People Talk About Their Trivial "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Telling My Children's Birth Father That They Don't Want To Meet Him?
“Backstory: my (late) wife got married to a fella 17 years ago and got pregnant. Shortly after the girls were born, he bolted, leaving her and the girls alone.
When my girls were around 6 (they’re turning 16 this year), I met my wife and we got married a year later. Sadly, my wife passed away a couple of years after that, and I adopted our three girls and raised them as my own ever since.
To the main story…
My middle (I call my daughter that’s born first, my oldest) daughter (let’s call her M), told me a man messaged her on social media claiming to be their birth father.
He knew my wife’s name, where she worked at the time, and roughly how old my girls were. Based on the fact he knew so much about my wife’s side, I have no reason to doubt that he is my girls’ birth father.
I asked M if she was interested in meeting him and she was adamant that she considered me as her father and wanted nothing to do with the man that abandoned them.
I asked my other two girls if they would like to meet him and they both also declined. They asked me to get this man to stop trying to reach out to them.
So I used M’s account to message him, told him I was their adopted father and asked to meet face to face.
When I met him I asked him to stop reaching out to my girls and told him that they have his contact info for when they feel like they’re ready to meet.
Apparently, that made him mad and he told me that it was his right to meet his daughters, I’m keeping them away from him because I’m afraid they’ll leave me and they need to meet him.
He then stormed off and we haven’t heard from him since.
I think I’m in the right here, but a couple of my friends told me that I should have tried to calm my girls down and organize a meeting with their birth father.
They also said that the fact that he’s reaching out now means that he might be sick and wants to meet them before he passes. Now I’m doubting my actions.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m adopted (was given up at birth), and have had little interest in finding my birth parents. The only time I’ve even passingly considered tracking them down was with the birth of my oldest – and that was ONLY to find out a family health history.
I’ve always considered my adoptive parents (warts and all) my real and ONLY parents.
If they would have tried to force me to meet my birth parents, I would have fought them (not physically, of course) and resented them trying to do this to me.
I strongly believe that BOTH SIDES have to be wanting to meet in order for it to happen and no one should force either side to agree.
My birth parents (I’m told they were high school lovers) did the right thing and I thank them for it.
But adoption is a ‘for life’ thing. There are no take-backs and certainly, you don’t attempt to force your way back into someone’s life. You may have created them, but you are complete strangers.
NTJ.” pcnauta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was in a similar situation as your daughters. My biological father abandoned my mother when I was around 1-2.
When we got a hold of his contact info, my mother did not push me to meet him and let me go at my own pace.
However, the man that did raise me ‘encouraged’ me to involve my biological father more in my life and even allow him into my hospital room when I was hospitalized. He said I ‘should’ and other general platitudes that weren’t centered around my wants or my best interests.
It was about ‘how things should be’… aka a biological father having a relationship with his kids…
But get this: he voluntarily gave up ‘how things should be’ when he abandoned them and left. Now he is nothing more than a stranger who made their late mother’s life more difficult before their actual dad –YOU OP– came into their lives.
I relented and let my bio dad come around me… and I felt so coerced. It was very uncomfortable. I made it clear that I did not want to speak to him or see him.
But I was ‘encouraged’ to ‘give him a chance.’
There are a lot of complicated emotions that your daughters are going through. But they have already told you what they want.
Respect that.
For your friends, please ignore them. Please do not ‘encourage’ them, they will resent it and it will cause a lot of emotional trauma that they do not need. They already lost their mom.
Also, they already have a dad. That’s you. They don’t ‘need’ him other than his medical information. They have what they need.
NTJ.
Also, if he is indeed sick, he would’ve told you and communicated like a grown man.” WailingWidow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People can get weird about biological family and tend to come up with excuses as to why it’s important to meet. They typically do this because they have good relationships with their biological family – in which they typically were raised – and can’t understand the type of perspective your daughters have.
I think it’s excellent that you let them make the call, and they have his contact information in case they ever change their minds. Personally, I waited until my late 20s to connect with my birth mom, and after a few awkward visits decided that there was no benefit for me to continue.
I really just wanted closure and to make sure I didn’t have regrets. It might be good to further process things with your daughters, but you made the right call in letting them be in charge of the situation.” Mighty_Vulcan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Legally, you’ve adopted them. You’re the dad, legally. Morally? He abandoned them shortly after they were born. Morally, he’s not their dad. At best, he’d be a sperm donor.
Pay attention to your kids. Do not push them to foster any kind of relationship with the jerk. And yes, he’s a jerk. You really shouldn’t show back up after no word from infancy when the girls are in their teens.
He certainly shouldn’t be expecting to be welcomed with open arms. You asked them, they answered you. Pay attention, Dad.
And you shouldn’t have any doubt at all: You pretty much stood up for your girls against a stranger’s claim ‘I’m your real dad’… Where was he when they were sick?
When they needed Dad? What about when Mom died? Where was he then? And what is he trying to get out of them now? You are definitely not the jerk, Dad.
As far as him being sick and this is his last chance… It’s nonsense speculation. He could be a human trafficker looking for new victims. There’s speculation for you. It could be part of therapy he’s undergoing for a life-long addiction to Andes Mints.
NOBODY KNOWS and it’s useless to speculate.” Darkneuro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I HATE people saying that someone should ‘calm’ teenagers down and get them to do something for their own good.
Uh no. Your girls have already been abandoned and suffered the loss of their mother. Fortunately, they found their father and were adopted and life has moved forward. Now the sperm donor wants contact and you are supposed to coerce them into it?
No, you are not. You are supposed to respect and support their wishes. As you said, they have his contact information. If they want to contact him, they can do so later.
His messaging a teenager out of nowhere is beyond creepy. He obviously doesn’t think so and thinks his sperm gave him some rights over a decade later. It doesn’t. Being a teenager that has had a mother pass away is hard enough.
DO NOT push them to meet this man. Follow your instincts and honor your own wishes. If they change their minds, work with a therapist that has experience in reuniting family members.
Good job being a good dad!” Dachshundmom5
15. AITJ For Refusing To Refer To My Stepdaughter As My "Daughter"?
“I met my wife 6 years ago, we got married after 2 years of knowing one another.
She had a 6-year-old daughter when I met her and she’s now a thriving and lovely 12-year-old.
I love her very much and I consider her to be family, but first and foremost my stepdaughter’s father is heavily involved in her life and he is a great dad.
She already has a father, and for years both her dad’s side and my wife’s side of the family have felt the need to ‘drum it into me’ that I will never ever be a father, just mom’s husband.
Over time I guess their mental POV has shifted because now my wife and her family wish for me to start referring to my stepdaughter as my daughter. However, she is not expected to refer to me as a dad.
I don’t really have an issue with this but I am uncomfortable because I don’t view her as my daughter, I actually view her as a younger family member that I take care of.
I love her but she’s my stepdaughter, there is a degree of separation, and that has been influenced by my wife and her family as well as my stepdaughter’s paternal family.
Anyhow my wife recently asked me why I don’t refer to her as my daughter when I talk about her to other people. I simply said because she’s not my daughter, (we’ve had many discussions in the past about why I’m uncomfortable and she tells me organic relationships grow and I need to get over it, but I still feel the way I feel) and she blew up at me saying I’m being difficult and that if I never view our daughter as my daughter I’m a terrible person.
I love her – to clarify, I just don’t see her as my child – am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s hard. My fiance has his kids on the weekend.
I’m their ‘parent’ but it tends to be a hierarchy. Like Mom and Dad, then Step-dad (since they have them during the week), then me. So while I’m always happy to chime in, my opinion has the least weight when it comes to raising them.
So it’s hard having to live with kids when you don’t really get a say in how they’re raised or disciplined.
Then there’s always the worry of: if gods forbid, my fiance dies, am I going to be allowed to see them?
I’ve helped raise them for eight years, but I’m not ‘officially’ their stepmom. What if we split up? I’ve spent eight years learning to love someone else’s kids, inserting them into my family; am I supposed to walk away after that?
And they’re going to have to lose all of their extra aunts and uncles and a grandmother on my side.
The one saving grace for me is that the kids are a teen and a preteen, so it’ll pretty much be up to them if they wanted to contact me if any of that stuff happened.” danni_shadow
Another User Comments:
“Stuff like this is honestly what makes me think that we need to retool how we view families in our society. The nuclear family stuff with two parents, usually biological, and the 2.5 kids with the white picket fence and the dog is clearly a setup that doesn’t account for the sheer spectrum of familial relations that can exist in this world.
I don’t want to wax too poetic here, but familial love and bonding is not something that can ever be confined to such rigid definitions, and yet, we as a society don’t really have a mechanism to realize that.
It’s really sad how we view any bond that falls outside of the biological parent and biological child definition as something inherently less than, imperfect, not good enough, and a poor substitute for the real thing.
I seriously think that OP would have had a better view of his relationship with this stepdaughter if not for his wife and her family’s incredibly rigid view of what constitutes a parent in a person’s life.
This whole ‘biological parents trump everyone else’ and that everyone else isn’t a ‘real’ parent is just not reflective of reality as far as I’ve seen it. I’ve seen adopted and foster and stepparents and siblings and aunts and uncles and family friends who were better parents, who loved their children fiercely and unconditionally, even though they weren’t necessarily related by blood.
I’ve seen biological parents treat their children like absolute garbage, who feel emboldened in their abuse precisely because society insists that they are the ‘real’ parents so only they count.
There is room for more than one type of parental relationship with a child. If OP winds up having a good relationship with his stepdaughter in the long run, while it might be different from the one she shares with her biological dad, it doesn’t mean it’s automatically less than.
It’s just different, but it’s still love.” MissionStatistician
Another User Comments:
“Well here’s my perspective, and I’ll use my own life experience as a metaphor for how I think it works.
My stepdad came into my life when I was 2. My biological father has always been in my life as well.
When I was a kid I didn’t like my stepdad because all my friends had a mom and dad and I thought he was preventing that from happening for me, and I was wrong.
Now that I’m an adult I realize how it would never work and my stepdad is an incredible man who has my absolute respect. This man taught me how to ride a bike, drive a car, buy a car, take care of the car, get insurance, get a job, pay taxes, and much much more.
Now, this is how names work for us. In conversation, I call him his name, but when I talk to my half-siblings I say ‘dad’ and I refer to him as my dad when talking to friends.
It’s strange I know, but it works. So this is what I’ll say to you OP, find what works but you have to come to terms with some things first. This girl is your daughter.
She may not admit it, but it is so. When things go down, you’ll be there (I hope) and that means something, being married to her mother means something, and if you continue to be married to her mother and be there for that little girl growing up, that means a whole lot of something.
I know this is all a bit of garbled nonsense but what upset me here is when you said ‘I don’t see her as a daughter, her father’s in the picture’.
My father’s in the picture, but my father wasn’t full-time, he had custody every second weekend. My biological father has done many things for me, but day to day, generally speaking, he just wasn’t there, my stepdad was.
He had no obligation to do what he did, he didn’t have to treat me the same way he treated his biological children, but he did. The only reason he was tougher on me vs my half-siblings is that I was a loose cannon as a kid, and needed that discipline.
It takes a big man to step up and be a father to their children, but it takes a bigger man to step up for a stepchild and make them feel like they aren’t in a broken family, that they have 2 families who love them unconditionally, and that the person married to their mother can be the father figure they need when they’re with their mother.
Rant over, wish you all the best mate.” slackbabbith
14. AITJ For Refusing To Apologize For "Hurtful" Things I Never Said?
I (17F) live in a small town where everybody knows everybody. I’m a quiet person who keeps to myself, so I don’t have many friends. My family is friends with this other family who has a son (19M) I’ll call Jake.
I’ve been friends with Jake for as long as I can remember.
We’ve been in contact since 2020 started, but he’s been calling and texting at all hours of the night.
He just broke up with his man, so I understand that he needs support, but I have my own mental health issues I’ve been struggling with, and I need some space.
He’s a very good friend, but I blocked his number 2 weeks ago after he called at 3 in the morning, ranting about how I never answer his calls and I’m a horrible friend, etc.
Last week, my parents called me into their room to talk, and they had a long conversation with me about acceptance, and how ‘gay people are people too’ (their words, not mine).
I’ve never said a hurtful thing or acted in a hurtful way towards anyone, LGTBQ+ or not. So I asked where this was all coming from, and they told me that Jake’s mom called my mom, because Jake was crying about a ‘text’ that I sent him, in which I called him some really awful things.
My parents aren’t tech-savvy in the slightest, and they wouldn’t listen to me as I tried to explain that I blocked his number because he was bothering me. They’re insisting that I go and apologize to Jake and his family for saying such awful things, but I never said anything to Jake.
No one will listen to my side of the story.
The worst part is, Jake won’t even show me the text message. I’ve tried talking to him, explaining that there’s no way I could have texted him, but he keeps playing the victim.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You cut off contact and he is trying to force contact to be re-established, one way or another.
If your parents are keen on pushing it, tell them you have supplied them with ample evidence that you never sent any such message.
You may need to offer to let them go through your phone. Also, point out that Jake has refused to supply any evidence to the fact. This is not a case of one person’s word against another’s.
Something to watch out for. I had an old co-worker who tried to claim that another co-worker they didn’t like sent them bullying messages to try and get them in trouble.
They changed the name of a friend’s contact on their phone to the co-worker’s name to make the text appear as if it came from the person they were trying to set up.
Jake is a liar and may try to cover his tracks. If he pulls this, ask that one of the parents hold the phone to read the message, and ask them to open the contact to prove it is your number it came from.
Follow it up with your real texts to Jake in your phone history and ask why they are not represented on his phone.” TogarSucks
Another User Comments:
“Of course NTJ.
This is either some really wild misunderstanding (unlikely, at least on Jake’s part–his and your parents, sure) or he’s psycho.
I don’t know what the best course of action is, though.
I mean, it’s OK to lose a friend over this, but you don’t want to get punished by your parents. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to apologize either, since I did nothing wrong and I wouldn’t want to give the appearance that I had.
I hope you can convince your parents and/or his that you’re telling the truth!” eugenesnewdream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Good for you for recognizing and shutting down manipulative behavior.
I’d emphasize to your parents that it was this exact behavior that he’s displaying now and his total lack of respect for your boundaries and NOT his gender that made you cut off contact.
Presumably, they have access to your phone logs and can see the time and frequency of his calls and also that you did not contact him after whatever date you blocked him.
Stop trying to reason with him. He knows you didn’t send that message. He just wants you to engage.” personofpaper
13. AITJ For How I Reacted When My Daughter Got Us Separated From The Group?
“So I’m a teacher at a relatively low-income school. If you didn’t know, this week is teacher appreciation week and though school has been canceled for the rest of the year we still give lessons online.
My school’s administration set up a drive-through so that we could still pick up our teacher appreciation gifts, and afterward a large group of us teachers would decorate our cars and drive through the surrounding neighborhoods with signs for the students stuck at home.
I brought along my (18F) daughter, who I’ll refer to as K, and my other daughter (12F). I had K drive my truck in the parade so that my youngest and I could sit in the back with the signs and wave to everyone.
Well, about ten minutes in K made a wrong turn (we weren’t leading) and we got separated from the group. I started yelling for K to turn around which caused her to freak out and start crying.
She pulled into a driveway and managed to catch up with everyone but I was rather annoyed at her. She had one job, to follow everyone else.
That wasn’t the only thing, she kept driving slower than everyone and I had to continuously tell her to keep up.
When we got back to the school K was still upset and I kept trying to tell her to just let it go. I apologized to everyone for the inconvenience and some teachers told me that I should not have acted so harshly to K, one teacher actually hit the person in front of her and pointed out that all things considered K did fine.
K hates driving my truck and it always stresses her out, but I stand firm in my belief that as a soon-to-be college student she should have experience driving a wide range of vehicles.
Also how hard is it to just follow in line with a bunch of cars?
Either way, my daughter told my wife what happened and now she’s annoyed at me too.
I just want to move on from it now, it’s done and overall we had a good time, but apparently, it’s still an issue. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You do have a valid point that giving her varied driving experience is a good idea, but it should be done in a calm and safe manner.
Having her drive you and her sister through a parade was not the place to facilitate learning.
Were there people out standing on the sidewalks? If she’s driving a vehicle that she’s not used to with people every couple hundred feet I can imagine that being really stressful.
Even so, a newer driver in a big truck following a bunch of other cars slowly, depending on the laws of your state on who’s at fault for a rear-end collision that could also lead to a lot of stress for a newer driver.
On top of that it sounds like you and your younger daughter were in the truck bed, she was probably scared she might hurt you or her younger sister. This sounds like a really stressful event for a new confident drive no matter how you hash it.” beetperson
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, man this isn’t even a question.
Your daughter was already stressed, had you backseat driving constantly and yelled at her for something as simple as a wrong turn that was easily fixed?
She’s not an ambulance driver driving someone to the hospital, she’s your kid who’s presumably been driving for a maximum of 2 years. OP, I promise you, your college-going kid just needs the basics.
And I bet she’s a better driver when you aren’t micromanaging her.
Also man, ‘overall we had a good time’? Are you serious? Who’s we? Your daughter sounds like she had a miserable time.
Of course, you want to move on from it, you’re the one who hurt her and don’t want to acknowledge your wrongdoing. She cannot because she was hurt.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You asked an inexperienced driver to drive for an event. You claim it’s so she can learn. This means accepting that she might make a mistake and that your reaction should be to teach, not yell.
Even seasoned drivers might make a wrong turn sometimes, but they’re usually lucky enough not to have their obnoxious dad yelling at them. Do you yell at your students when they make mistakes too?
Apologize to your daughter. And if you want her to learn to drive your truck while you refuse to teach constructively, shell out for an instructor.” oceanscales
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your daughter has not been driving for very long, and you not only made her feel like crap, but you gave her stressful associations with driving. Also, what are you 4?
You’re mad because you were separated from a parade? And not for nothing, please work on your low-key misogynistic behavior. Men yelling at women is a bullying tactic. Work on this behavior towards her or it will negatively impact her relationships with men.” Drcyborgl
Another User Comments:
“You’re telling me you put your daughter in a situation that you knew would cause her stress and then got angry at her because she was stressed and made a mistake and you don’t think you’re the jerk?
YTJ.
Also as a side note, I have a few questions. Why do college students need to have experience driving multiple cars? If she has a car when would she be suddenly thrown into driving a different car?
Does she have problems driving any car she’s not used to or just your truck?” probably-a-person
1. Offer to let her practice a on some road that is rarely traveled with a good shoulder.
2. NEVER force her to drive your truck again.
3. Accept that there are certain things she won't like doing and MOVE ON. Encourage, but let her build up to things at her pace.
12. WIBTJ If I Quit Paying For My Partner's Dog?
“Recently my significant other got an emotional support dog to help with her severe anxiety of doctors. That’s a whole story in itself so I’m just going to leave it at that; it’s besides the point of this story.
We got the dog and he’s great. He is super relaxed and doing pretty well with potty training. Everything you could ask for in a puppy. Before we got the dog my partner and I agreed that I would pay for the dog and she would pay me back, as she didn’t have enough at the time, and the dog would most likely be sold before she had the means.
She is pretty close to being able to pay me back for the cost of the puppy, along with a vet visit and pet vacuum I bought because he threw up in the car once.
Now I have made it clear that I am ok with helping pay for things for the dog such as vet visits and the pet vacuum etc because I want to be as supportive as possible, and I’m happy to see how happy he’s making her and the positive impact on her mental health.
Another thing is that I am the one taking the dog to the vet because of her whole doctor phobia, it affects her when an animal or loved one has a visit with the doc.
There is a follow-up vet visit tomorrow to give the dog his second flu shot because the vet recommended he have it if we were going to be taking him to events at pet stores with other dogs, which we plan to do.
The problem is that shots are my significant other’s biggest point of fear from the doctor by far. She had a traumatic past with being held down by multiple people to get simple things like flu shots and whatnot, but again not here to talk about that.
So anyway I didn’t tell her about the first three shots the dog got at our most recent vet visit but wasn’t able to avoid telling her about the second flu shot.
She flat out declined.
I’m mad because at this point I’ve paid for nearly everything for this dog, along with taking time a few days of the week to train this dog basic things like sit, stay, etc. I’m doing everything in my power to make sure this dog is a healthy, obedient dog, but my significant other isn’t having the whole flu shot still, so my question is to you: WIBTJ if I told my significant other I want to be paid back for everything I have contributed so far, and won’t be paying for anything in the future?
My thought process here is that if she doesn’t let the dog get the second flu shot then it’s pretty useless, hence why I want to be paid back for it, and second I would want to be paid back too if in the future the dog gets the flu and needs vet attention or any other illnesses/injuries for that matter and she’s not going to let me do what needs to be done to ensure the health of the dog.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Maybe start with if you don’t get the dog these shots then I’ll back off from paying. I used to work at a pet shop a few years back and we had a vet in the store that did these shots.
They are harmless and the number of customers that came in upset wanting another dog because theirs passed on due to not receiving their shot was hard to deal with but you just want to yell at the owner for not taking proper care.
So because you are paying for everything I’d say no you’re not the jerk for wanting the dog to be in the best health.” StirFRYS
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you get a pet, you take full responsibility for a living being’s life!
Nobody loves watching their human babies get shots but they do because it’s smart and how we keep them healthy and safe. Same for our animals. You’ve taken on the brunt of pet ownership here, in every facet.
At this point, it’s more like your significant other is your child who begged for a pet and promised they’d take care of it but all the work is on you.
I admire and respect you and I’m sorry you’re getting taken advantage of here. (Also, I feel for her and her phobias. But it’s not fair to use that to justify her reactions and decisions as a pet owner.)” starrymidnights
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is supposed to be her dog. Regardless of mental illness if she can not or will not provide responsible care and maintenance for the animal, she does not need to be a pet owner.
The dog deserves better than that. I get having phobias and I get mental illness but come on… she is willing to gamble with an animal’s well-being. She is on the same level of irresponsibility as people who hoard animals.” User
Another User Comments:
“This is a mess. What matters is the dog’s health. If you want to take the high road and clear yourself of potential jerk status, just take the dog when you can to get the shot and don’t involve her.
She should still pay you back, as was the deal all along. It is unreasonable for her to expect that the dog will receive no shots due to her personal phobia, which by definition is irrational.” unc0uth
11. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Ask His Female Coworker To Stop Calling Him "Dad"?
“Yesterday my husband and I were in the car when he got a call from one of his coworkers, I will refer to her as Clara. My husband’s phone was connected to our car audio so I could hear their conversation and I was surprised that Clara called my husband ‘Dad’.
She greeted him with ‘Hi Dad’ when they started and she ended the call with ‘Thanks Dad’.
I asked my husband why Clara called him Dad and he told me that it began years ago when someone in their office said that their personalities and mannerisms are so similar that Clara could have been my husband’s daughter.
Clara started calling him ‘Dad’ and my husband said he refers to Clara as his ‘kid’ in the office.
I told my husband that I’m not comfortable that another woman is calling him ‘Dad’ because it’s what I’ve been calling him since we had our son sixteen years ago, and he should tell Clara to stop calling him that.
But my husband said that I’m overreacting and blowing things out of proportion. He said it would make things awkward if he tells Clara to stop now because she has called him Dad for years, and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with that because he and Clara are both half Filipino and apparently in Filipino culture it’s not unusual for someone to call an older guy ‘Dad’ (I forgot the Filipino term) even if they’re not related.
Am I really overreacting here?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can understand how that may be uncomfortable from your perspective, but also given the time that it’s been going on and the cultural reasons, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with it.
It feels unusual to you and so you did the adult thing and talked about it with your husband rather than just sulking about it. But ultimately I think it is harmless and there is no reason for it to be stopped IMO.
Be honest with your husband about how you feel weird, but this seems like something you could learn to live with.” climbfp
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I get maybe this makes you uncomfortable, OP, but is this really that big of a deal?
I mean is it really something you care that much about that this is a hill you’re willing to die on?
It’s not my life though, it’s your call. Maybe this is a bigger deal to you and it’s worth having more arguments over.
But to me, this seems like something super minor compared to other worse scenarios that could have been happening between your husband and co-worker in an alternate timeline. Hope you’re able to work things out!” Pure_Cup
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re entitled to your feelings naturally, they are not invalid. I can see how it’d be weird for you for someone outside your family to say Dad.
But it does sound like this has been happening for years without any issue and it might actually have some grounding in their shared cultural background. You can’t just demand that he tell a coworker how to do something or not to do something all of a sudden.
If this causes him no discomfort, that’s also a perspective he’s entitled to.” DorothyZbornaksArmy
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
While it may be weird for you, this is a ‘workplace’ joke.
It IS also a cultural thing. I work with plentyyy of Filipinos. Every Filipina will call one of the older male coworkers ‘Kuya’ (older brother). I also have a work ‘momma’ and she calls me one of her daughters.
It would be really awkward if all of a sudden he has to say, ‘I’m sorry Clara but my wife heard you call me Dad and doesn’t like it. Please stop.’ Then guess what?
You’re going to be the witch wife. I’d let it slide and just trust your husband.” syphone
10. AITJ For Not Giving Back The Tip?
“I’m a 19-year-old girl working a drive-thru window. Today I had a customer come through, a guy about my age, and when he got to the window he was acting squirrelly and nervous while I transacted him.
I give him his drink, give him his food and he hands me a $20 bill and says it’s for me and not to put it in the tip jar or split it with my coworkers.
I said thank you, that it would be put towards books for my community colleges classes. We weren’t busy being around 1:30 pm and he started asking me questions, what am I studying?
Do I live nearby? How old am I? I answered vaguely because he really doesn’t need to know anything about me. Then he asked me if I’d go out with him.
He’s not my type and even if he was I would never go out with someone who asked out a person who was working, that’s rude and awkward for everyone.
I very kindly told him that his offer was sweet but it wasn’t going to happen. He asked me again and I once again told him no, I won’t go out with you.
I was a little peeved by this point and had a customer coming around the store to use the drive-thru and he kept pressing, asking me what I thought was wrong with him, telling me he’s always getting rejected. I told him I had to go and the answer was no.
Then he told me to give him the $20 tip he gave me back. He said if I wasn’t going to go out with him then he wasn’t going to let me keep it.
The headset beeped, I was uncomfortable and verging on tears of frustration, it has been a long day. I told him to leave and shut the window, locked it, and turned off the sensor so it wouldn’t open.
He stayed at the window while I took the other customer’s order, staring at me. Finally, I cracked the window and told him if he didn’t leave I was going to call the cops.
He drove off, threw his middle finger up out of the window as he drove off.
Later on when we were cleaning, someone came back and had thrown something nasty at the front door.
I can’t prove it was him because the camera didn’t catch it but it feels too coincidental to me.
Was I a jerk for not giving back the tip to a creepy guy who asked me out?
Wanted to add, I reported the incident to my boss and turned in the $20.00. I couldn’t keep it, makes me feel strange. So it’s in an envelope in the cash office, my boss was totally cool about it, has my back.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ –
Even as a guy with little experience this sounds very creepy, he broke 2 common rules at the same time.
Don’t buy a partner, whether it’s money like now or something else at stake it sounds like a bad movie villain thing to do.
Don’t ask out someone who is working. Flirting a little is okay to see if it is mutual but cross that line in a private setting.
If I were you I would have called the manager much sooner than you did, having someone with authority backing you up is much safer and less stressful.” pieterhulsen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! He wanted to have the money back bc you weren’t interested?? I was a cashier for a few years and this one customer would routinely give me gifts (not allowed but I was broke and it was his money).
For graduation, he gave me $125 and I figured – hey there’s something to help w my loan payment. People are weird and whatever their intentions are does not affect what you do w the gifts they give.
He’s creepy and gross and clearly unstable lol.” -littlekipper-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d have considered it his jerk tax since he clearly intended to use it to leverage you into going out with him.
And that’s assuming he was just an awkward jerk who doesn’t know how to talk to women. He could also have been a predator or a psychopath. Don’t be afraid to be firm and forceful with guests like that; if your boss ever doesn’t have your back it’s not a job worth keeping.” murdocjones
9. AITJ For Not Letting My Coworker Play His Music?
“My coworker – who is not on my team and doesn’t even report to the same person – is at his desk 3 out of 5 days of the week playing music through his cell phone.
He says music is his ‘lifeline.’ This isn’t about it being bad music. I like all music. My job is hard. It requires a lot of focus for problem-solving.
I know some people may be handling that better with music. I don’t. Because I listen to music instead of focusing on my work. I can handle office chatter – music is entertaining enough I listen instead of working.
I probably have ADD – but I’m not paying American healthcare prices to deal with it when I am functioning just fine everywhere else in life.
The music drives me mad.
There are two other people in the area who can hear it and I can’t tell if they really don’t care or would rather avoid the drama. After 6 months I have started asking him to either turn it off or put on headphones.
Now, this has been a fight 3 days a week for just over 2 months. And he has made it clear I am the office baddie. I am making him hate his job.
He says mean things when I am in earshot. I’ve thought about going to HR but to me, this is such a stupid thing to have so much drama over.
This is exactly why headphones were invented!
He turns it down super low. But then the high-pitch guitar sounds leak into my cube and it sounds like someone buffing a window for 9 hours.
He has offered to let me pick the music every other day. BUT I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO ANY MUSIC.
He asked me to buy noise-canceling headphones. I told him he can buy a good pair for me!
He can play whatever he wants if it means I get $100 pair of headphones out of the deal! But I don’t really want to spend the money when I already have my good-enough earbuds for running.
Today he brought in a box of earplugs for me. I asked if he could just put on headphones. Headphones are uncomfortable for him. Not my problem! Earplugs are uncomfortable for me!
I don’t want to wear them! If he wants to listen to music it’s on him to find a solution that doesn’t impact his coworkers! He thinks I am the worst person in the world and can’t wait until the day I am no longer with the company.
Which sucks to hear cause I really like my job.
My friends say he is the jerk but they are really good friends so, of course, they would take my side.
Maybe I’m jealous cause he has such a rad lifeline and mine is my salary so I can pay rent and buy food.
Am I the jerk who needs to find some chill?”
Another User Comments:
“If music was so extremely important to him I would expect even more initiative to get headphones. The sound from the phone speaker is distorted and high-pitched with no bass to speak of.
Any music playing directly from the phone is nothing but annoying to everyone, except apparently the one playing it. It’s entitlement and nothing more. We get these guys in my city on the bus going to school, blasting noise at 7 in the morning.
They look and sound like morons and morons need guidance or else they will mess your day up. I have no problem telling them to keep it down. Why don’t we ever see adults needing music so much that they blast it for everyone to hear from their phone?
Because it is not about the music at all, if it were, these people would be wearing giant high-fidelity headphones and blasting boomboxes, not their phones. And I’m only 30, don’t ok boomer me please.
NTJ.” unbeshooked
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I can’t imagine playing music in an office environment. I feel like a jerk if I accidentally leave my volume on and music plays for like 20 seconds when I unplug my headphones.
Talk to your supervisor, it’s kind of on them to deal with the situation, or raise it with his boss.
On a more practical note, he could get the bone conductivity headphones – if it really is his lifeline it would be worth the investment.
Sidebar on the flippant ADHD comment –
Your co-worker is being the jerk and it is unreasonable that you have to be the one to adjust, notwithstanding, buy a pair of Bose QC headphones.
They’ll solve both your problems and make your life much easier. You don’t have to listen to music, you can play white noise or instrumentals or nothing. More and more employers are buying them for people in open offices so you could always ask (especially if others like having music on).
If you actually are diagnosed they would be a very reasonable accommodation. They truly are one of my most valued possessions.
One of the key assessment criteria for ADHD is performing well below your potential. If that’s the case, you probably wouldn’t feel like ‘you’re doing just fine’ – if you’re lucky you might feel like you’re doing okay but you’re unable to really thrive no matter what you do.
If there’s a meaningful gap, closing that gap will have an impact on your career that will more than pay for the cost of treatment.” leafsfansince68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Office etiquette 101: don’t cook fish in the microwave, and use headphones for music or online meetings.
The fact that he told YOU to buy noise-canceling headphones for HIS music tells you how self-centered he is.
If he is actually concerned about missing a call or someone not hearing him, he can sacrifice the music.
You should take it higher up though. He’s adversely impacting your ability to do your job.” sukinsyn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is absurd. I am one of those people who needs music to concentrate (and ADD, actually), and never in a million years would I expect to be able to play music on my phone in an office.
The answer is so totally and unequivocally that he needs headphones.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. He needs to realize that there is definitely no right to listening to music at work and that having headphones is common decency.
If he goes on public transport does he just blast his music out because ‘headphones are uncomfortable’? Definite jerk. If he doesn’t listen I probably would mention it to HR.” Nutrientmoth
8. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Husband's Last Name And Keeping My Ex-Husband's?
“My husband and I have been together for five years, married for 2.5. When we got married I did not take his last name.
I was upfront with him and told him prior to us getting married that I would not be changing my last name. In my mind, I built an almost 20-year career, graduated with two degrees, and raised my daughter with my last name.
I was a single mother for eight years before I met him, and I have the same last name as my daughter.
To compromise, I changed my name on social media to his so most people think I did change it (even some family members).
Professionally and financially I still go by my ex-husband’s last name. (We share a daughter who looks nothing like me, so part of the reason I kept his last name after our divorce is being of custodial reasons.
The other part is because I was already ten-plus years into my career with his last name. We married when I was 18.)
My husband is all sorts of annoyed about it.
But today he got even madder because my mother called me by my maiden name. I corrected her and said, ‘no, my name is x.’ (My legal name, not his last name which I use on social media).
He is so mad right now that he is refusing to speak to me.
Am I the jerk here? I was upfront about my desire to not change my last name.
It’s so frustrating to me because he says that I have an ‘awful mindset’ about this. I feel like being this upset about it means he doesn’t care about my identity and sees me as a possession.
I feel like a possession to him. We have joint accounts, have bought a home together, and have a son who has his last name (and coincidentally is the spitting image of me).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have been completely upfront with him the entire time about this topic. He made the decision to marry you knowing you were not willing to change your last name.
Even though your last name is technically your ex-husband’s, you’ve had it for over half of your life (and your entire adult life), so of course, it has become a part of your adult identity.
Presumably, your husband would never consider changing his last name to match his wife’s, so this is just a patriarchal expectations thing. Your husband would probably be reacting poorly like this even if you still had your maiden name.
He needs to interrogate his reactions and find a way to work around them. Encourage him to process this and create a strategy that doesn’t involve you having to give up your adult identity (plus I can only imagine how it would make your daughter feel).” FlowFields
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I wish people wouldn’t keep referring to surnames as being owned by men. If you changed your surname the first time you got married, then that surname is now YOURS.
It doesn’t belong to the ex. What you call yourself is your decision only. Own it.
You have very valid reasons for keeping your name that you have built a reputation upon and share as a bond with your child.
I was also married young and changed my surname, had a child then divorced. I will be remarrying soon and absolutely understand the decision you had to make and the pros and cons of both keeping and changing your name.
I applaud you for doing what feels right to you and sticking by it.” sharkieclarkie
Another User Comments:
“For a moment I thought I sleep wrote this… Then I got to the end and was like, my husband doesn’t give a damn that we have a different name.
The problem is everyone else assuming we have the same name.
I was married at 19, widowed with 3 kids by 24. My (current) husband took in a broken single mom and helped me become an amazing woman and mother.
We were together 15 years before we married. When we did, I kept my 1st husband’s last name. I did try to go back to my maiden name, but the state I’m in actually requires divorce documents, a judicial decree, or a legal name change to do just that.
I said forget it. My children have this name. I will keep it. For perspective, my mom and I had different names. I looked nothing like her. She practically carried my birth certificate around to prove she was my mother.
I didn’t want that for my kids, even if they are practical clones.
When my husband and I got married, I had just finished nursing school. Had just gotten my license.
I’d take his name in a heartbeat, even tho I don’t care for it, and I was going to after the kids were grown and out of school. After looking up the process and what I have to go through, then at every renewal would need to repeat?
Nope. I just can’t. That isn’t even to mention that I’m rather attached to this name. It has NOTHING to do with my first husband, and it’s nothing against my husband, but rather my own sense of self-identity.
My husband understands this.
NTJ.” venakri
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have a friend who got remarried a couple of years ago. So, second marriage, third last name. Things did not end well with her ex and they have a pretty young kid (~9).
She was really antsy to change her name as soon as legally possible to her new husband’s last name because of all the negative memories from her terrible first marriage but she was still pretty bummed about everything she would be losing for doing it (not having the same name as her kid, years invested into her career as ‘Friendy McExlastname’, all her licenses, etc.
Hearing her talk about what a massive undertaking it was to correct and update everything professionally and legally (and emotionally) made me realize that when you change your name you always lose something.
Even if you’re replacing it with something objectively better there is still a loss involved.
You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to change the literal name that you identify with according to the constantly changing desires of others (not saying that people are wrong for having desires).
It just feels very cruel to expect someone to treat their own identity as something temporary that they borrowed.” User
Another User Comments:
“My mom legally hyphenated her name (exname-married name) and uses the former professionally and in the community.
Her married name is most often used in formal invitations to family events because everyone knows her by exname, but it still shows she made a compromise. She also gets to share part of her last name with my youngest sibling, which helped when he was going through school.
I kept my maiden name for my first marriage and changed it when I married my husband. What a pain in the butt. I’m still finding things under my maiden name.
I thought for a long time about it because my maiden name had been my only identity my whole life. I ultimately decided to change it for a few reasons: it would help me professionally, it would make him happy, I would have the same name as our future-but-now-present child, and tbh it sounds soo much better.” maggiemillymollymay
7. AITJ For Not Finding A Higher Paying Job?
“My husband and I are in our mid-20s and are fortunate to make a good amount combined. However, my husband has been asking me to look for another job because my company notoriously underpays.
With my experience, if I found a similar role in another company I would likely be making at least 10-20k more. However, I love my job! It is really fulfilling work, I love my team, and the learning/growth opportunities are great (even if they don’t come with a great salary).
Also, we are making more than enough currently to live comfortably and have a good amount of savings too. I don’t see our quality of life changing that much if I did make more; I think we’d just be saving more.
The reason I sort of feel like the jerk is that my husband makes over double what I do because he chose a high-paying business career. He loves his job as well, so it isn’t like he is struggling through the day just to provide for us.
But it does feel unfair for me to be contributing so much less than he does.
AITJ for not wanting to look for a higher paying job?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you guys are financially OK and you both are happy at your jobs, you basically have the ideal situation. I think he has no idea how much having that good situation affects the happiness and the quality of the marriage.
At various points throughout my 11-year marriage, either my husband or I have had jobs that pay well but make us entirely miserable. We have both made job moves that we regret.
The exhaustion and stress from an awful job absolutely make everyone unhappy at home.
If you decide to switch jobs for more earnings, you will need to be very, very careful about where you go.
Getting paid more to work in the underworld will not make you happier, as I have learned.” CoffeeCat77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/ There is so much more to a job than money.
The benefits of a (potentially) garbage job almost never outweigh the cost to your life/soul.
I’ve had a well-paying job that was garbage, and I currently have a job that I love in which I’m underpaid.
Like you, my life is good, I’m happy, and I’m not struggling financially, and those are more important than putting extra funds in the bank. And who knows what could change in a few years, maybe it will be time to look for something else in a more organic way instead of a money-hungry way.” fastandfunky
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I think your husband is concerned that you are being underpaid. I think that he, as a driven person, thinks that, with how good you are at your job, you deserve more than what they’re giving you.
You both have valid points. It does not hurt to have additional income as well.
I went thru the same argument with my husband. In the end, we reached a compromise.
I did not leave my job but I expressed to my superior that I wanted to step up my responsibilities and aim for a higher job level and I want a raise.” mangoong13
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I can see where he is coming from hoping to increase your earning potential. But if you are happy in your position, love your co-workers, and are fulfilled where you are that could easily be worth the 10k to 20k salary increase.
It also is supported by the fact that you are comfortable with your current combined income.” the_wildman18
6. AITJ For Not Giving The 911 Dispatcher My Info?
“As everyone knows, all modern smartphones have a built-in emergency call feature on the lock screen of the phone where you can call 911 even if the phone is locked. Mine is particularly sensitive.
The day before yesterday my five-year-old got ahold of my phone and started playing on the lock screen. In addition to locking me out of my phone for an inconvenient period of time, my five-year-old also managed to call 911.
I could hear a 5-year-old talking to someone so I came from the kitchen and took the phone, asked who was there, the caller was identified as a 911 dispatcher for our county.
I apologized and explained that my kid had managed to dial them, we were fine, there was no emergency, it was a misdial and I would have a talk with my child about not playing with cellphones and not dialing 911.
They asked for my address so they could send a squad out to check on me for verification.
I know they were just doing their jobs but I was about to leave for the afternoon, there wouldn’t be anyone there, and we didn’t need police assistance.
I know misdials to 911 are annoying and often life-threatening in the event that all operators are taking calls but in the past when I’ve accidentally misdialed (back in the landline/primitive mobile phone days) they’ve just taken my name and hung up, no police were sent to my location.
But this dispatcher kept pushing the issue. She really wanted to send a couple of cops to my residence.
Once again I explained to her that we were not having an emergency, there was no danger or medical emergency at my residence, we were perfectly fine, my child simply misused my unsupervised phone, and I would not accept having police sent to my residence.
Then I hung up. They didn’t call back, nor did anyone for the next few hours. Cops were never sent to my location.
Like I said, I know she was just doing her job but I had to tell her three or four times that it was my kid playing with my phone, they made a mistake, I would talk to them about the misuse of phones, and it wouldn’t happen again.
When I mentioned this to my spouse they said I should have given our address to the dispatcher and let the cops come. I see that as a waste of the police department’s valuable time.
Was I a jerk for not giving my address to the cops?
Edit: my brother and my father were/are 911 dispatchers as well and they both have said that if it was truly a mistaken deal that I wouldn’t risk criminal charges.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not about criminal charges, it’s about the possibility a child dialed 911 because their mother was abusing them and then the mother got ahold of the phone.
It’s about the possibility that you have grabbed this phone from another woman and are pretending there are no issues. The dispatcher was trying to do her job, and you didn’t let her.
Police don’t roll up with lights blazing for this kind of call, but if there was a car in the area it wouldn’t have been some vast waste of departmental resources to stop by your house.
I’m surprised you didn’t hear exactly this from your brother and your father tbh.” gnomilio
Another User Comments:
“Totally YTJ. Cell phones do not have street addresses locked in like landlines did/do.
Many, many, many lives have been lost because the operator was not able to get a physical address. I just read last week where someone died while speaking with the 911 operator because that person, having been in some kind of accident, was unable to tell the operator where she/he was.
In the 911 operator’s head, you could have been the bad guy. She was just doing what she could to mitigate things. If your husband and Dad are 911 operators, I would think you knew that.
The time you took to not give it to her because you were running late, was enough time to give your address and explain that no one would be home.
Yours was a harmless situation but 911 did not know that.” gobsmacked247
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. My 8-year-old actually did this last week at 2:30 in the morning while listening to an audiobook on my old phone.
I stayed on the line and confirmed it was an accident and no assistance was necessary. They took my name and address but no one was dispatched to check on us.
The 911 guy just laughed as my son happily yelled ‘Hi!’ into the phone next to me while I explained what happened. They shouldn’t have needed to send anyone but I would error on giving your address and just letting them know you wouldn’t be home” Gwendolynftw
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I worked emergency services and we have seen abuse cases where the calls were like this. The child dials, the parent takes the phone and insists everything’s fine.
We always managed to get someone out there anyway. NOT saying that was the case for you. But it’s the case for many others. You could open a can of worms for this, just fyi.
To add, my 3-year-old got the house phone and somehow managed to call 911. (She snuck it into her room while I was cooking). When I came back the dispatcher said she told him I was cooking and he still wanted to send a squad car to check.
Yes, it was an inconvenience BUT at least they knew it wouldn’t have been something worse they could have prevented.” User
People dial 911 because they are in some kind of danger and their attacker/abuser/perpetrator gets ahold of the phone and insists “everything is fine” and then the person ends up dead.
Either keep your phone away from your kid or the next time the kid dials 911, let them do their damn job.
5. AITJ For Calling Out A Mom Who Lets Her Child Chug Parmesan Out Of The Shaker?
“I was in Chicago last week while my sister was in town visiting, and while we were having lunch at Navy Pier we were sitting next to a late 20s/early 30s mother/caregiver and her young child, maybe 2 years old.
We were minding our business eating our overpriced deep dish pizza (delicious btw) but the three of us (my SO was also with us) couldn’t help but notice the two of them because the woman didn’t look up from her phone for most of the time they were there.
Props to the kid, very well-behaved toddler, not fussy, no yelling. We all appreciated that. But then we were getting ready to leave. We had noticed that the toddler was holding what looked like a sippy cup and was throwing it back for several minutes, but when we started to get up my SO realized that it wasn’t a sippy cup, it was the restaurant’s parmesan shaker.
We got up to go, put on our jackets, and as we left I got her attention and said, ‘it’s freaking disgusting that you’re letting her put her mouth all over that.’ I still feel bad for swearing but we are in the middle of a potential global health crisis, I couldn’t not say something.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, if you didn’t tell an employee what happened.
A similar thing happened to me recently. I was eating brunch with my mom, and a table next to us had a dad (staring at his phone) and his child (old enough to know better, I think).
I watched as the kid put his germy little mouth all over the lid of the sugar pourer, practically drinking the sugar. Dad was absorbed in his phone and either never noticed or decided it wasn’t worth stopping.
I probably should have said something to the dad, but instead I just quietly told the server to make sure they sanitized that table’s sugar and told her what happened. She was very thankful, as she is an immuno-compromised individual.
If you didn’t inform the restaurant, nothing will be done to fix it, compromising others.” xylia13
Another User Comments:
“Next time, pull the waitress or someone who works there aside and let them know what you just saw so they can pull it from the table after they leave.
This happened to me when I was a hostess. A couple let me know on their way out that the kid at the table next to them was drinking from the ketchup bottle like it was a baby bottle.
The couple and I laughed about it and agreed it was super gross and they left. After the ketchup kid and his parents left I cleared their table, dumped out the bit of ketchup he didn’t drink, and gave the empty bottle to the dishwasher.
No parents were shamed in the process and I had a gross story to tell the back of house. I’m sure I don’t even need to tell you that you could have sent the same message with far kinder words.” taches_de_rousseur
Another User Comments:
“I worked in food service for over a decade, longer than I’ve been a parent. I’ve definitely seen my share of awful and great when it comes to children in restaurants, and this is nothing in the long run.
Even your best attempts to make a meal go smoothly with kids (and it sounds like this was harming absolutely no one until the easily fixed parm incident) can have a hiccup.
Cut the mom some slack, kids are sneaky, and even by OP’s admission, this one was behaving great! OP could have politely pointed it out to the mom or the staff.
All they’d have to do is empty the shaker and run it to the dish pit sanitize, refill, done.
You could bring all the toys from home in the world, and they can still zero in on the new thing on the table.
Curiosity is how we learn, it’s normal.” User
Another User Comments:
“I worked in restaurants for a while and there are generally 2 groups of parents:
Those when they sit down immediately remove everything from the reach of their child.
(And usually bring their own toys/entertainment)
When they sit down hand their child the salt and pepper shakers or the sugar caddy to ‘play with.’
Accidents can happen but a cheese shaker shouldn’t even be in the reach of a toddler at a restaurant.
A restaurant seems like the last place you get to ‘take a break’ from your kid. There are sharp utensils, hot drinks, glass, people carrying things moving swiftly.” ExtraDebit
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My 9-Year-Old To Quit His After School Activity?
“So Wife and I have a 9-year-old (just turned 9).
He had trouble with being bullied when he was at another school, he’s very anti-social, an introvert, only child and so I thought it was a good idea to sign him up for Karate.
It’s been a month and I signed a year commitment after he said how much he loved it. Every class he goes to he has a lot of fun.
The class is great, his sensei is very kind, fun, and engaged with the children.
However, the class is 4 times a week. And that’s where the problems begin. Our son has every electronic device you can think of, iPhone, every gaming console, and spends all his time on games and YouTube after school.
We just got him an iPad and Apple Pencil because he likes to draw and thought that would be a good device to get him to stay off the games.
Now that he’s a month into Karate he wants to quit. The reason being is because it cuts into his gaming time when he gets home. It’s especially annoying to him because karate is an hour after class gets out.
My wife the other day said out loud to where our son heard that karate is too many days. It’s 4 days but 45 mins each time. I don’t think that’s such a big deal but I could be wrong?
After she said that, the very next day he said he doesn’t want to do it anymore. He doesn’t want to do it because he sees it cutting into his gaming and screen time.
This is especially after we set his iPhone to disable after 7 pm and after 8 we usually get him ready for bed.
My wife is okay with him quitting and I’m not.
She says she doesn’t want to force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. She’s worried he will resent us and to an extent, I agree.
But our son has a great life, he’s spoiled enough for 5 kids. I told her I don’t think we should let him dictate this decision, especially considering the only reason he wants to quit is so he can be lazy at home.
I think a little discomfort isn’t such a bad thing. Keep in mind he gives up on almost anything he’s not immediately good at, which I understand most kids do.
But this is something entirely different.
She thinks that I’m being ridiculous for wanting him to stay. I told her I’m okay with him quitting under two circumstances, one being we don’t allow him to play any games or watch YouTube for an hour after school and he only gets 90 minutes of gaming/YouTube during the week and we double it on the weekends.
The second option is we find him another activity he would do to keep him busy and active and once we sign him up he can quit if he still wants to.
He suggested basketball but when we looked into that before we signed him up for karate all the leagues started and we’d have to wait for the summer and he knows that.
AITJ? Am I being unreasonable? I don’t think I am but I feel bad because the wife is really upset with me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I would explain to him that while you understand this may not be something he currently wants to do, he made a year-long commitment to it when he signed up.
If at the end of the year he still doesn’t want to do it, that’s okay and you guys can look into a different activity instead.
I would definitely mention looking into another activity after the year so he knows he has to find something else he might enjoy as opposed to doing nothing.
Also, is there a possibility to add another activity in the summer when he’s out of school? One that he might enjoy more? I know there are kids’ art classes and things if that’s something he’d like.
It could be incentive to stick to the karate commitment for the year if he gets to do something else too in the summer.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I think forcing him to tough it out for an entire year might be excessive though?
He’s pretty young. Maybe a couple of months to half a year is a more reasonable time frame.
I love the compromise of a different after-school activity. If he’s previously had trouble being bullied, and if he doesn’t have many friends yet, then it’s especially important he has time to socialize with different kids outside of school.
Removing him from extracurricular activities altogether is a bad move. It’s so important to help kids learn discipline, how to graciously win/lose, the enjoyment that comes with working hard and accomplishing something, etc., etc.
If he somehow ends up staying home, I would absolutely push for no screen time during that hour.
I say this as the kid who played too many games and didn’t learn how to relate to people very well.
I wish my parents had forced me into more activities when I was young.” eternal-harvest
Another User Comments:
“Eh, I’m going to go with ‘no jerks here’. As a kid, my parents enrolled me in sports for years, and at first, I really enjoyed it…until I didn’t anymore.
But I faked it because I knew how much it meant to them. Can’t say that’s what’s happening here, if your child is saying he is no longer interested in doing karate you shouldn’t force it.
That said, your concerns about his amount of screen time and wanting him to be active are valid. I wouldn’t say forcing him into another activity would be the way to go, but make it clear to him that if he wants to quit karate there will not be a change in the amount of screen time he gets.
Explain that he will be spending time doing more active things, such as playing basketball/riding his bike/etc. If he still wants to quit given those parameters, let him.
Then set limits and stick to them.” zygomaticarchnemesis
Another User Comments:
“I get it. I have friends that grew up with a crappy childhood. Don’t want their kids to feel that way.
I know I was lucky. We didn’t have a lot when I was a kid. I am the oldest and my mom was 27 and my dad was 29 when I was born.
So pretty stable and I’m gen X. They were both silent generation. My grandparents lived through the dust bowl and the depression. I know my perspective is different. Growing up most of my peers’ parents were 10 years younger.
So my parents were strict. But fair. And we had fun times too. To be fair I was annoyed at them more than once during childhood and teens. But didn’t hate them as an adult.
Had problems with mom later but that was more about her disease. They are both gone. I get about the heart thing. The only advice I can give is if the child doesn’t develop those specific stages as a child it’s much harder during teen or young adult years.
Maybe a compromise. 6 months.” Angela_G_ICT
3. AITJ For Buying My Daughter A Nicer Car Than Her Step-Sister?
” “My ex and I split after she had an affair and married the guy. We have three kids together m(15), f(16), and m(5). Ex’s husband has a daughter from a previous relationship who’s also 16 and has two kids with my ex (M12, F9).
After the divorce, I came into some money and used it to start a business and it took off. Last year I sold my business and I can now afford to spoil the kids.
I enrolled the kids in private school. My ex was upset about how her husband’s kids would feel but she wasn’t going to take away an opportunity from her kids.
Ex’s husband was upset but it’s not like he could do anything about it. The most recent issue revolves around my daughter’s birthday.
My daughter and her step-sister have the same exact birthday so my ex and her husband decided that they were going to share their 16th birthday party.
I call my daughter just to check in on her and her siblings and she informs me of the news. She said she was a little disappointed but was okay with it.
I talked with my ex and her husband. I got them to let me have the kids before the party. So I put into action my three-week plan of making my little girl feel special on her 16th birthday.
On the day of the party, I pick up the kids from my ex’s house. First I take them to their grandparents for breakfast. I left the boys with my dad and had my mom take us to Neimans so we could shop for the boys while my daughter picks out something to wear to the party and a few things for her wardrobe.
I then have my mom take us to a vinyl wrapping place that has my daughter’s new (read 2010) champagne BMW 650i. I let my daughter drive back to my parents’ house and we get changed and head to my daughter’s favorite restaurant for lunch.
We sing happy birthday and then she drove us to the party. Now obviously pulling up to a party in a pink convertible got a little attention. My ex looked mad but kept it to herself for the moment.
After catching up with a few people my ex and her husband side-barred me and told me that they were going to surprise the girls with a car.
Ex’s husband had a contracting business and he was going to give the girls his old lariat to share.
I told them that now they don’t have to share. The big reveal happened and my ex’s husband surprised his daughter with his truck. A little while after I got home from the party.
My ex shows up at my condo in tears. Apparently, her step-daughter felt that she was being treated unfairly that my daughter gets a convertible while she gets a truck.
Her husband then yelled at her (the only other time that happened was when he found out about our youngest). He told her she needs to get me under control and I need to stop one-upping him.
He also said some not nice things and that made her leave and go over to my place. My ex says she wishes that I talked to her first.
They’re working it out now but apparently, there’s a rift between my daughter and her step-sister.
AITJ?
To answer some faqs: M5 is the product of the one-night stand between my ex and me while she was married to her husband. I anticipated that my ex’s step-daughter was getting the lariat because I gave her dad the idea.
Also, a common misconception is that my daughter’s car is a nicer one than her step-sister’s. It isn’t – my daughter’s car is a couple of thousand dollars cheaper. Trucks maintain their value, luxury sports vehicles do not.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, for your part though, if you’re going to co-parent the very least you can do is communicate with the other parent. If you insist on getting your child a car, you should discuss it with her mother.
You set this off and I can’t help but think you did this as a side jab at your ex’s new husband because you probably knew how this was going to implode and you made sure to do it in front of others.
Likewise, if they were planning on letting the girls share a car as a birthday present, that’s also something they should have told you about. If the three of you had decided to talk like adults you could have avoided an entire spectacle, one where the person who looks like the biggest fool is a 16-year-old girl who’s presumably never done anything to you.
I mean I’m honestly sitting here trying to think of how anyone would come up with this ‘three-week plan’ and not think about how it would make another child feel like trash.
You know that right? They’re sharing a party and you make sure your daughter pulls up in a brand new BMW?
No one’s saying you have to buy a child that’s not yours a car, but come on man, you knew that was going to hurt her stepsister, you knew it was going to make her father look like a loser, is that why you really did it or do you really not have any tact?
You said you wanted your daughter to feel special on that day, you could have done that without making another 16-year-old girl, who has just as much right to feel special, feel inadequate at a party where everyone gets to witness it.” SConn5
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Blended families are usually way more effort than they are worth truth be told. Does it come off like you really enjoyed rubbing everyone’s nose in you getting your daughter the way bigger gift?
A smidge. As a divorced mom, I can totally relate, however. You have every right under the sun to give your daughter a ‘wow’ gift for her 16th birthday gift, but by giving her the showstopper to roll up to the party in… her step-sister now will always remember how her joint birthday party immediately became all about your daughter’s new car.
And she didn’t do anything wrong so it kinda blows to make her sad or whatever at what was her party too. You probably could have waited till after the party, but what’s done is done.
I can see why your ex feels bad though.” KeeperOfTheArcane197
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You should have told your ex about the car and your plans. Your ex should have told you about the truck and her plans.
But you are not a jerk for buying the car for your daughter or spoiling your kids with other gifts. That the stepsister isn’t happy with it is not your fault and it’s on her father to tell her what he can afford to buy her – she’s not being slighted by her family in the least.
Your ex is obviously a person with issues since she is a serial liar but she doesn’t get to tell you that it’s not fair that her stepchild is angry because of what you did.
You have no place in any relationship with that girl other than she shares a home with your children.” Calm_Initial
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘no jerks here’.
As a co-parent, you should really at least discuss such an extravagant gift idea with your ex. It’s easy for you to say you are not responsible for the drama, as the parent who doesn’t have to deal with two 16-year-old girls under one roof in general let alone the aftermath of the absolute mess you have created with your gift.
You seem to have a close relationship with your ex and the families are intertwined (esp with your youngest son being the result of the one-night stand). You even gave your ex’s husband the idea for the hand-me-down truck knowing you were getting a cute convertible for your daughter… Seems like you stirred the pot a bit here and I understand why the stepdaughter is jealous and how your ex’s husband may feel inferior.
Now all that being said if the assumptions I’ve made about the family dynamics are completely off, and you have little to no communication with your ex, she nor her husband have any right to tell you what to buy your kids.
Her husband shouldn’t be making her cry over something you did (though it seems somewhat sanctimoniously).
All I can say is I feel bad for everyone and I think there needs to be better communication between all three co-parents.” heyyyyharmanoooooooo
Maybe you all should've planned a party by Father's also. Sixteen is a big deal for some people. I wouldn't worry about jerks as much as that girl felt pushed aside. She can't pay for all of your adult drama. She isn't a pawn.
This won't be a popular suggestion, but..... If she isn't normally entitled and spoiled, you might consider getting her something small like a nice little pair of birthstone earrings or a birthstone necklace (that won't turn her green) and give her a loose apology for it all making her feel bad. Point out nicely that it means she as her own vehicle this way. I only say this because she is 16 and you said you planned this for 3 weeks. I don't imagine you ever considered her feelings as much as sticking it to the adults. I'm sure she had to deal with a enough of y'all's drama 5 years ago when you all were bedhopping. I would even bet she doesn't like you very much. You would be a source of bad things in her life enough already.
If she is usually a brat, just stay out of it. Lol!
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For The iPad My Disabled Child Broke?
“My son was born with Downs syndrome and he is pretty severe. There have been so many hurdles in his development and so many accommodations I’ve had to beg for, so I already have to deal with a lot trying to tend to his needs.
That really takes time and resources, so I can’t afford to pay $1800 for something he broke because he didn’t know any better. He might be 14 but his mental capacity hasn’t caught up.
He just thought he had a toy and didn’t think of its price or build quality, which is no fault of mine, if anything something fragile like that shouldn’t have been left out in a place where there were also going to be children with the same behaviors.
Anyways my nephew (brother of my niece) was taking notes for college on his iPad (which I had no idea he had spent over a grand for, electronics are so expensive nowadays!), but he had to leave to set something up so he left it on his seat.
My son had taken an interest in the thing so he picked it up and started tapping the screen. I told him to put it down but he wouldn’t listen and I figured he couldn’t do any harm to the thing since it was in a case, so I let him be.
He starts drawing lines on the screen at first, which I wasn’t opposed to.
But then he started jabbing the screen with the pen and a split second later I heard a crack, he had driven the pen into the screen causing it to go haywire.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement.
I tried to hide it before the owner came back but he caught me in the act and stood in shock for a moment before yelling at me about how I should keep my son’s ‘(very offensive term) hands’ off of his stuff, which made both of us very upset with him.
I began to yell back at how my son needed to be forgiven because he didn’t know what he was doing, and I’ve had to provide so much for him so my nephew had no right to call my son what he did, and in fact, it was his fault that he left such a thing out in the open, but he didn’t want to hear it and said he will be expecting reimbursement for damaged property or else he would ‘let me have it’.
I told him good luck with that and packed up my stuff and left because I wasn’t having it. I hope our family alienates him for calling my son such a despicable thing.
He wants me to pay him nearly $1800. Which I will resist because of the way he acted towards my son.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: Massively. Why should a kid in college have to suffer because your child destroyed their property?
You saw him playing with something that did not belong to him, and you did not take it away. You then tried to hide it. You’re liable for the damage your child caused. Your child having a disability is no excuse.
Also, he called your son a name after your son broke his iPad and you tried to hide it. It doesn’t make it okay, but that’s not a justification for your son destroying someone’s property and you trying to hide it to get out of responsibility.
That’s so shady, and such a trashy example you’re setting for any child. You don’t get to not pay him for the property your child destroyed because you don’t like his reaction.
Was it trashy? Yes. But you were irresponsible, tried to hide the result of your irresponsibility, and now are refusing to pay for the result. You seem very dishonest.” falalalalaw
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, holy cow. You ‘couldn’t have known’ your son being aggressive with an expensive electronic could damage it? No, you could have. I have a child with Down Syndrome, and it does take extra care and preparation to take her to social functions, but I don’t let my normally developing daughter play with other people’s phones or tablets, and I don’t let my daughter with Down Syndrome, either.
I bring them both their own things to occupy themselves if things are boring, I enforce rules and boundaries that I set, and I leave with them if they are not able to cooperate with reasonable expectations.
This is basic parenting no matter what the child’s abilities.” magicbeen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Mostly because of this: ‘I told him to put it down but he wouldn’t listen and I figured he couldn’t do any harm to the thing since it was in a case, so I let him be.’ and ‘I tried to hide it before the owner came back’.
You let your son pick up and damage something that didn’t belong to him and then you TRIED TO HIDE IT. You didn’t enforce any sense that it wasn’t his property and he shouldn’t use it/touch it without permission.
You didn’t apologize to the person who owned the device. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t know it was expensive or that he didn’t know what he was doing. You are responsible for the behavior of your child.
It wouldn’t matter if he didn’t have Down’s and broke the iPad or not.
What your nephew said was offensive and hurtful but that’s a separate issue. You allowed your son (who you know isn’t capable of nuanced understanding) to damage something that belonged to someone else and then you tried to hide it so he wouldn’t know what happened.
And honestly? You say that you don’t think they’d win in court but I suspect they would. If they were to take you to small claims court, they would have every standing to say you knew that your child had diminished capacity to understand the value of what he was playing with and that you chose to let him destroy it and then try to ‘hide’ the evidence.
And if they find this post, your case is pretty much toast.” MaggieMae68
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. This right here: ‘I told him to put it down but he wouldn’t listen and I figured he couldn’t do any harm to the thing since it was in a case, so I let him be.’ This makes you the jerk and so does the fact that you tried to hide it… like are you kidding?
How immature. This was 100% a problem that could have been avoided but for your negligence. The iPad Pro goes for about $1,500 so I don’t know where they are getting the $1,800 figure from, but that’s not really relevant because they wouldn’t be entitled to the full price of a new one but rather the reduced price of a used one depending on how old it was.
Furthermore, if it was just the screen that broke that should only be a couple of hundred dollar fix. Either way, you’re responsible for paying for it, despite the name-calling.” JuanTanamera511
1. AITJ For Punishing My Daughter And Not My Son?
“I F40 have two kids, (F14) and (M11). When I married my husband, I discovered we had vastly different lifestyles. He ate junk food, I preferred to stay healthy. Unfortunately, this has been a problem with our kids now.
My daughter eats pretty healthy, but enjoys junk food too, and is roughly five pounds overweight. (She’s 5’2 and 130 pounds, but is active.) However, my pediatrician has discussed some concerns about it and suggested placing my daughter on a diet.
My son is not a healthy eater, he only likes junk food and does not eat healthy at all but has a fast metabolism and stays underweight.
I’ve started prohibiting my daughter from eating junk food, but not my son.
My reasoning is that she needs to lose weight in order to deserve these sweets. She’s upset that her brother who eats worse/more than she does is allowed to continue eating sweets.
Her reasoning is that because he eats more than her, does not play sports just plays video games, and is unhealthier when it comes to food choices means he should also have to eat healthily.
My husband has sided with her on this but my son hasn’t. My son has told her it’s only fair because he isn’t ‘fat’. (She’s not too chubby, but there’s a bit of extra weight around her stomach.)
After this, my husband has come to me saying I need to be nicer to her and make them both eat healthy because now my daughter is self-conscious about her weight and is developing anxiety and an eating disorder.
I don’t believe him though because a medical professional didn’t diagnose her. She’s fine, at least in my opinion.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This makes me so mad.
My brother and I were the exact same growing up. He ate whatever (and still does) and he never gains weight. I look at a carrot and I gain weight despite my active lifestyle.
Your daughter is active and eats healthy with junk food in moderation and by ‘punishing’ your daughter for her weight you are creating negative self-esteem. Let me tell you from personal experience, that stuff takes a long time to recover from if ever.
You’re making your daughter feel inferior because she doesn’t have a higher metabolism. People can be healthy at all weights and sizes and your daughter needs to know that instead of having the idea in her mind that she’s only healthy if she’s what you think is thin.
You are so the jerk and I hope you apologize to your daughter and make her feel beautiful at any size. Do it for those of us whose parents didn’t.” agirlhasno-user-name
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds like you are trying to micromanage your daughter to your standards. As the mom, you are absolutely expected to make sure your children get healthy meals, but this includes your son.
Just because he isn’t overweight doesn’t mean he’s healthy. Since your daughter is around 14, isn’t it normal for her to put on a little extra weight as she is probably going to grow much stronger and taller in the next few years?
Talk about appropriate portion sizes and the importance of eating healthy, and ask your pediatrician anything. Also, try to talk to your husband about his eating habits, and try to show good examples for your kids.
They learn everything by watching you.” LaPetitFleuret
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for several reasons which I will explain below.
First, I just want to say that it’s good that you’re looking out for your daughter’s health and weight, but you should also be looking out for what your son’s eating because junk food and sugary snacks can have major effects on the body in ways other than weight gain.
From what you said in your post, it sounds like your son eats a lot of junk food (correct me if I’m wrong here). Limiting what he eats greatly reduces the chance of heart disease, stroke, or even certain cancers later in life.
You also mentioned that your husband lives a fairly unhealthy lifestyle, if obesity runs in the family, it’s probably better to prevent it. However, you did also say that your son remained underweight due to his high metabolism.
In that case, he should probably be eating larger amounts of food, but that does not have to mean larger amounts of junk food.
Second, from what you said in your post, it sounds like your daughter was eating pretty healthily with some occasional junk food or sweets (again, correct me if I’m wrong).
Your daughter is at an age where her body is still developing and hormones are all over the place. It’s normal for a teenager’s weight to fluctuate, and it’s definitely normal for teens to eat a little more junk food than usual. Unfortunately, it’s also normal for teenage girls to be a little more sensitive, and it’s easy for them to be hurt about things like this.
I’d suggest sitting her down and having a heart-to-heart about why this needs to happen, that it was never meant to insult her in any way, and that it’s what’s best for her health.” BandObsessed923
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, coming from someone who likes fitness because you’re actually not setting the environment to let it stick as a lifestyle change. You’re setting her up to fail by negatively reinforcing eating healthy.
You’re seeing a diet as a temporary change and that is the mindset that people who struggle to have a healthy relationship with food have, the ones who jump from fad diet to fad diet while not being able to let it stick.
You’re also failing your son because the results of a poor diet are cumulative, not instant, and just because his body isn’t outwardly unhealthy doesn’t mean it’s not being damaged on the inside.
He won’t know until it manifests in health conditions and women naturally hold onto more fat because of the fat they hold in their hips and breasts. Healthy men and women can have body fat % differences varying from like 7-10% even when they’re equally healthy.
Junk food and clean food for instance is kind of counterintuitive in some ways… because it’s kind of from the approach of a diet and not a lifestyle. You can literally fit nearly anything into your diet without detriment as long as you think of food as fuel for your lifestyle and body type.
If you want her to adopt that lifestyle then the junk food shouldn’t even be in the house, period, and you should be on board as a family. By alienating her in the family with this issue you’re also setting her up to have poor self-esteem or a poor relationship with food.
You need to dump the entire household’s junk food and redirect the relationship they have with junk food towards clean food, it shouldn’t be a sacrifice. For instance, if I want something clean and I haven’t had enough protein, but my body is craving something sweet, I’ll have some strawberries with some chocolate-flavored peanut butter from the PB company (it has the same sugar as peanut butter rather than Nutella which is like half sugar, and it tastes the same).
If I want some salty chips I’ll get some snack peas from my grocery store or some okra chips and eat it with ranch. They need to have a positive relationship with food, but it needs to be the right food, and the way you’re approaching it is a disservice to both your children.” j94mp
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – underweight people can have incredibly high cholesterol and nutrient deficiencies if they eat a load of junk food, and eating any excess of food, whether it’s junk food or not, causes you to put on weight – as someone who was allowed less junk food than a thinner, but nutritionally less healthy, younger sibling (I was at the top of healthy weight range as a teen) this has really caused a rift between me and my parents (who thought I was ‘fine’ too) which is still healing, and eventually led me to hurt myself – I still struggle with hating my body years later, even though I was never ‘diagnosed’ with a disorder – please don’t let this happen to your daughter – try getting them both to eat healthier, it will make your daughter feel less singled out and self-conscious.” Confused-Scientist
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!