and talk grownups stuff. My oldest cousin Toni (15m) and I pretty much were babysitters but we are ok with it.
So we were hanging out and Toni got a call so he stepped out. Now the three younger kids got big boxes of candies for new year but my aunt took my youngest cousin’s candies away.
Cousin Angelo (8m) opened his box and shared his candies with the other two.
My sister Lucia took a piece. A little while later Angelo asked Lucia to open her own box of candy and share with him. Lucia said no. She said she wanted to open the box back at home. Angelo threw a fit and called Lucia selfish.
Lucia was upset and said he was really mean and Angelo said it wasn’t fair that he shared his candy with her but her refused to do the same. Lucia again said no and Angelo called her greedy.
I separated them and told Angelo he couldn’t force Lucia to open her candy box cuz he shared by his own will nobody forced him.
Angelo was stomping his feet and said I played favorite when Toni returned. Toni said there was no need to fight and his friend just dropped by with freshly baked cookies and who want a piece? So the kids went to get cookies and then there was a family photo and other things to do.
Toni said to me later in private that I was kind of a jerk for not being fair. I was like, nobody made Angelo share his candy and just because he chose to share he can’t demand the same from others. Toni said I was training Lucia to be selfish.
This was just too stupid to ask my parents so I didn’t but the more I thought about it more I wonder AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! He was kind, but you shouldn’t expect anything in return for being kind. So while sharing is good, no one is obligated to.
Regardless of if someone shared with them.” Hi_Its_Anonymous13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is unfair for Angelo to expect Lucia to share her candy just because he shared his. Sharing should be a personal choice, and nobody should be forced or guilt-tripped into sharing.
You were simply advocating for Lucia’s right to make her own choices about her candy. I think it is important to remember that they are children and are still learning and developing their social skills. It is best not to assign blame or label anyone as the jerk, as both Lucia and Angelo have different perspectives and are still growing in their understanding of sharing and personal boundaries.” Marigold1245
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here- yeah, you’re right in that no one should be forced to share. However, I think Toni is also right that you are teaching your sister to be selfish. The kindest way would have been to ask your sister if seeing as how Angelo was nice enough to share his, could she agree to set aside a piece from her candy to make things fair?
I think it would’ve been a good compromise…” InterabangSmoose
2. AITJ For Wanting To Retrieve A Commissioned Portrait From A Deceased Artist's Family?
“6 years ago, my wife and I (both 45) had our first daughter. She came after a lot of struggles with infertility and emotional trauma from our families. Having done all the work to ensure we would love our child the way we want to, and then going through all the fertility, we finally were blessed with a perfect little girl.
My wife had a co-worker (Kay, fake name) that was a bit of the carefree type throughout her life and met some very interesting and creative people. This woman gave us a gift where an artist she knows did a portrait of my wife and daughter in pencils.
It is simply the best portrait that I have seen of someone I know. I think it is museum-quality, but I might be biased because of the subjects.
We welcomed our 2nd daughter in 2022, and because of our age, and the trauma my wife went through to get her, we are done.
My wife wanted another portrait done, this time of me and our youngest so she contacted the artist, and he started work on it. In June, we found out that he had passed. I have talked to Kay, and she told me that the portrait was probably 95% done when he passed, but it was the last piece of art that he had been working on and the family does not want to part with it.
I get it, I would probably want to keep something that my loved one worked on if I could, but I really want to have the portrait.
So my question is, would I be the jerk in pursuing getting the portrait? We were planning on giving them to our girls when they got their own homes as adults, and I only think its fair that both girls get something so amazing.
One of the emotional traumas that we had to work through was clear favoritism by parents to siblings, and I do not want there to be any sense of that from our girls. To be clear, we are not wealthy by any means, and we only did this because the first one was a gift, and it was so beautiful.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I say this because even though it is a sensitive situation, the family is in the wrong for keeping what is supposed to belong to you. Death is a very emotional time and it is understandable that they would want to keep the work he has worked on.
I have 2 problems with this situation. 1 is that Kay told you the family wanted to keep they themselves did not, so you don’t know for sure that the family feels this way. They may but they might not also. 2 these are pictures of your family, it would be different if they were pictures of just anything but these are pictures of your wife and your child they should be giving them to you for that reason alone.
So many comments have said you should let the family keep it because of sentimental reasons but I don’t agree. Its like someone putting pictures of your children on social media without your permission. They have no connection to you or your family but want to keep a picture of your family for sentimental reasons it just doesn’t work.
If you do let them keep it because you are being nice you need to make them sign an agreement if they ever decide to get rid of it that you are to receive it, and that they are not allowed to display it publicly ever without your permission.
This is not a random picture that this artist saw and decided to draw it was commissioned by you and whether you paid yet or not does not make a difference. How would you feel if one day you see the picture on display or that they sold the picture to someone for profit.” gravegirl48
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can understand their attachment and not wanting to be insensitive to their grief, but this was a commissioned piece that he was doing for someone else and I think the right thing to do would be to give it to you, especially because it’s a portrait of you and your child and not just a landscape or something less personal. I think the best move would be to write a letter to the family asking for it.
Explain what this portrait means to you and how much you loved his work and how you planned on passing them down to your children when they grew up. Tell them that you understand how it would be difficult for them to part with it, and assure them that you respect his work and that it would be forever cherished and appreciated. Be sincere and try not to sound pushy.
Maybe include a picture of your family and of the previous portrait so they can see how they go together. Maybe seeing how much you appreciate his art will allow them to part with it and feel good about the fact that his legacy and memory are living on in the world rather than feeling like you took something away from them.
If they really don’t want to give it up, I would just let it go and find another artist who can redo the portrait in a style that complements the original. If you try to go to court over this it will probably get messy and even if you get it you might not be able to look at it without remembering all the stress and uncomfortableness.” CumulativeHazard
Another User Comments:
“You probably would be the jerk. But not heavily at all. If you paid for it beforehand, I’d request the money back and find someone else to make the same portrait. Even maybe ask the family for a picture of it so someone else can straight up copy it!
I’m sure your second daughter will not feel a sense of favoritism for the first just because of a painting. And if she does, and you haven’t gotten her a separate portrait by then for whatever I’m sure understandable reason, explain it to her.
It’s so nice that you love your daughter so much, though. And you aren’t really the jerk for wanting the portrait.” BubblesandKnives
1. AITJ For Wearing A Co-Worker's Hoodie Home Because I Was Cold?
“I’ve been with a guy (call him Jim) for about a year now and we have been living together the last 3 months and everything was going great but now he’s totally upset with me.
It had been kinda warm earlier this week so I went to work in just my normal clothes (T-shirt & jeans) but like a dummy didn’t think to check the weather. Well it got closer to time to leave and the temperature outside dropped pretty bad.
I commented to a coworker (call him Russ) that it was freezing, and he asked where my coat was, I said I didn’t think to bring one. He told me to wear his hoodie to keep warm and I can just bring it back to him the next day once I got my coat.
I gave mild protest not wanting to inconvenience him, but he insisted so I put it on and went home.
I didn’t really think anything of it until I got home and my partner, Jim, saw it on me and asked “Where did you get that?” So I told him a guy at work let me borrow it.
He got really mad and started asking me about who this guy is, why he’s giving me his clothes, why I thought it was okay to wear them and it just kinda shocked me. He wasn’t calling me names or anything but he was very upset about it.
I told him Russ is just a coworker, nothing more (absolutely true, even if I was single Russ wouldn’t be on my radar). Jim told me that it’s not cool for girls to be wearing guy’s clothes they aren’t in a relationship with, and that it’s seen as an intimate act to wear their clothes.
I just didn’t want to be cold and I told him repeatedly that it had no further meaning, but he just kinda blew me off and stopped talking.
It’s been about a week now and Jim is still acting a little cold and distant towards me, there’s been no more outbursts or any accusations but it’s making me feel like I did something horrible, even though I didn’t think it was a big deal. I did return Russ’ hoodie the next day like I said I would.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who spent over a quarter of a century stuck in a northern Alberta, Canada town I can appreciate being cold. It sucks. So a kindly coworker gave you a hooded sweatshirt to wear home because you were cold.
Whoopty frickin doo. That’s just someone being a decent human being. What Jim is reading into that is just plain stupid. He should be glad Russ gave you that hoodie because it probably saved Jim a ride out on a cold night to give you a lift home.
Wearing your partner’s t-shirt as a nightgown is intimate. Wearing a coworker’s sweater to not freeze on the way home is common sense. Jim needs to check his.” AllandarosSunsong
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You know it’s so weird to read things like this sometimes.
If your partner was a different person he could just as easily said “Yep it was cold today, it was really lucky that Russell had a hoodie to lend you”. But he is not that kind of person, he would prefer that you be cold than have a social exchange with another guy.
I’m always wary of people that prefer others feel unnecessary discomfort to make them feel better. It’s a nasty habit and it really has no natural ceiling – that kind of mindset can just grow until it eats up everyone else’s wants and needs.” Something-bothersome
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is being ridiculous. However, this is probably the fourth (or maybe more) post I’ve read that mentions guys’ hoodies as some sort of mark of almost “ownership” or something. It’s as if it’s the new-fangled version of getting pinned. That is, I’ve seen several social media comments where wearing a guy’s hoodie is almost like some weird announcement that you’re going steady or something.
You may want to check if that’s what he’s thinking and then disavow him of that idiotic thought process. It’s just a sweatshirt dude.” User
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You will never be ready, trust me. It is not about YOU. You don't have to accept any one as a new father. He will never replace your father, no one can. As long as he treats you and, brother well, is not abusive and makes your mother happy then for your mother's sake give him a chance.