People Ask "Am I The Jerk?" In These Thought-Provoking Stories

Being a decent human being doesn't require a PhD in rocket science. It's actually pretty simple. It's about being aware of our actions, considering how they might affect others, and making a conscious effort to do better. However, some people just don't know how not to be a jerk to others, no matter how simple it may be. They go around being rude to people they encounter as if they don't care about their reputation. Well, the people in these stories aren't them. In fact, they are asking if we think they had been jerks at some point. Read their stories below and let us know what you think. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

22. AITJ For "Ruining" My Bridezilla Sister's Wedding Reception?


“I (26F) have two sisters, ‘Shirley’ who is 28, and ‘Mary’ who is 21. Shirley’s getting married, and her naturally bossy and controlling nature has caused a few dramas in all the months of planning.

In the beginning, Shirley had six bridesmaids (me, Mary, three friends, and her SIL).

Friend 1 walked away because Shirley wanted us to contribute 300$ each for the bachelorette. And a few weeks later, her SIL walked away because Shirley wanted the two blondes of the group (her and Mary) to go brunette so that we could all match.

All of this stress has caused Shirley to act even more controlling and snappy, especially to our little sister, a very passive person who has always sought her approval. Mary changed her hair color, lost three kilos, agreed to look after the guest’s children during part of the reception, and got a week off work to help her prepare everything, all because Shirley wanted her to.

Finally, the big day came yesterday and Shirley was yelling at everyone during hair and makeup. At some point, she caught Mary eating and made a rude comment about that being the reason why she still looks fat in the dress (I must add that Shirley got her a dress two sizes smaller than everyone else’s), I bit my tongue and tried to understand that she was just under a lot of stress and not to ruin her one special day.

I took Mary and went to do our makeup in another room until our sister calmed down, which caused some drama but Shirley got over it quickly.

The biggest drama happened during the reception. Mary thought she was supposed to watch the children during the speeches, cutting the cake, and first dances to make sure no child ruined the footage of those moments.

But before any of that could happen, I found Shirley yelling in Mary’s face in the back of the venue. Apparently, there was some essential footage Shirley wanted to get at the beginning of the ceremony, and it was now ruined because Mary was somewhere else.

I intervened, Shirley started yelling at me, and I yelled back. She said we were ruining her wedding, and I told her that we would do better at her next one. Eventually, Mary (who had had a few drinks) threw up from the stress.

Needless to say, Shirley got even angrier. I could take the yelling, but when she grabbed Mary’s arm, I reached my breaking point and finally walked out, taking Mary with me.

We missed about 70% of the reception, leaving Shirley without a maid of honor’s speech and without babysitting.

Word got around, and some people told me that everyone was talking about it and speculating about what happened. Mary didn’t want to leave, and she is feeling really bad that Shirley is not talking to us yet. Now, I am wondering if I should have just sucked it up for a few more hours instead of ruining her special day.

We are all really close, and I don’t know if it was worth damaging our relationship for a bit of an attitude. But I couldn’t stand to see Mary treated so poorly by someone she looks up to so much.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, I’d have done worse, to be honest. Please urge Mary to consider trying therapy though. And to not give up if she does give it a shot and the first therapist doesn’t work out, it can take a few tries until you find someone you click with.

She definitely needs some help to work on her lack of self-esteem and inability to stand up for herself. (This isn’t me blaming Mary btw, but sometimes we just need help to be our best selves and to learn how to communicate and set boundaries.) I also hope you can both go no contact with Shirley eventually, she sounds like a terror you’d be better off without.

Being stressed about a wedding is really no excuse to treat people so poorly.” ArielxLazarus

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It seems your sister didn’t learn from the first couple of friends walking out of her event. She should’ve realized she can’t just treat people badly and expect them to still not only want to stick around but fork out funds for her and her events.

Either she didn’t learn that at all, or she just thought she could still treat you and Mary badly because you are family. So she might have just thought she could treat you guys badly but you’ll put up with it because you’re family and she can hold you hostage.

Which based on your mention of Mary being passive seems REALLY likely.

Your sister essentially gave you guys the choice of being treated like dog crap, or choose not to. She put you in a situation where it was ‘shut up and be mistreated’ constantly or stand up against abusive treatment and then be blamed and massively guilt tripped for ‘ruining her sPeCiAl dayyyyy’.

Your sister is 1000% the jerk and you and Mary reacted the way any reasonable person would and should. I honestly hope you hold your bridezilla sister accountable and expect an apology for yourself but ESPECIALLY FOR MARY. Your jerk sister owes Mary the world’s biggest apology.

And if I was Mary I might not forgive your sister for her treatment and all that crap about Mary’s weight. Your sister used her wedding as an excuse to show Mary how she really feels about her. And how she really feels about Mary is beyond messed up.” KuhLealKhaos

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Don’t understand why you put up with so much from someone who treats you so badly. Shirley’s actions never seem to come from a place of love and respect, but rather from a place of dominance and aggression.

You and Mary are showing typical abuser/abusee patterns in your actions. Both of you should start therapy to learn how to deal with an abuser and how to be an advocate for yourselves. You have a great start but sounds like you feel guilty for stopping the mistreatment.

You and Mary deserve better.” No_Pepper_3676

4 points - Liked by lebe, pamlovesbooks918, IDontKnow and 1 more

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Kilzer53 1 year ago
Girl! I'd have decked her. Why in the world do people allow these witches with capital B's to get away with this abusive, outrageous crap? "Well, she's stressed. It's her day. She isn't usually this bad.....etc" BS! NO! There is NO excuse. Period. I've been married three times - ain't no reason to use stress as an excuse. If she's that stressed just to say i do - she don't need to. Until she apologizes, i wouldn't even care to be around her.
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21. AITJ For Telling My Friend What She Wanted To Wear To My Birthday Dinner Was Ugly?


“I am (17f) having a dinner for my 18th birthday.

There will be a photographer there so I wanted everyone to be presentable. So I had all my friends send me pictures of what they plan on wearing. One of my friends sent me pictures of an ugly dress that she picked out and a pair of heels that literately didn’t match.

I didn’t tell her that I thought it was ugly right away, I just told her that she should have a couple more options just in case she changes her mind. That was still what she wanted to wear.

Then I was honest and told her the dress was ugly, and I didn’t want her wearing that to my dinner.

She said she liked it and she was wearing it anyways so I needed to get over it.

So I told her if she didn’t pick out a different outfit she was uninvited from my dinner. Now she’s mad at me, she says I am not the one wearing it so I shouldn’t care and I shouldn’t be trying to control what people wear.

I get where she’s coming from but to be fair it’s my birthday dinner, and I want everyone to look nice and presentable. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


It’s your birthday, so you get to choose what you do, where you go, and who you invite.

You are not entitled to tell people what they can and can’t wear.

If you actually cared about your friend, like most decent humans do, you’d prioritize having your friend beside you to celebrate your birthday. But no, you’re more concerned about how people look.

That’s pretty disgusting and is 100% controlling behavior.” OK_LK

Another User Comments:

“YTJ…why are you so controlling? If your friend picked a dress that she likes and feels beautiful and comfortable in then who are you to tell her she can’t wear it because you think it’s ugly?

If I were her I’d find a friend who wasn’t so vapid and controlling. Nice and presentable is a perception. Just like you perceive her dress as ugly when it very well might not be. Grow up… more important things in life than trying to police your friend’s wardrobe so that your birthday pics can be so perfect.” PravinI123

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. This is not your wedding where she showed up in a white ball gown. This is a birthday dinner. If your friend felt good about what she was wearing, then you are not the person to tear her down about it.

I am sure BOTH of you looked beautiful. I get it, you’re young. You have a lot of learning to do about being a woman, but the first rule you should learn about womanhood is to choose kindness to others, even when you feel otherwise.” PHXLV

4 points - Liked by lebe, Chull, IDontKnow and 1 more

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CG1 1 year ago
I can see how you ate going to be if you ever get Married , A COMPLETE BRIDEZILLA ... you Are Awful
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20. AITJ For Convincing My Sister To Tell Her Husband He Won't Be Walking His Stepkids Down The Aisle?


“My sister Kerrie has three children who are high school and college-aged. My nephew is 21, my older niece is 19, and my younger niece is 17. Kerrie’s first husband is the father of all three kids. He died when the youngest was 4.

She remarried 2.5 years after her first husband passed. Her second husband is Kevin. Kevin has no children of his own and has told me and a few other family members before that he was left sterile as a child and was so glad to marry someone with kids so he could experience parenthood.

From very early on in the marriage Kevin has seen himself growing closer with my nephew and nieces and getting close enough to walk them down the aisle alongside my sister one day. He has built himself up to have that experience and Kerrie has sort of encouraged that thinking in him.

She has told him once my nephew and nieces are older they might start slipping Dad into the conversation and that he will be the father of the groom and brides one day. This has elevated his expectations super high.

He has been very loving and supportive of the kids and has dedicated himself to being a good parent and over time has let go of the step and he just considers himself their dad now, with help from my sister.

The problem is the kids do not feel that way about him. All three have said that to my sister and me, and the girls said they would want their brother walking them down the aisle in the future, not their stepdad.

My nephew said one day if he gets married and his paternal grandmother is still alive, he’d love to walk with her because she has been a very vital part of his life.

Kerrie is very much aware of this and still lets her husband carry on believing he will be asked. I can see how much it means to him and how much joy the idea brings him.

He even mentioned how he has practiced what to do and saved some money for the kids to gift for their weddings since he feels like a father should do that stuff.

I told Kerrie not too long ago that she needs to tell her husband the truth or everything will implode one day.

I told her she has allowed him to build up these expectations and she knows he’s not going to get them met. The man loves my nephew and nieces and doesn’t quite see that the close connection is very much one-sided (and the three kids have confirmed this to me on a few occasions).

My sister told me it is none of my business and I shouldn’t insert myself where I don’t belong.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but you will be if you don’t tell Kevin.

He deserves to be able to find the family he wants with people who will reciprocate those feelings, and he is the only one who will get hurt here – the kids, despite knowing him and liking him for this long, still don’t feel as if he’s their father figure, and his entire desire in life is to fulfill that role, and it sounds like he’s done a great job at trying to.

The kids aren’t the ones at stake here, and he deserves to be able to re-examine his relationship with them honestly, as hard as it will be on the dynamic between everyone else.

He only gets one life, and your sister is content in letting him waste it on people she knows don’t feel the same.

If you remain silent, you’re just as complicit as she is in her lying. Not to mention the children are clearly already starting to be uncomfortable with these expectations. Those feelings will only fester if this is left unresolved, and they just may be expressed later anyway with a much harsher delivery.” baroquebinch

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You need to raise this topic with Kevin. Or at the very least talk to your niblings about this. There are a few ways this end and most of them are very bad and will end with Kevin being extremely hurt and his relationship with his family very strained. The longer you all leave it, the worse the fallout will be.” Big_Albatross_3050

Another User Comments:


This is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. BIL needs to know.

She’s lying to her husband about her children. Her relationship with her children and husband will be ruined beyond repair if this blows up.

They’ll get mad at the husband, get mad at their Mom for causing it, the husband will have to face the betrayal of his wife lying for up to thirteen years, etc.

I think you should talk to the 21-year-old before you talk to your BIL about it.

BIL will be shattered if high emotions cause the kids to just say that they outright hate him.

The stepkids might just not see BIL as a father. He could be a positive figure like an uncle. Having the details on their true feelings would give meaning when you talk to BIL.” mimi7600

3 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow and leja2

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Ree1778 1 year ago
Why do the kids feel that way? I mean I can see how maybe the nephew might, he was 8 when they married, he would still have memories of his Dad. The girls though, they've known no other Father other than your BIL.
He's done the late night glasses of water and nightmare runs. He's been there when they're sick, he's taken them and picked them up from school. He's done the Parent teacher conferences, the pickups from practices, school events and sleepovers. He's more than likely helped pay for absolutely everything they've done or had they're entire lives. But, they want their brother to walk them down the aisle? Why have they never accepted him?
There's got to be a reason, they've never known anyone else so it's not like they compare him to Dad and he doesn't measure up.
Someone has been feeding this to them. That's the real villain here, that's who the jerk is. You don't let them forget their Bio Dad, but whoever it was poisoned their relationship with their Stepdad, who is all they've ever known. Whoever it was took away their chance to have a Dad in their lives and that's truly sad.
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19. AITJ For Not Lending My Car Again To My Partner?


“I had an extremely busy weekend, more work than is healthy for a person and my partner wanted to borrow my car to go to the doctor. He is not an experienced driver and I get extremely worried about him borrowing it so I let him under the condition he only goes to the doctor and straight home.

This would allow time for us to go as a group to do errands between my work meetings.

More or less he comes back an hour and a half later than he’s supposed to be with a bunch of bags from all of his personal errands taken care of.

He says they were right near the doctor and he ‘tried to call me’ but since the call didn’t go through he just decided to do it anyway.

My night got super messed up now with meetings and work getting in the way of me buying dinner and picking up my pet’s food, and my roommate who was counting on me for a time-sensitive matter is really upset.

I’ve been slightly on edge and stressed due to having to figure out food and work and meetings all at the same time when it could have easily been prevented if he used my car how he promised. He’s yelling at me very angrily from his room off and on because I told him I don’t want him taking my car anymore.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He said he’d only use the car to go there and back, then ‘tried’ to call you about how JK he was going to spend another 90+ minutes with your car doing what he wanted – but that call didn’t go through so you found out at the end of his shenanigans rather than the beginning.

He’s proven he can’t be trusted to keep his word. No more car borrowing for him. In short, he messed around and found out.” toxicredox

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You trusted your partner to undertake his errands with the conditions set, and he broke that by failing to comply with them.

He is very much a jerk on this for a) breaking said conditions, b) yelling at you because he can’t be trusted, and c) causing added stress and issues for you at a later point. I’d even question their position as your partner if they’re not going to be civil and understanding on such issues, too.” Accomplished_Earth34

Another User Comments:


You were clear about how you wanted him to use the car, and he did his own thing anyway. If he tried to call and the call didn’t go through, that was his cue to do only what had been agreed, not something else entirely.

You’re not the jerk. He is. And he gets extra jerk points for not owning his jerkness and making you second guess yourself.” embopbopbopdoowop

3 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow, leja2 and 1 more

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IDontKnow 1 year ago
NTJ. But not for the reasons you said. He didn't have your car back to you when he was supposed to. You were doing him a favor and trusted him with your car and he broke that trust. Therefore he lost the privilege of using your car.
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18. AITJ For Telling A Kid Not To Touch An Expensive Pair Of Sunglasses?


“I (24F) work in a high-end mall and the store I work at sells different name brands such as Chanel, Gucci, etc. A family came in 2 women, 1 man, 1 kid (8 years?), and a baby. They came when the store was half an hour away from closing.

They were the only customers and my coworker was helping them. While they were looking around, I started closing procedures.

I was cleaning the floor and saw their daughter almost stretch a pair of Cartier sunglasses ($1400) and as I was coming by, I took the glasses from her hands and told her, ‘Oh let’s try to be careful with these!

Try not to touch it cause it’s Cartier, ok?’ (We have had incidents in the past, children would stretch glasses making them unsellable). She said nothing and ran off to her parents. I put the glasses back on display, thought nothing of it, and continued cleaning.

20 minutes later, I was closing one of the registers when the family comes to check out. Suddenly I hear, ‘If you have a problem with my kid, you talk to me, not to them’. I looked up because I was confused as to what he was talking about.

‘I’m sorry?’ He repeats himself, getting angrier. I guess I was still looking confused cause one of the women (I assume her mom) reinforced what he had said: ‘You don’t talk to my kid if you have a problem.

You talk to the parents! Don’t talk to my kid!’ It clicked that this was the parents of the kid.

I started apologizing ‘Oh I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to disrespect you’. As the mom is chewing me out, the dad walks over to the display, grabs the glasses, slams them on the counter, and says that they’re getting this too.

They assumed I told their daughter not to touch it because they wouldn’t be able to afford it. The mom starts talking in Spanish to my coworker while their entire family is giving me stink eye. I am just standing there, fuming inside because I still believe that I didn’t do anything wrong.

I finished counting the register and walked away while they kept talking about me in Spanish. As they left, I apologized again, ‘I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to disrespect you guys’, and I saw them smirk.

When we locked up the doors, the situation began to sink in, and I started ranting.

I could understand if I had yelled at their child or quickly grabbed the glasses away from her, but I did none of those things. If they had confronted me right after the situation happened, I would be more understanding.

I asked my coworker if what I did was wrong and she agreed with me, adding that she was extremely surprised to see how the family reacted as well (in my store, I’m known as the ‘nice’ salesperson).

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


This idea of only communicating with the children works just fine if you control your children while they are in a store. If you are going to let them roam around and touch expensive things you should expect those entrusted with the merchandise of the store to protect that merchandise.

That is literally their job.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and congrats on making an unexpected $1400 sale. I guess the family had so much to prove about their worthiness and ability to afford an expensive set of sunglasses. It was their choice to spend the money and not yours.

That said, you handled a child that was on their way to destroying merchandise. Perhaps you might have spoken to the parents if they were around and the kid wasn’t wandering your store left to their own devices… But I’m sure they glossed over that point and had to admonish you to make themselves feel better.

Anyway, this is one of those scenarios that I wouldn’t bother to correct or feel bad about. The family is insistent on what they believe and it is a monumental uphill battle for you that requires a tremendous amount of butt-kissing and apologies to make them feel better.

There is nothing to apologize for on your part.

You did nothing wrong. Forget this happened, they can give their speech to feel better about their supposed ill-treatment in your store, and then it’s over. NTJ.” BeeYehWoo

Another User Comments:


Sure if someone’s kid is being rowdy or whatever you can bring it to the parents’ attention to handle rather than attempt to correct them yourself…

But in the case of the kid actively messing with something VERY pricey and somewhat fragile that you are charged with keeping safe 1000%, you take it away.

In my experience, an overwhelming majority of people that jump to ‘don’t talk to/scold/whatever my kid’ aren’t ever going to keep their kids in check anyway.

I understand it’s high-end shopping and customer service is important but I wish you didn’t apologize, to be honest.” RookLax

2 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow and leja2

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CG1 1 year ago
I'm going to get jerk for this but I don't care ... if they want to talk jerk about you then they can have the Balls to say it in English , or whatever is your Native Language..
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17. AITJ For Offering To Move Out So My Parents Can Have A Guest Room?


“My parents are having people from their home country come for a visit. They told me that for the four weeks that the guests are here, I was to vacate my room and sleep in the basement on an inflatable mattress.

I (F26) have only been living with them because they insist. I have a job and have been working and saving money since I was 16. I didn’t need their help to pay for college and I pay them rent for my room as well as buying groceries and helping out around the house.

I told them that if they wanted a guest room then I could move out. There are several condo developments in my area that have units ready for immediate possession and I have almost enough to buy one outright. I have no debt thanks to living at home for the last four years.

They say that I am being ungrateful and argumentative. I just don’t think it’s very fair to kick me out of a room I pay for for nearly a month. They didn’t even offer me the choice not to pay for the month I don’t have my room.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Move out already! You don’t want to have never lived on your own! I know different cultures have different guidelines for living with your parents but would you be happy with staying with them til you move in with your future husband/wife/partner?

I think you should live on your own while you’re in your 20s. It’s a lovely way to really learn who you are and how you want to live day to day! Especially since you can afford it! Go live on your own & meet this condo-owning version of you!


Another User Comments:

“NTJ, ‘people from their home country come for a visit. They have told me that for the four weeks that the guests are here, I was to vacate my room and sleep in the basement on an inflatable mattress.’

Nope nope, you pay rent the guests don’t therefore they can be in the basement on the inflatable. They are not getting the room you pay for every month, if they don’t like it those guests can go to a hotel then.

‘They say that I am being ungrateful and argumentative. I just don’t think it’s very fair to kick me out of a room I pay for for nearly a month. They didn’t even offer me the choice not to pay for the month I don’t have my room.’

The only ones that are argumentative and ungrateful are these two jerks, you are paying them rent on time they don’t get a say in what they do with your room unless they are running it through you and get your ok.

Since they didn’t they are doing nothing with your room, you are a tenant at this point, and if they want the room that bad you should not pay for the room you don’t have, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

Seriously until you move out and before those guests get there go buy a camera especially one where you can talk through it, in case they still try to bring them into your room anyway when you’re not home. Tell them and their guests they are not welcome in the room you pay for.” Apprehensive-Fox3187

Another User Comments:

“YTJ to yourself! They insist that you stay home for rental income, groceries, and chores/errands, and no arguments!

Please, if you got yourself through college, you are an incredible person who deserves respect and honor.

Move out now, guests coming over or not.

You would have to serve them, entertain them, and clean up after them, hand and foot. Your parents will want to show off. And what if they are bringing you a husband??

Move! And move far enough away so that they can’t drop in on you, and DO NOT give them a key or they will move in with you, or install a relative in with you.” DuEmmySecret_3180

2 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow and leja2

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Ninastid 1 year ago
Oh Lord get out of that house as fast as possible they just want to be able to control you you have rights since you pay for the room I would refuse to move out of the room
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16. AITJ For Cutting Contact With My Mom?


“So, my parents are in the middle of a divorce right now. My mom has some kind of undiagnosed anxiety or ocd or something and refuses to do anything about it.

I am 16 and I am still not allowed to be home alone, she had a tracker on my phone, and I wasn’t allowed to go to friends’ houses unless she really knew the parents, no parties, no sleepovers, no jobs, and no driving.

She also has to approve my friends and can’t stand my best friend (15) because her mom is ‘irresponsible’ (the legal age to drive a golf cart here is 14 so she lets my best friend drive a golf cart when she wants to go anywhere within a couple of miles as long as she doesn’t go on any busy roads or freeways, she also works nights and leaves my friend home alone 4ish nights a week).

They’re divorcing because my mom went to visit her family for a week and during that week I got to hang out with my friends, my dad took me to get my learners permit (he put me in driver’s ed behind her back) and started teaching me how to drive, and I slept over at my friend’s house when her mom was working.

I obviously chose to live with my dad. They separated for 8 months when I was 10 and she didn’t let me see him so that’s also part of the reason.

My mom has shown up at our house at least twice a week demanding that I go with her and calling me all the time.

I don’t want to see her or talk to her because she’s so difficult and I know if I do talk to her all she’s gonna do is talk trash about my friends, call my dad irresponsible for letting me see them, and talk about how dangerous driving and going out is and I just don’t want to deal with that.

I am starting to feel bad tho so I wanted to know if I was the jerk for not seeing or talking to her.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s sensible to choose to live with your calmer and more stable parent.

Ask your dad to help you figure out how to stay in communication with your mom without it becoming an issue. That might mean you have to limit time with her and reinforce boundaries repeatedly until the divorce is finalized and you’re all safely in the new world.

Maybe you could agree on a regular weekly time to meet her for a meal somewhere.” Now_Villager

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but please consider therapy, both you and your mother. Your mother puts too much pressure and ‘weight’ (don’t know how else to say it) on you, and you may not realize it yet but this fact has a high chance of creating problems inside of you in the long run.

She has to understand that you’ll be 18 in 2 years, she’ll have to let you live your life, and the more she tries to control you the more she pushes you away (as shown already by you not wanting to see her already).

And you need to understand that you’re not the reason why your parents are divorcing! It’s their choice and they’re doing it because of their own actions and decisions.

Also, all those strict rules your mother had you follow might result in you opposing them in the future just because so therapy could also help with that.” AlternativeConcept93

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your mom seems to have an undiagnosed mental problem until she handles that you should not be around her, if she becomes unhinged she might do something in order to ‘protect’ you and that would be worse, maybe her side of the family can get through to her.

I am sure the version of events she has told them is pretty different than reality. I mean asking for divorce over allowing a sleepover for a 16-year-old, there is something wrong there.” Dresden_Mouse

2 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow and leja2

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Woogiesmom721 1 year ago
People in prison have more freedom then you.
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15. AITJ For Taking A Shower Every Day?


“My (f27) long-distance partner (m31), John, came for a visit recently. He’s been staying with me. It’s the first time he’s at my house. It’s been eye-opening, to say the least.

Anyway, I am someone who showers daily.

I have oily skin and scalp and not showering is not an option (and no, showering less often will not suddenly make my naturally oily skin less oily. It only works with those with normal skin and scalp). Anyway, he showers every 3 days which I find absolutely gross but I haven’t said anything.

On the other hand, John has been very vocal saying that showering daily is a waste of time and money and bad for the environment. He’s been trying to convince me to shower every other day. I’ve tried to explain to him that based on my experience, showering less is not an option for me, especially since I also bike to work every day.

He’s still not budging, he told me I could do a bird bath and leave the big shower for every other day.

I still refused. He called me a jerk for not even considering his opinion and is now sulking in my garden.

I do feel bad but I know my body and myself. I tried to explain again but he told me I am unreasonable and a jerk for not even trying and not caring about the environment and not making an effort.

He’s taking it really seriously and I wonder if I may be a jerk. He’s only here for a short while. Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:


He doesn’t get to decide how often you shower.

If showering every day is necessary for you, then that’s that.

Sure, showering daily technically costs more money and uses up more water, but he’s extremely immature and you’ve already explained to him why you shower every day.

Calling you a jerk and sulking in your garden because you don’t want to do a birdbath is controlling and weird. If something as simple as your showering habits is such a big problem for him, this seems like it could be an unhealthy relationship.” AverageKinophile

Another User Comments:


First off, this is your body, so you know best how it should be taken care of. Second, this is your house, so you are able to dictate what goes (he doesn’t). He can have his opinions on showers, and shower as he wants, but if you are uncomfortable with showering every other day, why feel bad?

Since you’ve already tried to explain why (which you didn’t have to), I’d just tell him that this is your health, your hygiene, and ask him how he’d feel if you made such demands (shower every day). Let him sulk, and don’t feel bad about being clean and comfortable.” Vanillieee

Another User Comments:


And this visit & relationship is done.

This man came into your home. YOUR HOME. Where you, as an adult woman, have successfully managed to survive, paying your own bills, washing, feeding yourself, etc without his help for years.

He has now entered your home as a guest and has very vocally & aggressively attempted to take full control of your personal hygiene. Not make suggestions, but to state you are an idiot & not responsible enough to care for yourself.

He is smarter than you and you need to adhere to his personal hygiene demands of your body or he will continue to punish you until you submit to his complete control of your personal hygiene.” KindlyCelebration223

2 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow and leja2

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Ninastid 1 year ago
Ntj but this is definitely not gonna work as a relationship get rid of the scumbag
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14. AITJ For Paying For Only One Of My Nieces' Education?


“My brother has been married to his wife for about 10 years. He has a 14-year-old daughter and she has a 15-year-old daughter.

My niece is extremely smart and her teachers believe that she will have a very good future so in order to help her, my sister and I have been saving money for her college.

Now that my niece is going to go to high school we were talking about which school she should go to. My brother mentioned that there is an extremely good but also very expensive school that he wished he could send his daughters but unfortunately, he can’t afford it so our niece will have to go to the same high school as our step-niece.

After discussing this for a while we let him know that we have set a college fund for our niece and that based on our calculations we can afford to use some of that money to send our niece to that school.

SIL asked if we can do the same thing for her daughter and we told her that we can’t because the rest of the money was for our niece’s college.

She thinks we are both jerks for showing favoritism.”

Another User Comments:

“I don’t think this rises to the level of being a jerk, but I think it might be a misguided favor that’s causing more problems within their family than it’s helping.

Your brother has two kids in his immediate family that he’d like to send to a private school, but can’t afford to send both, so he’s keeping them in the same school so there is not a disparity between the girls.

You’re swooping in and offering to create that disparity anyway.

I’d let sleeping dogs lie on this one, and stick to your promise of saving a college fund for your niece. Unless there’s some egregious circumstance you’ve skipped over here, I don’t think that propping up your niece’s future at the expense of her step-sister’s feelings is the best course of action for their family.

I would change this to YTJ if you’ve given your niece any hint of saying ‘We want to send you to this super nice school, but your father/stepmother won’t let us.’

It’s great that you want to support your niece, but if your brother isn’t asking for the private school money outright, I think insisting on giving it to him is meddling in their family affairs more than you should.

No jerks here.” Molenium

Another User Comments:


It’s already very generous of you and your sister to provide for your niece.

Your SIL and her family should look at what they can provide for the 15yo. You are not responsible nor obliged in any way to provide for her.

It may be useful however to have a talk with your niece and make sure she doesn’t feel guilty in any way for this decision (not saying anyone will guilt-trip her, just that sometimes good, sensitive people feel guilty for the good that comes to their life).” Cold_Light_299792458

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here

Keep your money, give your niece the money, donate it, whatever but stop trying to control this situation & these young women. Seems like you are not fond of your brother’s entire family… I am sure it’s also obvious to his family.

But it’s your money so do whatever you want with it.

If your niece were that smart the ‘expensive’ (assuming you mean private) school can make it very affordable for her to attend. They really like recruiting super smart kids.

Someone should call admissions. Also, for your information — kids from public schools attend Ivy League & top-tier colleges. Your niece will not suffer from attending the same high school as her ‘ordinary’ step-sister. Save your money for college.” Alarming_Reply_6286

Another User Comments:

“You are not the jerk here.

College funds are intended for the specific beneficiary they are designated for. Using those funds for another child would be irresponsible.

Your brother and his wife made their choices regarding their finances and their daughter’s schooling.

While the better school may be appealing, they cannot expect others to subsidize their decisions.

Favoritism did not come into play here. You are investing in your niece’s future education and opportunities based on the resources and planning you have done.

Your step-niece is not your responsibility. While it may be unpleasant, you were being honest that the funds cannot be diverted. Practicality and fiduciary duty come before hurt feelings.

The harsh truth is sometimes unpleasant but no less truthful. You do not owe them an explanation beyond the facts.

The college fund is for your niece as intended. Period.” Liam_MigToe

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow

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Arj 1 year ago
Ntj, it's your niece, so you will want the best, it's upto your sil and her family to help her daughter. The way I look at it is, if sil family had the money to send her daughter to private school, would she ask for them to find, the money for her step-daughter. I doubt it, if your brother doesn't take you up on your offer, keep saving for her college fund and don't bother with the sil,
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13. AITJ For Not Being Upfront About My Language Skills?


“I (17F) go to an international school in Brazil. As a result, Portuguese for non-native speakers is a mandatory class and Spanish is optional. I take both Spanish and Portuguese as I love languages and want to learn as many as I can.

The fact that they’re so close also helps a lot. Anyways, since I’ve lived in Brazil for 5 years now, I’ve become somewhat fluent in Portuguese (C1 level) and am at an intermediate level in Spanish (B1-2).

I am the only non-Latina in my class.

My school is pretty small and we’re only ten people in my class we’re six girls and four guys. Now I am a girl’s girl, I just click with women more as friends. The issue is that the girls in my class are very exclusionary in who is allowed into their group.

They only ever speak to each other in Spanish and it’s basically impossible to be their friend if you don’t speak Spanish. Like they will actively ignore you if you speak to them in English or give each other the ‘we’re definitely going to talk about this later’ look if you dare speak to them without being a Spanish speaker or Latina/o.

Because of this, I only have one friend in my class, ‘Mana’ a Brazilian.


A lot of people just think I only know the basics of Spanish when I can accurately understand most conversations.

A few days ago, while I was sitting in the common room, the girls from my class started gossiping in Spanish.

I ignored them and went on with my work when one of their friends, ‘Sofia’ walked out of the room. Immediately they started talking badly about her and calling her annoying and all types of bad names.

I thought about it for a day and then decided to tell Sofia.

She confronted her friends who then admitted to it and they had this very big, public argument. A few hours after the argument, when we all went home, I got an angry message from Sofia calling me a ‘manipulative jerk’ for lying about how well I speak Spanish to eavesdrop on them and that it was my fault she didn’t have friends anymore.

I never lied about my Spanish level, they just didn’t believe me when I told them I could speak fairly well because I never spoke Spanish around them.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She’s mad at her friends and taking it out on you.

What you did with the information you gave her was her choice. She could have ignored it, proceeded with caution with this group of girls, or blown up her friendship which she chose to do. Here’s a lesson learned for everyone in International School, you never know who knows your language, and when you’re talking trash about people publicly (and frankly privately), that can get back to the person.” northshore21

Another User Comments:

“From what you’ve described, it sounds like these girls were being really exclusive and rude about their Spanish. If they’re going to exclude people from their conversations just because they don’t speak Spanish, they shouldn’t be surprised when someone overhears them speaking badly about everyone else.

You did the right thing by telling Sofia about their gossip and her lashing out at you for it just proves how rude she and her friends were being. You’re definitely NTJ in this situation, and if they want to blame you for their own bad behavior, then they’re just being childish.” Professorplumsgun

Another User Comments:


Like you said you didn’t lie, the other people just chose not to believe you when you told them how well you could speak it. That’s on them.

Sofia should be thanking you profusely for showing her that the group of people she thought were her friends were not her friends in the slightest. You didn’t cost her any friends, you can’t lose what you never had.

This isn’t even eavesdropping. They had a conversation right in front of you. I could understand if you said you didn’t know Spanish but you never said anything like that.” SeattlePassedTheBall

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow

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Ree1778 1 year ago
Why would you tell Sophia what you overheard? Why was it any of your business?
YTJ for inserting yourself and causing big drama when it had nothing to do with you. You knew it would cause trouble and hurt someone and you did it anyway.
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12. AITJ For Being Frustrated That My Mom Wasn't Prepared For Our Trip?


“My (24F) parents (57M and 55F) and I are going on a weekend trip.

Originally we were to leave at 7 am but due to the restaurant my dad wanted to stop at not being open until 12 we decided to leave a little later but no later than 8.

My mother was not packed or even out of her room by 8.

We did end up leaving around 8:30 (actually good timing for them).

An hour into our 4-hour drive my mom remembered she forgot something and we had to turn around. I got upset because it put us over two hours behind schedule.

I didn’t say or do anything but she was mad that I was obviously unhappy with how this was going. Then she looks at me and my dad and complains that we aren’t having fun due to her forgetfulness.

Something like this happens every time we try to do something. When I was younger I would need to lie and tell her an earlier time for events in the hope that she would show up on time.

Also, this trip is to see a place that I have never been before but they have.

I have been looking forward to this because I finally got a job that allows me to have weekends off so I was able to go. It just sucks that my weekend was off to such a bad start.

So AITJ for getting upset?”

Another User Comments:


We all have people in our lives who are like this. It’s incredibly frustrating that they cannot organize themselves properly or be on time.

Like them, your mum is just being rude and not thinking of other people.

Sounds like she is a bit of a narcissist if she is complaining about other people’s unhappiness about her forgetfulness but doesn’t acknowledge it’s her fault. Unfortunately, your dad is just enabling it so she won’t change because she doesn’t have to suffer any consequences for her insensitivity.

If I were you I would talk to your dad about it and team up to see what can be done to either alter her behavior or accommodate the way she is. If your dad won’t help or doesn’t see it as a problem then you probably won’t be able to do anything about it because he will keep enabling her.” sjw_7

Another User Comments:

“So you know your mother is a train wreck. You’re an adult. Why are you still holidaying with your parents if you know this is how it’s going to go? Getting upset at someone for being exactly who they are and who you know them to be seems like such a waste of energy.

You’re an adult. If you want to see this place, you have the full capacity to go, without drags holding you back.

No jerks here.” PansyPeople

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Just go alone from now on. If they complain about not ‘sharing experiences’ with you, you need to tell your dad you will try ONE more time – if he cannot get mom’s butt out of the house on time you will leave without her, or leave them both.

Your time is valuable too. And mom forgetting something ‘important’ – wasn’t that important if she could forget it.” MySaltySatisfaction

2 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow and leja2

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CletusSnow 1 year ago
NTJ, but... if you know this is going to happen, offer to help her pack everything and have it in the car (or in the entryway) the night before. Clothes. Meds. Phone charger. A jacket. Whatever item it was that she forgot this time. Make a list and check it all off. It's sort of a pain, but it would make less chaos and discontent for you all.
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11. AITJ For Losing My Trust With My Friend Who Secretly Went Out With My Ex?


“My childhood best friend of 10 years apparently went out with my ex (26M) for two months after he and I broke up 2 years ago. I used to tell her a lot of details about my relationship with him during our relationship and after my relationship with him ended. They only went out for less than 2 months.

I only just found out from a different source (now 2 years later).

I feel betrayed that she didn’t tell me especially since she knows I wouldn’t have minded but I would have needed to know.

She doesn’t think she owes me anything.

She thinks it’s part of her right to be private about her love life.

She feels no guilt and no remorse. She says she didn’t know that girl code or bro code was a thing, and if she had known, she would have told me.

She thinks I am being harsh with her about something she didn’t know she needed to do.

She also feels hurt that I said I don’t trust her and don’t feel safe around her. She thinks I am disregarding her years of therapy and what she’s been working on herself.

AITJ for telling her I don’t trust her?”

Another User Comments:


Going out with your ex should have been something she told you, especially since she felt comfortable enough telling your source she was doing it.

She wanted to keep her love life private from you specifically, knowing he was your ex, and now sounds like she is trying to guilt trip you.

Girlcode and simple trust are two different things. Imagine if you had found out at their wedding.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She’s fibbing. She knew you deserved a heads-up that she was going out with a dude you JUST broke up with.

She knows that. I am 96% sure her therapist even told her that. Unless she never ever tells you about anyone she goes out with, she knew that and she kept it from you because she knew you would feel it was weird.

Even if you would have been ‘okay’ with it… that’s still weird.

She’s also 100% not guilty about it because (I think, I could be wrong) she just had a physical attraction to him. Like, she knew she was attracted to him when you were with him, but she didn’t act on it til after you broke up.

So she doesn’t feel guilty because she knew it wasn’t going to last and was just scratching an itch, so to speak. She didn’t see any future with him, she just wanted to jump him and then move on.

She’s wrong, she knows it, but… she probably hid it to protect you.

And she was careful, she didn’t get pregnant and she didn’t help him two-time you. I guess it depends on your views on casual relationships. IF she can admit she should have talked to you about it and can sincerely apologize for a longstanding lie of omission, in my opinion, this can be fixed with time.

If she is refusing to come clean… well. Might need a time out.” otsukaren_613

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – there’s a nuanced difference between keeping something private and keeping something secret.

For example, she’s totally fine to keep the exact details of intimate activities to herself.

But not telling you she went out with your ex? That’s keeping a secret, and it was likely done because she knew it was wrong.

I don’t think the bro/girl code applies in every situation, but this was definitely a time when she should have been honest with you about sleeping with him.

She’s doubling down now because she is ashamed of her actions.

You do not need friends like these, duckling. The world is a very big place filled with cool and kind people – leave this faux-friend behind.” Emotional_Koala_

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow

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clwi 1 year ago
She's not your friend
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10. AITJ For Not Being Able To Afford To Pay For My Sister's College?


“I (36M) come from a large family, and my parents have always emphasized the importance of education.

When it was time for me to go to college, they paid for everything, including tuition, room and board, and books. I am grateful for the opportunity they gave me and have worked hard to succeed in my career.

However, my younger sister (25F) has not been as responsible with her college education.

She changed her major multiple times, skipped classes, and failed some courses. My parents have paid for her education thus far, but they recently told me that they can no longer afford to cover her tuition.

They asked me if I could help out and pay for her education for the next few years until she graduates.

I understand the importance of education, but I also know that my sister has not been responsible with her opportunities. I also have my own financial goals and responsibilities, including saving for a down payment on a house.

I told my parents that I could not afford to pay for my sister’s tuition and that she needed to figure out a way to pay for it herself.

My sister was furious when she found out and accused me of being selfish and uncaring.

Am I the jerk for refusing to pay for my sister’s college education?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If education was that important to her, she’d make more of an effort to attend classes.

She’d definitely continue skipping classes… on your dime.

At this point, your own future is more important. IF you did decide to help her with her education, one suggestion is that she has to come up with the funds first to pay for one year of courses ie.

student loans. If she passes, then she can get those amounts reimbursed. When it’s her own funds on the line, attendance and grades might improve.” Snackinpenguin

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I might help a sibling who’d had a crisis or health issue or legitimate reason why they needed more time/money to finish school.

Your description sounds more like she didn’t take it seriously, was casual about her academic plans, and didn’t consider the consequences. I do wish your parents had warned her that endless changes would use up the available money, but she isn’t a little kid anymore so in reality, she shouldn’t have needed that to know that this wasn’t an endless all-you-can-eat buffet.” SnooPets8873

Another User Comments:


You’re in the right to protest paying for more classes for her to skip and majors to change.

She is your sibling, not your dependent, and as such, you have no fiscal responsibility to her.

She is her own person, a grown-up adult, and if she can’t afford to fund it herself (and can’t get a job paying enough) then that’s tough luck for her, sure, but also it’s not your place to be forced and/or guilted into paying.” JaneDoe_83

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow

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BarbOne 5 months ago
NTJ Unless your parents spent more on your education than hers. If so, figure out what you can afford and offer that with the condition that she work hard and if she goofs off, she is completely on her own.
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9. AITJ For Not Helping My Friend Get Another Job?


“Three years ago, I (30M) was a software engineer at a tech company in the Bay Area. One of my friends at the time (27M) was looking for a job in tech and asked me to help him get a job at my company.

I was more than happy to oblige. When a position opened up, I referred him. I also met with my boss several times to convince him to give him a shot and spent several hours doing practice interviews with him so that he would be well-prepared.

He finally got the interview and he passed it with flying colors. The day after he got the offer, we went to grab drinks to celebrate. He told me he had already accepted and was going to start after a month.

Unbeknownst to me, he was also interviewing at another company at the time.

A week later, I had a meeting with my boss and he told me my friend wasn’t joining anymore. I was surprised and asked him to explain.

My boss told me my friend said in an email to HR that he decided to accept an offer at another firm. My boss didn’t say anything outright critical about my friend but he did say he was disappointed at the renege especially because he only decided to interview my friend after I tried so hard to convince him in the first place.

When I got home from work, I called him up to get to the bottom of things. This is how the conversation went:

Me: My manager told me that you weren’t joining our company anymore. What happened?

Him: Oh I got another offer that was paying me 10k more so I decided to join them.

Me (in an angry tone): And you decided not to tell me?

Him: I didn’t think it would be a big deal. Why can’t you be happy for me?

Me: I am not angry because you decided to take the higher offer.

I am angry with you because you reneged and I had to find out from my boss. You had two weeks to decide (all our offers have a two-week deadline) so you still had plenty of time if you were waiting for the other company’s offer.

Instead, you accepted and backtracked and made me look like a moron.

Him: I am sorry man. I didn’t mean for you to look bad.

Me: Yeah well I did. Don’t bother asking me for job-hunting help again.

It’s now 3 years later and many of you know about how chaotic tech has been.

I ended up joining a new firm last year just before everything went south. In the meantime, my friend got laid off from his job. He called me up and asked for help. I scoffed and asked him if he was serious.

When he said he was, I firmly told him that while I sympathize with him for losing his job, I am not going to put my name on the line for him again after what he did last time. He begged me to reconsider and asked me what I would have done if I were in his shoes.

I told him it doesn’t matter what I would have done but if I did what he did, I wouldn’t go back to the same person and ask for help again. I then hung up.

I got a couple of messages from mutual friends asking me to help him because of the state of the economy.

I do feel bad but I also have my own professional reputation to consider. So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You don’t owe him the same favor twice. You already did your job as a friend. He asked you for help getting a job, and you got him one.

HE is the one who decided not only to not take it but to do so in a highly unprofessional manner that would reflect negatively on you.

You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your professional reputation for him. It will only make you look bad to recommend somebody so unreliable.

I understand the other company offered him more, but the least he could have done was talk with you about it. Maybe even offer an ACTUAL apology for putting you in that position.

Does he have no other friends to recommend him in the industry?

And why is it YOUR responsibility to recommend him? Couldn’t he just apply to your company on his own, or search for a job at another company on his own (apparently, he did so just fine the first time since he managed to find a second company to give him an offer)?

Yes, times are hard right now, but you didn’t take his job. You are not responsible for his life or his past actions and it is completely up to you whether you are willing to stick your neck out for him again or not.

It’s no one else’s business.” TheGrimReader1888

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Actions have consequences, and you’re not obligated to do anything for him no matter what. Also, it sounds like this guy still has not acknowledged that what he did last time was a crummy thing to do, which would make me wonder how well he is going to behave at any new job.

I am curious if your primary motive is ‘just deserts’ for this guy, or if you’re concerned that if you try to get him a job, he will repay the favor by doing something else at that firm that will put you in a bad light and make you sorry you recommended him somehow, or both.

Either way, I don’t think you’re the jerk, but I would say you have the stronger moral position with the second.” NotWithoutHopeYet

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. However, you may have dodged a bullet. Better for your friend to just deny the job outright than be hired and end up being a bad fit after you worked so hard to convince people he was the right person for the job.

When people show you their true colors listen. He has shown you his character in terms of loyalty, dedication, and communication. I would just leave it at ‘I’ll see what I can do’ and not take it anywhere from there.” absaoke

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow

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Ninastid 1 year ago
Ntj he stabbed you in the back and still expects you to help him? Wow what world is he living in
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8. AITJ For Not Wanting My Wife To Be Friends With Someone I Don't Like?


“Some time ago, my wife and I connected with an acquaintance of ours on social media. We’ve always been friendly with her because she is the daughter of a family friend. Her social media posts were mainly about her travels, evenings out, etc. Mine are generally about my fitness hobbies, but sometimes I post excerpts from non-fiction books I’ve been reading.

Typically I only ever commented on her posts to make positive affirmations about whatever she was posting. ‘Looks like fun!’ that sort of thing.

By contrast, this acquaintance of ours decided to start sending me direct messages aggressively arguing about politics.

I don’t really like to do this on social media. I would respond politely, usually doing my best to express sympathy for her views, assert the mildest possible disagreement when we did disagree, and try to bring such conversations to a civil or friendly conclusion as quickly as possible.

Her DMs gradually got more aggressive, and eventually, after insulting me many times and carrying on arguments long after they became unproductive, even as I tried to wrap them up nicely, she unfriended me – but not my wife.

Of course, throughout this time, I would share these DMs with my wife, and my wife would express shock and disapproval at our acquaintance’s insults toward me.

So my wife and I seemed to be on the same page.

We did cross paths with the acquaintance once after all this social media drama, at a mutual friend’s party. Our acquaintance very deliberately ignored and avoided me. For my part, I had a long (an hour or so) and friendly conversation (unrelated to any of the above) with her husband and left it at that.

A year later, my wife was invited to the acquaintance’s baby shower, and my wife decided to go. I told her that this felt a little disloyal to me, considering that this woman repeatedly insulted me and finally ‘unfriended’ me and my wife saw all of these insults, etc.

It seems wrong to me for my wife to carry on a friendly relationship with a person who insults her husband and pointedly refuses to interact with me on any level. My position is, if the tables were turned and one of my friends insulted my wife, that person wouldn’t be my friend anymore, regardless of how they treated me.

‘You mess with the bean, you mess with the whole burrito,’ so to speak. I don’t understand why my wife feels differently, and it feels really disloyal to me.

So, I asked her not to go to the shower.

My wife isn’t angry with me, but she is committed to attending the baby shower, no matter what I say. She says that when someone has a baby, you’re supposed to wish them well, and that’s that.

What do you think?

AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. From my understanding, you’re only asking her to not attend the baby shower and you’re giving her the reasons why, so I don’t believe you’re a jerk for that, it’s totally normal to express your feelings/wants to your partner.

But I don’t believe that someone should cut off people because their partner doesn’t have good a relationship with them. If that woman starts badmouthing you to your wife, then, of course, I would understand you expecting your wife to cut her off (and also you thinking it’s disloyal if your wife keeps being okay with her and not cutting her off), but if her relationship with your wife is not related nor does it involve you, then it shouldn’t be cut off because your relationship with her ended (because she didn’t like your points of view if I understood correctly).

It might stink a little bit that someone who doesn’t like you has an okay relationship with your partner, and you can share your feelings about it with your partner, but it is 50% your partner’s choice of what they’ll do with their relationship with that other person and 50% that other person’s choice.” AlternativeConcept93

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – doesn’t feel like there is enough info as to why the acquaintance started arguing with you about politics, was there something that you did to set her off/offend her? Your wife should be able to make friends with people if she chooses.

Having the mindset ‘if I don’t like them you can’t’ seems petty and contradicting considering you said you are friendly with her husband and engage with him. Whilst having someone being volatile over a message does suck you need to talk to your wife about why she is friends with the acquaintance as it may be a meaningful relationship she wants to uphold for her own reasons unrelated to you.” AcrobaticChart3972

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I fully understand how you feel, I know that when friends choose to hang out with or celebrate folks who’ve hurt me, it certainly hurts. But you’re not gonna stop her, and hopefully let it go and not guilt her about it.

BUT a person is more than the last conversation you had with them. This acquaintance may even cringe when she thinks of when she went crazy at you over a DM. Or not. It doesn’t matter. Your wife wants to go, consider it a social networking event not a celebration of some mean chick’s baby.” Available-Seesaw-492

1 points - Liked by lebe

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Ninastid 1 year ago
Ntj and if your wife is choosing that jerk over you get a divorce and tell her to go marry that girl
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7. AITJ For Allowing My Kid Not To Eat Vegetables Once?


“I (39 F) have 3 kids (6 F, 9 M, and 12 F). My husband (40 M) and I decided a few days ago to take the kids to our local restaurant, as a treat, because we don’t do that often. My husband is a bit of a health nut and is VERY restrictive of the foods my kids eat, which is the main source of our arguments.

On Thursday, we went to the restaurant, and the kids were super excited. The server was asking what the kids wanted, when my 12-year-old (we’ll call her Emily) said, ‘Cheeseburger with bacon’. My husband butted in and said, ‘With lettuce and tomato.’ Emily’s face immediately fell.

My husband didn’t even notice, and Emily looked super bummed.

After the server took our orders, my husband turned to Emily and asked her what was wrong. She said that she didn’t want lettuce and tomato on her burger, because she doesn’t like them.

He sighed and said that they’d been through this a million times, and having vegetables with every meal was super important. Emily looked like she was about to cry. She is neurodivergent and a lot of food tastes and textures really bother her, tomatoes being a large one.

My husband doesn’t seem to care, which REALLY bothers me.

When the food came, Emily didn’t even touch the burger. So when my husband went to the bathroom, I took the lettuce and tomato off the burger, put them on mine, and winked at Emily.

She grinned and gladly ate her burger. My husband didn’t say anything about it, until that night.

He told me that taking the vegetables off was a violation of his trust because he was just looking out for our daughter.

I told him that it was just one meal, and not having vegetables ONCE wasn’t a big deal. He said that those vegetables were very important. I left the room, and have been talking to him as little as possible.

So, AITJ for taking the vegetables off my daughter’s burger? I think I might be the jerk because it’s just lettuce and tomato, and my kids having vegetables is really important to my husband, but I feel like he was being super controlling, and I NEVER want to see my child upset.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ NTJ NTJ. This is setting your child up to have an unhealthy relationship with food. This is SO important to understand. Associating upset and even shame with food is putting your poor child on an incredibly dangerous road.

It’s not just about the husband being super controlling (which he is, like dude… Yikes. There’s a LOT to unpack there), it’s about how this will seriously mess up your child more than you might know. I pray this poor girl doesn’t develop an eating disorder.

(That may sound extreme but that is a highly likely outcome of this).” TheEthicalRoaster

Another User Comments:

“YTJ but let me be clear I don’t think you are a jerk in general – I think you sound like a parent doing their best in a pretty crappy situation (ie a situation your husband has created).

However, the long-term solution is not for you to be taking things off burgers and winking at your kids. You and your husband need to get on the same page with this (and, what I really mean, is that your husband needs to get on a different page.

In fact, he needs to open a whole new book).

This could set up a whole range of issues for your kids and their relationship with food. It could also set up a whole range of issues with your kids and their needs and wants not being listened to.

This is actually a hill to die on.

Stand up to your husband for the sake of your kids. Don’t keep doing things behind his back – let him know how things should and will be. You need to both work together with your kids in regards to food and eating – what do they like?

What can they actually not tolerate? How can they have a balanced and nutritional diet that takes all this into account? And what are their favorite ‘just because I like it’ foods?” KommieKoala

Another User Comments:


Bluntly speaking, lettuce and tomato on a burger isn’t vegetable.

In fact, tomato is FRUIT (don’t get me started) and plain lettuce has no nutritional value, other than a little fiber.

All you really did by removing the lettuce and tomato was to make it possible for your daughter to enjoy eating her burger.

Your husband sounds a bit insane. First, he’s so obsessed with nutrition but thinks that it’s possible to make a burger healthy. Second, if your daughter eats a burger the way she wants to eat a burger, he thinks that’s a violation of trust.

Where is the contract your kids signed stating that they will eat everything dad says and ONLY what dad says, forever, under penalty of a painful death? (facepalm)” Background-Lab-4896

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. Y’all are supposed to be a united front.

I feel for your kiddo lettuce and tomato aren’t really ‘veg with dinner’ but you two undermining each other is not going to end well. Does your husband understand your daughter has a medical condition? Are there veggies your daughter DOES like that could have been ordered instead?

It sounds like Dad is trying to get her nutritional needs met but is going about it like a bull in a china shop. There are more ways to get a neurodivergent person to get their vitamins and minerals than brute force.

And there are more ways to get Dad to be a little more understanding than waiting for him to leave & doing something behind his back.

Y’all need to talk to each other & come up with a more creative solution.

Forcing someone on the spectrum to eat things that repulse them is setting them up for the eating disorder ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) which spectrum people are already at a greater risk of developing.” emotionalsupportham

1 points - Liked by lebe

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CletusSnow 1 year ago
NTJ. That lettuce and slice of tomato offer about as much nutrition as would an order of French fries. If your husband's concern is actually nutrition, he needs to focus on the kids getting more than 4 appropriate sized servings per day, with meals, or as snacks or even dessert...on MOST days. (Not every day, as it really does even out over time). It could be that his focus is more on control than on actual nutrition, especially if he's forcing them to eat a leaf of lettuce or a slice of tomato, which have almost no nutritive value.
It's not a treat to go out for a meal if that meal is something that you don't even like.
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6. AITJ For Kindly Asking My Wife To Cook Dinner For Me?


“My wife and I married 4 years ago and before then went out for 2 years.

At the beginning of our relationship, we were both in college and pursuing our respective degrees. After we both finished our degrees, we decided to get married and entered the workforce (I entered a year before her, as I am a year older).

After a few years of marriage, my wife and I decided to have a baby, and we had a beautiful baby boy who is almost 1 year old now. After the baby was born, however, my wife’s attitude towards her job began to change.

She quickly began to loathe it and after she cried to me that she hated being away from the baby, she decided to quit her job (she consulted me on this decision of course) and become a housewife.

The issue is, while I make a good amount of money at my job, with the added burden of a new baby, a housewife, and a mortgage, I had to increase my hours.

I work really late hours and I simply do not have the energy to cook myself a whole meal when I come home. I need some time to just relax before I have to put myself into the meat grinder again so we can have a roof over our heads.

This came to a head a few days ago, when I came home at 9:00 pm with nothing prepared for anyone (except the baby). She makes herself dinner still and we used to do our own chores when she worked, but now I have to work longer, while she has more time.

With this and tired/frustrated from work, I calmly asked if she could cook for me. She said she wasn’t my maid, and to cook for myself. This turned into a huge argument and we haven’t talked since. Despite the entire argument, I still think I am right here.

I work my butt off day and night, put myself through a lot day after day after day, working 70-80 hours a week. All I want is a warm meal when I get home and not having to do my own laundry.

Now, in her defense, besides laundry, lawn maintenance, and cooking, she does all the other chores. She cleans the house and of course, she takes care of the baby. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If she’s cooking a piece of salmon, it’s not hard to cook 2 and then you can have yours later.

Same thing with baking chicken, or pasta. It’s so bizarre to make it for yourself but intentionally exclude your spouse. It’s okay to subscribe to traditional gender roles — you’re working 70 hours outside the home NOT for yourself, but for your own family, her included. She can cook/keep leftovers for you.

You two are supposed to be a team. I think there are deeper issues going on. You need to communicate effectively. You’re not asking for a lot, but you may be asking someone who feels entitled.” nihilistreality

Another User Comments:


Sit down and talk with her. Let her know that since you are working more, you can’t do as much around the house. Now, if she wants to continue being a housewife, she needs to pick up the slack for you.

If she doesn’t want to, then she needs to go back to work and contribute to the mortgage and bills like before. She can’t have it both ways.

Yes, taking care of a family and household is a full-time job.

However, she is not doing the whole job if she is not helping to support you.” shadowdragon1978

Another User Comments:


Her reducing caring for you as her partner to saying I am not your maid would really make me want to say I am not your meal ticket.

You guys need to have a Come to Jesus meeting. Either let her know she’s going to have to carry some of the financial burden or she’s going to have to make you some food! It is hard to believe she cooks for herself but can’t make more for you.

Man, you’re getting dragged through the dirt.” Helpful-Employer4138

1 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow

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mima 1 year ago
TJ tell her to take her lay jerk to work if she can't make you dinner so you can cut your hours and cook for yourself. Who the jerk acts like that?
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5. AITJ For Using My Dropped-Out Brother's College Fund?


“My parents have always made it clear that education was important to them. My grandparents couldn’t help my dad through college, and he had to work multiple part-time jobs to support himself.

He doesn’t hold that against them, but he always told us how difficult it was and how working so much caused him to miss out on extra opportunities such as clubs, sports, social events, networking, etc.

Because of that, he started saving for me and my brother, and since we were kids he made his ‘deal’ super clear: If we got into college, he would pay for everything – living expenses, tuition, and extracurricular activities.

I (F22) always took that to heart, and my dad fulfilled his end of the ‘deal’ for my undergrad. My older brother (m29) on the other hand didn’t like school and dropped out after freshman year. He hasn’t gone back since and has been living at home working part-time jobs on and off.

I recently got into my dream grad program, and my dad offered to pay for my program. When my brother found out that my dad would be using ‘his’ money, he lost it. My brother and his friend wanted to start a business and had planned on using that money for it.

My dad said that he made it explicitly clear that the money would be used for school. Even if my brother went to community college, he would be able to use the money. But he refused to finish college, so my dad said that was on him and he wasn’t entitled to the money.

Plus, my parents still pay for my brother’s living expenses (food and rent), so I personally feel like he got a fair deal. I know that school isn’t for everyone, but my dad made it super clear that the money was for education.

My brother isn’t talking to me anymore, and he’s threatened to skip all future family functions causing my mom to be really hurt and upset. I do feel like a jerk because I want to take the funds for my own gain (not being in debt from school) and it’s been causing my mom a lot of stress, but on the other hand, I feel like it’s my dad’s choice and my brother had 10 years to figure out going to school to get the money.”

Another User Comments:


Your father/parents have been supporting him for TEN years. If he feels that he’s entitled to that money (for non-educational purposes) then he’s ALREADY USED IT UP.

So your brother who lives at home (rent-free) is going to NOT attend family events?

I mean parents host Thanksgiving – he sits in his room? I am betting after a couple of tantrum shows of absence, he’ll want the food, the gifts (Christmas), etc.

I wouldn’t let his whining bother you too much. Get that grad degree and after you get a good-paying job – IF you want, make a schedule to pay back what your father paid (or some of it) – for Father’s retirement.

And if your brother gets his head out of his bum, then maybe he’ll figure out that educational money is for education and go back to get some education.

But, it sounds like he has a ‘Good deal’ with the parents, so why should he work for more than his drinking/fun money?” Blacksmithforge3241

Another User Comments:


Your dad made a deal, and you chose to honor it, but your brother did not, plain and simple. He also sounds extremely entitled. He already barely works with no rent or bills AND wants money to start a business with no degree in business or anything?

And how is he going to skip family functions if he lives at the family home?

Anyway, enjoy the money your dad saved for EDUCATION. Don’t feel bad for people who do this to understand how the real world works.

Money is earned, it’s a privilege, not a right. Just don’t expect a relationship with your brother anymore though tbh, and good riddance.” Wayward_Wallaby

Another User Comments:


Your dad set aside money for the college education of his children.

Your brother chose not to go to college, and at 29 I wouldn’t expect a parent to hold on to the college fund forever; it’d just become part of regular savings.

Your brother was never going to get that money to fund his business.

You refusing the money won’t mean it goes to your brother. I also agree that he has received significant family support by continuing to live with his parents rent-free for a decade; he chose to spend that time only working part-time jobs on and off.

You aren’t taking your brother’s money.

Your parents have money left over in the account earmarked for education. Frankly now is the time for your brother to reconsider going to college; he could even get a business degree.

But it’s now or never, in my opinion; I don’t believe it’s ethical to demand parents hold education money in perpetuity because one child hasn’t gone to college, or for one to demand an extra payout because one is going to grad school and they didn’t.” Kettlewise

-1 points - Liked by IDontKnow

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IDontKnow 1 year ago
NTJ. It isn't you money or your brother's money. It's your father's money and he can do whatever the h3ll he wants to do with it.
Your brother wasn't going to get that money anyway. Unless he went to school. He certainly wasn't going to get it to start some business with his buddy.
Your brother is acting like a child tell him to grow up and take it up with your dad. And tell your mom to stop babying your brother.
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4. AITJ For Secretly Putting Eggplant In My Husband's Food?


“My husband has this weird thing with not eating eggplants and bananas because he feels like it would decrease his masculinity and that it’s gay to do so…

So his sisters and I started this thing where we’d sneak eggplants into his food as a joke because we thought his reasoning for not eating eggplants was ridiculous and found some humor in doing it.

Each time we’d make a meal for him and successfully sneaked eggplant into his food we’d take a picture and send it in the group chat we have going on with each other and make some kinda joke about it.

Since I am his wife and he obviously lives with me, I am the one usually cooking for him and have sent the most pictures of his eggplant dishes.

My husband stumbled upon the messages after sending one of his sisters a text message from my phone and was so furious that he even broke the rule that we put upon ourselves to not argue in front of our children.

He started shouting at me in front of our 3-year-old son (we currently have 1 child together and I am pregnant with our 2nd).

At first, I was sure he would calm down and see the humor in it so I jokingly said ‘Well did it make you less of a man’ which only ended up adding fuel to the fire.

He kept going on about how we betrayed his trust and that we can no longer trust any of us anymore and can’t even trust his own family to cook him food. He called me narcissistic for getting joy off misleading him.

He even told his son ‘Because your mom is a narcissistic jerk you may not have a big happy family anymore’ and threatened divorce.

I am starting to feel bad because clearly, it was important to him not to eat eggplant, and even though I found his reasoning dumb I probably should have just respected that.

I have already apologized but it wasn’t enough for him and now he told me he needs time to be able to trust me again.

I asked him what I can do to help with that and he put a lot of demands that I feel is excessive.

I just want an outside perspective, was I really the jerk?”

Another User Comments:


He’s weird towards eggplants but teasing him and making fun of him in a group chat is unwarranted. Try putting yourself in his shoes; let’s say you have some weird pet peeve.

Then, if your husband makes fun of you because of this either in private or public, wouldn’t you be angry or annoyed too? Imagine you see a group chat of your husband, his family, and his friends, and you see that your husband was mocking you in his messages in the group chat.

Would you still trust him?” yen48

Another User Comments:


Your husband is a moron. Not eating foods with weird shapes is a stupid boundary to have. It was still a boundary and secretly breaking your partner’s (the person you’re supposed to love and cherish) boundaries and then making fun of them behind their back is certifiably unhinged behavior, in my opinion.

I’d probably divorce you too.” Activ3Roost3r

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It’s one thing to want him to eat healthy foods but this wasn’t even about that. You and his sisters are jerks. You’re bullies. You deceived him and forced him to eat something he didn’t want to eat.

You did it again and again and you mocked him for it. Shame on you. No wonder he doesn’t trust you. You enjoyed deceiving him, so one apology isn’t going to be enough. And for you to even ask if you’re the jerk shows that you still refuse to admit that what you did was wrong.” ComprehensiveBand586

-1 points - Liked by lebe

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Kilzer53 1 year ago
U seriously have to ask if ytj? (Which, undoubtedly, u are) u lack respect for ur husband opinions and dislikes and u take it upon urself to "cure" his dislike of a certain food. U go behind his back and then u make fun of him. And his sisters? His sisters i can understand a little more, but still it was a sh^tty thing to do. And then u think what he's asking for is too much? How come u didn't mention his terms? Would it be embarrassing for u? I don't blame him for how he see u now. The one person in this whole world who he trusted to have his back and u stabbed him in it.
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3. AITJ For Excluding One Sister From My Wedding?


“I (23F) am getting married to my fiancé B (23M) in 18 months. So I’ve started to send out all of the save-the-dates to those in the family who are invited. I have 9 other siblings plus my mother so my side of the family takes up most of the guest list as is.

The one sister, A (30F) who I am not inviting has kicked up a stink and is furious as to why she is the only one not invited.

She is a very sneaky and manipulative person who really hasn’t made the best life choices.

She’s made up rumors about me and asked for money for her kid’s daycare when I knew that it was most definitely not going towards that. She is dealing with a few mental health issues, as have the rest of the family as a result of a past trauma we all experienced. So everyone sticking up for her is using her mental health as an excuse for her terrible behavior.

But like, bruh, we literally all experienced this nonsense and have been in some very dark places but not once have we delved into her level of crap.

Mainly my sisters are on the fence because they don’t want to go and then in turn exclude my sister.

But it’s also MY WEDDING, so that’s the tea. Kinda spewing the day about me and my soon-to-be husband is turning into another issue with A but y’know. Kinda ready to cut some ties with family at this point.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for what you described as an unhealthy childhood in which one of your siblings was unable to develop healthy ways to live in the world. NTJ for not wanting to have some messed up co-dependant relationship with a sibling.

NTJ for not including your sister in your wedding. YTJ for your attitude that because she didn’t come out of your messed up childhood undamaged that you are a better person.” Adjmom

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. I am wondering why you didn’t talk to her about these issues before just flat-out inviting 8 out of 9 siblings and obviously excluding her.

Yes her behavior has not been good, but just cutting her out is hurtful (imagine they all cut out you) and you are putting the rest of the family in a tough position. If you feel that strongly about it and her, that’s fine, it’s your choice, but there is going to be fallout.” Jerseygirl2468

Another User Comments:


Not inviting one sibling while inviting the others is asking for drama. I could understand your other siblings and your parents being hesitant to attend your wedding over this.

I sympathize with you about not wanting to invite someone and I don’t think you’re the jerk for not wanting to invite them.

I think YTJ because of the difficult position you are putting the rest of your family in. I think it would be best for all involved for you to suck it up and invite her.” Realistic-Penguin

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You know exactly why your sister is mad. You’d be mad too if she invited EVERY SINGLE ONE of your siblings to a huge life event and purposefully excluded you.

However, your sister has a problematic personality and a high statistical likelihood of causing drama.

What you should have done was act like an adult and talk to her about your issues with her behavior and what your boundaries were for your wedding. And then listened to what she had to say. If she started acting the fool leading up to the event, you pull out the ‘I communicated my expectations and boundaries to you’ card and tell her she should probably stay home.

But you didn’t give her a chance. You just excluded her, knowing full well she’d be hurt and then you acted all surprised when she threw a fit. I mean, she shouldn’t act surprised that people don’t like her either.

Both of you are bad communicators and acted immaturely.” Beneficial-Remove693

-2 points (2 vote(s))

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Ninastid 1 year ago
Ntj why would you invite someone like that to your wedding?
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2. AITJ For Asking My Sister Not To Drink At The Baby Shower She's Throwing For Me?


“I am currently pregnant, and my sister has offered to throw me a baby shower next month. I am really excited about it, but I am also feeling a little anxious about one thing.

My sister has a bad history of drinking too much at social events and being the center of attention. It happened at nearly every gathering my family threw, even when there was no booze there, she always brings it herself.

I don’t want to seem rude, since she’s offering to throw the shower, but I also don’t think it’s appropriate for her to be drinking at the baby shower.

I understand that not everyone will be as excited about my pregnancy as I am, but I feel like my sister should be able to put my needs first in this instance.

When I brought up my concerns to her, I told her to not bring booze and not drink any, and she seemed surprised, and she accused me of calling her a heavy drinker.

However, I am still worried that she might not listen to me and will over-drink.

I don’t want to have to police her behavior or worry about her getting out of control.

So, am I the jerk for expecting my sister not to drink at my baby shower? I don’t want to create unnecessary tension, but I also want to have a pleasant and memorable event.”

Another User Comments:


But your sister DOES sound like a heavy drinker if she gets wasted every time she drinks. Drinking to get wasted is substance abuse (even if you don’t do it often, you are abusing it in that circumstance but a party now and then isn’t the same as doing it consistently and doesn’t qualify you as a heavy drinker solely on one night) but drinking moderately to socialize is very different.

I’d consider having someone else at least HELP throw the baby shower to ensure she doesn’t sneak liquor in. And maybe consider a family intervention with a counselor (including pre-planned programs and resources to continue treatment after she hopefully consents during the intervention).

I am probably projecting, I had a father who was a heavy drinker, and I don’t want to assume your sister is one. But if you think she is, maybe just consider it. Interventions sound intense and scary, but it’s really just about an open forum for her family and friends to express how much they care about her and want her healthy.

It can be a beautiful thing.” health_promo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s clear that you’re concerned about your sister’s behavior and want to ensure that she doesn’t create any problems at your baby shower, which is perfectly reasonable. It’s important to set expectations with your sister ahead of time and make it clear that you will not tolerate any over-drinking at the event.

If she isn’t able to abide by the rules, then you may need to enlist the help of some others to help keep her in check. But ultimately, the responsibility for getting her to behave is on her.” Professorplumsgun

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for the entire situation. Politely decline and throw your own dry party if you’re that concerned. ‘I didn’t want to be rude’ = ‘I didn’t want to have an honest conversation about sister’s drinking and how I suspect it will negatively impact one of my life’s precious moments because I still want her to spend her time, money and energy on me.’ If you had been honest, upfront, and direct but with kindness, you WNBTJ.

Clearly, you didn’t take the high road.” Murky_Language_9740

-3 points (3 vote(s))

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Kali 1 year ago
You need to nip this in the bud, otherwise you might be TJ for letting this continue. Tell your sister no thanks, that you have someone else who IS planning the party. Set this all up so when you tell her the plan is already in place. Tell her it’s a dry shower, no exceptions, and if she shows up with her own drink designate someone to quietly take care of it so you don’t have to stress over it. It’s possible that if this happens she’ll cause a scene and maybe start a verbal fight with you. But prepared for how you will handle this, and decide if it’s worth risking a scene for turning her away or her making it all about her. Good luck either way.
1 Reply

1. AITJ For Not Bringing A Gift To My Best Friend's Baby Shower?


“My (F22) best friend’s (F24) baby shower was last weekend. She invited me by email/digital card and called me to tell me about it.

When I checked the official invite email I noticed no gift registry (I think that’s uncommon for a baby shower? Always has been one for others I’ve been to.)

I texted my friend and asked her if there was a registry and if I was missing it.

She responded ‘Nope! Not about gifts for me, just come and bring your support!’ Or something like that. The last sentence kind of implied to me that she wasn’t expecting gifts.

Well, the baby shower comes along and I am the only one who didn’t bring a real gift there.

I gave my friend a nice card a couple of days before the shower, just telling her how happy I am for her. But I never bought a gift, and at the actual event I had nothing at all since I already gave her the card early (I kinda wanted it to be private.)

I feel dumb. She opens everything from her other friends, diapers, bottles, baby books, all the regular stuff, and there’s nothing at all from me. She kind of gives me a look but doesn’t say anything.

The next day I get a text asking why I didn’t give her anything, not even something small.

I explain she told me it wasn’t about gifts so I thought that would be expected. She said I was dense and clearly got upset, then told me ‘You’re my best friend but you couldn’t even do the bare minimum.’

I would have bought her something if she didn’t say ‘It’s not about gifts’ or if there was a registry. It was an honest misunderstanding and I really do care about her.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is ridiculous.

Your friend, I mean. This is some serious Guess Culture nonsense dialed up to 11, presumably to locate the autistic in the group. (Joking, but only barely.)

If she wanted presents, there were a million ways to be honest about that and still be polite and demure.

‘No registry! People are welcome to bring what they want!’ or ‘I didn’t want to tell people what to bring; it’s the thought that counts!’ or ‘Surprise me!’ or ‘I trust people to know what a baby needs!’

NOT ‘just bring your support’ which actively sounds like she does not want presents. Maybe she plans to live in a tiny house and every square foot of storage is spoken for. Maybe the baby stuff is all heirloom gifts from the MIL and she doesn’t want anything new that will clash.

Maybe she plans to return to her home planet Xarkon soon and there’s no luggage room on the spaceship. YOU DON’T KNOW, which is WHY YOU ASKED.

For her to very clearly say no gifts (‘just bring your support’ means ‘and nothing else’; I have a degree in English and will die on this hill) and then get mad at you for taking her at her word is jerk behavior.” erinjeffreys

Another User Comments:


The entire point of a baby shower is the gifts. Like actually, that’s the purpose of them – to help the new mom stock her nursery with the things she needs for the new baby. That’s why it’s called a ‘shower’ – you are showering her with gifts.

That’s also why there are no baby showers for second babies – because the mom has baby stuff already. A lot of baby showers are literally only gift openings. I can’t stress this enough – a baby shower is a gift-giving ceremony.

This is, in my opinion, common knowledge.

Given that, saying that ‘there’s no registry because, for me, this shower isn’t about the gifts’ really sounds like – ‘I don’t expect anything specific or expensive’. But it doesn’t mean no gifts AT ALL.

Because without gifts then it’s literally not a baby shower.

Like would you go to a potluck and not bring any food because the host said it ‘wasn’t really about the food’? Of course not. It’s a potluck; it’s a given that you’re supposed to bring food.

This is the same. It was awkward and bizarre that you attended the shower without anything at all, and it makes sense she called you out on it.” mulkimchi

Another User Comments:


It’s weird for someone to explicitly tell you that it’s ‘not about the gifts’ for them and then be hurt by your decision not to bring a gift. So weird that if your friend does not have a history of behaving this way I would blame hormones and cut her some slack.

If she does have that history in other ways, then make note that she is not someone who means it when she says gifts don’t matter. In other words, she feels the need to lie about how much she values the presents.

I’ve definitely seen that before.

If she’s a close friend and you feel the need to make it up to her, buy her a push present. I try to buy my friends something specifically and only for them since the baby is being inundated with gifts already and by the time they have it they probably will have bought or received all the baby things they need.” TheUnsolicitedAdvice

Another User Comments:


Your friend was making the point that the shower is for the baby, not for her when she wrote ‘Not really all about the gift for me.’

She said you were dense because she expected you to realize that, since you’ve been to weddings and/or baby showers, gifts are customary.

The ‘shower’ is a shower of good wishes as well as gifts.

Of course, it’s not about the gifts, but a shower is not just a party, as you realized when you looked for the registry: you know gifts are a major part of a shower.

Booties, bibs, etc., are relatively inexpensive, so showing up with nothing was likely hurtful to your soon-to-be-mummy friend.

For future reference, it is NEVER out of place to show up with a gift – to a shower, to a party, when invited to dinner or tea, or just visiting.

It needn’t be expensive, but a small thank-you for hospitality is always in good taste and appreciated, even when the good host/ess protests, ‘You shouldn’t have.’ What’s left unsaid is, ‘But I am glad/touched/tickled that you did!'” User

-3 points (3 vote(s))

User Image
Ninastid 1 year ago
Ntj she should've worded her statement better that's on her
2 Reply

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