People Open Up About Their Intriguing "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Hating That I Have The Same Name As My Sister-In-Law's?
“My brother recently married a woman who has a young daughter (7 years old I think). They only dated for a short while and were engaged for less than a year, but that’s a different story. If this comes off like I don’t like my SIL, that’s kinda true. She’s a bit snobby and entitled and I haven’t had a lot of positive interactions with her.
This is kinda relevant.
I have an uncommon name, but it’s not totally unique. Just kinda old fashioned and has a pretty long name too. For the sake of this post let’s say I’m ‘Maryanne.’ (Not actually it).
I’ve gone by my full name my whole life, and I’ve always rejected nicknames. I happen to like how it sounds.
Let’s say my SIL’s daughter is ‘Marianna’.
My SIL took to calling me nicknames. For this analogy, she calls me ‘Mary’. I absolutely hate the shortened version of my name. I’ve asked her multiple times not to call me it, and she always ‘forgets’. I’ve taken to ignoring her if she says the wrong name, but apparently, that’s rude.
She says it’s confusing since I have such a similar name to her daughter and it’s easier to remember/say the nickname instead of my own. I’ve told her if she liked it so much she can give her kid the nickname, but I won’t tolerate it anymore from her. According to her and my brother, I’m being ‘aggressive’ and childish and it’s not that big of a deal.
I asked how she’d feel if I called her the wrong thing or called her daughter a name she doesn’t like. She obviously hasn’t responded to those questions.
She’s been saying I’m only being ‘difficult’ because I dislike her and she doesn’t see why it’s such a big deal. I know I may have come off as kinda a jerk but tbh you should call someone something they don’t like.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – look her dead in the face and call her a slightly different name in response. If SIL’s name is Rachel – look her dead in the eye and reply ‘I’m sorry Rebecca, what did you say?’ and own it – yes I am calling you by another name b/c when you do it to me it feels very disrespectful and I do not like it. Repeat as needed.” HoloNailPolish
15. AITJ For Saying I Want My Third Child To Be A Boy?
“I am happily married with 2 lovely girls, ages 3 and 2. While initially my husband and I decided we would have 2 kids we decided to have a 3rd one when his business flourished and he is now earning a good stable income.
We are successful and 2 weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant again.
We threw a small party at my place and when my SIL asked if we know their gender yet, I replied that we haven’t but I would very much want my 3rd child to be a boy since we have 2 girls already.
My SIL suddenly asked if I would abort if it’s a girl, in front of my girls (hopefully they don’t understand what that word means).
There was an awkward pause as I wonder what does she imply by that? That I would treasure my child’s gender over their life? My husband quickly changed the topic when he noticed a change of mood.
When they left my husband told me that maybe I should have avoided saying such things as my SIL is a feminist.
I say that she is way out of line. Of course, I would love my 3rd child no matter which gender they are or would be, but one can hope before the results right?”
Another User Comments:
“I told my kid (stepson) early on – around 3.5 yo – that my father is a liar and he should always check with me before believing anything my father told him.
You can be honest with your kids and do so in an age-appropriate way they understand. ‘Aunt X sometimes likes to say things to hurt people’s feelings. If she ever says something to you that makes you sad, come tell me.’
Something along those lines, anyway. That way the kid has a base for why person X does Y and doesn’t automatically internalize it.
Of course, if you are right, the aunt won’t wait until the kid is old enough to understand – she’s saying something nasty to OP and her spouse. And that’s when OP needs to calmly get up in her face and give her the one and only warning to keep her jerk mouth shut about their family.” PeskyStabber
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I was told the same thing about my grandmother… Not that she was a liar per se, but that not all the information she tells me is true. She is schizophrenic (stable but has small delusions and other minor things. She’s never been a threat, just says things that aren’t true to our reality but are true in hers.) The first time I heard one of these lies was when I was 6 or 7 driving past a traveling fair.
I asked my parents if we could go ride the swing ride, my grandmother was in the car and piped up saying that especially that fair was VERY dangerous and that needles were always on the fairgrounds and that I would be pricked by a needle and get sick and possibly die. Freaked me out a lot, my parents quickly changed the subject but once we dropped my grandmother off at her house my parents had to tell me that anything I heard from granny wasn’t to be trusted until I spoke to my parents.
I’m 21 now and have a decent time understanding when she’s in her reality vs mine… But unfortunately, it’s just something I had to become aware of and tell people who visited her the same thing.
She won’t hurt you, but always double-check her stories with someone who was actually there… I had to cut my grandmother off for a while after she had a huge blow-up watching me once.
My parents went away to Vegas for a few days and left my grandmother watching me. They had told her it was ok if I had friends/my partner over and that they trusted me so I didn’t need to be supervised with them (I was 16 or 17) My partner and I were in my room watching a live stream of a game (the door wasn’t wide open but it wasn’t closed either.) At most, my partner and I were snuggling on the bed maybe giving a few kisses to each other…
5 minutes into watching the live stream my grandmother comes storming into my room demanding to know what we were doing. Confused af we both said ‘nothing we are just watching tv’ she dragged us out of my room and made us sit on the couch as she yelled at us about how she ‘knew what we were doing’ and that it wasn’t appropriate.
It went on for no joke 15 minutes before it’s like a flip switched and she said ‘ok would you like to go watch tv again or would you like me to take your partner home’ we decided going home was the better option.
My parents LOST IT on her when they came home and I told them what happened.
They basically said what in God’s loving name said it was ok to treat our daughter like that. We said it was ok for her bf to be over, even in her room alone. She came in to apologize but I told her I didn’t want to accept the apology at the time and she left.
Fast forward a few months my partner, his family, my family, and my grandmother are all camping, and my partner and I decide to go watch a movie in the tent while the adults chat. None of our parents cared and my grandmother sat there like 0.0 as we went to the tent. Later that day she pulled me aside and gave me another apology stating she didn’t believe it was ok that we were alone together and just had a feeling something was going on but that was wrong and she was sorry.
I forgave her and let her know a piece of my mind about how she’s not my parents and I love her but she has no right to scream at me and my so about anything like that again.
That was the last big incident she had… I think she knows that if she pulls a shot like that again I probably won’t forgive her so she’s much better behaved with my SOs.” CoCa_Coa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I am a feminist. My first child is a boy, and I had no preference for my first. All things equal, if I had a choice, I would want my next child to be a girl. But it is certainly not a deal-breaker and I would love my child just as much regardless of his or her gender.
Wanting a boy or girl is perfectly fine. Gender disappointment, when you find out the gender, is normal. It’s okay to feel sad. And you know, plenty of parents don’t immediately ‘love’ their baby the moment they come into this world as well. Sometimes that love has to be grown and nurtured. The bond can take time to form. That’s okay. It’s normal.
Your SIL is the tactless jerk though.” LiberateLiterates
14. AITJ For Throwing Money At My Aunt's Face And Calling Her Names?
“I (20F) and my little sis (7F) lost our parents six years ago in an accident. Our grandparents took care of us after that, but they’ve always been kind of uncaring from the start. My uncle (35M) was the one who was actually there for us when we had nobody. He’s been the older brother/father figure in our lives.
My sis loves him to death, and he really cares about us unlike everyone else.
Two weeks ago, my uncle invited us to come to stay with him for a few days. My aunt has never liked us, and she always complains or makes rude remarks about how we orphans should be grateful that she’s letting my uncle buy things for us, or how I should be grateful I’m a young girl because that’s the only reason he’s helping us, etc.
A few days ago, my sis accidentally dropped the T.V remote and it stopped working. Honestly, it was in a bad shape already and it was really old, but my aunt blamed it on her. She went on a huge rant about how we were ruining her house, and how we were being ungrateful. She brought up her own ten-year-old son and told us that we should try to be like him, how he was really well-mannered etc.
Her son is not well-mannered at all. He constantly calls us orphans. He always snatches the remote/food from my sister, saying that it was his house and his T.V., his food. Usually, I ignore the comments because it’s true and just take my sister and go back to my room, but when my sister dropped the remote and my aunt made comments about her, I couldn’t tolerate it.
She kept demanding money (which I would’ve given her even if she didn’t ask), and she kept calling my sis ‘ungrateful little idiot’ and said that she should know her place. I would ignore it if it was about me, but my sister is all I have. I grabbed my purse from my room and threw the money she was asking at her face.
I was literally in tears. I called her a ‘greedy witch’ and left without saying anything else. (My uncle was not home during all of this).
Now, my aunt is demanding an apology, and my grandparents are angry with me. They say that my aunt was kind enough to let me stay there, and I shouldn’t be ungrateful when I have nobody.
They want me to apologize, but I don’t want to. It was my uncle who helped me and wanted me to stay, not her and her son. My uncle told me not to worry about it, but my grandparents are pressuring me. I just want an outside perspective on this. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
These family members seem horribly mean (except for uncle).
If you can, I suggest you move out and raise your sister. I’m thinking your grandparents get money and help from your late parents as well as from the state.
If they want an apology, next time get your uncle and aunt on the phone. Apologize to YOUR UNCLE ONLY. Thank him for his hospitality and apologize profusely for leaving early.
That should torque your aunt off. Also, next time he offers to bring you over, politely thank him and say because your aunt and you don’t get along, you can’t stay there anymore.” BisquickNinja
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. Your aunt and your grandparents though? Huge jerks. I cannot comprehend the idea of saying you need to be grateful because you ‘have nobody.’ You’ve lost your parents, but you haven’t lost your family, as is evidenced by your uncle.
They need to stop pretending life is a fairy tale of woebegone hidden orphans that are maidservants and step into reality. If they had any shred of decency, they’d realize that THEY are your family and THEY were responsible for helping you through grief and finding solace, rather than rubbing your loss in your face at every turn.
And she is a greedy witch. Kids have accidents, it’s part of life.” dizzy_dizzy_dinosaur
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your aunt is a horrible person! And so are your grandparents. No, she was not kind enough to let you stay there. Your uncle wanted you to stay there. I assume he’s the one that works and pays for everything.
Does your aunt even have a job? What your uncle does with his money is none of her business. You are his family. Is the 10-year-old your uncle’s son too? Allowing that behavior is horrible! Calling you orphans is disgusting. You need to sit down and talk to your uncle. Tell him that you and your sister love him, that he is incredible and you are so thankful he has always been there for you.
But tell him his wife is disrespectful. That she calls you names, that she lets her son call you names and treat you like crap. Tell him everything. Tell him you’re worried about how this is going to affect your sister mentally because she is so young and that she really loves and looks up to him.” seba_make
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your family aside from your uncle are toxic and horrible. I’m sorry you have to deal with them. Do not apologize to your aunt, she’s done nothing to deserve it. Your grandparents also don’t deserve any kind of respect or attention to be paid to their terrible opinions as they couldn’t be bothered to actually care about you.
Your uncle seems like a good guy, which is amazing considering the horrible woman he married and horrible grandparents you have.
You and your sister deserve so much better than what your aunt, cousin, and grandparents think you do. Does your uncle know how wretched they are to you? Does he know what a little entitled brat his son is? Is there any way for your uncle to have a place set up for you and your sister where the two of you are living away from those horrible excuses for relatives?” CrypticBogBadger
13. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Neighbor Because Of Her Parenting Method?
“I (24F) saw my neighbor’s son standing outside the other day at about 5 pm. I didn’t think anything at first. I just went out to see my friend. I came back an hour later and her son was still standing there with his hands behind his back. I waved at him and asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was on time out.
Okay. That’s fair. I go inside and forget about it. At about 8 pm, I look out of my window, and lo and behold, the kid is still there. I went to him and asked him why he wasn’t going inside. He said his mom wouldn’t let him. This child is literally 6-7 years old.
I knocked on their door and told his mom something like ‘I don’t want to teach you how to parent your child, but he’s been standing out here for hours. I think it’s a little much.’
This lady just tells me that she was teaching him discipline and that his actions had consequences. I tried to tell her that it was dark, and it was dangerous for a child to be alone outside.
She snaps at me to stay out of it, and I’m not really that brave or anything so I go back. At about 9 pm, I knock on her door again because I’m so worried for this kid.
I told her to let him in, and she told me to get lost. At this point, I’m pretty sure she’s doing it just to spite me because who does that to a kid.
Is this normal? I can’t tell. I don’t have kids.
Anyway, I went back and called the police. They talked to her for a while and left. She finally agreed to let the kid inside. I talked about this with my partner, and he thinks I shouldn’t have interfered. Some parents are super strict and that’s ok.
I don’t know what the kid did. My partner thinks maybe the kid did something to deserve the punishment. I feel like I might have overreacted and shouldn’t have called the police. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the weather was nice, the time outside isn’t that big of a deal. My parents used to make me stay outside much longer just because they thought it was good for me (it was).
Given that OP can see the kid from her property, it can’t be that rural which also reduces the risk of environmental risks. The late-night is a bit concerning because that may be scary for someone that young, but not necessarily as I also used to spend a lot of time outside at night stargazing even when I was that young, and sometimes by myself.
The part that really bothers me is the standing and use of being outside as punishment. I was never put outside as punishment although it was sometimes against my preference. It is a bad association. And standing for long periods of time is absolutely a form of torture and is used that way globally. I think there was an SVU episode where they made kids stand in one spot for hours on end.
It can be very damaging to the legs. And you are right about the length of the time out itself. At that age, there really isn’t anything that deserves a 4+ hour time out. It isn’t healthy for their psychology and this has been documented over and over. Maybe a restriction like no TV for a week, but isolation as a punishment should be proportional to wrongdoing and take age into account.” madcuzimflagrant
Another User Comments:
“My mum did this with me as a child.
My mum is FYI a raging psychopath. But I displeased her somehow when I was about 5 and she sent me to stand out outside in the garden until I had learned my lesson and she allowed me to come back in to apologize. This was around 4 pm when I just got back from school.
Spoiler alert: anything I had done was incredibly minor or more likely totally invented to move the goalposts to mess with me. Like she’d detail how to do a chore, I’d copy it exactly and she’d scream that she’d said do the opposite. Very handy to make herself feel superior.
Well, dinnertime came and went and I was still out there.
We usually ate at about 7 because my dad worked late.
It’s about 9 and getting dark and I am still out there. I’m cold and I really really need to pee but I’m too scared to move from the spot she ordered me to stand in.
Just as I start to realize she’s going to leave me out there all night, all the lights go on in our house and my mum runs out screaming ‘oh my god Ifeelmoigerbil isn’t in the house.
She’s not in her bed!’ and starts running and hitting on all the neighbors’ doors screaming ‘have you seen her?’
We lived in a row of terraced houses with a gate out onto a communal drive and then the garden was off the drive. Each garden had a garage and what do you know? The spot she stood me in was behind the garage.
No one could see me from the communal bit.
She told everyone she had searched the house and garden and all the men started getting torches and going round the other gardens and sheds. They searched for about two hours and then someone suggested calling the police. I could hear all of this and was too scared to make any noise because I knew I’d get in so much trouble later.
My mum sends my dad into the garden at that point and he finds me. He genuinely has no idea I was there and is so thank God, none of the adults notice I’m not in pajamas but school clothes.
I am ushered inside and my mum immediately starts screaming at me why was I in the garden? Why didn’t I come when called? I remind her she put me there and said not to move until I had her permission.
She denies any such thing and I get the belt for lying, running away, and humiliating her to the neighbors. The next day she makes me to go every single house to apologize to the neighbors for scaring them all and being naughty.
I am 41 years old and I can remember the exact pattern of the side of the garage perfectly even now.
I can remember being so frightened I couldn’t make my feet move. I remember being incredibly cold and I remembered being absolutely terrified that I would wet myself and bargaining in my head that I wouldn’t. I remember feeling completely alone in the world and totally and utterly betrayed when I realized my mum set it all up.
I cannot remember what thing I had done wrong or was meant to learn.
And for the rest of the time, we lived in that house my mum always pulled the ‘you have no idea what has to deal with, remember the night she ran away’ card if any adult questioned anything about me.
So yes, you are NTJ for calling CPS and your partner is a weapons-grade jerk for thinking there is any justifiable reason a child was standing in the street denied food, water, and a toilet for hours (and depending on where OP lives that could be extreme heat right now to make it worse) and totally unsupervised and unsafe both in the street and at home.
Please call CPS again if you see any other signs. Please also note down anything strange or that feels hinky about the mom even if it seems benign. Time it, date it, and note down any neighborhood rumors too. This can help CPS hugely.
Many people are scared to call CPS for fear of making it worse for the kid but keeping notes can be really proactive without that risk.
And ask yourself what kind of partner you have who thinks doing that is ever reasonable. If he has a traumatic background that could explain it but just means he should seek help especially if you ever plan to have kids.” IFeelMoiGerbil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
‘Some parents are super strict’ but I don’t think that’s okay, not when it puts the physical or emotional well-being at risk.
I was raised by super strict parents, and it simply resulted in me and my siblings rebelling and becoming the opposite of what they wanted (we just hide it from them, even as adults, limiting whatever relationship we could have had). For example, I spilled my cup of juice at dinner one time, my dad screamed at me and told me to stand in the corner of the living room, facing the wall, when everyone else ate dinner and I wasn’t allowed to have dinner.
For spilling juice. I was around 6 at the time. My siblings snuck dinner up to my room later. So the only thing it taught me was that if I make the timeliest, most insignificant mistake that doesn’t hurt anyone, I should be humiliated publicly and shamed, and get an unreasonable amount of punishment. As an adult, I’m a pushover, acting as a servant, desperate not to mess up/cause confrontation.
If I disappoint someone, I break down and worry about it for months or years.
Parenting that is cruel – or super strict, as you defined it here – does not accomplish anything good. It’s just for the ego of the parent, and it’s abuse. Punishment should match the ‘crime’ and shouldn’t include shaming or deprivation of basic human needs.
I wonder what this poor kid did to make his mom justify this punishment.
Kudos to you. Look out for that kid. Screw anyone who says ‘it’s not your business’ or ‘stay off it.’ Kids are not the parents’ property anymore. If someone expects a citizen to step up when an old lady is being pushed around/harassed by a man on the street, they better expect you to also step in when a parent is being abusive.
Abuse is abuse.
I wish an adult had called the police on my parents, maybe I would have had a safer childhood…” SomethingComesHere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m pretty sure I was once the jerk. I lived in this tiny apartment complex when I was younger. The next-door neighbors were a mom and a son. He was probably 7ish.
She was awful to him. One evening I just happened to look out my window to see her throw this boy out the door. As in she had picked his whole body from the ground and threw him like a garbage bag into the yard. He didn’t even cry. He had a nasty wound on his cheek when he sat up.
I came out, collected him, and brought him into my apartment. I made him lunch and we watched the Lion King. Twice. He fell asleep on my couch like a little angel.
It got dark and not once did that women open her door to check on him. I didn’t want to call the cops, because I was afraid to make trouble for him, so I knocked on her door and just told her I was next door, and I thought maybe he’d been locked out. I called the endangered child hotline and gave them the specifics. I don’t know if anything came of it, but a month or so later, their belongings had been set out. I’m guessing for non-payment of rent. That was almost 30 years ago and I think about him all the time.” Loftymattress
12. AITJ For Leaving A Child Unsupervised?
“I‘m hard of hearing, and my room is the furthest from the door. Restrictions are starting to ease in my country, which is cool and everything. I’ve been doing two summer courses. Finals are coming up, I have other commitments, so my sleep schedule has been wack. This is all relevant.
The story: A few days ago my aunt texts my mother (her sister), and asks her if she can leave her daughter (7) at ours, while she catches up with a few friends at someplace (think it’s a restaurant).
My mom said she’ll be out from 1:30-2:30 pm, buying some groceries and other stuff, but could you please drop the daughter off at 3:30 pm). My aunt agrees, says that she’ll come by at 3:30, and we’re all chill with this.
I’m chilling at home, and I’ve just finished a huge assignment for a class, it looks awesome, and at around 2:00, I take a nap, because I have to work later.
So, I’m in my room, asleep, the door is shut.
My aunt comes by at 2:30 pm, knocks on the door, and leaves her daughter under the assumption that my mother’s home, and if not, I’ll be there and I’ll open the door. That doesn’t happen. I’m asleep, and my mother got held up for a few minutes.
My mother arrives about 5-6 minutes later, sees the daughter, alone, figures out what happened, lets her in, and wakes me up, and she calls her sister up, telling her that this was a wildly irresponsible move.
My aunt is furious, both at my mother for giving a deadline that she didn’t meet (being home at 2:30 PM) and at me for not taking her daughter in.
(I literally would have never heard the door.) My mum isn’t mad at me, because she maintains that the arranged meeting was at 3:30 PM, so it’s literally on my aunt (also who tf leaves a child unsupervised??? at least check if we’re here????)
A few people in my family have texted my mum and me saying my aunt is devastated that we left her daughter unsupervised and that we risked her life, so, what do you think? Are we in the wrong here?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your aunt basically abandoned her child at what could have been an empty house. You and your mom could both have been called away, or absent briefly for any number of reasons. Heck, you could have both been dead! She dumped a 7-year-old without handing her off to another adult, so she could hang out in a restaurant with friends.
This almost rises to the level of CPS. Your aunt was so eager to get to her friends that she left her child standing alone in what could have been an empty house, and rushed away. Just wow.” Unit-Healthy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d suggest talking to your aunt and the family who’s on her side with this and saying something along the lines of ‘So you left your child outside our house, a half-hour before you were supposed to bring her over? While you knew my mom would either be just leaving the store or on her way home and could be held up, you expected me who’s hard of hearing to know that you were knocking on the door.
Then you left your 7 yr old child outside and unsupervised on the assumption that either my mom or I would open the door after you left, while I was asleep. Tell me again, how are you not at fault for causing this situation?'” JLL1111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your aunt is the jerk and trying to spin it on you and your mum.
Your mum said ‘I’ll be gone from around 1:30 to 2:30 so 3:30 is best’ – deliberately building in a cushion for this very situation that she wouldn’t be home on the dot of 2:30. Your aunt chose to hear what she wanted, and assume what she wanted, and dropped her child off without making absolutely SURE there was a conscious adult on the premises to hand her child off to.
That’s her JOB as a mum and it’s on her that she didn’t do it. The rest of the family is being ridiculous. That she’s ‘devastated’ does not make her right.” B4pangea
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! YOU didn’t leave her daughter unsupervised, SHE DID!
Who drops a 7-year old off anywhere and leaves before someone has answered the door? Even if the arrangement had been for her to come at 2:30 you still make sure your kid gets inside the house safely! Let alone turning up an hour early and just abandoning the child on your doorstep. Your aunt is completely irresponsible and 100% the only jerk in this situation! This isn’t on you or your mother in the slightest and your aunt is just lucky that your mum for back so quickly and that nothing terrible happened before she did” Many-Rest
11. AITJ For Not Apologizing After Deadnaming A Transgender Person?
“Before 2020, I (25F) went to a party at a friend’s house, let’s call him T. Backstory: I’ve known T since were in high school, but he’s 2 years older than me. In HS around 10 years ago, we were part of the same ‘alternative’ large social group. At the time that meant we were into art and alt music, but looking back most of us were queer/LGBTQ (I’m bi).
One of the older students was R. R was a really quiet and shy person, but we would have nice conversations during recess and lunch. At the time, R ‘identified’ (don’t know if that’s the best term) as a lesbian, and had a relationship with one of my friends. I’ve always been fond of R, and they gave me a very sweet nickname that my friends still use to this day.
I also called them by a particular nickname (this is important). After R graduated and went to art school, I lost touch with them because they weren’t on social media.
In January, I went to the party at T’s house. When I got there I saw R coming out of a different room. I was very excited to see them, and went over and said: ‘HI ‘NICKNAME’!!!!!!!!!!!!’.Now, this nickname is a very common one for R’s birth name and is always perceived as a female name.
When I said this, I could see R’s face fall, and they got very uncomfortable. Some people around us also got defensive. Looking closer, I could see that R was presenting in a masculine way, with a short haircut and some facial hair. I immediately realized that R was probably trans (which was later confirmed to me by T, the host) and that I had deadnamed him.
I’ve never felt worse, but I was frozen. He said hi to me, but quickly went to get a drink and didn’t say anything else.
I really wanted to apologize, but I also didn’t want to bring more attention to him. As I said before, he is a very shy and non-confrontational person, and I guess that’s why he didn’t tell me the name he has chosen.
He also had no way of knowing if I was a transphobe or not. When we were in school together, trans issues were not discussed at all.
After a while, at the party, I managed to figure out his name, and when we were both in the kitchen I made sure to ask him directly ‘Hey R, you want a beer?’ When he left, he gave me a very short hug, which was nice because we hugged a lot back in school.
Because of the hug, I feel like he knows I deadnamed him by mistake and was not trying to be cruel. But even so, I did something very hurtful and didn’t apologize because I didn’t want to be awkward. I’ve thought about this for months. I feel like a jerk and would like to know your opinion.
Should I try to get in touch now and apologize, or would that be even more uncomfortable? If something similar happens in the future, how can I be more respectful and kind? I especially hope to hear from trans people, and any transphobic opinions are NOT WANTED.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
If you want to be in touch with R to let him (them?) know this incident has stayed with you and you would be grateful if he would hear and accept your apology, then, by all means, do so.
But you are not a jerk if you don’t, and you’re not a jerk for happening in the first place. You didn’t know, and you further didn’t know if apologizing would make things better or worse at the moment. All of that explanation can be part of this apology you make now, months later — if you want.
Or, just let it go.” Snausagefestivus
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You didn’t know, you corrected yourself when you did know and didn’t make a scene about it.
As far as apologizing goes it depends on your relationship with R. As a trans person, I would appreciate the effort of someone apologizing to me for misgendering me however getting that apology months later out of the blue could be weirdish? Like I’d prefer not to think about it and would question if it’s you want to apologize to me for my sake or if you want me to reassure you that you’re not a bad person rather than because you genuinely feel bad.
In my experience, the best time to apologize is right at the moment otherwise drop it and just make the effort to keep using the right pronouns. It’s so much better to get ‘she – sorry -them’ and move on than a tearful big apology that I have to suddenly put a bunch of effort into being forgiving than actually them feeling bad for it if that makes sense.
Not saying that’s how you’d be or anything – obviously this matters to you and you’d want to apologize genuinely, but waiting so long to bring it up can come across as ‘I want you to tell me I’m not bad’ rather than ‘I genuinely want to apologize’.
TLDR: probably better to just make an effort to continue to use the correct name and pronouns than put out an apology that might come across as insincere.
Also if you have any more specific questions about how trans people react to deadnaming and misgendering feel free to message me I’m non-binary and have several trans friends.” red-k-alex
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m a trans man, too, and I’ve been in similar situations. People almost always apologize immediately when they misgender/deadname me (and it doesn’t make me feel any better or worse), but I would completely understand if they wouldn’t for this exact reason.
I don’t think you were being transphobic, rather, I think you were trying to be considerate in a way that you just didn’t want to make him feel worse.
These situations aren’t always easy to handle. Trans people and issues were practically unheard of when I was in high school (2011 grad). I didn’t even fully realize that I was trans (because I didn’t really even know what being trans was or what it meant) until I was about 20.
I think only in recent years has it been coming up more often, and we’re still kind of navigating this, I guess I’ll call it the ‘awkward phase’ in how we should approach trans issues, including situations like this one.” User
Another User Comments:
“As a trans person myself, I’d say no jerks here. These things happen and the best you can do is to just correct yourself on the spot or move on from it and make sure you do better next time.
That being said, I’d also like to add that if you know someone’s pronouns, you should use them. I say this specifically because you went from referring to your friend as ‘them’ to ‘he’. Some people are fine being referred to as they/then but generally, if you know someone uses he/him or she/her you should stick to those. Non-trans people tend to lean on/them for trans people as an attempt to be inoffensive but if I’m a woman I want to be referred to as a woman normally would, being called they/them because I’m trans feels really othering.” Banii-Hime
10. AITJ For Wanting To Get Rid Of My Neighbors?
“6 months ago I finally bought my dream apartment, big home, private parking, big balcony, first floor, seriously all I could dream of after years, I couldn’t be happier!
But then, new neighbors came living in the apartment above me and they are giving me absolute misery, they have 3 small kids who are constantly hanging in their balcony right above my room pretty much from 8 am to 6 pm straight, being small kids, they are constantly screaming their guts out, crying and shouting all day long also polluting my balcony as they’re throwing loads of trash from theirs, and if that wasn’t enough, they’re ALWAYS dragging the furniture in their house, and as they live above me, it is super loud, how much furniture can you move? Make up your darn mind.
I am a student who studies online from home due to the current health crisis, and I find it hard to focus on class and homework with kids screaming right outside my window, also, I’m a night owl, and when I have days off school I love getting those extra hours of sleep I lose during the week, but they simply won’t let me, yesterday I had a day off, they woke me up at 8 am, then at 8:20, then at 9:00, and a few more times until I gave up at 11 am and got up really tired and wishing I could get some sleep, and I noticed it really affects my mental condition as I become really agitated when tired and can’t focus on my assignments.
I tried the talking approach as that’s how I solve my problems, I talked with them nicely a few times about the furniture dragging and they said ‘they’ll do their best,’ but really not much has changed, I get that they’re small kids and being those they like to play and that I can’t ‘complain’ about it to them since they’ll just say ‘It’s what small kids do’, but where’s the limit? I might sound like a jerk but I don’t think being a kid is an excuse to have no limits, when I was a kid and I’d become noisy my parents just told me to be quiet because there are people around us.
Now, I can use some ‘dirty’ cards to try and make them move away (using the fact they’re ultra-orthodox), but I really don’t want to, it feels awful, it really is, but on the other hand, I’m just suffering too much from them and I really don’t want to leave my dream home because people can’t discipline their kids!
Man I feel hopeless.”
Another User Comments;
“To me, your question of AITJ borders down to morals and ethics.
You then have to ask yourself who do you want to be – morally and ethically correct or happy.
Whatever people say – laws, ethics or not I don’t see how morals are tied with happiness.
So I say, have fun and use all the dirty tricks you can think of. But as a side note don’t get too involved as constantly thinking about may drive you to be further annoyed.” mgsto
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Noisy neighbors are a pox on humanity! Currently saving up myself to find somewhere with thick walls away from the stupidly loud lifeform upstairs. My sympathies on your current predicament.” PurpleJager
9. AITJ For Time Travelling In A Video Game?
“My family owns a Switch. It is a family Switch meaning that it belongs to the whole family.
I recently bought the new Animal Crossing to play and it’s a lot of fun! Something they do is, on Sundays, a character will visit your island selling turnips. Then you can sell them throughout the week for a profit and earn a lot of bells.
This character only appears Sunday from 5 am to noon.
Here’s the issue. I have a younger sister (A) who is 19. She’s autistic (this is important) and is the person who uses the Switch the most. Video games are her special interest.
When I first got the game, she insisted that I never time travel. She said that it’s wrong and that it might mess up her other games.
I just shrugged and was like ‘sure’ because I had no interest anyways. (Time travel is when you change the time on the Switch to trick the game into thinking it’s later/earlier.)
Well, this morning, I missed the turnips. I was bummed because I really wanted some. So, after talking with some friends who’ve time-traveled and ensuring it won’t screw anything up, I set the time on the Switch back by a few hours, logged in, bought turnips, logged out, and changed the time back.
Later on tonight I was playing and A saw my turnips. She mentioned that she knew I slept in and asked how I got them. I was reluctant to answer but it didn’t matter because there was only one way I could get them if I had slept in.
She put it together and blew up. She yelled that I ‘violated her trust’ and was annoyed that I could have potentially messed up one of her other games.
I told her that everything was fine and it was harmless. Well, she had a bit of a meltdown, stating it was a ‘matter of principle’ that I hadn’t respected her wishes. I told her that she was being ridiculous and that it was MY game I bought with MY money and this wasn’t even HER Switch.
She said it might as well be hers because she uses it the most.
I went upstairs for some peace and later my mom found me and told me that playing by the rules was something very serious for A as a result of her autism and told me I shouldn’t time travel anymore because she doesn’t want A to have another meltdown.
I think it’s all so stupid especially since it’s my game but apparently, I’m the jerk for disrespecting my sister’s quirks. So, AITJ?
EDIT: After reading the replies, I realized how much of a jerk I was being. I found my sister, apologized to her for violating her trust and promised not to time travel again. She told me that, after some thought, she be okay with me time traveling as long as I reset the time after I log out.
So we have a deal and we’re both happy with it. All is well again. Thank you guys for being a necessary wake-up call!”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Because you broke your word. If you really wanted to time travel, you should have discussed it with her first, explaining the situation and the research you did. But if you break your word, then you aren’t a very trustworthy person.
That has ramifications beyond the switch games.” sqitten
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. I think YTJ for getting upset over HER getting upset for something YOU did. It’s stupid and unimportant to you, but it isn’t to her. It may seem overbearing to you, but it clearly deeply upsets her if you time travel. I can understand why it’s frustrating for you, which is why I’m saying a soft YTJ.
It’s understandable, but you made an agreement and are upset that you got caught and she reacted poorly, which is trashy. You knew the risks” user003246
Another User Comments:
“Very soft YTJ. Since you share the switch, time-traveling can mess with her turnips as well and cause them to be ruined. Any time traveling in previous AC games would cause them to rot immediately.
You did also give her your word. Next time, you could ask her to buy you extras and send them to you via mail in case you sleep in so no one has to time travel.” glassesclub
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You bought the game, your family bought the switch, right? Your mother should get your sister her own copy of the game to play. It’s not fair to expect you to play a game meant for relaxing with your sister’s rules and restrictions on it.” gibcyndaquilpls
8. AITJ For Not Involving My Fiancé's Mother In Wedding Planning?
“I have a less than ideal relationship with my soon-to-be-mother-in-law (MIL). I went to uni with my fiance’s sister (SIL) and we were friends for 3 years, during which time I met MIL, who liked me. Then when we graduated her brother (my now-fiance) came to our graduation and we hit it off.
6 months later I re-met the parents as their son’s partner and I got the feeling MIL no longer liked me.
Things got worse from there. MIL had a key to his place, and a habit of just letting herself in, so when he asked me to move in I said I wasn’t comfortable so he asked MIL for her key, which added to MIL’s dislike.
There were a few other events, but the worst one was last summer when SIL got engaged.
I helped her elope, and the parents weren’t invited. MIL lost her mind and asked if I helped. I told the truth, and MIL went from dislike to hatred, despite it being SIL’s idea.
Now my fiance and I are engaged, and MIL knows. She wants us to have the big white wedding SIL didn’t. I told her no, but she could tag along for stuff like dress shopping.
She started talking about ballgowns, and I responded that I’m going for something simpler. She responded that was absurd and that the wedding had to look like a wedding somehow, and then began listing things she wanted to do as questions (‘can I do food?’ ‘flowers?’ ‘venue?’) and for all of them, I said that this was going to be something me and my fiance decided together and closer to the time, as we haven’t even decided on a year to get married in yet.
It’s been about a week since that initial conversation and MIL has been texting me daily asking for updates. My fiance has texted her asking her to back off, and I’ve said I’ll let her know when planning starts, but MIL says she’s just excited. Then today she called to ask for updates and I got annoyed and said that she’d be lucky to get invited at this rate, then elaborated that she was being really pushy so I’d be planning this wedding without her input.
She got upset and has been messaging me asking for some say in her son’s wedding. My fiance has a few things he wants in the wedding, and he’s fine leaving the rest to me, and he’s planning the honeymoon, but he’s suggested finding something we don’t care about and letting MIL do it, but I don’t trust her enough tbh.
I feel like I might be the jerk because I intentionally hid that her only daughter was getting married for 2 months before the wedding specifically to stop MIL from being involved/attending, and now her only other child is getting married, I am again not letting her have any involvement in the planning despite her really wanting to and there admittedly being some parts I can compromise on.
The thing to really give me pause here is my fiance, who is mostly siding with me but has also said he feels a compromise could be reached, so I feel bad for not compromising.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ AT ALL. I was a bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding and she had a big wedding but her MIL absolutely drove her nuts the day of (she did in the planning too but she didn’t have a say, mostly just got updates on what plans were).
Day of she spent the entire morning sitting in the bridal suite continuously asking about the schedule for the day and if we have enough time and are we running late do we have this and this. All while we’re trying to literally get hair and makeup done, and after being sent at least 3 copies of the schedule in question.
Set the boundaries NOW, so you can at least try and avoid a similar situation. It’s YOUR wedding, I can’t tell you how many stories I read of ‘I let MIL plan this one little thing I didn’t care about to satisfy her and I showed up and it was ruined’ eye roll if you think there’s a chance of this, don’t let her have control of anything.” logicalideals
Another User Comments:
“Meh I’m somewhere between N T J and ‘everyone sucks here’ (you very lightly)
She needs to back off and you are not a jerk for setting boundaries.
She sounds like someone you and your fiancé will need to set boundaries with for your entire lives and have very real consequences for when she inevitably stomps on them.
But if you’re refusing to compromise on things you don’t necessarily care about just to spite her, that’s slight jerk behavior though I get why. If you give a small bit on these things she’s going to start pushing more on other things that you do really care about.
Edit: I don’t think there’s any way you can both be happy. But it’s your wedding, so you and your fiancé being happy is the most important piece.
Edit 2: definitely NTJ after reading some of the other stuff MIL has pulled in the comments.” MidwestCPA91
7. AITJ For Playing A Movie With An Adult Scene On My Birthday?
“I (20F) celebrated my birthday last weekend. I live with my parents and siblings, but my grandparents are temporarily living with us because of the health crisis, because of this, I decided to not invite anyone over on my birthday. My parents knew I was kind of bummed out because I didn’t get to have a 15th birthday party (which is an important tradition in my family/country) when I was younger and was hoping to make it up by having a party this year, so my mom (45F) rented a projector so we could have a movie night.
A few days before my birthday, I was talking to my father about how I didn’t know what movie to choose since my grandparents and siblings have a very different taste from mine, I was going to tell him about my options, but he cut me off and told me to stop worrying about what people think, saying it was my birthday and that I shouldn’t be a pushover.
He insisted whatever I picked would be fine.
In the end, I chose a 60’s movie I like a lot. I had watched it in school, and it got several Oscars at the time, so I assumed it would be fine. When we started watching the movie, my grandmother made a comment about how she’d already watched it and thought it was good.
About thirty minutes in, there was an adult scene, and my dad texted and told me to turn off the movie. I thought he wasn’t serious and sent him a meme that said: ‘It’s My Sleepover And I get to Pick The Movie’.
Some time passed, and there was another adult scene. He texted me much more upset and told me it was disrespectful to put my grandparents through this.
I think I should point out my grandfather had fallen asleep, and my grandma, who had already watched the movie, didn’t seem upset. I had a backup movie, so I decided to listen to my dad even though I didn’t really want to change it.
Before playing the backup movie, though, my sister and I projected some Care Bears videos, jokingly saying my dad would probably feel more comfortable if we watched that instead.
My dad got very annoyed at the comment and said that my sister and I don’t respect him.
I liked the backup movie, but the whole thing didn’t sit too well with me and it left me feeling kind of bitter. I think that maybe he’s right that it’s wasn’t the most family-friendly movie, but there was no one too young to watch movies with the themes featured, so I just assumed it might be awkward for a few minutes, I didn’t play it hoping to provoke or upset anyone, and since it’s a movie that was well-received when it came out, I didn’t think it would a problematic choice.
So I’m wondering, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ since the movie was age-appropriate for the audience and the people who were supposedly uncomfortable (your grandparents) didn’t actually care. Plus, you ended up changing the movie that everyone (including your dad) was fine with. Your dad is a little bit jerky because it sounds like he was the one who didn’t want to see the adult scene and he could have just said so.” notyourprotagonist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s not like this was Fifty Shades of Grey. There were a couple of adult scenes but everyone there was an adult I don’t see the problem. It seems like the only person who had the problem was your father, not your grandparents. He also already said you could pick whatever movie so??” littlebunnyfoofoo6
6. AITJ For Yelling At My Neighbors For Opening My Mail?
“The other day, I ordered a package on Amazon. The app said it was delivered, but it wasn’t outside or in my apartment complex’s mailroom.
The next day the package had been left haphazardly on my doorstep without an explanation and had been opened with a knife along with the tape and the protective seal missing from the product.
Being upset about the situation, I exclaimed about it appearing but being opened, and then said loudly and sarcastically in the stairwell of my building, ‘Well I hope you enjoyed my package!’
I guess some people didn’t like that because they’ve been loudly making fun of me in the stairwell and saying ‘how safe the neighborhood is’ and ‘how trustworthy our community is’ and how it wasn’t okay that I was upset basically and I’m overreacting.
I’d like to add that I’m the type of person to say hi to my neighbors in a friendly way but mostly I’ve been either ignored or treated unsavory except by a couple of people so I’m not exactly comfortable automatically assuming that my shampoo wasn’t tampered with… I ended up having to return it as I’ve had Nair added to my stuff before (edit: different situation) and I’m not messing with that again.
So, am I the jerk for being upset about the fact that my package was opened, returned to me without an explanation or a seal, and reacting at my neighbors? Should I not have said anything?
EDIT FOR INFO: there has been a history of nasty behavior towards me, such as my car being keyed by my neighbors (there was proof and a police case) and having been falsely reported to the front office for things that didn’t happen.
It’s not like I’m questioning ill intent out of nowhere.
EDIT FINAL: I have my answer. Seems to be a mix of both NTJ for being upset that my package was opened and NTJ for returning it, but YTJ because of my reaction. If there’s a next time I will try to give more benefit of the doubt if it is a new specific situation, but confident in my belief that the act itself is upsetting and I’m allowed to have those feelings about it, especially if there’s a pattern of disrespect.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk for returning the product, and whoever opened the box can be forgiven because maybe they didn’t notice the address, but opening the shampoo bottle wasn’t cool, and whoever did that sucks.
You, however, shouldn’t be yelling in the stairwell about this. There must be fewer yelly-in-the-stairwell ways of handling the situation. (A note on the bulletin board?)
NTJ (but almost ‘everyone sucks here’ for the yelling).” Snausagefestivus
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Not gonna be a popular verdict, I can tell. But if the neighbor who opened it had also been expecting a package, they might have thought it was theirs, opened it, realized it’s not what they ordered, and then gave it back to you.
I don’t blame you for being upset about the open package, but if this is the first time this has happened, I wouldn’t be so quick to assume there was necessarily any malice behind it.” Slurav
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say YTJ mainly because I’ve gotten a package before been excited about it ripped it completely open only to find it was my neighbor’s.
I felt so bad and was ashamed how I just went at the package I put it on their doorstep with no note and took off. I think it’s also misleading info that you’ve had someone put Nair in your shampoo before but this didn’t happen here (by all accounts) and it makes it seem as though you’re saying they did in fact put nair in it. Also are you sure they tampered with the bottle? I have received lots of shampoo through the mail and most don’t have a seal. Shampoo at the grocery store doesn’t either so I don’t think anything of it.” 2stonedNintendo
I have a feeling those people (in the post) knew the package wasn't theirs, but they opened the package anyway. Upon seeing it was something they didn't want, they gave it back to OP. Hell, I'd be pissed too!
5. AITJ For Walking Out Of My Unborn Child's Gender Reveal Party?
“My wife (34) and I (33) are having our second child. We have a daughter (5).
She’s been grouchy her whole pregnancy so her sister offered to plan her a gender reveal party.
The plan was that all the food and decorations would be blue or pink and in the end, we’d get one of those special sparklers that would light up in either blue or pink to reveal the gender.
We went to the doctor and got her to write the result on a folded piece of paper that we passed over to her sister without looking.
So flash forward to the day of the party and the moment of truth comes and the sparkler turns out to be pink for a girl.
I don’t know what came over me but all I felt at that moment was a very bitter disappointment.
To be honest, all I was hoping for baby #2 is to be able to toss a ball around with him and coach little league. Or watch him go on Boy Scouts camping trips.
I know my daughter is only five, but I’ve already started to deal with the dramas of being a father of a girl and the thought of having to double up now on the neuroticism was harrowing.
I grew up in a house with three older boys and one younger sister and I can’t imagine seeing myself be outnumbered.
My wife grabbed my arm as people were approaching us to say their congratulations and said I needed to look happier. At that moment I just snapped. I shook my head walked out to my car (we came separately) and drove to my sister’s (21F) house.
I start getting texts from my sister-in-law and my wife saying “way to reenact” their dad leaving their mom when they were 10 and 12.
I felt like that accusation was unfair and that I just needed some time alone. I didn’t ask to be flabbergasted- it just happened. And I don’t think it’s fair that they would have demanded I smile and nod for the next couple of hours.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I remember when I was like 9, I was really sad because I thought my dad would have rather had a boy instead of me. I mean, he was super into sports. Baseball, hockey, golf, football, pretty much everything except soccer. He coached Little League and played baseball in adult leagues. But you know who was also at every single dance recital, play, school event, and Girl Scouts ceremony? My dad.
We would play catch in the backyard, go on long bike rides, go to the batting cages, go bowling, go to baseball and football games, and do all kinds of stuff together. When he found out that I thought he would rather have a boy, he said absolutely not. I was his girl, and that was more than enough for him.
He said he almost wouldn’t know what to do with a boy since he grew up with 6 sisters. That’s how a real man acts.” Linzabee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ-and I will be calm and explain why. Having a girl does not make you less of a man, and it doesn’t make your child less interested in sports.
Your wife is hugely pregnant right now, hormones running rampant through her system, and this was a party celebrating the new life that she is carrying. She has spent the better part of a year carrying a life you helped create. Swollen ankles, painful chest, nausea, vomiting, bone embrittlement, hair changing, the list goes on and on.
She needed you there, and you left her.
I understand change is scary, and that you’ve never had to be in close contact with more than a couple of girls for an extended period of time. I do take issue with one phrase-‘neuroticism.’ Girls are not neurotic, and they are not by default more emotional than boys.
Your thinking is very archaic, my friend.
You ‘didn’t ask to be flabbergasted.’ You are an adult. Suck it up, buttercup. This is your child and your wife, and you left them at one of the most vulnerable moments. You didn’t think it was fair to be asked to smile and nod. Your wife didn’t ask for stretched-out skin, pain, discomfort, or for the serious agony of birthing a child.
She could die from childbirth, so it is frankly a little insane to me that you are calling her ‘grumpy’ while she’s about ready to pop. I get that you don’t know what it feels like to be a biological female and carry a child, but I can assure you that being stomped on YOUR most delicate parts with a sharp stiletto heel will pale in comparison to the rigorous demands of childbirth.
Women and girls are not dainty, delicate little creatures who bruise if they drop their lace handkerchiefs. We are firefighters, combat veterans, doctors, EMTs, and the list goes on. Do not do us the disservice or disrespect of pinning us in one hole. We are resilient, strong, and capable individuals who will not wilt at throwing a baseball.
I got hit in the face with a softball being thrown at forty miles an hour, and after wiping the blood off my face, I finished practice and went to urgent care for an X-ray.
I could be willing to look past most of this as simple exhaustion, or stress, if not for the way you refer to the women and girls in your life.
Your daughters are a part of you. I wish to God my dad was still around because I would have done anything for that man, for his love. Do not shun your daughters because you wished for them to be a boy. They are as much a part of you as a boy would have been.
Frankly, if I was your wife, I would be feeling abandoned and worthless that my husband was so willing to give up on me and my gender because he doesn’t think we are strong enough or worthy enough of his love. I cannot imagine how your daughter would feel if she read this post.
I would be gutted if I found out my dad didn’t want me because I had women parts.
We went camping together, he taught me how to fish, he taught me basic wound care… I played softball and my brother took apart computers. Why would he want me any less than my brother (who wasn’t his biological son, for the record) just because I was born with different genitalia?
I urge you to think on this, and I truly wish the best for you and your family.” LifeofKiwis
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
And a major one at that. You do know that it is your sperm that determined the genital assignment of your kids, right?
You acted like a spoiled bratty 6 year old who didn’t get his own way. You’re an adult, a spouse, and a father. You should have been able to hold it together until you were alone with your wife and then CALMLY expressed that you were a tad disappointed in not producing a male.
Now let’s talk about how you are a jerk patent. You can throw a ball around with girls just as well as boys – get your 5-year-old a t-ball set or a nerf football. I started sitting next to the car while my Dad was under it working before I was old enough to go to school and learn what each tool was for.
When my parents finally had a boy (last kid years after me) he didn’t share any of my Dad’s interests and preferred to spend time with our Mom. You are only ‘outnumbered’ if you don’t make connections with your girls. I lost my Dad in 2017 and not a week goes by that I don’t think ‘Dad would have liked to do this with me’.
Being close to my Dad didn’t mean I was not close to my Mom also. Kids need to have a special relationship with each parent.” eac96
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Both my son (9) and daughter (6) are in cub scouts and have been on multiple Cub Scout campouts- the most recent one is a winter camp out in February.
We all toss the ball around and I coached both of their soccer teams- they weren’t as into baseball.
We go on regular camping trips where I do all the setup and takedown with them as my husband works long hours.
We go on long bike rides and hikes and play in puddles and streams.
They both enjoy building with tools and taking apart electronics.
A whole lot of people made me feel like trash as a child with attitudes like yours- that loving being active and wild and messy and sporty was a boy thing. It felt crappy to be a girl and like all boy things and not be calm and sweet and gentle like girls should be. To be clear- that was just other adults around me.
My parents weren’t that way. I felt that way by the time I was your daughter’s age- that the things I liked were wrong. I bet it feels super bad for your daughter to think that her dad feels she’s the wrong gender or she likes the wrong things.
Girls are not more dramatic. Boys can be super dramatic.
Traditionally girly stuff isn’t inferior to traditionally guy stuff.
Not all boys like that traditionally male stuff.
You just showed everyone there what an ass you are, and made everyone know that you think that this baby is a disappointment.
I bet your daughter’s actions are at least partly due to being raised by a guy who expects her to act a certain way” RunningTrisarahtop
4. AITJ For Refusing To Switch Days Off With A Pregnant Coworker?
“I’ve (30F) been at my job almost 4 years, coworker 26? F) has been there 7. Right now she’s around 38 weeks pregnant with 2nd child with her husband. I have no kids but am a ‘step’ to my partner’s 3 kids.
We work a physical job, walking and lifting quite a bit. She and I have the same job title, we don’t have as much seniority as others so we basically cover the regulars’ days off and have unpredictable schedules but generally work 5-6 days each week.
She’s always been… a bit difficult. This was going on long before she had kids. I always just kept my mouth shut because I’m a doormat with lifelong self-esteem issues. Also, I try to have a heart when I deal with difficult people, I have major mental health issues so I don’t judge.
This has stressed me out to a point that I’m starting to hate my job.
I’ve been subtly standing up for myself more and it’s helped some. But my health has been suffering. I’ve had quite a few health issues the past several months and justifiably have used some medical leave. I had to make two doctor’s appointments for tomorrow because it was my scheduled day off. I did a slip requesting to keep it off specifically for these appointments.
Meanwhile, they scheduled me 7 days in a row prior to that day off (7 days is a no-no in my district), I was just going to keep my mouth shut and work it without saying anything and then have the day of my appointments off. But by day 6 (yesterday) I was exhausted so I brought it up, and they had to make my pregnant coworker work today instead of me because they broke their own rule.
I felt bad but she’s taken advantage of my nature so many times that I decided screw it, it’s not my responsibility to cater to her. When the boss updated her she ‘jokingly’ complained about it in front of everyone, and said how much she had planned to do to get ready for the baby (she’d just had the day before off).
Later she posted on social media about how difficult things are right now being pregnant while she has a toddler.
So now my day off tomorrow came up. I had it already requested off for my appointments but she asked me to work bc she had been counting on yesterday off. I told her I’m sorry I requested it, I have 2 doctor’s appointments and one is to schedule surgery, the best I can do is come in between appointments.
No response. I called my boss and she seemed as if she does not know me requesting to keep the day off. I’m certain it’s because my coworker put up a fight about it, she has done things like this before. Bosses usually cave because they don’t want to deal with her. I feel like a jerk for saying no.
But my sympathy has run out. I have even less bc she only has to work because she wanted so badly to have a baby and a nice house with her husband that she now can’t stay afloat without working. I didn’t choose that for her. AITJ for not switching my day?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
If you scheduled a day off specifically to take care of tasks like doctor’s appointments, then you should keep it. That’s literally the point of scheduling days off ahead of time.
Being pregnant is not a trump card that a woman can play in order to demand that her each and every whim be accommodated, especially concerning things that have nothing to do with being pregnant, like work in this instance (I am assuming she is healthy and still has her doctor’s permission to work).
I also don’t consider the pregnant woman to be a jerk in this case, because everyone knows that it’s annoying to be called in when you thought you were going to be off, so while I don’t think she deserves any special treatment, in this case, it’s also understandable that she would be mildly irritated.
If anyone sucks here, it’s your employer.
If they had followed their own scheduling rules from the start, this minor dilemma would never have arisen.” ChemMJW
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In my opinion, this is on your boss. They should not have broken their own rules and scheduled you for more days in a row than allowed. You had already requested the day off & you have doctor’s appointments you need to attend.
I don’t think a pregnant coworker is the jerk in this scenario either, simply because it is frustrating having an unpredictable schedule. But the boss should have informed her of your day off in advance. It doesn’t even matter if the boss remembers bc you filled out a slip.” khuzdulscribe
Another User Comments:
“This is a soft YTJ.
She kind of sucks too but she covered you last minute and expected the same from you (I would). She probably should have asked to switch instead of covering and expecting you to cover her back without specifying. You shouldn’t have asked so last minute, you realized there was an error in the schedule and didn’t bring it up until the day before which makes it inconvenient for everyone.
Also, your reasoning: it’s on her for having a job because she wants nice things? That’s kind of ridiculous, most people have to work and you don’t know what her finances her like. Edit to add: it doesn’t sound like she’s using her pregnancy to get out of doing things. She didn’t specifically whine to you about getting called in while pregnant.
She doesn’t have to respond to your response. She sounds like she’s handling this totally fine.” Bigvagenergy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you have rights, and well, you have always been the ‘good little doormat’, so they don’t expect you to stand up for yourself. I’ve been there. But oh trust me, they’re more afraid of losing you than getting her angry. If you stand up once with gusto, explain that you won’t be overworked because of her, and all your days off will always go through you, not because of her whim, they will take you seriously. As long as you say all of this calmly.” annoyedpotatolady
3. AITJ For Asking Too Many Questions About My Partner's Period?
“Earlier today I offered to pick up my girl some sanitary products, as she was running low and it didn’t sit right with me for her to be going out while she seemed to be in a lot of pain. We never really talk about her period, unless she deems it incredibly necessary, as it isn’t something she likes talking about all that much.
While I was in the shop, I ended up messaging her to make sure I picked up the right ones. I really don’t know the specifics of sanitary products, and wanted to make sure that I got her the right ones. When I asked her what size I should get, whether tampons or pads were better, and if there was a specific kind she wanted, she started getting upset with me and told me to just get whatever and to stop asking her inappropriate questions, and her flow wasn’t really any of my business.
After explaining to her that I just wanted to make sure I didn’t pick up the wrong thing, she told me to just pick up the rest of what we needed, and she would go get her things later.
I feel like an idiot of a partner for making her so uncomfortable like that. Is there anything I could have done better? Am I a jerk for asking her too much?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
However, as someone who used to have periods, I can see one particular scenario here that might also explain the reaction and her reluctance to let you buy the stuff.
So here’s the thing. Periods are terrible. And one of the terrible things they can do is make you want to eat a whole heap of terrible food.
This is perfectly healthy and necessary for survival and I will hear no arguments against it. But, it can be a tad embarrassing. Let’s say we were in a global health crisis, for example, and excuses for going out of the house are thin on the ground. But you’re on the rag, and you desperately need crisps, chocolate, mini rolls, etc.
You also need jam rags and tampons, but those are less of a priority. However, nobody would question their necessity. But, if your partner who is trying to be considerate happens to pick up jam rags and tampons while out of the house, your plan is suddenly thwarted! Oh no! How are you going to get hold of that bag of nasty croissants you were intending to wolf down in the car park?? From whence will you summon that tube of Pringles you desperately crave?
On a less stupid note, this might just be something that your partner likes to have control over for herself.
That could change at some point, but it’s a boundary that you should be mindful of. Periods are deeply personal for some people. For others, less so. Myself, I had absolutely no qualms texting my housemate asking them to stick an extra box of nappies in the basket at Tesco, but I have no shame. (And now, no periods! Huzzah!).
The other thing I just thought of is that, without aiming to be condescending, it sounds like this may have been one of your first rodeos in the minge bandage aisle. It’s a confusing and terrifying place. Nobody truly knows what the difference is between any of the things. You just stick with whatever your mum bought you when you first started spouting blood out of your hoo-ha, and generally unless you’re some sort of maverick you don’t question it.
If you’ve ever tried explaining stuff about computers to your parents over text, that is how explaining period products to someone who has never used them feels. It’s frustrating, and you’ve got maybe a three-question minimum unless I’m feeling particularly generous. Couple that with actually being on the rag making everything worse, I’m not surprised this blew up a bit.
The best thing you can do now apologizes, ask whether you can be helpful in a specific way in the future, and just drop it and respect it if she still says no. I don’t think you meant to be a jerk, and I’m glad you’re not skeeved out about periods like so many are. Good luck!” vonbongen
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here because you were trying to do right, and she has a stated boundary about not discussing her period.
I understand that you wanted to help and that’s commendable, but she’s also got every right to decide how much she wants to discuss this with people- yes, even you. Probably a good idea would be to see what she buys for herself and make a mental note of it so you can help her in the future if she needs it.
Or, if she’d prefer, it’s okay for you to leave this to her in the future. Everyone’s got preferences and that’s okay- you just have to communicate about them.” unsaferaisin
Another User Comments:
“Best guess: she was embarrassed and wasn’t really mad at you so much as wanting to wrap it up before she melted into the floor.
Anything would hold her over, so get anything. NTJ, but maybe be gentle with her and try not to take it personally. It took me into my 30s to feel comfortable so much as mentioning my period to my husband. It’s just… not a thing that some women have experience talking about.” SolemnHerbivore
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I wish my former partners were as open to talking about periods as you are. I don’t think any one of them ever offered to get supplies for me. There’s a lot of stigma surrounding periods and we’re taught that it’s gross and kind of shameful. It’s not surprising that she felt weird talking to you about it, but I think you’re doing a good job trying to be supportive. Maybe you could just sit down with her and have a conversation about it.” Former-Mongoose-2400
2. AITJ For Complaining About The Noisy Women In The Theater?
“So my local theater has been playing some older movies recently. I’m writing this on a burner account because I don’t want people to be able to figure out where this theater is, even if there is a very small chance of that happening. Anyway, ‘The Matrix’ was playing today, so I decided to take my younger siblings who had never seen it.
We choose some seats a row ahead of some people, but we don’t sit directly behind them. (Once you sit down, you can’t move.) Anyway, the first thing I realized is that the kids behind us are loud. VERY loud. They won’t stop giggling and making dumb jokes and they genuinely sound like stereotypical annoying Fortnite kids.
I sit there and silently pray that they stop being rowdy after the trailers are over. Unfortunately, they don’t.
Throughout the course of the movie, I end up looking back and going ‘shhh’ multiple times during the movie. The noise isn’t terrible per se, but it’s enough to get on my nerves. I don’t overreact because I know they’re kids and I was a pretty weird, annoying kid too back in the day.
About halfway through the movie, however, I and my siblings come to a revelation – the people behind us aren’t all kids. In fact, the one member of their party of three who WAS a kid has retreated to the lobby to be loud out there. The REMAINING two audience members are two young women who have been making all the noise the entire time.
As a big movie buff and a future screenwriter, I’m horrified. To make things worse, my little brother leans over and informs me that they’ve started to kiss off all things. That’s when I lose it internally.
Although I don’t freak out at them in the theater specifically, while in the parking lot, I loudly complain about the two women and their utterly bizarre antics.
I swear, these two women sounded just like Fortnite kids and had no respect for anyone else in the theater. While I’m driving away, I shout “disgusting” out the window. However, it was far away enough and quiet enough that I don’t think they heard; it was mostly just me venting.
Anyway, I ended up sharing this story online and someone who albeit doesn’t like me immediately tried to make me look like a bad person and ironically succeeded even though I explained that it wasn’t the fact that it was two women, it was that they were kissing (which honestly is just weird in a theater – especially since this wasn’t just a peck on the lips) and being rowdy, to begin with.
Basically, they weren’t there for the movie, they were there to be annoying and eat food and laugh at the most random things they could think of to say about the movie. They even burped loudly multiple times during the film.
Basically, am I the one that’s crazy here? Because at least two people I’ve told this to seem to think so and I just think you should be able to respect other people in the theater when they paid to get in as well.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for being hung up on the kissing and saying ‘disgusting’ cuz I feel like it’s pretty obv you meant ‘disgusting’ about the kissing…
why would anyone refer to movie hecklers as ‘disgusting’? That just doesn’t make sense, so it def seems you meant in regards to the kissing.
Also kissing isn’t weird in a movie theatre lmao. It’s a stereotypical make-out place. You say in one line that you sat ahead of them… then that you had to look back to shush them.
So how could your siblings even see they were kissing unless they were looking back at them and away from the movie? That’s obnoxious.
I get being annoyed at movie hecklers… they suck and ruin it for paying customers. But I wouldn’t even notice ppl making out a few rows behind me or even care… let alone shout ‘disgusting’ at them out the window.” Darth_GlowWorm
Another User Comments:
“Uhhh you’re NTJ for getting upset.
People really should keep their voices down in movie theaters because other people paid to come and see the movies too.
However, you sound like a huge jerk. What do you being a future screenwriter have to do with any of this? I think rationally it’s them being loud and the noise they make them annoying and have no basic courtesy for others.
Why does the kissing, in particular, bother you so much? What’s ‘disgusting’?
Also, do you know that person who you said made you look like the bad guy when you shared the story on the internet?” Castyourspellswisely
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being upset about rude people affecting your experience at the theater. You paid to see and hear a movie.
Most places kick out people for making too much noise.
But YTJ 100% for flipping out that 2 people kissed in a movie theater. A LOT OF PEOPLE DO THAT!! If PDA makes you uncomfortable then don’t go to places where it’s common.” SourSkittlezx
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You aren’t the PDA police, and you were the one turning around looking at them.
Honestly, they probably would have been quieter if they were kissing the whole movie. Get over it. The loud talking part, though, is super rude, and you could have complained to an usher about them if it really bothered you. On the whole, sounds awfully petty to stay mad about this.” User
Another User Comments:
“‘As a big movie buff and a future screenwriter, I’m horrified.’
Lol, what.
‘Horrified’ that a couple of people were… what? Being insufficiently respectful of the craftsmanship of a film that was released 21 years ago?
YTJ for being so passive-aggressive that you couldn’t ask them politely to keep it down during the movie, but then found it appropriate to ‘loudly complain’ about them in the parking lot and then holler ‘disgusting’ out the window as you drove off.
How old are you, anyway? Because this sounds like something a teenager might do if they were too immature to use their words and address people directly.” rlezar
1. AITJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law She Doesn't Deserve To See Her Grandchildren?
“I have a very strained relationship with my in-laws and I would love to go no contact but hubby is worried about being cut out of his father’s will. I’ve tried to tell him that money shouldn’t be that important but he refuses to cut them off.
MIL is not very interested in my children. She treats her daughter’s kids much better but even then she is just not a family-oriented person.
To be clear I never ask her for favors but an emergency came up the other day and I had no choice. She said that she didn’t mind the kids coming over but her best friend was there. I do not like this woman near my children. She is very rude and vulgar. I started to tear up because I was so overwhelmingly stressed and MIL pretty much said too bad.
I asked how she can always choose her friends over family and she said because family is people you’re forced to love. I just saw red and I told her that she doesn’t deserve to see my children ever again. I think she deserves to hear it but my husband is upset and feels like it wasn’t my place.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for this interaction.
Grandparents aren’t free childcare.
Let me say it louder for those in the back: GRANDPARENTS ARE NOT FREE CHILDCARE!!!!
She is right—it IS your problem. She even offered to watch the kids but told you someone was there. It isn’t her job to send her friend home just bc you don’t like the woman and had an emergency.
Haha, wtf? If it was truly such a huge emergency, your kids could survive a few hours around a ‘very rude and vulgar’ woman until your emergency was handled.
You don’t get to make demands of other people because of YOUR emergency. She’s under no obligation to adjust her life and plans to accommodate YOUR emergency.
You should apologize for what you said and be grateful she was willing to watch your kids at all.
Maybe MIL isn’t the problem… maybe it’s you. Please, check your entitlement.” Miss_Hallmark
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You asked for free childcare with no notice. She agreed to do it and let you know she had a friend over. You threw a toddler tantrum because she didn’t throw her friend out of her home to meet your additional demands for the free childcare with no notice that she was giving you.
You sound like a spoiled, entitled momzilla.
Grandparents don’t just exist to be your on-demand daycare service, and it’s pretty rich for you to have a fit over her family values when you don’t even care about her and you and your husband are just using his parents for money and favors.” emanresuelbaliavayna
Another User Comments:
“Your MIL and her friend sound like two peas in a pod.
Unfortunately, if you need a favor, it’s tacky to add on stipulations. You need to make a call of whether to subject your children to her and her friend or call an ambulance for your mother if it was life-threatening. Since you threw a fit and threatened to cut contact between her and your children (a very big deal) I’m going to go with YTJ (in this situation; your MIL sounds horrible, but in this case, she wasn’t in the wrong).” mp29k
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you had an emergency and had to drop them off last minute, her friend was probably there when you called.
You don’t get to be picky when someone watches your kids last minute, and I assume for free. Find another person who can watch your kids last minute. Your MIL didn’t deserve to be treated this way when she’s the one doing you a favor. It doesn’t sound like her friend is dangerous, just not your favorite person. I think your kids will be fine.” blueyorewhybother
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