People Utter The Most Intriguing "Am I The Jerk" Stories Ever
20. AITJ For Not Letting My Niece Be The Flower Girl At My Wedding?
“My (27F) older brother and SIL (both mid ’30s) just welcomed their first child a year and a half ago, after YEARS of trying. After many failed attempts, SIL was told that she wouldn’t be able to conceive due to a medical condition she has, and they finally got pregnant.
Since having my niece, the baby has been the center of attention at EVERY family even we’ve had since she was born. Birthdays, weddings, family get-togethers, you name it. Now don’t get me wrong I LOVE my niece, but it can get to be a little too much when my SIL goes on and on about how long they tried to conceive, complications they’ve had, miscarriages they’ve had, etc.
Like a little TOO much info. Many family members have commented on how it’s a little bit excessive, but no one has said anything because they don’t want to sound like a jerk.
Anyway, I’m getting married in the spring and my brother and SIL approached me last weekend about having my niece be the flower girl.
Now my fiancé (35M) has two children (10M and 6F) from his previous marriage. His son is one of his groomsmen while his daughter had asked to be our flower girl when we told them the news that we were getting married a year ago, as it’s something she always wanted to do, so, of course, we said yes.
So I explained this to my SIL when she asked me about my niece. She asked if my stepdaughter can just carry my niece with her. I said I don’t think she’d be comfortable with that considering she’s 6.
She then asked why I can’t give that role to my niece, and allow herself to carry my niece down as the flower girl.
I said no because I already promised my stepdaughter.
She then started going off about how my lack of effort to incorporate my niece is disgusting to her. I should ‘honor her’ in some way since I know how long and hard they tried for my niece.
Now I may sound like a jerk for this but I kind of got fed up and snapped and said
‘Incorporate my niece how? By the time the wedding comes around, she’ll be 2 years old. The ENTIRE family already knows your story about how long and hard you guys tried for her.
What more do you expect me to do to honor her?’
She started crying and said that clearly I don’t love my one and only niece and I’m ‘letting her down’. I said of course I love my niece, and obviously she’s going to be involved in pictures and stuff.
But I’m not going to let my stepdaughter down by giving my niece a role she’s too young to remember anyway.
Well now SIL and my brother are mad at me for not letting my niece be a flower girl and are running around telling the rest of the family I don’t love my niece.
My mom had been trying to stay neutral but thought my stepdaughter would understand if I explained to her I need to give that role to my niece.
I’m firm in my decision though, and my fiancé is thankful that I didn’t let his daughter down.
AITJ for not allowing my niece to be the flower girl?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let them be mad. If ever there was a time to take a stand for your stepdaughter, it is now. Without knowing her story, or how she came to be part of your life.
She’s 6 years old, and you’ve made a commitment to be in her life. The moment you make it official revolves around her as much as it does you.
You absolutely have every right to honor the stepdaughter over the niece, and these first moments as stepmom are going to cause the ripple that forms the pond that is your relationship for her whole life.
Trust me, if you back down now, and give her spot away, it’s going to ruin more than just your wedding.” CassandraArianaBlack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If they don’t understand why breaking a promise to your future stepdaughter is a bigger issue than letting your sister carry her toddler down the aisle, they’re self-centered jerks.
Point out this are you making sure your stepchildren are welcome and feel like they belong? Put your foot down HARD on this nonsense. Your niece is not more important than your stepdaughter to you, any more than your stepdaughter would not be more important than your niece to her.” BlueMikeStu
Another User Comments:
“That poor little baby.
Your SIL needs to get some counseling while the child is still young enough, or she’s going to ruin that little girl’s life with her weirdness. Entitlement, expectations, the burden of being made to feel special just for having been born.
That poor kid should get the chance to have a normal childhood. This is probably not the right time, but when this ridiculousness blows over, (hopefully) you should suggest to your brother that your SIL see a therapist about these feelings. NTJ for standing up for your soon-to-be stepdaughter. 6 is old enough for this to be an important day for her.” 4alark
19. AITJ For Changing My Parenting Habits?
“Since 3 weeks my godchild Theo (m, 11 months) lives with me and my family (fiancé and our daughter Valentine, 6 months) because his parents died in a car crash. After that tragedy, I tried my best to keep doing some of the things that my friends used to do with their son.
For example, I give both children a Babymassage before tucking them into bed at night, haven’t done that with Valentine before, but Theo was used to it from his mum, so I established it as a new ritual. Another example is the Songs I sing to them, I take turns between ‘V’s songs’ and ‘T’s songs’.
Because Theo is older and capable of things that Valentine isn’t able to do yet, his part of the ‘play zone’ is more secure and he has different toys than Valentines.
Well, that’s the point where things went down – when my aunt, uncle, and cousin visited us.
They are adamant that I treat Theo like the golden child, but that it should be the other way around because he isn’t my biological kid. I told them that I want to treat them like equals. Of cause, I will tell Theo everything about his ‘real’ parents as soon as he is capable to understand the issue, but that isn’t a reason for not raising him with the same amount of love and affection as our (till now) only biological child.
My fiancé got my back in this, saying that we haven’t shortened Valentine from anything, but enriched her with new habits, ‘rituals’, and an older brother to learn from… and actually with some new toys he shared with her. Sadly, after mentioning the family discussion to my friends, most of them don’t share our point of view but my extended families.
Now I’m insecure myself, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I’d go low contact with these family members. You aren’t treating one child better than the other, you’re just adjusting how you parent both kids. Newsflash: biologically yours or not, when people have more than one kid their parenting habits change.
And you have 2 infants under one year. Forget them, keep doing what you’re doing.
I’m glad the kid is with you and not them. Can you imagine how that child would have been neglected? ‘He isn’t my biological child so I can treat him differently sk that my bio child knows he is the better one’.” BDSM_Queen_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like your godchild is very lucky to have such a wonderful parental figure to help him adapt after such a massive loss.
Ignore those that try to judge you. You’re trying your best, you’ve taken on a whole other child forever, I wonder how many of those being judgy would have taken on such a situation and how they now would be handling it.
Both children are different ages and need different things, sounds like you’re doing an amazing job OP, much love to you as you continue to grow as a family with two wonderful and happy children.” Green-Froyo-7533
Another User Comments:
“Holy crap of course you’re NTJ.
The kid just lost both his parents, you’re a saint for doing all of these things! Keeping his rituals/habits is very good for him right now, his entire life is already changing but it’s nice to hold onto some good things from before.
He’s traumatized enough as it is.
Treating him exactly as you would your own child is precisely what you signed up for when you became his godparent. I know people sometimes get giddy and happy about becoming a godparent but it’s really not something ‘nice’. It’s a backup plan for the worst case scenario.” Tomatillo603
18. AITJ For Avoiding A Gathering I Wasn't Invited To?
“My (F45) husband (M44) has a group of friends he occasionally has over for a day of board games – like an 8-10 hour stretch. He goes to their houses to do the same. In the past, I was invited lots of the time, along with other wives/lady friends.
As we got older and kids came along, or for whatever reason, I’m not invited to participate. No other partners do, either. It’s probably been about 5 or 6 years. I’ve known these people for more than 20 years, and I like them.
I like games, too. But whatever, it’s his friend group, not mine. To be clear – I am explicitly not invited to join in.
Now, when he hosts, I try to be out of the house doing other things. When I am home, I go to a different floor of the house and just hang out by myself.
I say hi briefly when I see his friends, but I do not stick around or have longer conversations.
He asked why I am like this, with annoyance, after the last one. He says one guy’s wife is in the kitchen with them and cooks for them most of the day (she likes doing that – it’s not a weird gender role thing).
Another sits with them and chats. He says it’s awkward that I don’t do that and very clearly avoid the house entirely if I can, and then that floor if I can’t.
From my perspective, informed by a lonely childhood – I have absolutely no interest in hanging out around the edges of a social thing I am not invited to.
That seems so sad/pitiful/desperate. I kind of had enough of doing that sort of thing more than 30 years ago. I am not invited. How could I possibly tell if I am an annoyance or too much or affecting the dynamic from what they intended the dynamic to be by not having partners there?
Further, it does hurt that I had been included and now I’m not.
I really liked them and playing games. I guess that wasn’t so much mutual. I am also kind of sad that I’m not in a marriage where ‘couple friends’ are a thing. We’re friendly to each other’s friends, but he – while entirely welcome – also isn’t interested in hanging out with my friends.
Maybe that’s a rare situation for people. It’s not what he wants, and he has a right to that. But I can be sad about it. He seems to think I am therefore pouting and taking it out on him. I think if I’m not included, it’s crazy that there would be a problem with me absolutely not being there.
So tell me, am I being an awkward and rude jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would do the same thing. If I were explicitly not invited to a gathering, I would, obviously, not hang around. It sounds like your husband wants it both ways here.
He wants you ‘around’ to chat, etc. But you are explicitly not invited to take part in the entire reason for the gathering. So I’d consider him the jerk for complaining when you leave their gathering. To which you’re not invited.
If anything, I would consider it rude if I were to hang around when I’m not invited. There’s no grey area in my mind.” bmyst70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let him know that you’re respecting his choice to not invite you, but that you’d rather do something entirely different if you’re not welcome to play with them (assuming that’s actually what you’d like to do).
Also, have you tried hosting a gaming night with all of them (as couples or families) yourself? It seems odd to take such an extreme backseat to this over decades. I’m part of a very old friend group that has guys and girls activities, but we also make sure to do whole-families or couple as regularly as we can as well.” Illustrious-Shirt569
Another User Comments:
“You’re explicitly told that you are not welcome to play tabletop games with your husband and his friends? What kind of messed up crap is that? It makes it even worse that you used to be welcome and now are uninvited in your own home.
Oh God no. My husband and I both like various types of gaming, and neither one of us would ever even think of doing this. Total NTJ.
You should gather the other significant others together. Plan a gaming day of your own.
All of you tell the husbands that they need to hang out in the same room as you, cook for you, and make entertaining small talk. No disappearing to another room. No TV. No grouping together for their own conversation. They are there for you. See how he likes it.” obtusewisdom
17. AITJ For Not Letting My Kids Visit?
“I retired a few years ago and moved south of the border. I like the idea of never having to shovel snow for the rest of my life.
To begin with, I let my kids come to visit with their families. I bought a big place to entertain.
All they do, when they visit, is complain. About the beds, about the pool, about internet access. You name it I heard it. I could put up with it if it was just the kids. But it’s my kids too. And their spouses.
So the last few times they have made plans to come down I have made arrangements to meet them at a nice tourist city where they can stay in a good hotel with all the amenities.
I pay for the hotel. I can afford it and I like seeing my grandkids.
Now my kids are bugging me because I won’t let them stay at my house and just relax. They are always rushing around doing tourist stuff and the kids are on their phones all the time.
None of my other family and friends whine when they come to stay with me.
I have a pool and a dune buggy to go check out the area.
My kids think I’m being a jerk and that I should just let them visit my home.
I don’t think so. It’s my little slice of heaven and I can do without negativity there.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They seem bound and determined to just complain about everything.
Whether you have them at your house or if you pay for them to go to a nice resort. If you complain about everything that is handed to you on a silver platter, then eventually it’s going to be taken away from you.
They made their bed, and let them lie in it. You deserve your little slice of heaven and not to hear them continually complain about your house.” HistoricalFashion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re buying them a nice vacation every time they visit because they complain when you don’t.
Tell them they seem unhappy at your house and you don’t like hearing them unhappy with their accommodations, so you thought you’d step it up to avoid any negativity or disappointment. If they want to come to your house, ok, but don’t make it feel like they’d rather not be there.
Especially if that’s what they want and are asking for.” EmperorMrKitty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and great job holding your boundaries, as well as providing an amazing compromise that they STILL complained about!
You nailed it by saying you can do without the negativity. It’s your space, your say. You sound like a cool person just trying to enjoy your retirement you don’t need a bunch of people bringing in their bad attitudes!” Germanshepherdlady13
16. AITJ For Not Wanting Babies In My Room?
“I (17 F) and my mom (56 F) had a fight over what will happen at my birthday party. My birthday party is being held at my house and I have let my mom have full reign of the party, like decorations, food, cake, etc since she wanted to control that.
I agreed as I don’t even like celebrating my birthday. I had only one boundary and request and apparently, it was a selfish and malicious one according to my mom. I came here to see if I am being that as she refuses to give me a real reason as to why I am those things.
I had asked to just keep the babies out of my room or just not let them touch my stuff. Everything in my room is expensive art supplies or collectible items. I love my mom’s side of the family but they have a long history of breaking tons of my stuff I would let them borrow and it would never get replaced.
For example, they broke my Barbie dream house, multiple makeup pallets, a small claw machine, multiple dolls, and figures, stuffed animals, pillows, etc. This caused a fight and she called me selfish and malicious although that was my only request for my birthday.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You deserve to have some privacy and for your things not to be broken. If your father is around, ask him to put a locking door knob on your door before the party. If not, move absolutely everything a kid would want to touch out of the room.
Your mom is being nice by throwing the party, I guess, but it sounds like it’s for her, not you.” External-Hamster-991
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d suggest getting a locking doorknob – you can pick one up at your local hardware store or order it online.
5-10 minutes with a screwdriver and you’re done.
That being said, it sounds like your mom may be controlling and boundary stomping in which case she won’t take the lock well. So if you can safely just move your stuff instead to somewhere safe that may cause less upheaval in your life.
When you’re financially dependent on your parents you sometimes have to choose between enforcing perfectly reasonable boundaries or just not making waves until you can move out and be independent.
You’ll have to decide which is worse – the fallout from locking your room or the destruction that will be caused if you don’t.” pupperoni42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is being unreasonable.
She is the selfish and malicious one. You don’t want your stuff broken! I would buy a locking door knob and install it for use during the party. It’s a basic courtesy not to let other people’s stuff get broken. I would honestly tell your mom just to cancel it all since you don’t even want it.” HistoricalFashion
15. AITJ For Being Emotional At My Mom's Birthday Dinner?
“I (23 F) was never pretty growing up, in fact, it wasn’t until I was about 16 that boys even started to look at me. My sister on the other hand, was gorgeous, she got all the attention growing up, all the compliments, and all I’d get was ‘You’ve grown’ and ‘Wow you and your sister look too different’, this took a huge toll on my mental health and it only took until middle school for boys in my year to start pointing out how unattractive I was.
When I was 15 I finally had enough, I started dressing nicer and started wearing makeup by the boat load and I started to feel more confident and comfortable in myself. I went from hanging out with the weird kids to being in a semi-popular group that nobody had an issue with, but this didn’t take away the pain or the damage that was already caused.
And although people had begun to notice the effort and actually started complimenting me, I still had a mindset that I could never be pretty. And the new look didn’t stop my family from making jokes, my sister would always tell me that I was nothing without makeup and my parents would feed into it.
Most parents are supportive, but not mine. My mom would constantly tell me that my sister was still prettier than me and would always make comments on my weight like ‘I’ll give you the smaller portion, it’ll do you some good’ and ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to sign you up for a gym?’.
My parents never respected me or had any empathy for me at all really. Now, I’ve grown into my look pretty well and I often get compliments, but my mind will still forever be looking back on those comments wondering if I’ll ever be good enough.
My family still believes they’ve done nothing wrong and whenever it’s brought up they say ‘It builds character’ in a sarcastic tone.
Well, my mom’s birthday was on February 22nd and we had a big family dinner with all my aunties and uncles.
My family began to give me and my sister and the usual compliments, but just like old times my mom had to chime in and make comments about my sister being more naturally pretty than me, after 20 years I finally snapped, I broke down crying, and got everything off my chest, years of depression and insecurity spilled out and I ended up saying things I didn’t mean.
Now let me be clear, this was just the breaking point, there were so many other things that I talked about, like them being physical with me and my sister as kids, and denying me therapy and so much more, but I won’t go into detail.
My mom just cried as everyone else stared in absolute horror.
I left straight after and haven’t returned calls from my parents since, my sister said I did what I needed to do to heal and is being surprisingly supportive, but my mom’s brother sent me a long paragraph about how I need to grow up and can’t just throw tantrums when something upsets me.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother cried. Good. As callous as that sounds, she SHOULD cry. Her role as a mother was to support and bolster her children. Instead, she bullied and insulted you to the point where this happened. She SHOULD cry about that because she FAILED as a mother, rather spectacularly.
Her behavior as a mother is absolutely abominable. She should be ashamed of herself.
You, however OP, should not. You should also reply to your uncle that if your mother didn’t want to hear about what she did, she shouldn’t have done it.
She got one small dose of poison she has been dishing out your entire life. The way she feels now is the way she deserves to feel, and you did nothing wrong by getting it all off your chest.
With or without makeup, you ARE beautiful.
I’m sorry that your family is too ugly themselves to let you feel it.
(And by ugly I mean much more than just looks. They are ugly at their core, which is a lot worse than any physical flaw)” Panaccolade
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You should not have had to put up with that crap for all those years.
I’m sure your mom was surprised and horrified. She also had 20 years to figure out how unkind she was being to you.
I’m sure this sucks because you want loving supporting family, but you also want the nonsense to stop. You’re not a jerk for what you did.
I would recommend therapy for yourself and for your family as a group. If they aren’t willing to participate, you’re probably going to have to put up healthy boundaries for yourself in the future. I hope this is the beginning of a much better life.” SlightMammoth1949
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and good on your sister too.
It’s not always easy to be sympathetic when you’re in a position of privilege, but she seems to have the awareness that just because she’s avoided your mom’s wrath doesn’t mean you deserve it. On the other hand, your mom and her brother are both major jerks.
Your mom is obviously a jerk for her comments attempting to belittle ONE OF HER CHILDREN. That’s self-explanatory. Your mom’s brother is also a jerk for having no sympathy for the fact that you’ve put up with your mom’s nonsense for 20 years.
This wasn’t the ‘drama queen upset over a minor incident’ that he’s trying to portray it as. This was a lifetime’s worth of belittlement, humiliation, and pain finally coming to the surface, and the fact that he either doesn’t see that or chooses to ignore it is concerning. I wish you the life of your dreams going forward; goodness knows you’re due for some good breaks after all that you’ve been through.” KingCOsCourt
14. AITJ For Offering To Take Care Of My Partner's Kids?
“Earlier my (26F) partner (36F) and I got into a fight over her kids. She has one girl, Molly 16 (not her real name obviously), and two boys Tim (12) and Eric (10). My partner (call her Carrie) moved in with me a few months ago, since my house has room for all of us, and things have been really good.
Her kids are great, although the boys are messier than I’m used to we’ve been adjusting.
Now, Molly is Carrie’s go-to babysitter. Any time we go out, or if she has to work late or go somewhere she has Molly watch the boys.
She’s been doing this since Molly was about 12. Molly is a great kid, she’s super smart, responsible, and hard-working. She’s in AP classes and she got her first job recently. But, she also doesn’t go out very often.
Molly was invited to a party at her friend’s house this weekend.
Carrie said she could go. I took Molly shopping for a new outfit for it, just a new T-shirt and some earrings from hot topic, but she was super excited. It’s the first party she’s ever been invited to. I made sure she had my phone number and knew if she wasn’t having fun (or things got weird, but I’m pretty sure they were just watching anime and ordering pizza.
I’ve met the friend before) we would come to get her.
Now.
Carrie likes to go to this sports bar sometimes to hang out with her guy friends. I am not a sports person, so she usually goes on her own and I do whatever.
This normally isn’t a problem, because the kids will either be with their dad, or Molly will watch the boys for a few hours. Except for this weekend, Molly had plans. When Carrie tells her she needs to cancel her plans because Carrie is going out, Molly gets upset.
I’ve never seen the two of them argue before, but Molly is almost in tears trying to convince Carrie that it’s not fair.
Here’s where I might be the jerk.
I stepped in and told Carrie I could just watch the boys if she wanted to go out.
I’ve helped raise my nieces and nephews since I was like 14, I already know them, and it seemed like a simple solution. Carrie sends Molly to her room and then starts telling me off for butting in and undermining her authority over her daughter.
She told me Molly needs to be ready to be responsible for her brothers at any time since she’s the oldest. I disagreed I don’t think that’s a fair expectation, and Tim is as old now as Molly was when she first started babysitting.
Carrie snapped at me that they aren’t her kids, and I pointed out that they aren’t my kids but she brought them to my house, so does she expect me to not be involved in their lives or have opinions?
So. Am I the jerk for undermining her?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ, for several reasons.
First, Molly should not have to always be available to play fill-in mom whenever her mother decides she wants to go have fun. They’re not her kids and not her responsibility. Second, Carrie is risking her future relationship with her daughter as well by proving herself to be untrustworthy and unreliable.
Kids remember stuff like that. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Third, at 12 and 10 most children can take care of a lot of things themselves, so the boys would basically just need supervision. Why does she expect and trust her 16-year-old daughter to keep an eye on her children, but not her grown adult long-term partners? This whole situation is a mess.” snowonmywings
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
That wasn’t even undermining, it was making an offer. Sure, you probably should have piped up before the fight ensued between them, but that still doesn’t make it undermining. Undermining would be if the daughter stayed to babysit, your partner left, and THEN you told the daughter to run to her party behind the parent’s backs.
If you’re in a committed relationship with this woman and the plan is for it to be long-term, she does need to come to terms with the fact that those children are technically your step kids and you should have the right to some discussion and solutions in a respectful way.
Plus having a babysitter for a 10 and 12-year-old is completely unnecessary.
Hope your partner isn’t perpetuating sexist roles like my mom did with me and my two younger brothers… You might want to keep an eye out for other differences in how she treats her kids and see if this is even a woman you want to be in a relationship with.
‘Daughter was just so much more mature at their age than they are’ is not an excuse.” RunningDrinksy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made an offer to watch the kids so Molly didn’t have to. While your partner doesn’t have to accept the offer, I don’t think it undermines her authority.
Your partner, in my opinion, is massively out of line forcing Molly to babysit, especially when another option is available. First, your partner is literally forcing her daughter to sacrifice her childhood, not due to an emergency but so she can go out and enjoy herself.
Second, while having her daughter help while she still lives with her parents, including babysitting, isn’t inherently wrong, saying that as the oldest she has to be ready to take care of her siblings at any time, giving a child the parents’ responsibilities. Molly should not be expected to put her siblings over herself.” Free_Ad_7708
13. AITJ For Not Giving My Newly-Eloped Daughter Budget For Her Honeymoon?
“My daughter Jane recently eloped with her partner of 5 years. My wife and I were excited when they got engaged to plan a wedding but she said she didn’t want to rush setting a date or planning a wedding. This was understandable to us and we didn’t want to rush them either, but we let her know we would contribute a set amount to her wedding when the time came.
Then last week she tells me she has an announcement and that they actually eloped together because they decided they didn’t want the big event with all the attention on them. This was a little disappointing but we understood, she’s never been the type to want to be in the spotlight so while we weren’t expecting it, it wasn’t the biggest shock in the world.
What did feel like a shock is when she assumed we’d just give her that amount of cash straight up. She said they wanted to use it to take a month-long traveling sabbatical/honeymoon. My wife and I told her the funds we were prepared to give her was for a family event, not just for her to do as she pleases.
If she didn’t want a traditional wedding, that’s fine but we never told her we were just giving her say 15k for the act of getting married. We just didn’t want her to have to spend a ton of her own funds on a wedding and since relatives and family friends would have presumably been there, we were happy to pay for it so she wouldn’t have to.
2 of my nieces have gotten married in the last couple of years and it’s a family event to us, not just about the two people getting married. This has caused a whole thing with her saying we went back on our word to her but in my mind, we never told her otherwise.
We did say if she wants a second ceremony/family event to celebrate but wouldn’t be an official wedding, we would sponsor that.
If she had asked if she eloped or had a tiny wedding if we would give her some of it for a honeymoon, we may have considered it but its hard to know because we were never given the request, they just went and did their own thing (Which again is fine).
AITJ for not just giving her the cash we would have paid?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It feels a bit entitled that she surprise eloped and then still expected the funds, especially to take a MONTH-LONG vacation. Very excessive when not using your own funds, in my opinion.
Like you said, if she would have come to you before getting married and laid it all out there then maybe you could have compromised/given her a smaller amount as a wedding gift or something. It kind of seems like an ‘it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission’ type situation where she was hoping you’d just give in.
My parents paid for my wedding, and if I eloped I wouldn’t have had the balls to ask my parents for the funds they would have spent.” theluckiest22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but we set aside $15k to spend on each child’s wedding or to help with a down payment on a first home.
Their choice. The oldest child owns a home with fiancé already and fiancé’s parents are paying for the entire wedding so he scores. Nice honeymoon for them after we pay for tuxes, hotels, and bar bills. For 2nd child, we gave $5k for the band and paid for rehearsal, and some other expenses so they just had $1000 left in our budget for the housewarming.
Kid 3 is frugal. He’s going to want the cash and skip the wedding costs.
Okay by me.” Ipso-Pacto-Facto
Another User Comments:
“You made it clear that you would be able to contribute a set amount to a wedding that the family could attend and enjoy.
You never said you were going to give them cash to do what they pleased. You offered a generous compromise by offering to pitch in for a party that the family could enjoy.
If they don’t want a party with the attention on them, then that’s their choice, but they are choosing that at the expense of forfeiting any monetary contribution you offered and additional gifts from guests. NTJ” jasperjamboree
12. AITJ For Not Including My Ex To My Plans With My Daughter?
“My (37f) daughter’s (18f) biological father has never been in the picture. I was a single mother for a short time before I met my now ex-husband (46M). We were married for almost 10 years before we split, and he has for the most part treated my daughter like his own.
I have never and will never speak ill of him, but she has distanced herself from him since coming out (he has not been very supportive) and found out from an outside source that the deciding factor of our divorce was her dad’s infidelity.
I feel it’s important to note he does not support her financially at all.
Recently I sat my girl down and discussed what my expectations of her would be once she was done with school. Her options are currently to start at the local community college, and I will continue to cover all of her financial needs until she finishes (housing, food, medical, etc.), OR if she would like to go to work, she has 2 years to continue to live in my home and will be expected to pay 1/4 of the house expenses (she is 1 of 4 people living in the home), that I will put in a savings account for her so that she can use the funds for when she moves out.
I will not change my stance on this at all as I feel like this is the best way that I can help set her up for success, but I did not include my ex-husband in this discussion at all. Where I may be the jerk, I told my daughter that once she has graduated from HS, she has the full power to decide when and how often she visits her mom, dad, or any other family for that matter.
My EX is now furious with me because he feels like I have intentionally damaged their relationship more than his bigoted and hateful views of LGBTQ+ people have; and have also intentionally made choices about her future without consulting him. My daughter has expressed several times that she is hurt by his stance and has distanced herself from him and does not want to continue making monthly visits to see him.
I know that I’m setting my kiddo up for success but I’m feeling like maybe should have at least talked to my ex about this conversation. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And I honestly cannot see what could possibly make you the jerk in this situation.
You give your daughter EXACTLY the freedom an 18-year-old needs. Not more, not less. If her freedom hurts your ex’s interests… well, sucks for him. He cannot possibly believe he would ever have a decent relationship with your daughter on order.
And let’s be real. Even if you played the unreasonably strict parent and ordered your daughter to meet your ex (I can’t think of any sane reason why you would do that, I’m just brainstorming here) from time to time, it wouldn’t mend their relationship.
It would hurt your relationship with your daughter, and she wouldn’t get closer to her stepfather again.
Not only HE is a jerk (for several reasons, really), he’s unreasonable too.” VixnSkye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I am not sure how exactly this conversation has damaged their relationship or made choices for her future.
You are divorced, she is living with you, you gave her the options you have for her if she wants to continue living under your roof for the next 2-4 years, etc. If she wants to see if your ex can offer other options, that’s up to her.
Why would your ex have any say in how long you want your daughter to live with you or how you encourage her to get more education or not?
Unrelated to the main conflict, I think you are giving your daughter fair options.
During her time in college, she might want to do some part-time work and save up as well since you will be covering her financially still.” atealein
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t see where you’re discussing her options and the support you are willing to provide as your daughter enters young adulthood has anything to do with anyone outside your household.
Your ex seems to have an expectation that you would/should act as his surrogate and advocate with your daughter, even in conversations that don’t concern him. And he’s angry that you no longer manage her visits outside your home.
He’s got unrealistic expectations and control issues, expecting you and your daughter to give him the attention he wants, and hurting his own feelings when you don’t.” curious382
11. AITJ For Acting Selfishly And Somehow Disrespecting My Husband's Work?
“My (F29) husband (M29) is a musician and his career really suffered in 2020. He is also from a different current to myself (we are currently residing in my home country – both English-speaking counties though) so he is trying to establish himself here and get a particular show going.
I only had 2 months of maternity leave last year then went back to work full-time (mostly working from home) and suffered very badly from post-partial depression until the baby (10 months old) was about 8 months old. I have also been extremely unhappy in my current job since before I went on maternity leave (underpaid and undervalued for my senior position) and a very immoral/illegal situation with the company I work for has made me and my husband decide it is my time to find a different job.
I’m not rushing things but I am actively looking and had a few initial calls with other prospective companies.
Now, between all of the above my husband feels like his career has been put on the back burner and is not considered as important or a priority by me.
He recently said I need to stop being an obstacle to his career and be more supportive of him as the last year or so has been ‘all about me’ with a difficult pregnancy, having the baby, and also being diagnosed with HIV during pregnancy.
Last night I nearly lost it – was putting the baby to bed (it was 8.30 pm) and he was really fussy so it took about 25 mins. My husband decided he wasn’t going to work in the attic that night so we could have a family night to watch a film (he wanted to watch Dallas buyers club which is like 2.5 hours long).
When I got downstairs from putting the baby down, he just sat on his phone and hadn’t helped to put away any of the baby toys or do the sink full of dishes. I quickly do both of those tasks which took about 15 mins to do all the tidying/cleaning and he was angry at me for this because I was not prioritizing family time and was not respecting that he had sacrificed what was supposed to be his work time.
If he had helped do the chores while I was dealing with the baby there wouldn’t be any ‘cleaning time’ that ‘interfered’ with family time.
This has become a regular occurrence where, in my husband’s eyes, I constantly disrespect his work and his work time with scenarios like the above.
My question is this – am I being the jerk here and really acting selfishly or disrespecting my husband’s work?”
Another User Comments:
“‘Yes, darling, you fully support me and my failed music career by working, taking care of my child, and doing all the housework.
But I’m going to need you to smile while you do all that because it’s really harshing my vibe.’ – your husband. The fact of the matter is that he can’t accept that his dream is dead and he’s not a good enough musician to make it, so he’s going to blame you for arbitrary things that have no bearing on his ‘career’.
Maybe he should stop being lazy and take the time to put the clothes away instead of complaining that they’re in his way. He’s a piece of work and I feel sad about your situation.
NTJ.” Graves_Digger
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The last year or so may have been ‘all about you’, but you had a difficult pregnancy, gave birth, went through post-partum depression, and have had difficulties at your job.
All while juggling a stressful job situation and taking care of most or all of the housework. I can understand why your husband feels frustrated with regard to his career, but to blame it on you is completely unfair. It’s also hard to feel supportive of a spouse who doesn’t pull his own weight at home.” Quiet_Nerd_2148
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are not an obstacle. You are, in fact, the person who has gone through pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum depression. AND you are the breadwinner, toiling at an unrewarding and stressful job. I get that this has been a stressful time for him too and that a stalled career is disheartening.
BUT telling you that you are an obstacle is shocking and insulting. As a husband and father, his priorities should be caring for his wife and child.
You have been the spouse with higher needs, yes, but for justifiable reasons. And you are the provider right now.
He needs to decide if he wants to be a grown man, and a good husband and father, or whether he wants to be a self-centered teenager, mad that his creative success isn’t everyone else’s priority. He does not get to use family resources while not contributing and accuses you of getting in his way. He is moving in the direction of being a mooch and a controlling, selfish jerk.” floopdoopsalot
10. AITJ For Not Obliging My Partner To Financially Support My Kids?
“I (33f) have two kids (6m/8m) with my ex-husband ‘Dave’ (34m). He has another child with another woman. So he asked me to lower child support since I have a partner who I’ve been with for about a year. Dave claims that my partner ‘Eric’ should be financially responsible for my kids.
His argument is that Eric is in the military and doesn’t live with HIS son so any funds Eric gives to his kid should really go to mine. I’m like… NO!? That’s now how parenting works. Eric’s ability to be financially responsible for his son does not make him responsible for Dave’s kids.
I do work and primarily support my kids, but recently 9M needed dental work. Dave REFUSED to pay half and only told me about it when the procedure was complete, despite telling me he could pay half. I pointed out that our divorce decree states he’s responsible for 75% of the cost of medical and dental care due to his extremely low child support.
He keeps telling me to get Eric to pay for our kids and to cut his child support. Dave is saying that it’s expensive to have a baby and his partner will be on maternity so she won’t be making funds.
Meanwhile, Eric is a second stream of income for me. I’m firm that Eric is not responsible for our kids at the moment.
Dave has now told me that I’m clearly jealous because he’s a successful partner since he and his partner are new parents.
They’re both calling me a funds-grubbing jerk because I refuse to lower the child support so they can support their baby’s needs. I just told them that Eric isn’t responsible for Dave’s children until Eric decides he wants to be. The fact that Eric and I are moving slowly in our relationship.
We are currently having my kids spend more time with him, but I don’t see Eric as a second stream of income, he’s my partner. He pays for me and takes care of me, and my kids are slowly becoming a part of that.
That doesn’t mean Eric should drop hundreds for my son’s dental work.
AITJ for not making my partner financially responsible for my kids?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Eric is not your kids’ father! Dave is. Dave has a new baby and is discovering that kids are expensive.
Well, no kidding, Sherlock. Considering Dave already has two kids he really should have been aware of that before now. And Dave’s partner knew he had kids. (There’s a reason I didn’t have an interest in guys with kids. I knew I wanted kids one day and didn’t have that financial commitment impacting my kids.)
I think you need to prepare because Dave is going to ease out of his role as a father.
He’s got his new kid. Why should he be a father to the two he already has? His partner supports his idea that some other guy, any other guy, can take over his father’s duties. (And I just do not get women like his partner.
It should be alarming to her that he can so easily disregard his own kids, but they always think it’s different because this is their kid. Then it’s all surprised Pikachu when he eventually dodges his responsibility for that kid also.)” CemeteryDweller7719
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Eric’s contributions or lack thereof do not negate Dave’s responsibility.
Dave, and any good father, should want to do all they can to support their kids, divorced or not. Dave sounds like he’s trying to cheap out on being a father.
On the other hand, if Eric is living with you and providing for your living expenses you need to divulge his income to the courts so that a non-biased party can decide on a fair amount for Dave’s child support.” jovi_goddard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you and Eric get married and merge your finances and Eric helps pay to support your kids, great! But that doesn’t make them, not Dave’s kids anymore. He’s still responsible. If he thinks he should have to pay less since he’s having a baby and it will be expensive, ask if he’s going to pay more if you and Eric have kids at some point. You are not responsible for Dave’s child with his partner, he is not responsible for any children you may one day have with Eric, but Dave is still responsible for the two children you had with him regardless.” Papyrus72846
9. AITJ For Being A "Bad Brother"?
“My (18) parents travel a lot for work so it is almost always just me and my brother (16) alone in our apartment. We definitely fight but it is infrequent. I always tried to be the best brother I can, often paying for meals, trying my best to wake my brother up for school, keeping the apartment organized and always offering my assistance to him for schoolwork.
Despite all this, I feel that get no respect from him and I think he likes to take advantage of the fact that I’m not Mom or Dad and don’t have any ‘official’ authority over him.
He gets unreasonably mad when I ask him for favors that even slightly inconvenience him like putting his shoes away, cleaning his mess in the kitchen, or sending me photos.
Any time we go out to eat, it’s always what he wants to eat and what he wants to do after. He lies to me all the time about touching and taking my stuff. Even just asking questions and making conversation he responds in a really snarky and needlessly aggressive tone.
It has been getting on my nerves so I do end up yelling at him because I am so sick of his behavior. What is worse is that when he does talk to our parents, he always goes on about how terrible of a brother I am, calling me unsupportive and abusive because I yell at him, that I never help him with anything and am always ‘forcing’ him to do things he doesn’t want to do (referring to favors and chores I politely ask of him).
This then leads to my parents yelling at me for being a bad brother. I have expressed my opinions and concerns, emphasizing everything I do for him but they just brush it off saying that I’m the oldest and it’s my duty to do all this.
I have tried talking to him about it but I get a superficial apology and the behavior continues.
This past month I decided I was done with the disrespect and decided to actually be a bad brother. I was hoping that by showing him this, he would be more appreciative of everything I did do for him and would stop treating me like garbage.
I have been making him pay me back for everything we eat and buy from now on to the penny, I now yell and demand favors and chores to be done instead of asking, I don’t bother waking him up in the morning so he is late for school almost all the time now, etc.
I have noticed that he has somewhat curbed his behavior and has not been so defiant but it is definitely due to fear rather than respect. I know I am the older sibling but my brother also isn’t a small child.
I feel like I have given a lot to him and have not received anything but punishment and spite in return. I am not proud of what I am doing but I also don’t have any other ideas. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t even think you are a bad brother by not waking him up or having him pay you back for food. By the age of 10 or 11, I used an alarm clock. And no reason to pay for him if he won’t appreciate it.
I don’t know which chores or favors you need to demand or yell at him for, so I’m not in the best position to judge, but could you perhaps not mention the chores at all? If your parents see his shoes in the way and his chores not done, wouldn’t they have to tell him something, and then it means you don’t have to yell at him? Of course, if it also becomes your fault, that is something else.
But you are being put by your parents in an impossible position by having the responsibility but no authority over him. That can’t work and it’s unfair to you. It is just the same in the working world too, by the way.” IndividualRoyal9426
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you, him, and your parents.
He shouldn’t be disrespectful to you after everything you do for him. However, at sixteen years old, I don’t think I would take kindly to my slightly older sibling giving me orders – politely or not. That’s just me though. He also shouldn’t have to be reminded to do basic things like cleaning up after himself.
The parents should be involved.
I think everyone sucks. You aren’t in charge and have no business commanding him in any way. He is disrespectful and lazy. Your parents don’t seem to be involved.” tiredtwink3021
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents put you in a horrible position.
The thing is, the parent/guardian/caregiver has responsibilities, but also rights as a person of authority. This balance is the foundation of a healthy relationship. You’ve got duties only and no support from your parents.
Yes, what you’re doing is not very nice, but you are 18, not 38. If I say you are a jerk I’ll be like your parents – expecting maturity and experience you just can’t have and blaming you for their own faults.” Garamon7
8. AITJ For Thinking That My Niece Is Named After Me?
“I have a unique name. It’s nothing insane and sounds ‘normal’ but I’ve never met someone with the same name. Looking at that name analyzer there were 30 people who named it last year. The point I’m trying to make is, it’s unique.
People comment on it semi-regularly. But it’s made up, not a cultural or historical name.
My sister had a baby girl 2 years ago and named her the female version of my name. She didn’t ask me if she could (I want to be clear I didn’t and wouldn’t expect her to, and I certainly would have approved if she did and I DO approve).
I’m totally fine with her having a similar name.
I don’t want to dox myself here, so for example let’s say my name is THOR and my niece is THORA. It’s off by a letter.
I often babysit and have a good relationship with my sis and BIL.
But when I’m with my niece and we tell people her name, OBVIOUSLY everyone immediately comments on our names being similar. I started jokingly saying oh yes she was named after me.
My BIL heard me say that to a neighbor while at the park with her and he blew up my phone after saying she wasn’t named after me, why am I telling people that and I’m delusional.
I’m kind of baffled by this aggression. I haven’t responded or said anything to my sister as I’m now wondering DID I overstep in saying that? I’m awkward so I tend to stick to the same small-talk script. No one ever did say she was named after me, and I certainly won’t say that anymore.
But was I out of line?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think BIL’s reaction is disproportionate.
You should talk to your sister (not about the incident with BIL but to know whether your name was an inspiration for your niece’s). I mean she is your sister and trusts you with her child so I think you can have a conversation about this.
It’s possible (I’m making wild guesses here completely out of nowhere because why not) that maybe your sister did indeed name her daughter after you (or was influenced by your name or inspired or found it sounded great) and BIL disapproved and they had an argument and she won and now BIL is mad and doesn’t want to acknowledge that.
Or maybe not.” cho-won-tchou
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, if you explicitly knew it was untrue then you shouldn’t have said that or should’ve made it absolutely clear that it’s a joke which people always assume. BIL shouldn’t have blown up over such a small thing if he knew you were joking.
Even if he thought you weren’t it’s not that huge a thing to shout about. All that aside, if you have a fairly uncommon name then cannot deny that your name had absolutely no influence on them while deciding what to name their child.
Also weird naming your child after someone you already know and then claiming that it did not affect their decision whatsoever.” iam_ayushks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Whether your sister and unhinged BIL will admit it or not, in some way or another, your niece was definitely named after you.
Your name has been in your sister’s ear her whole life and whether she did it because she loves you so much or not, she obviously likes you and liked the name enough to add an a and give that name to her daughter.
If your sister was born way before you and always loved that name and then you were born, she could say it was totally separate, but that seems doubtful.
My niece’s name is my favorite name for a boy. It has always been my favorite name for a boy, same spelling and everything.
My sister didn’t steal it from me for her daughter and I don’t mind that it’s my niece’s name, but I’ve told my sister if I have a boy, I’m still going to use it.
If that happens, that child will not be named after my niece at all. But your niece is obviously named after you at least a little bit.” champagneformyrealfr
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Live With My Stepson?
“My husband and I have 4 children (1-7). My husband has an older son (15) with his ex and is also a ‘dad’ to her older son (20). We live in a 3-bedroom house. When my stepson stays, he sleeps on the couch.
Despite him not really living with us my husband is still active in his life and spends lots of time with him.
My stepson’s mom has 3 younger kids with her ex-husband and recently got a new partner. She lives in a 2-bedroom apartment with her stepson getting a room, the younger 3 sharing and her using the living room as a bedroom.
Her taste in men is awful and her newest partner is no different and my stepson has awful things to say about him. Despite this, and despite the fact she’s only been with him for around 10 months (she’s known him longer), she is moving in with him in a week.
He is somewhat well off and lives in an empty 4-bedroom house as his kids are all adults.
There’s a clear benefit for the kids to have a bigger space and a yard but obviously a much bigger danger in moving your kids in with a man you haven’t been with for long.
My husband has tried to urge her out of making this choice, but she seems set on it. She has some major mental health issues and doesn’t receive any child support from her ex-husband, so I understand to an extent why she needs to rely on a new partner so heavily.
A month ago, my stepson got into an argument with his mom and stayed with us for a few nights before going to his great-grandpa’s, where he has stayed with since. He has said that he will never move into the guy’s house.
Last week he asked his dad if he could move in with us and we told him we’d discuss it. I don’t like the idea for a few reasons. The main one is space as we don’t have a lot of it.
He would either have to share with one of his much younger brothers or we’d have to give him his own room and cram 4 kids in together. Another reason is that my stepson isn’t exactly the easiest teenager and has already proved to be a bad influence on my younger kids and he has a bad temper.
I told my husband this and although he was unhappy and tried to change my mind he did go back to his son and tell him that it couldn’t happen right now. If there weren’t other options for him my answer would be different.
His grandpa has the spare room and has already said he can stay for as long as he wants. My husband and I are starting to look at other rental options with 4 bedrooms for us to possibly move to in the near future.
We had dinner with stepson a few nights ago and explained are reasoning and told him he was still welcome whenever he wants. He doesn’t seem too upset and is comfortable at his grandpa’s. However, his older brother has apparently found out about the situation (he’s in the military in another state) and has called my husband up to call him a piece of work and evidently blamed the whole situation on me.
Are we being jerks? Is it not better he be at home where he has his own space and is still close to both parents?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You married him, his children are a package deal. Your stepson is a minor.
He clearly doesn’t feel safe living with his mother and her partner, which you should understand since you say she has terrible taste in men. With such an unstable home life, no wonder your stepson isn’t ‘the easiest teenager.’ He needs to live with his family in a safe environment and maybe get some therapy.
This is not some random child or an adult, this is your husband’s teenage son, who your husband is still responsible for. It doesn’t matter that your space isn’t ideal; your stepson is part of the family whether you like it or not.
He should have somewhere to stay in your home even if he’s not moving in full-time (but now that he needs and wants to move in full-time, you need to let him). I could understand the argument that there’s no space and he has other options if he was an adult and had been moved out for a couple of years already, but he’s a child.
He should live with a parent. Not with his great-grandfather. He has a living, competent parent. You need to let him move in and make it work for as long as it takes until you can move somewhere with more bedrooms.
Now to be clear, if you tell your stepson you will gladly let him move in and then explain the rooming situation to him (that he will have to share until you can move somewhere bigger) and he says he needs his own space and would rather stay with his great-grandfather, then that’s fine.
You would not be the jerk for that. But if that did happen, you should be making sure you’re moving to a home with space for your stepson as soon as possible.
However, as things are now, you haven’t given him the option to move in and share a room, you’ve just decided for him that he’s better off with the extra space, which is why you’re the jerk.
He needs to feel welcome in his father’s home and like he truly has the option to move in, not like you’re begrudgingly allowing him to move in and strongly hinting that he should choose not to.” Papyrus72846
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for Gramps and big brother.
Stability and loving parents are more important than space. He’s going through a lot and needs help to learn how to express what I’m sure are some pretty big emotions in a healthy way.
YTJ because you’re not seeing what’s really going on and that his acting out probably means he needs some help and the people who are supposed to protect him are refusing to do so.
He’s a 15-year-old boy growing up in a society that constantly tells him he only has a choice between a narrow set of emotions. His entire life has been upended in the last few years. In his view, this probably feels like a huge rejection from his dad in favor of you and from his mom in favor of the new partner.
The brother who has likely been his protector is now off in the military. This is pretty textbook in terms of how abandonment issues are created.
Mom’s the jerk because it certainly seems like her 15-year-old son knows she’s making a poor decision and it seems like she hasn’t really taken the time to get the help she needs to be a good parent and deal with her issues.
This is a LOT for a 15-year-old to deal with.” StillLikesTurtles
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you marry someone with children you don’t ever say they shouldn’t allow their (minor child) to live in their home. Is it a change? Yes. Do you need to suck it up? Also yes.
To say he has another option is crap. He has a mother and a father. No one else should have to take responsibility for this poor child. You should be ashamed for encouraging your husband not to step up for his child.
If you send a couple of your children to live with relatives you should have plenty of space and funds for your stepson. If you are outraged at that suggestion then you ought to rethink telling your husband to turn his back on his son.
And don’t delude yourself into thinking you are doing anything else. His son asked to move in. Just because he isn’t showing how upset he may or may not feel (according to biased you) doesn’t mean this poor kid isn’t feeling abandoned.
This poor child. He’s being failed by all the adults who are supposed to care for him. That includes you.” angel2hi
6. AITJ For Not Letting My Stepson Meet His Step-Grandparents?
“My stepson’s father and I have been together for 2 years and married for 1. He has never met my parents, or his step-grandparents before.
My (41F) stepson (18), L, recently came out as gay to his father (39M) and me. His father and I are very supportive and we try to give him as much comfort as possible, but with L’s 18th birthday party coming up it’s beginning to become a bit of a challenge.
L is friendly with all of my family except my parents because he’s never met them. My parents are very strict and religious and they’re, you guessed it, extremely homophobic. Homophobic to the point where I have personally witnessed them give death threats to a lesbian couple on the street before.
They’re never at birthday parties or family reunions/gatherings because of how disliked they are by most of the family. L wants to meet my parents because he ‘wants to build a relationship with everyone in the family’ and when I told him no, he got upset.
I told him they were homophobic and he said that he’s accepted the fact that some people will just never accept him. When I said my answer is still no he went up to his room and hasn’t really come out since.
My brothers and sisters texted me saying he has a right to at least meet them. I’m just trying to protect my stepson. My husband told me he’d be there to protect my stepson if anything were to go wrong, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You need to sit with him.
Talk it out, and share some of the things they’ve said and done. Really let him know. Then, afterward, if he still wants to meet them, let him. Go with him of course. But, this is a decision he needs to make.
I know you’re trying to keep him safe. But this is a life lesson that is really important for his development and confidence building. He needs to know, that he can make big life choices, even if they’re risky, and still have your support.
Things could go fine. They could go fine for some time, then things happen they disconnect. Or if things go down, there’s yelling and some drama. And some tears in the car on the way home. Whatever happens, is gonna happen.
But at L’s age, it’s obvious figuring these people out are very important to him. Set a boundary with your parents prior. ‘Be kind to my kiddo, or we’ll leave. That’s all’. It’s gonna be uncomfortable. But I think you gotta let L do this for himself.
Just be there to support him in the aftermath. This is your chance to prove to him that you trust your own parenting skills enough to know; he will make the right choices when he gets his fill of info, cuz that’s what you taught him.
Best of luck, OP.” OsaBear92
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. That’s a soft YTJ for me because your unwillingness to have him meet your parents comes from a good place. Here’s the thing tho, you can’t and shouldn’t make that decision for him. You already told him they’re homophobic and that’s good than just saying no without telling him why.
But since stepson still wants to meet them, you should let him.
I’m sure they’re not the first homophobic people he’s meeting and maybe they’ll turn out to be the worst, or maybe they wouldn’t, but you gotta let him decide the connections he wants to build, and if that includes homophobic step-grandparents then so be it.
Just be around to help him when he asks for it.” Rissyntax_v2
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I know you’re trying to protect your stepson, but sadly he will be exposed to hate occasionally. You won’t always be able to protect him from that.
You’ve explained your parents to him and he still wants to meet them. Your husband has stepped in to say he’ll protect L if your parents do/say anything. I think you allow L to meet your parents (maybe not the upcoming party, where they could make a scene and ruin the party for L).
You and your husband would be there to support L, and talk him through anything that happens afterward.” Quiet_Nerd_2148
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If it’s what he wants even after he’s fully informed about their beliefs, then it’s not your place to ‘protect’ them.
And the best-case scenario letting them meet him could help to educate them and lead to them changing their views. Not a guarantee, but it’s possible. So let him meet them if that’s what he wants and let him decide when and if he wants to cut contact if things ever get to that point. Just don’t out him to them if they don’t know already. Let him come out to them himself when and if he feels comfortable doing so.” PresentTiffany
5. AITJ For Getting My Son Allergy Tested Without His Mom?
“My (26m) son (3y) was diagnosed with mild asthma almost 2 years ago. Last December, he had an appointment with a new pulmonologist, who ordered allergy testing to confirm or rule out allergies as a cause for his somewhat frequent wheezing.
The doctor wanted the tests done that day, but due to scheduling issues she said we could wait, but to have it done before his next appointment in April.
My son’s mother and I are divorced, though we are still going to court for issues related to custody.
To say the least, we do not get along. We share custody 50/50. I have made several (4-5) attempts to take my son to get the testing done during the time he is with me, and each time I’ve let her know in advance.
Each time she said, ‘That doesn’t work for me, because XYZ, please don’t take him without me’. So I have postponed it each time in an effort to keep her involved. But she has not made a single effort to take him during the time he is with her.
Not even mentioned it once.
I informed her last night that I’d be taking him today, and would let her know how it goes and send her any paperwork I got. Lo and behold, she said today doesn’t work for her, and that she needs to be able to schedule a day off to go.
Then stated she has the 27th of this month off work and asked me to wait until then. I don’t know what my schedule will be like in 3 days, let alone 3 weeks. I can take him today, and I’m done trying to accommodate her schedule.
As a side note, last weekend I asked if I could pick our child up and take him to a car show (he loves cars), she said that he was taking a nap and they were going to the beach when he woke up.
I said I’d pick him up when he woke up, take him to the show, walk around for 30 minutes, then bring him to the beach, and be there shortly after they got there. After running out of excuses, she said that she was ‘not comfortable being near me’ even though I offered, solely as a courtesy, to stay in my vehicle the entire time.
I’ve not said or done anything that would make her fear for her safety. She uses ‘I’m not comfortable’ as an excuse when it’s convenient for her. So, my initial response to her once again asking me to wait until she could attend was ‘If you aren’t comfortable being near me for a 30-second exchange so that our son could go to a car show, how are you comfortable being near me for an hour + for the testing?’ She continued to say that because the hospital is a public place with security, she was fine with it.
As if the beach with actual police officers isn’t a public place.
Sorry if the side note was unnecessary. It doesn’t make a difference to me if she’s there or not. It’s not about me or her. It’s about our son. I told her that and told her if our son asked about her, I would tell him that she wanted to be there but had to work.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I don’t understand how she is justifying her 3yo not seeing a doctor for difficulty BREATHING.
What is this Super Important Job she has where she can’t get off work for an appointment she doesn’t even have to make and for her child?
Clearly, she isn’t a doctor.
I don’t know what your divorce says about medical appointments and care, but I can hardly believe a court would fault you for bringing a child in for important testing.
I hope you have texted and/or emailed proof that you’ve tried to get her to agree to an appointment 4-5 times over the months.
It really seems like she’s trying to prove you negligent by not taking him to the doctor.
(I have no clue what her ‘feeling uncomfortable’ and needing security(?!) is about if you’ve not been violent or intimidating. When you pick up and drop off your son, you do it at her house, right? Does she have security there?)
But seriously, go to the appointment.
You have physical custody of him today. It’s a doctor’s office, not a war zone.” SolarPerfume
Another User Comments:
“Taking you at your word, NTJ. You have been more than understanding and accommodating and your ex has had every opportunity to participate. If anything, you may have taken too long to do this given it’s about your son’s health.
That said, custody proceedings usually have pretty clear rules about what each parent can do medically regarding the child. Even if you’re NTJ morally, that doesn’t mean you’re legally in the right. Run it by your custody lawyer, or if you don’t have one carefully read all your court orders to you stay out of trouble, particularly if your ex is making accusations.” SporadicCounsel
Another User Comments:
“Ultimately, NTJ.
If you have a temporary court order, that’s what should be followed. Period. If there are no orders around medical appointments, etc., you are in the clear with all jerkery. If your order or state laws say that both parents must be included in medical decision-making, then you might suck a bit, too.
But when it comes down to it, you sought out medical treatment for your child after multiple attempts to include her in the visit and that makes you a good dad. Just whatever you do, don’t use your kid as a weapon to hurt each other (which it doesn’t sound like you are, but sometimes the line gets blurry).” That_StrikingFailure
4. AITJ For Telling My Stepdaughter To Shower More?
“Me (47 F) and my husband (48 M) married a while ago. He already has Zak (19 M) and Sam (16 F) from his previous marriage. Together we have Jesse (12 M), Todd (10 M), and Jake (8 M). Zak rents an apartment with his SO.
Sam lives with us and visits her mom and her mom’s partner every other weekend.
I adore Sam, I really do, it’s so exhilarating to have a daughter to bond with, to put it selfishly. I really do love the woman she’s becoming, because she’s sweet and generous, and quick-witted.
We have lots of fun going out together just the two of us. Like I said beyond the fun times I think she’s a smart young lady with a generally good head on her shoulders and I’m proud of her for her strength of character.
I think we have a strong bond.
The only trouble is recently Sam has started to really kick up quite a funk. She’s entering that age where teenagers need a couple of showers a day to kick off the sweat, but I’m lucky if she showers once a day.
She will either brush her teeth in the morning or night but beyond that, it’s stank breath. If she isn’t leaving the house, she usually stays in her sweaty PJs all day and bums around with oily bedhead, so most weekends she’s with us, she sometimes showers on Friday and then again on Monday.
I don’t know what goes on at her mother’s place in that department.
I tried delicately telling Sam she needs to freshen up more often during the day but she usually just agrees to it, does a couple of days of following a proper hygiene schedule, then falls back to her nasty habits.
Yesterday she tried to sit next to me at dinner. She smelled positively rank. She had gone running and hadn’t bothered to shower when she got home. I told her that I needed to move away from her at the table because of her body odor.
Sam teared up, which I hated to see, and didn’t eat at all. She also didn’t leave her bedroom until today around noon. While my husband called me insensitive, he also can’t give me a better idea to handle Sam’s hygiene issue.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As a mom or friend, you need to be honest with her. If you can smell her, her classmates that sit next to her for hours are probably smelling her too (which is not fair). She is going to get the reputation of being the smelly dirty girl.
If the mother and the father are not really helping her with her lack of hygiene habits, well, someone has to step up and unfortunately, there is no easy way to say it other than you need to shower. You are not being rude or mean about it.
You are not trying to offend her. It is uncomfortable for you to tell her those things.
Do you think she is kind of depressed or she is going through something? Has she always been kind of like that and you didn’t really notice it as much as of now because of the smell? Maybe talk to her about it in private, tell her how much you love her and that you see her as a daughter that you would like to have one day.
She might open up about what is going on.” Ok_Tonight_7262
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. I get that you want to help, but your approach was unkind, and expecting anyone to shower multiple times a day is excessive. Soaping up too often can cause major skin issues along with dry and damaged hair.
It sounds like she needs some more effective deodorant rather than multiple showers a day. Be mindful that YOUR solution doesn’t have to be HER solution. Give her some time, and peer pressure will likely take care of some of the issues for you.
She is much more likely to listen to an ‘Ewww! You stink’ from a friend than from a parent. As for the bad breath, set her up with some antiseptic mouthwash and floss along with a good electric toothbrush. Since brushing MORE hasn’t been effective, try improving the QUALITY of the brushing she does do.
Give her the tools and let her sort herself out.” vikingthundergoddess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – while you were rather blunt, this sounds like it is more than a little whiff of sweat, and you’re in a sticky situation. I take it that you’re not the only person noticing this – your husband sees/smells it too? If so, I’m wondering what is going on with Sam.
Most 16-year-olds can’t be pried out of the shower. The fact that she’s ignoring hygiene is something I would look into further. Have you, or your husband, asked her, kindly and delicately what’s going on? She may not know herself, but I think gently trying to find out will help you.
It’s possible that the hormonal and body changes are scaring her, and this is an unconscious attempt to avoid the ‘mating dances’ that most teens have already started years before. Another possibility is that she’s neurodivergent, and has sensory issues with some of this stuff.
She may have anxiety issues, or she may just be really absent-minded. It could be any number of things.
I think you and your husband need to get together on this, and one of you may want to ask her mother if that’s possible.
If not, the two of you may want to have a low-key convo with her – totally framed around helping her, not shaming her, and asking her about some ways to ‘help her remember.’ Then do some behavior mod by rewarding the behavior you want, and if you can’t ignore the lack of hygiene because it’s too fragrant, quietly but firmly remind her to shower, or brush, or whatever.” NotWithoutHopeYet
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, because it looks to me like why she smells hasn’t been analyzed enough if she’s showering once per day.
Does she have a medical issue, does she even use deodorant, does she need a stronger deodorant, does she actually shower or just sits under the water stream, etc?
I have to ask: are you sure she knows how to shower properly? Hear me out: if nobody actually taught you how to properly wash all your bits as a child, you might think you are doing it right, but actually doing it wrong.
It is something that should be straightforward and we all assume you should know how to do it, but it’s not that simple if you have had no reference for it. You might be surprised by how many people don’t clean their bellybutton or wash between their folds in sensitive areas.” Selenophile91
3. WIBTJ If I Throw My In-Laws' Stuff Out?
“My husband (37m) and I (31f) are house-sitting for his parents for three weeks. The timing works out great for us, as they’re overseas while our new house is being renovated. We’re very grateful to have a place to stay that isn’t in a construction zone.
Now, I’ve always known my in-laws like to collect a lot of ‘stuff’. Both are constant purchasers and really love to buy the latest style/makeup/tool etc. Honestly, I’ve never really cared before since it has no impact on me.
Now that we’re one week into house-sitting, I’m finding the amount of stuff they have overwhelming.
There isn’t anywhere to put our own daily items. Mountains of TikTok-inspired food fill the pantry, much of it expired or close to expiry. The fridge is filled with dusty perfumes and face creams that seem very, very old (my in-laws order takeout almost every meal).
I like to make my own food, and it leaves extremely little room for even basic vegetables. They didn’t leave us a drawer in the bedroom, so I’ve been trying to live out of a duffel bag and it is hard in their cramped corner to get what I need.
I’ve been talking to my husband about clearing out some of the old/expired items and a bedroom drawer to make the next couple of weeks a bit easier. Anything expired I would toss, but otherwise, I would just put it in a box in storage till they get back.
My husband says this could be seen as extremely rude to his parents.
WIBTJ if I move my in-laws’ stuff to storage for a couple of weeks till they come back?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. (said with sympathy).
I understand wanting to toss the expired items.
And it may even feel like you’re doing them a favor. But, to people who hoard, it doesn’t feel that way. It can be very upsetting. I doubt they’d want to come back home from their trip to feel distressed at the idea that their home has been changed.
After all, they’ve entrusted their space and belongings to you guys.
I can also understand wanting to put stuff in temporary storage and then putting the stuff back where you found it before they come back, so you have SOME place to put your stuff.
The thing is, it’s THEIR home, THEIR things. And it’s not our business, as temporary guests (unless there is a safety issue or health issue risk) what they do and has in their home. We may not like it, but we don’t get to change it.
Especially if you guys are being done a favor too (not having to live in a construction zone) while they’re away. We have to respect their home and their ways.” Light_Seeker90
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you do that.
It’s three weeks and it’s their house.
If there was rotting food that would make sense, but going through their drawers and throwing stuff out because you’ve decided you want to put your clothes in there?
Not okay. Should have discussed having storage space before if it was needed.
And plenty of people use makeup and skincare past expiry – obviously not the best for them but you cannot chuck their stuff in the bin.” Commercial-Pear-543
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. Wow!
All of this just came off as so condescending and privileged. You volunteer so much completely unnecessary information and judgment…
to win us over to your side?
You’re judging them for their TikTok food hobby. You’re judging them for eating out for every meal. You’re judging them for not having a drawer ready for you as if a box on a shelf (drawer) vs a box on wheels (suitcase) will make any considerable difference.
‘Best by’ shelf-stable food often isn’t actually expired. Face creams last longer at cooler temperatures.
The information about Airbnb doesn’t make you look better. If you insist on being so controlling of your space, maybe you should insist on that Airbnb next time.” PureLawfulness6404
2. AITJ For Rejecting My Mother-In-Law's Present?
“I (27F) recently got married to my husband (29M) in a beautiful ceremony that we had been planning for months. It was a big celebration with all of our family and friends in attendance, and we were thrilled to have everyone there to share our special day with us.
After the wedding, my mother-in-law gifted us a set of knives that were made with high-quality materials and had a beautiful design. However, upon closer inspection, I noticed that the handles were made with animal bone, which goes against my vegan beliefs.
I thanked her for the gift but explained that I couldn’t accept it because it would compromise my values.
My mother-in-law was really offended and upset. She accused me of being ungrateful and disrespectful and said that I was trying to force my beliefs on her.
My husband and I tried to explain our reasoning, but she wouldn’t listen and storm out of our house.
Now my husband’s family is angry with me and my husband is caught in the middle. I feel like I did the right thing by sticking to my beliefs, but my mother-in-law and his family think that I’m being difficult and rude.
Am I the jerk for not accepting the knives?
I’m struggling with this situation because I don’t want to cause any drama or hurt anyone’s feelings, but at the same time, I don’t want to compromise my values. I feel like my mother-in-law should have taken my beliefs into consideration before giving us the knives, but she seems to think that it’s not a big deal.
I’m not sure how to handle this situation moving forward, but I don’t want it to cause any long-term tension or resentment between myself and my husband’s family. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you give a gift, you should not be forcing YOUR beliefs on the recipient.
If they knew you were vegan and didn’t buy products that contain animal parts, then your MIL disrespected YOU by giving you an inappropriate gift. She’s minimizing your feelings because she knows she made an inconsiderate choice.
It sounds like you tried to be polite about returning it, instead of accepting it and getting rid of them, and then having them ask you where those ‘lovely knives are.’
This is the point where you make it clear that this is a boundary, and it doesn’t matter whether she thinks it is not a big deal.
You’re a vegan, these are your values, and you won’t accept items into your home made from animals. Is she going to give her potential future grandbaby leather shoes? Give you a leather purse as a holiday or birthday gift?” NYCStoryteller
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You were rude and inconsiderate. The correct thing to do when you receive a gift you do not want is to graciously thank the gift-giver, and then quietly get rid of the gift. Your vegan beliefs are, of course, valid, but you created unnecessary hurt and family drama by ignoring basic good manners.
You need to give your MIL a genuine and heartfelt apology. You spoiled the wonderful, happy-family wedding vibes by not being a gracious bride. You need to fix it.” huggie1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you handled it well. As long as you & hubby are in agreement, the 2 of you will be okay & that’s the most important thing.
Considering what he understands of his mum’s personality, wait for her to cool off (or maybe she would see that as disrespectful?); approach her and make a nice gesture – take her out or send her flowers – whatever! Be cordial, and as warm as possible.
Thank her for welcoming you into the family, or raising such a wonderful man, whatever is true. When you do have a conversation don’t bring up the incident but if she does, maintain exactly the same line: ‘I’m so sorry that you felt disrespected as I that was not my intention.
I’m so grateful that we are able to move past it.’ And change the subject. Good luck OP.” JustWatchin2021
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Not for sticking to your values. That’s fine. But, when this is someone so close to you two, I think it would have been better to accept the gift and perhaps once you’re home, reach out: ‘Oh, my friend Annie already gifted us the knife set from our registry and we don’t need two, would you like this one back?’
Now, I’m not saying to hide your beliefs moving forward whatsoever.
You can, after all, only make so many excuses. I think people who are not vegans may not think to look for things such as bone/antler handles because it’s not, you know, being eaten. So that could have been an oversight on her part and when things like that are pointed out, it can sometimes embarrass people into reacting badly. So at a further date, it’ll be important that your MIL understand what veganism is to you and if you’re all able to communicate well, it should curb future awkward gift exchanges.” MiskatonicUAlum
How you went about this was rude and ill mannered. There is a far more appropriate way to address this issue. Your MIL was ntj. In this situation you were.
1. AITJ For Having A Music Room?
“I live in a 2-bedroom apartment. It’s for low-income families but at the moment it’s just me. I’m a music student with both bass and drums. I use my furthest bedroom as my music room where I practice. The way the floorplan is set up the apartment to my left mirrors mine but the one to my right is opposite and only one floor.
I’ve lived here for the last 6 years and have gotten along with my neighbors.
Last month a new couple moved into the left apartment with a newborn. Maybe a week old at that point so now a month. I’m unsure how they had it set up for the first two weeks but two weeks ago I was practicing on the drums and was interrupted by pounding on the door because I woke the baby up.
I apologized and double-checked my soundproofing (padding but also have a drum booth) but found no gaps. The sound is muffled but loud enough to be heard in the mirrored room but nowhere else in the other apartment. I know that based on that guy that lived there before.
A few days later it happened again while practicing and I noticed I could hear the baby crying almost perfectly. I got in a screaming match with the husband and we got the apartment manager to come out and settle it.
Turns out they put the kid’s crib right on the other side of the wall where my drums setup is. The couple said that was the only room with the amount of natural light they wanted for the kid. They told me to move the room I used for music and I agreed as long as they footed the bill for the soundproofing and they called me a jerk.
Now they have been calling in none stop noise complaints.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
Babies shouldn’t be kept in absolute silence while they sleep, that’s what makes them even fussier when they do hear a noise. That’s why new parents are encouraged to do things like run the vacuum while their little one is sleeping, or why white noise machines are given as gifts for new parents.
They’re used to noises when they’re in utero (that’s why it’s encouraged to talk to the baby) so absolute silence is alarming to them.
I would suggest asking your neighbors what would be a good time for you to practice. They have to leave some time to go to doctor’s appointments or get groceries, or heck even to just take a walk and get some fresh air!
Being willing to compromise is the adult thing to do for both parties.
I’m sure they’re a bit frazzled and starting to feel the lack of sleep a new baby brings and everything is upside down in their world. Showing some empathy really doesn’t cost anything.
But I’m also super petty and would probably play something like Rockabye Baby! and tell them it’s for the baby.” seanymphcalypso
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It may not have bothered your previous neighbor but it is certainly bothering the new ones.
You don’t get to decide that their wanting to use both their rooms at their own discretion is unreasonable. Also, the parents with an infant aren’t being entitled like so many have said, newsflash, YOU ARE. They should be allowed to use their space as they see fit without fear that LITERAL DRUMS are going to be coming through the walls.
Unfortunately, infants are very difficult to sleep train and the parents are likely losing LOTS of sleep from your noisiness which is completely unfair to them parents or not.
I’ve had plenty of friends who are musicians and even have one who owns a recording studio and no matter how much you soundproof a room, especially in an apartment, you’re going to get sounds of the bass and vibrations coming through all over.
Your expectation that everyone should deal with it, whether they like it or not because you’re a music student in an apartment, is absurd. Again, YTJ.” kdubsonfire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’ve gone to very considerable lengths to avoid making an issue for your neighbors with your equipment and no one else has or has ever had a problem, even the new neighbors, until they decided to ram their baby’s crib right up against the exact spot in the only room in the entire building where vibration transference might be an issue.
What is so freaking special about ‘the light’ that they can’t move the stupid crib a couple of feet one way or the other and go back to how things were before they jammed the kid up against the only conduction point in the building? Another case of entitled parents being complete jerks because the entire existing universe has to revolve around their spawn.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“YTJ!
Have you been to the neighbor’s place to check the noise level since you got new neighbors to really know for certain what it sounds like? Left any recording devices at their place while you play music at your place and later played it back to hear if there’s any sound coming through their place?
Seriously, I can’t believe you’ve gotten away with it this long by having drums and bass in an apartment.
That setup is meant for a house or at least a garage. Your other neighbors were just nice and kept the peace I’m sure because of the cheaper rent. It seems like no matter how much you try to keep the noise out, it’s going to creep through somewhere because it’s an apartment. If they keep making noise complaints, you might have to look for a new place. There may even be a noise ordinance in your area.” SwimmingParticular98
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