People Want Our Reactions To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Breaking My Promise To My Husband?
“I (f25) moved away from my town and to my husband’s (m32) hometown after we got married. The main reason is that he suffers from a medical chronic condition and needs to be near his family.
I was pregnant with our first baby and was nearing my due date when my husband had to travel out of town for work for 2 weeks.
Because of this, he couldn’t be with me in the delivery room which wasn’t expected. I wanted to ask mom to come be with me but he assured me that his family is there to help and I shouldn’t be worried. He then made me promise that I don’t let anyone see our son for the first time in person before him besides his stepmom who was supposed to be there for me and I agreed.
His stepmom was with me when I went into labor but she stayed away since she is the type that doesn’t get too involved and keeps her distance. She’s also the ‘I don’t do diapers’ type meaning she doesn’t offer help with the baby and I shouldn’t be expecting it. She dropped me and my son off at home and asked that I only call if there’s an emergency.
I felt helpless. I asked my neighbor for a few favors but needed real help with the baby so I called my mom (she knew I’d just given birth) and asked if she could come help me and she drove 4 hours to come to stay with me. She helped out tremendously and I’m so so grateful for that.
My husband stayed away for a few more days then came home. Once he saw my mom he got so upset, repeatedly saying I broke the promise that I made him by not letting others meet our son before him. I explained that I needed help and he brought up his stepmom but I replied that she dropped me off and left that’s it.
Besides, he and mom are on good terms I didn’t get why he was mad she met her grandbaby which was inevitable. He said it wasn’t about mom since it could’ve been anybody else but it was about me disrespecting his wishes and breaking the promise I made. He reminded me that he’s also the parent and he gets a say too.
At this point, I said he was overreacting but he replied that I forever tainted the memory of his son’s birth and broke his trust, and proved to him that my word ‘is worth nothing’ now. Mom tried to give us space but I said she did nothing wrong she came to help after his stepmom left so I can’t be blamed for asking for help.
He told me to stop giving him excuses and admit I wronged him with what I did and then started avoiding me and just kept focusing his attention on our son. He keeps acting cold towards me calling me a selfish promise-breaker and expecting me to make it up to him. He wanted an apology but I haven’t given him that yet.
AITJ?
Eta, We did talk to each other on the phone several times and he already knew that his stepmom refused to stay with me and told me to just call if something happens but I didn’t tell him about calling me mom knowing how he’d react and decided to wait till he got home so we could talk about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your husband knows he was wrong to leave during the due date. So he made a plan: to force you to make a promise you could not hold. This way, he (and people on his side) will be able to distract other people from his Huge mistake (the work travel) with your broken promise.
Smart plan, right? Now he can blame you so you spend energy trying to defend yourself instead of thinking ‘hey, he shouldn’t have left me, or his stepmom should have been more involved’. If he left you with reliable people, I would be okay with his travel… But then you would have to let his family meet the baby!
I will never have kids because I don’t want any, and even if I think children are cool/funny, I HATE babies. But you know what? I would NEVER leave a woman with a newborn alone if I knew her husband or family wouldn’t be able to get here in less than 30 minutes. It is about being civil, decent, human.
Your husband knows that, and knows he might be blamed for this too (absence and cruel family) so… He blames you again with this impossible promise! Stepmom is the jerk, husband too. You, your mother, and your baby are not responsible for their actions and choices. You three were trapped.
Guess what: the nurses/doctors/hospital staff met the baby before him.
So you did not break the promise, his absence did. Take care, keep your mom close, or… Get closer to her. The husband might get new plans of the same nature to deflect the blame on you for his futures mistakes/acts of disrespect. You deserve better.” Altakara
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – being a new mom is hard!!!
Sleep deprivation, pain, uncertainty, etc. Not to mention how isolating it can feel. We lived 6 hrs from family when I had my 1st. My mom came and helped even with my husband home. It is a serious life adjustment!!! Later my MIL who is a wonderful woman came to help, but she doesn’t like to step on toes, so I had to ask for help, I honestly didn’t know what to ask for… So even if his SM had been there it might not have been helpful.
You are doing your best as a person and a parent and honestly as a wife.
You tried it his way, it didn’t work, you found a solution. Life is not static it changes all the time; the ability to roll with changes is incredibly important, especially for parents. And while u could have given him a heads up or explained the situation it is understandable if not optimal that u didn’t.
Seriously he needs therapy. He is acting like a helpless toddler who threw his toy and is now mad. When you are more stable, on your feet as a new mom I would leave him for a few days to be in charge of his son without help!!!” Efficient-Cupcake247
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He prioritized his work over his family.
He has no right to expect you to suffer for the first two weeks after giving birth without any assistance. I’m not too impressed by his stepmother either, and it doesn’t sound like he confirmed with her at all about getting her ‘all in’ on support.
The fact remains he is not part of your child’s birth story because he wasn’t there.
He needs to get over himself mighty quick, and recognize that as a father now he is responsible for doing what is best for the child. What is best for the child is Mom being able to recover from labor and to get some assistance in the early days, especially with a first baby.
My husband would be very single after this.
In fact, he would’ve been very single if he didn’t put his foot down about being present at the birth of his son. There would be way too much of a gap in values, and it would suggest to me that he isn’t much of a father worth having. Jobs come and go—becoming a father, that happens only once.” Issyswe
14. AITJ For Dissolving A Wrongful Death Settlement?
“In 1996, I (M39), my brother (M38), and my father (M63) received a significant financial settlement for the wrongful passing of my mother (my father’s wife).
The suit provided my father, my brother, and me with 3 separate rewards for different amounts. Each was worth a life-changing amount.
At the time, at the age of 14 and 13, my brother and I agreed that the monies should be combined into a trust and that our father should be the trustee. As the trustee, he was authorized to remove income from the trust (any amount made through interest, capital gains, or dividends) but not principle.
My brother and I reaffirmed this after he turned 21, in 2004 without much discussion. The trust and the money in it weren’t discussed much afterward.
16 years later, in 2020, my father approached my brother and me requesting that we provide him full access to the trust. Initially, my brother and I agreed without any thought, but our father’s lawyer suggested that we get a lawyer to ensure that we make the decision with full knowledge of any consequences.
We got that lawyer and she told my brother and me that we would be insane to do this. That we may as well light that money on fire. My brother and I still wanted to go through with it until our wives realized what we were going to do. Both wives told us that they thought we were insane too, but that it was our decision.
At that point, we sought further input and learned that every person we talked to thought it would be insane to basically give this money to our father with no strings.
While my brother and I were getting this input, the trust was dissolved and split back into three accounts. So, my brother and I were at a point where we controlled our own parts of the settlement and had to decide whether to give them to our dad.
We decided not to. For me, this was based on what that money could mean for me, my wife, and our three kids. I think my wife and I should decide how to use the funds to best provide for our children.
My father and his siblings (our aunts) have essentially disowned my brother and me for this.
EDIT To answer some frequent questions:
- My father told me that he intended to use the funds for his and my step-mother’s retirement and to leave my brother and me a significant inheritance.
- Also, he has consistently maintained that this settlement should be considered as one fund (not three) and used for the entire family (my father, my brother, me, my step-mother, and my step-brother).
- My stepmother wrote an email saying that my brother and I owed her this because of the sacrifices she made while raising us.
- She came into our lives before the settlement was decided around the time I was 7.
- When the trust was renewed I was starting a career in the Marine Corps and my brother was in college.
Honestly, as we had never had anything to do with the trust and never discussed it my brother and I just went along with our father’s plan without much thought.
- Before this, my father was (still is, I suppose) an excellent father. So was my stepmother. We had no reason not to trust them before learning of all this.
That’s why it took so long.
- Based on the original settlement and the size of the account when I got it, every cent of income was removed each year. I’ve been on my own, financially, since 2004 but my father has paid for some vacations and helped me buy my first house. These were presented as gifts/favors and not disbursements.
- I am well aware of compound interest and how much my father likely took each year along with what my fund should be worth. Yes, I could sue him. I don’t want to invest the time or money that a suit would require especially considering I don’t know whether (should I actually win) I’d ever be able to collect.
- Finally, my dad is by no means destitute. He and my step-mother are successful in their careers and still have access to his portion of the settlement.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your settlement to do with it as you wish.
Did your father ever explain why he wanted full access or what he needed the money for?
Either way, it’s yours and yours alone (your portion at least). I don’t see any wrongdoing here. You have a family to care for and you’re not 13 anymore. It’s ok to prioritize your needs vs those of your father, regardless of your relationship with him. Your family is being either unfair or doesn’t understand because they don’t have the money.
Otherwise, in your shoes, would they give all their funds to your dad? I seriously doubt it unless there’s a need for the money that’s very serious and that hasn’t been discussed yet.” Asabetyyy
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your father is clearly in the wrong for evidently failing to be a faithful fiduciary.
You had a right to an accounting for the expenses, so you would know to what extent he was wrongfully converting your assets and/or income.
You are not as bad, but your complete failure to manage your own finances, as well as your resistance to both common sense and advice, is pretty awful. The fact that your father’s lawyer had to tell you to get a lawyer is an indication that the lawyer saw your father’s wrongful conduct and was not going to touch that proposal unless you were represented by counsel because his lawyer did not want to be sanctioned for unethical conduct (and perhaps is simply more ethical than your father).” RollingEasement
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. Your mother definitely would have wanted that money to go to you and your brother, and not all to your father. Everyone you talked to is absolutely right.
If your father was responsible with money, WHY would he NEED access to your accounts? He had his own funds to manage and invest. If he failed at doing that, why give him access to YOUR money so he could fail at it again with yours?
I understand that you love and trust your father, but did you ever question this? WHY does he want access to it?
It sounds like you and your brother need to get some financial education – if you understood even the basics, you’d understand that your father’s request was an insane one.
Your father’s OWN LAWYER saved YOUR butt by telling you to get a lawyer yourselves – that tells you EVERYTHING right there.
NTJ. You and your brother and your wives should just move on with your lives as your own family unit. Your father disowned you… after losing your mother so tragically, he MADE the CHOICE to lose you too… none of this was necessary. He CHOSE this.
He’s the jerk, not you.” bettytomatoes
If they disown you, so be it. It sounds like you were only a paycheck to them anyway. Use YOUR money to make a good life for your wife and children. And thank you father’s lawyer. He did you a BIG solid.
13. AITJ For Calling Out Our Cook For Trying To Trick Us Into Paying More?
I (48f) hired ‘Julie’ (25f) to cook for my family of 4. She cooks us a few family meals a week and delivers them. This has been working out for us for a few months, but she recently told us she would start charging double what she was initially charging. We were quite shocked. She’s a good cook, but she’s not a trained chef or anything.
It’s just a hobby for her. We offered her a little more pay for some of the groceries but double seemed excessive. She turned it down and said she would give us a few weeks to find someone new, but that felt unfair to us. We hired her because her cooking style/tastes were similar to ours, and we have dietary restrictions that she was able to accommodate.
Had we known earlier on that she would bail so quickly, we would have hired someone else from the start so they could learn our tastes.
I pointed out how the amount she was getting now was generous for someone who isn’t a professional cook, and that she needed to be realistic about her prices since we could dine in at a nice restaurant for the amount she was asking.
She told us to do that and wasn’t open to negotiation. Even after looking up costs of groceries and utilities and showing her the data on the profit she was already making, she wouldn’t budge. I then got angry and told her off for trying to scam us after she cited the rise in food prices (which we offered to cover, but that wasn’t good enough for her) and how she valued her free time (she cooks for her family anyway, so she’s just making extra portions for us).
She got really cold and quit on the spot, not even giving us the few weeks to find someone new. I totally understand wanting a little extra to cover the rising cost of food, but doubling her prices all of a sudden seems really scummy and ridiculous. I called her again and offered to pay the extra cost of groceries plus a 10% raise, but she blocked me.
I really don’t understand the audacity of demanding a 100% raise for a pretty easy and flexible part-time gig. AITJ? What am I missing?
Edit since everyone was asking: she delivered once a week, five meals for 250, but two are very young children/an infant, so really just for two adults.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Cooking for you for pay makes her a professional cook.
The meals were obviously acceptable, even to the point that she took into consideration specific dietary needs. Treating her like you did was disrespectful to her professionally and personally. The relationship was professional. You’re the employer, and she was providing a professional service. It looks like she was professional in discussing her terms with you.
You were unprofessional in how you responded. She did not bail. She had no obligation to you other than what was agreed to. If nothing was in writing, she was well within her rights to renegotiate terms. She probably needed to do so in order to make her service worthwhile and viable. Your unprofessional behavior caused her to choose not to work with you.” dissappointedvet
Another User Comments:
“She didn’t scam you. She realized she made a mistake. This is her first professional cooking job (I am inferring), and her lack of experience caused her not to appreciate the costs or time commitment. Underestimating costs and time is pretty common for anyone in business, but particularly in new ventures.
It’s possible she could have better communicated the change.
It sounds as if she might have just laid it on you, or maybe that was not part of the post. But I don’t think it makes her the jerk because she has a right to charge what she believes is fair for services rendered, even if the change is unexpected.
I am no food industry expert, but it’s not surprising to me that a cook who delivers food to your home would charge similar to what you would for a sit-down restaurant.
Grocery delivery by itself costs a premium. Now add cooking. And, yes, have you been to the grocery store, lately? She ain’t lyin’.
She is right. It’s not a negotiation. She picks her price, you pay it. Or you don’t. Your choice. What makes YTJ is your efforts to push her into still providing a service to you at a price to which she does not agree.
It doesn’t matter what you think the price should be, based on your research of grocery costs. She probably did the same research, and that was how she came to the wrong conclusion. She doesn’t owe it to you to work for you. You need some other solution. She is not available (except at her new price).
Having a cook is a luxury. Respect it as such.” mightierthor
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
First, she had her reasons for changing her price structure. Did you ever for a second think that the cost of everything has greatly increased over the past several months, it’s riskier to go to stores, but more expensive to get delivery, you’re not just paying for her groceries.
You’re paying for the gas to get to the store, wear and tear on her car, but most importantly her time.
Second, she told you her prices and you pretty much interrogated her, finding numerous ways to prove her wrong.
Third, you talk about her as if she isn’t allowed to leave saying things like how if you knew it would only be a short time you wouldn’t have bothered, and how she actually gave you time at the lower price and it’s not fair to you?
I’m sorry, but do you think you own her?
Finally, the way you devalue everything about this woman is disgusting! You sound like one of those people who would degrade a server in a fancy restaurant for not allowing you to bring in fast food. If I were her, I’d quit because you’re rude, disrespectful, entitled, and obviously think you’re better than her.” kikivee612
You're the kind of person that messages an artist asking for a drawing and when they give you a quote you tell them thats too much its just a drawing. Learn to appreciate the time and effort that goes into making your meals instead of just looking at the cost of groceries.
12. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister Move In?
“I am refusing to allow my sister, Maggie, to move in with me and she (and my mom) are calling me a selfish jerk. I have a 3 bedroom home – so I do have room. My sister has mental health issues – anxiety, depression, and OCD. While I understand these issues aren’t her fault, they make her miserable to live with.
For example – she doesn’t drive and doesn’t want to take public transportation, so she expects people to chauffeur her where she wants to go. She doesn’t want anyone she isn’t close to in her home – I like to invite guests over. She refuses to clean certain things (like the bathroom) that she says trigger her.
She freaks out if certain things aren’t in a very specific place (like shoes having to be lined up or the way items are placed in the fridge). She goes through periods of time where she doesn’t get out of bed or shower. Loud noises (the definition of what that is changes constantly) make her anxious.
The list goes on and on.
My dad passed away 5 months ago from a heart attack. My mom can’t afford to keep paying rent where she is at. My Mom has the option of moving about 3 hours away – she has a small house she inherited from my grandmother. She is currently renting it out, but because of the size and location doesn’t get that much.
Maggie doesn’t want to move since she would have to find a new therapist and she would no longer be able to meet up with her friends. She says this would be horrible for her and would make her mental health worse. As usual, my Mom wants to make Maggie happy and came up with the idea that Maggie would move in with me.
I said no. Actually, I said no way was I ever living with Maggie again. Mom then said they would both move in with me and she would take care of Maggie and I again said no.
Growing up with Maggie was horrible – everything revolved around her and her issues. I was an afterthought in my own home.
I got out as soon as I could and I have no intention of ever living with her again. I told my Mom that if it were just her – she could stay with me temporarily until she figured things out, but Maggie is not moving in. My mother is upset that I want her to ‘abandon her poor baby’.
My mom is saying that she will take care of Maggie and that I am being cruel to want my sister to suffer. Mom is accusing me of hating Maggie – which is pretty close to true. I have a lot of resentment at both Maggie and Mom for my childhood. Mom asked me if I would let them stay if they didn’t have another place to go and I told her the truth – I would not let Maggie stay.
Mom is furious and threatening to disown me. The weird thing is – I don’t really care. I was always closer to Dad than Mom, even before Maggie’s issues started. What kind of person doesn’t care if her family disowns her? Am I a jerk? Mom thinks so but I’m not really sure.”
Another User Comments:
“When you have a mental illness, it isn’t your fault, but taking care of it is your responsibility. That includes either figuring out how to live alone or figuring out how to be a reasonable roommate. It’s not easy and it takes a lot of work, but at the end of the day, you can’t make the people around you constantly carry you.
It’s normal to have the occasional crisis and need help for a while, but you have to learn to stand mostly on your own the majority of the time. That means, for example, if you can’t drive or take public transit, you learn to bike and you build a large support network of people who can occasionally drive you so you’re only asking each person rarely, rather than just trying to turn one or two people into chauffeurs.
One of the wonderful things about having your own place – whether it’s a closet-size apartment you rent or a giant house you own – is that you get to set the priorities in your home. You don’t have to play second fiddle to anyone unless you choose to, and your home can be organized around your tastes and comfort.
It sounds like your sister and mom expect you to be willing to give all that up and permanently be the last one considered because they can’t manage to afford the lifestyle they want unless they can make you sacrifice yours. It’s deeply sad that they’re choosing to disown you for not wanting to be an afterthought for the rest of your life.
Well, I suppose what it really shows is that you are still just an afterthought for them. No wonder you don’t care about being disowned!
NTJ.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your mother has fostered a very unhealthy codependency in her ‘mentally ill child’, neglected you, and actively or passively cultivated a sibling rivalry that damaged your relationship with your sister.
Now your mother wants to transfer responsibility for her ‘poor baby/golden child/victim’ to you rather than help her adult child, your sibling, learn how to function independently as an adult? Your sister did not develop these mental illnesses in a vacuum, and it’s pretty clear your mother’s codependency and desire to make your sister into her ‘poor baby’ forever contributed to your sister’s current inability to function as an adult.
Your sister needs help escaping this situation, but that doesn’t mean you are obligated to provide it, let alone house her.
Your sister isn’t actually the jerk here – your mother is pretty much a monster. Living with your sister and her mental illness was difficult – your mother made it even more difficult and failed to provide you with adequate support, and was very likely engaging in some triangulation in addition to the favoritism you mentioned. Honestly, the fact that less than a year after her husband dies she is trying to get rid of her at-home adult-child indicates that the primary purpose of keeping that adult child at home was to use her as a wedge/buffer/pawn against the spouse – not to provide care or stability for the child.
There are plenty of solutions your mother is pretending don’t exist, and very little chance she has even considered options like asking your sister to find work or getting a job herself.
Selling the smaller house and finding a modest apartment where your mother can continue to provide care to your sister and your sister won’t need to adjust to living with you, would be the ethical and easiest thing for your mother to do if your sister truly needs free housing and caregivers to function.
The fact that your mom isn’t trying to help your sister become a functioning adult or making the necessary arrangements for her disabled daughter’s continued care now indicates that nobody really believes your sister isn’t capable of living independently and supporting herself – they are just hoping you can be manipulated into providing free-housing while tolerating your sister’s manipulative and malicious behavior because she ‘has a mental illness’.
Your mother is the jerk – please don’t let her stay with you, once she has established legal residency (in some states this only takes 7 days and a library card) she can have your sister move in as her guest, and you would have to legally evict them to get them out of your house legally.” AcceptableEcho0
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like neglect to me and keep in mind that resentment is totally valid to feel (I mean, all feelings are valid, but especially resentment because it sounds like your family didn’t care for you the way they cared for Maggie). Why should you have to bail out your mother and sister when technically it’s your mom’s job to bail you two out?
She’s basically trying to shove responsibility for housing onto you and make you feel bad when you set your boundaries.
I get that it’s hard and they need a place to go, but making that your problem instead of asking and respecting your boundaries seems like they don’t care about your feelings and therefore don’t deserve your sacrifice.
On top of that, if your mom isn’t respecting your decision about your home now, she definitely wouldn’t do anything to make the living situation bearable for you. My bet is, she’d continue to gaslight you/invalidate your feelings while cruising on the free rent.” Suspicious-Camera167
11. AITJ For Not Willing To Pay My Brother's Debts?
“My twin brother ‘Josh’ (early 30s) has always been very irresponsible with finances, had multiple brushes with the law & was married to ‘Kate’, who has two brothers in jail for crimes & another on probation right now.
Josh & Kate separated in a very ugly divorce late last year. Josh & I are civil, but by no means close. We were estranged for 3 years because I refused to provide a fake alibi for Kate who trashed someone’s car after an argument. They have 3 kids & if it was not for my nieces that I love, I’d have very little to do with Josh.
I basically tolerate him for the sake of the kids.
In late October, I got a message from a friend of Kate’s (let’s call her ‘Jade’) saying that Josh owes her several thousand Euros that she loaned him & Kate after my father cut him off because he got sick of bailing him out of financial strife.
Jade says she needs the funds urgently as she is pregnant, her partner left her for keeping the baby & she is struggling with finances & needs my family to sort it out & give her the money back or she will be living out of her car. My father passed away in June & my mother blocked Jade without replying, so I guess she turned to me.
She has screen recordings of messages between her & Josh verifying the story.
I replied basically telling Jade that I’m sorry to hear she is struggling while pregnant, but whatever arrangement she made with Josh (& Kate) had had nothing to do with me & I want no piece of Josh’s problems & to take it up with Josh (& Kate).
I thought that was the end of it, but I traveled to some concerts in Los Angeles & am now spending 10 days in New York before flying back to Europe. I am now dealing with a bunch of Jade’s friends messaging me saying that if I can afford to travel to the US for a holiday & buy expensive concert tickets, I can afford to settle ‘my family’s’ debts, which kinda annoyed me & I blocked them all without replying.
Jade or one of her friends then started posting a ton of comments with a fake profile under my posts about what an entitled piece of work I am & I ended up blocking that too & going private for now.
I don’t consider Josh’s debts my debts. I wouldn’t be surprised if Josh does owe funds to people, & while I empathize with anyone suffering hardship if he doesn’t pay them back, I don’t see how that is my problem.
I didn’t agree to loans, and Josh & I are not close. I’d rather spend my money on concerts than fixing his problems.
I do have enough money that I could afford to pay it back & still have savings, but I quite frankly don’t want to use a big chunk of my savings this way.
Jade’s friend also said I should give her the money & then chase Josh for it, but I’m not willing to do so because I’ll never see the funds again & I’m not the one who borrowed. But a lot of people think I should fix up Jade because she is pregnant.
AITJ for refusing to give her the money even if it means a pregnant woman will be living in her car?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t even understand why she would think you should pay it? Also, I’m sure she can stay with one of her rides or dies who apparently loves her enough to harass you on her behalf.
I wouldn’t believe her story about living in a car for one second. If she has thousands of euros to lend to your obviously sketchy brother, she’s probably just lying about being destitute to guilt your family into paying her back because whatever tactics she tried to get it out of your brother didn’t work.
If he was a teen, I could see asking your parents for it back, but they’re two grown adults who decided to do this transaction on their own, so it’s between them (and the courts if she decides to involve them, but I’m guessing there’s other sketchiness afoot that she doesn’t want known about).” Bruceskismum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if she’s telling the truth she made an obviously bad decision loaning several thousand euros to people who were just cut off because they’re a constant financial burden to the person who was supporting them. I find it hard to believe someone would loan so much to notoriously unreliable people when they have so little to give in the first place (if she’s at the point of having to live in her car) but then again maybe her partner was financially supporting her up until the pregnancy.
Either way, sadly for her, it’s not your problem. She should take them to small claims court and go after baby daddy for child support once the baby comes. Frankly, if I was financially struggling to the point of having to live in my car having the baby wouldn’t be an option for me, but I understand different people make different choices.” MinuteAstronomer2894
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. I’d probably tell them something like, ‘When my twin brother asked you for a loan, why on earth didn’t you ask yourself why he was asking you instead of his family? If his own family wouldn’t give him a loan, that should have been an obvious clue to you to think very carefully before giving him a loan.
There are two possibilities here: either you considered us estranged enough that it would make sense for him to go to you instead of me (in which case, why would I have any obligation to settle his debts?), or you considered us close enough that I should be responsible for his financial situation,’ in which case you should have refused him the loan and told him to come to me.
You chose to give him the loan despite either believing no one else had such an obligation to him (in which case you acknowledged that I wasn’t obligated, so leave me alone) or believing his family was obligated (in which case, the fact that he was going to you was your very clear clue, so leave me alone).
I make donations to charities that I trust to use the funds responsibly to improve the world; I don’t spend it enabling my brother. You knew what you were signing up for; don’t pretend I’m responsible for your bad decisions.’ I mean, just blocking them is probably smarter, but I’m not very good at being quiet when I’m indignant.” littlefiddle05
10. AITJ For Complaining About My Coworker Bringing His Toddlers To The Office?
“My office reopened a few weeks ago. One of my co-workers has 2 toddlers and he lost his wife during the health crisis. They were a two-income family and he told me that they were struggling a bit financially, especially after all the medical bills prior to his wife’s death (may she rest in peace).
Due to the health crisis, our office layout has changed and everyone required to come to the office was given rooms to use instead of the cubicles we usually use.
When my coworker requested in the team meeting to be allowed to bring his kids to work, none of us objected. We were sure that he would get a big office and it would not disturb us.
I work in a male-dominated field and there are only 3 female employees and I am the only one on our floor.
My coworker constantly leaves his children with me for hours. I feel like I am doing more babysitting than my actual job. He doesn’t even ask permission. he just asks the kids to go to my office. The kid just says ‘my dad asked me and my brother to stay with you’. When I confront him he says that he is in a meeting or he needs to concentrate etc.
The last straw for me was when I found out that he left the kids with me and had gone out for lunch with a few of his office friends. I went to HR and complained about this.
He confronted me and told me that because of my complaint he was told by HR that he can work from home if he wants but he cannot bring his children to work anymore.
He said that the only reason he went to lunch was to gel more with the manager so that he is on their good side and to make sure that he will receive hikes/bonuses/promotions.
He said that he would never be able to finish his work, hit his targets, and get bonuses if he works from home and he is gonna lose a lot of money with babycare if he decides to come to the office (he is not wrong.
It is very hard and slow to work from home. Work gets done much easier and faster from the office).
Now, everyone (edit: except my team and manager) is annoyed at me for complaining against a struggling father and grieving widower. AITJ for directly going to HR?
I requested him several times not to send his kids to my office unannounced. But I never warned him that I would go to HR if he kept it up.
Edit: For the sake of transparency, he has never lied to me. He does send his kids only when he has important meetings or deadlines. He is more client-focused, so he has more meetings than me. My work is more internal and I rarely have meetings. His manager is known for taking it personally if people do not attend outside office activities such as lunches or dinners or weekend potlucks etc (he labels such people as ‘poor team players’).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I was in a similar situation years ago when my child was small. I had my own office and on the days that my daycare provider was not available, I had to bring my child to work with me. I brought 2 huge bags of toys and set my child up in a corner of the room.
He happily played quietly for hours. Many people would come into my office and not even notice he was there. He was set up on the other side of the big meeting table I had in my office. But it depends on the child’s temperament too. My child wasn’t clingy or whiny & didn’t throw temper tantrums. And it was my job as a parent to make sure he had enough stuff to keep him busy.
Nothing worse than a bored child! His children are NOT your responsibility! If he needed someone to watch them for a short time like during a meeting he should ASK! But instead, he dismissed you telling him NOT to send his kids to your office because he feels you and your job are less important than his.
What about your work? WHY are his children NOT his responsibility but his coworker’s responsibility?? You spoke to him several times about this and he chose to ignore you. You did the right thing by going to HR. Now you need to go back to HR and tell them that he has retaliated against you by going to your coworkers and causing them to have issues with you.
He has created a lot of drama in your work. And he should be working from home WHERE ALL THE KIDS TOYS ARE.
He can set up an office in his bedroom and put a movie on for his kids to watch during his meetings. But he has absolutely NO RIGHT to disrupt the workplace and pawn his kids off on his coworkers.
Your job is not paying you to babysit your coworker’s kids! If he wants the company to pay for a sitter then he needs to bring that up to them.” Southern_Hamster_338
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If his kids were in his office or otherwise not significantly affecting you, and you complained, that wouldn’t be right at all.
If you had agreed to help with the kids then went to HR, that wouldn’t be right.
If you had only gone to him to tell him not to send his kids to you once and he then stopped, that’d be questionable.
But this man is using you as a drop-in daycare center, for hours at a time, and not only isn’t asking for permission, you have repeatedly explicitly told him not to do this.
He can’t work with his kids in his office with him so he sends them to you. Why? Because somehow you could work while watching them? Because he views your work as less important than his?
If he needs a babysitter, he needs to actually hire a babysitter. Your employer went out of their way to accommodate his needs in an awful situation.
All he had to do was do what he said he was going to do and watch his kids while doing his job. Instead, he abused the kindness of his employer and frequently dumped his kids on the nearest woman without permission.
You tried to be patient. You actually did watch the kids (I am surprised you never sent them right back to their dad’s office, which would have been a very appropriate response).
You told him repeatedly to stop using you as a daycare. Going to HR was probably the only way to actually put a stop to this. Surely your work was suffering while he was trying for that promotion he wanted since you were busy watching a pair of toddlers when you should have been doing your actual job.” 7thatsanope
Another User Comments:
“NO. NO NO NO NO NOPE. I cannot stand kids, so his kids coming to me for more than 5 minutes would have had me dragging them straight back to his office and giving him the dirtiest look. They are his kids, and it is so sad, and so unfortunate that he lost his wife, but he cannot expect that some woman at his office will just happily take over the childcare because he needs to work as if you just sit at your desk twiddling your thumbs all day until one of your male coworkers finally asks you to babysit instead of doing your job.
I’m surprised you let it happen more than once. That’s why when you went to HR, they immediately sided with you and told him to work from home and not bring them in.
He took advantage of you and of everyone else agreeing to let him bring them in. You didn’t need to threaten him with HR before going to them, you shouldn’t have had to even ask him to stop sending them.
He never should have done that in the first place. He put himself in this position by acting like his job is so much more important than yours and not figuring out childcare from an appropriate source. If his coworkers or boss are so mad at you for not just dealing with it and going to HR, they can babysit while working or your boss can promote him/give him a raise/cover the costs of childcare in order to have him in the office.
It is NOT nor has it ever been your responsibility. UGH! NTJ.” daeganthedragon
9. WIBTJ If I Didn't Help With My Brother's Funeral Proceedings?
“I (22F) just recently found out my brother (24M) died in a fatal car accident yesterday.
It was a huge shock and I’m so devastated.
My family wants me over and there to help with the funeral arrangements and to be supportive as well. I however have not talked to my mom and dad in over a year. We went no contact in May 2020. My childhood wasn’t the best and my dad was abusive mostly to my mother but to me as well.
So I decided I would go no contact with dad leaving the door open for my mom. She hasn’t spoken to me since our parting. I made this decision on my own and now that my brother has died my other older brother (25M) wants me to smooth things over and talk things out.
Honestly, I have no desire but I haven’t made a decision yet; I’m thinking over all my options.
I won’t lie my mother is not blame-free and I’m upset that she has chosen him over and over, especially over all our safety. Not being around my dad has been such a breath of fresh air. I’m happier and becoming more who I want to be. After being NC for this long I don’t really want to smooth this over.
I don’t even want to think about this but they are more worried about this. I plan to be at the funeral and I’m not being stopped (at this time) from being there. My father will likely apologize for what happened in the past but he is a recently frail man after having a heart attack this June.
But I made this decision mostly to protect my children as going back does put them at risk for the stuff I endured. WIBTJ if I decided to just go to the funeral and not fix our issues in spite of the situation?”
Another User Comments:
“I come from a messed up family environment, so I get where you are coming from.
And I think for me it would be difficult as well. When you go no contact it’s to keep yourself from more pain because the relationship is generally toxic.
However, the flip side of this is that in a way, you may be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Remaining no contact and not being involved seems like it will hurt you.
Like you may one day feel bad that you weren’t part of your brother’s arrangements. And this is part of your process to say goodbye to him as well. So the question is more about what you need to do for yourself with regards to your brother’s passing. Will it bother you to think back that you missed it because you needed to avoid your parents?
Do you think you could be involved in a limited way with limited contact and firm boundaries for the funeral than just go back to no contact?
NTJ because you are trying to watch out for your own feelings and well-being, something that clearly was not a priority in your family. You are never the jerk when making sure you don’t put yourself into a toxic and potentially abusive situation.
Anyone that implies that you are clearly doesn’t understand that you need to take care of your own well-being.” optimistic-potential
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that death doesn’t make people better people… but also the fact someone else dies doesn’t erase what family did to you.
I get why your siblings would want you to patch things up with your parents… family is important, but you don’t have to prioritize toxic people, even if your brother died. I have been in NC with my dad, stepmom, sisters, and that side of the family for years.
I keep occasional contact with my grandad, but that’s about it. I don’t even know if someone will reach out to me when dad dies… and honestly, I don’t want them to.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm… which means you don’t have to compromise your own morals and values just because someone passed away.
It’s sad, but it doesn’t change what happened.” OctoLlama88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My deepest condolences on the tragic loss of your brother.
Too much baggage to do otherwise than to show up at the funeral and leave immediately after. Mourn your brother but there is absolutely no obligation to ‘smooth’ things over with the parents or to change communication status.
It is not appropriate of your other brother to try to heal the family. That is between you and your parents and not his place or time to fix things.” Remdog58
I agree that it's hard and I feel pressure in many different ways... but genetics do not give people the rights to you. If it is better for your life to only take a small part, then that is your choice. They do not have to like it. And all of these things are OK.
8. WIBTJ For Quitting My Job And Leaving My Disabled Boss In A Tough Spot?
“I (24F) work at a very small shop as the only employee alongside my boss (65M), who is in a wheelchair after experiencing medical issues.
I do all of the heavy lifting, cleaning, displays, pretty much everything aside from the actual transactions. I don’t really care for this job already because it’s retail and my boss talks constantly (especially about politics and controversial things), which makes me miserable as I am fairly introverted. I work Thursday-Saturdays and have never been late, always done more than asked, and basically keep the entire shop functioning.
I’ve worked here since the end of April and taking any time off for something important has been almost impossible. I have missed multiple birthdays, baby showers, an engagement party, and I would’ve missed going wedding dress shopping with my future SIL (whom I love dearly) except that my absolutely wonderful spouse stepped in and said that they would help my boss so that I could go.
The one time I absolutely had to call in sick, he gave me some grief about the short notice and then again when I came in the next morning. I obviously can’t schedule being sick, but in fairness, my boss can’t afford another employee and his wife also has some pretty severe medical issues as well.
I just asked for a few hours off on the 18th to go to a friend’s birthday party (a friend I’ve had to turn down invitations from for months now) and my boss essentially told me that missing out wasn’t a big deal, that we needed to earn more this month, and that back in his day he missed things all the time for work.
He said he doesn’t have anyone else to cover my spot, can’t afford to hire someone else, and that sometimes I have to just ‘miss the fun stuff.’
I’ve never quit a job (I don’t even know how to, honestly), but I’m miserable. I don’t know the extent of potential issues that I would cause by leaving, but I’m finding it hard to prioritize a job over my family and friends, especially as those events are sometimes the only thing I look forward to.
WIBTJ for quitting (with notice) and potentially leaving behind issues?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: if you take away the fact that he’s disabled, you’d be telling a story about a toxic work environment in which the boss abuses you, refuses your right to regular life, and you’re miserable.
You owe him nothing, in or out of a wheelchair.
Disabled people are just regular people who have additional needs, but they still can and should be judged on the content of their character. And your boss seems like a jerk, and you seem unhappy.
Also: jobs are nonsense. Most jobs are not more important than your personal well-being; those jobs do exist but you have to make a choice to enter them knowing that fact, and I guarantee that no sales job meets that criteria.
You can quit for any and all reasons, even because you just don’t feel like working. Obviously how you pay your bills is something you’ll need to deal with, but you can quit.
As for how to do it: 2 weeks’ notice is appropriate. If he makes a big stink about it, and you live in an at-will state, then just leave then and there.
You can choose to give him notice now, or start looking for a job and wait to give notice until you get hired somewhere.” LessEvilBender
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a job, like any other. Either side can decide it’s not working at any point for any or no reason and end the working relationship.
You are really unhappy in this job and it sounds like you are in a position where quitting is an option for you (or maybe you plan to find something else before quitting, whatever the case may be) so you should most definitely do it. I totally get why you are hesitating. Quitting this job can feel like you are letting someone down.
But you have every right to leave given that it’s just not working out for you and you’re miserable.
Your boss’s attitude is ridiculous. He should have planned for a situation in which you are not available but he hasn’t. That’s on him. When you run a business you need to have a contingency plan.
Goodness forbid you had something come up that you could not miss under any circumstances, he would have to make do. At this point, he’s shown you that he’s inflexible and hasn’t planned for this and it’s not your responsibility to cater to that. So yes, quit and hopefully take some time off before your next job!” RZ8409
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Quit. On you quitting: you may be accommodating and give him plenty of notice, two weeks notice, or on the spot, you are done notice. Up to you. It’s easy. ‘This job isn’t working for me so (this date) will be my last day.’ If he’s a jerk about it, then say ‘Well, I was trying to give you time to hire someone else before my leaving.
But I think it would be better for me to leave right now. Please mail me my last check. I will be looking for it.’ There are jobs out there. Just remember though, in the unskilled level jobs, they are rarely accommodating to their workers. If you are looking for something that will still give you some level of life freedom in that type of job, then choose early morning (examples: factory, b-fast places if you can tolerate working with food, grocery stores, call centers) or late evening jobs (ex: factory, call centers, warehouse work, again grocery stores for stocking jobs, industrial plants that operate 24/7) that leave open hours for doing life.
It’s surprising how many people hate taking jobs with those hours. My DH purposely chose evening shifts as a plant supervisor so he could golf more often, do kid things when they were younger, etc… I purposely kept my job as an independent consultant so I could carve out my hours as I wanted so I could golf with him some days and take care of kid things as needed. I had to give up some perks by not taking a full-time company-directed placement, but it was worth it to me to have time for my family and interests.
You might look at internet retail companies that hire home workers for customer service as well. I have one friend that does bill collection from her home and another that does transcription services.” embracedthegrey
But guess what? If he’s smart enough to be a business owner, he’s smart enough to know that he needs contingency plans for his workers because yes, life will happen. What he’s done is taken the easy way out by guilting you. His business is not your problem. Not that I’m wishing this on you, but if you dropped dead tomorrow, he’d figure out how to run his business without you.
7. AITJ For Having Hobbies?
“My partner (37f) and I (41m) have been together for nearly 6 years. Last year we bought a house together for us, her son (12), her dog, and the dog we got together 2 years ago. I love sports and go to events and watch them on tv regularly. I bowl on a league every other week. But more importantly, I love board games.
When we bought the house we had the basement finished and I made sure there was a dedicated space for my games, all 150 of them, and my custom-made table. We have hosted many friends in this nice new space and I’ve had friends over many times that we play games with. But see, I used to be able to play with a group weekly.
5 years ago I moved away from them and have been searching for a new weekly group to meet with. 2 months ago I found a new group. They meet at 8:30 pm every Friday and we often play till 2 or 3 in the morning. Now that I’ve been going to this group for 5 out of the last 8 weeks she says I’m gone too often and my hobbies are my life.
Some more context: her son’s dad hasn’t really been in the picture for the last 8 years. He has been in and out of jail and even when he’s out he barely sees him. This has made me a full-time dad nearly from the get-go when we met over 6 years ago. I treat him like my son.
I spend time with him, I’ve taught him tons of games he loves. I pick him up from school, take him to basketball practice, spoil him on Christmas.
My point is I’m very present in this role I accepted when we met. But now suddenly being gone from 8:30 to 3 am Friday is a problem. I’ve never been with or talked to other women.
I don’t go to bars or clubs all the time. I don’t drink, heavily gamble, or do illegal stuff. I make decent money, pay most of our bills, and used my funds to put us all in a larger, nicer home to accommodate all of us. But now suddenly playing board games is a problem cause I’m gone every Friday.
Somehow this is really bothering her but also I have felt like she has tried to micromanage other aspects of my life previously so this isn’t totally off course. I’m a very independent individual and if I feel cooped up too long I get stir crazy. I need sports, games, and hobbies to make life fun and keep my mind off the grind of life.
AITJ for telling her I will continue to go to game group each week unless something really important comes up? Again, it’s just been 5 out of 8 weeks so far.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You say you are hosting games in your house every week.
Are you also doing the work of getting the house clean to look good for guests beforehand, organizing all of the snacks/drinks, and completely cleaning up after?
(Bear in mind that even if you don’t mind hosting guests in a messy house, she’ll be the one blamed and judged for bad housekeeping.)
Your total ‘hobbies’ time does add up. Games every week, bowling every other week, plus how many days/evenings are you taking time to watch sports on TV? And are you doing your 50% of the cooking, cleaning, etc., not just when asked, but the mental work of remembering, staying on top of it?
It sounds as if gaming is the final straw on top of all of your other hobby time.
The things you’re doing for the child sound like you’re picking and choosing the things you like, such as sports and games. Being a parent isn’t all sports and games, it is laundry and cooking and a lot of other tedious things.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Make sure that there isn’t anything she is missing out on or some other reason why it bothers her. It could be that she wants to do things with you on Fridays sometimes or something. I understand it can be a bummer when your partner seems to prioritize a hobby, but I also understand just how hard it is to find a good gaming group that meets with any regularity.
When you talk to her about it again, make it clear you are coming from a place of wanting to be understanding, I’m sure you’ll figure it all out.” 310SK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t specify that you two are married & even if you are, you wouldn’t be the jerk for having a hobby that is a once-a-week occurrence.
Did you try including her in your game night? Sometimes people need a break from their mundane lives & you joining a group one night a week isn’t hurting anyone, except her ego.
My hubs goes to game night every Saturday to play D&D; the few times he decides to stay home I make a joking comment stating his friends can’t change the custody agreement last minute on me (yes, he is aware it is a joke) & I NEVER get on him about his game nights & his friends insist I’m always invited (more as a courtesy but still an open invite).
It’s great you picked up the slack in the father department for her son but the kid isn’t yours unless you legally adopt him. Let her vent & if she comes up with a VALID reason for her controlling behavior on this, then be open to discussing it. I wouldn’t call you a jerk for having ANY legal hobby; people need outlets to decompress from the stresses in their lives & this is yours.” Few-Entrepreneur383
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re allowed to maintain separate interests within a relationship. You’re allowed to reserve and spend time on passion projects or hobbies within a relationship.
She’s allowed to articulate her thoughts and feelings to you about your actions within the relationship.
Many people fail to have quality conversational skills. If she’s saying you’re spending too much time on hobbies, she’s probably trying to articulate that she feels like you aren’t doing enough of something else.
Idk whether that is failing to pull your weight around the house domestically (cleaning, cooking, appointment management, pet management, etc), or if you’re neglecting your relationship with her to some degree (not making time for her, not intimately or romantically feeding the relationship).
IMO it’s probably not about your game night, but how you aren’t properly delegating your time around the home or within the relationship.
You should KEEP your game night as is. Just ask your partner in a non-accusatory and non-hostile way how you can use what time you do have to make her feel that she and the house aren’t being neglected.
Also, couples therapy is always a good idea. She doesn’t have a right to dictate your entire life simply because you’re in a relationship, however, it is possible that you are oblivious to things that you’re slacking on within the home or relationship.
It’s always a good idea to speak to a professional to find a well-rounded balance of reasonable needs getting met in the relationship.
There’s always room for additional compassion, consideration, and thoughtfulness in a relationship.” gofigure62
Maybe she is feeling a disconnect. It doesn't make you a jerk to have a hobby. If you use rhe whole weekend and she/they want to spend time with you, inventory exactly how much time you are preoccupied, including making up sleep. Be honest with yourself.
6. AITJ For Hiding My Son From My Partner?
“I and this guy (35F and 23M) had been going out for almost a year now.
I didn’t tell him that I had a 9-year-old son at first because I thought it might be a turn-off initially and that he might feel burdened because he’d feel he had some kind of responsibility he wasn’t ready for. He’s still really young, and I didn’t want him to think I’d expect him to be some kind of father figure immediately.
Of course, I wasn’t going to keep this from him for much longer, I’d actually considered telling him already but it just never seemed like it was the right moment. I was able to keep it from him because my son mostly lives with his dad, and I was able to coordinate the time I spend with him without it clashing with when I see my man.
We usually prefer to go out, but when he does come over I try to hide all traces of my son, which I know seems very over the top but again, I was going to tell him when the time was right.
He ended up finding out when I had taken a nap on his couch and I left my phone on the coffee table.
He saw a text from my ex that asked if I could pick our son up from his grandparent’s house instead of him driving him to my place. He thought at first that it was my brother asking me to pick up my nephew (he has the same name as my ex), and just casually told me that my brother had texted me.
I told him that it was actually my son and he was understandably shocked. He didn’t seem too happy that I had kept it from him. I told him I waited a bit to tell him because I didn’t want him to feel pressured and that I was going to tell him soon anyway. I also don’t think one year is that long for a relationship, and that there are bound to be things that we still don’t know about each other.
Is it really that bad that I waited a bit before telling him about my son?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with that you’re definitely the jerk and here’s why.
I’m going to give you this from three perspectives:
a) The childfree
I am child-free, not childless but child-free. I don’t ever watch children and I’m not the biggest fan of children.
To me, children can sort of be nice to have around but only if you can give them back and that’s only if they are well mannered and behaved (excl. any mental conditions that might affect their behavior). I don’t know if this came up with you two in conversation but ‘if you’re looking to have children even if there’s a slim chance of it, you have the wrong person and this will never work out’ is one of the first things I say on the first meeting.
I would be livid if I was going out with someone, especially for a year and I find out that they have a child. I’d maybe stay friends but I would feel lied to and fooled. And this actually happened to me and I immediately broke it off. I’m still friends with them but that’s it.
That’s one perspective.
b) The not ready for it
There are people out there that want children in the distant future but at the point that they are in their lives, they just don’t feel ready at all. There’s a lot that that person might want to do, to achieve, or to experience before they take on the role and responsibility of being a parent.
Now in your case, they might be missing the diapers and the ‘sleepless nights’ stages however teen years are coming up, more expenses will be coming up, and different kinds of responsibilities. They might not mentally also have changed enough to adapt to be a parent. There are a lot of people who got pregnant unexpectedly, didn’t feel ready either, but that’s their own child/ren and they start the process from pregnancy and birth not from when the child is 9.
One can’t blame them for not feeling ready to assume the role of a parent or guardian of sorts.
c) Not wanting to raise someone else’s kid
As messed up as it may sound, there are people out there that just don’t want to raise another man’s child. That shouldn’t be held against the child I feel but I do understand where people come from in saying that they don’t want to raise another man’s child.
This is coming from having had an ex-stepdad who didn’t want to raise me and guess what? I was nine when they started their relationship. He decided to go on with her but he and I ended up hating each other after they got married. My father was alive for the first two years of their being together.
I did end up living with them and that’s where the hatred starts 2 years in. There are always a lot of different reasons why someone wouldn’t want to raise someone else’s child.
I want to trace the year part as well. A year might not seem like much but in a relationship, it’s important if you want it to be long-term.
That here is the year where trust is built, you form an idea about how the person is, you learn about their character and that’s where the start of a bond forms. One can’t make out that first year to be nothing because, in reality, it’s very important in a lot of ways, again if he wants it to be long-term.
The last thing I do want to address is, this is deceitful. If your child stays mostly with his father then you should have said to your partner something along the lines of ‘I have a child but he mostly stays with his father so far, are you okay with it and are you willing to accept my child?’ That should have been said at least two months/three months in.
You should have given him an option, a choice. By not telling him, you deprived him of making his own choice as an adult with his own life and future in mind.
I’m not all sure what you guys have discussed about your future and about children but that would be my general take with the lack of knowing what you guys have discussed and how he feels about children in general. The fact that he’s that much younger as well should be taken highly into consideration with all this.” clouded_mind_416
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I feel so bad for your son. Imagine his dad did drop him off at OP’s unexpectedly and the kid walks in to see all traces of him hidden as if he’s a burden. All so mom can pretend she doesn’t have any children because she doesn’t think her 23-year-old partner is ready to know about him yet… after a year.
A kid is something you should bring up at the latest when you notice there’s potential for a romantic relationship, exactly so that the other person can decide for themselves whether they want to commit to being a stepparent in the future. You deliberately took that agency away from your partner and waited until he was too involved to back out without heartbreak, and you would’ve waited even longer if he hadn’t seen that text.
The ‘one year isn’t that long’ highlights why you should not be in an age gap relationship, OP. Are you capable of putting yourself in his shoes? If he started going out with people at 16, chances are that your current relationship is (one of) the longest and most serious he’s ever had. Why are you even with him, why is he with you?” Isbistra
Another User Comments:
“Wow. YTJ. Firstly have you ever considered that some people are child-free? Secondly, at 23 have you considered that maybe if he wanted to have children that maybe he isn’t ready for a child?
Not trying to be a jerk but you could have potentially wasted a year of this guy’s life?
Especially if he decided to be CF, you should have mentioned this before even agreeing to meet up, then give him the option if he would like to continue. After that, if he does, then you have all the time in the world to get an established relationship before meeting your son. If not then everyone moves on.
But you decided to keep it from him, for a whole year which IS a long time.
Would you have even told him after a year had you not have been caught out? Seem like a trap of sorts to me. It can be a deal-breaker for a lot of people.
Then you try and pretend your son doesn’t exist?
To answer the question, it is VERY bad to wait that long, and tbh you didn’t even tell him because you wanted to at that time.” WishAppropriate1265
5. WIBTJ If I Tell My Parents Why I Got Kicked Out Of My Friend's House?
“I am 16. I just lost it. I know my best friend is not the calmest or most careful girl. I was visiting her, and her mom forgot I was there I guess.
She broke a plate and her mom started to yell. The things she said were horrible. Her dad had left them when she was 7. She doesn’t talk about him but I know she feels horrible about it.
Her mom called her an idiot and then said ‘no wonder he left us. Useless idiot.’ I came out of her room and her mom was calling her a lot of things.
I lost it.
I yelled at her mom. I said she shouldn’t talk to her like that. I don’t honestly remember what I said but it was just telling her to stop.
My friend took me back to her room and made me promise not to tell anyone about this and she would stop talking to me if I did.
I promised her not to tell my parents.
My mom picked me up and her mom said I had been very rude and she didn’t want me coming over. My mom is very upset and she knows I have a bit of a temper so she asked me what happened.
Mom and dad won’t let me go over to any friend’s place for a month.
And I want to tell them.
I l know she didn’t want me to tell my parents but they are punishing me and I honestly can’t sleep because I can’t get the way my friend was standing when her mom yelled at her out of my mind. My friend was begging and crying when she made me promise not to tell anyone.
I feel really messed up and I want to ruin our friendship because I can’t handle it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your friend’s mother was verbally abusive to your friend. You called her out on it. The fact that the mother couldn’t deal with someone telling her it is wrong to call her own daughter a ‘useless idiot’ is not your fault.
Tell your mother exactly what happened. Your mother may be willing to help, such as by letting your friend come over if her mother is acting up. Your friend needs an adult on her side, given what is going on.
Dealing with this is above your paygrade, but your mother may have some good advice and ideas to help.
Seeing a friend being abused is painful and traumatic – not as difficult as being the one being abused, but still, something that is shocking, especially if you’re from a home where people are kind and respectful.
Do be clear to your mother that your friend asked you not to tell. And that you are telling, not because you want to betray your friend or protect yourself, but because you know your friend is being harmed by her mother and needs help, and you’re not sure what to do.
Because it sounds as if you’d take the punishment for your friend – but the way she was broken by her mother’s behavior is what is really eating you.
Your parents could tell your friend something like ‘OP did not tell me the details of what happened at your house the other day, but we could see it distressed her.
Here is our phone number. Should you find that you need the help of an adult, please call us.’ This offers your friend a safe haven while protecting her feeling of dignity, and offering a fig-leaf of privacy.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (or wouldn’t be?) – in fact, you need to tell your parents the real reason.
I know you want to stand up for your friend and you love her and it hurts to hear these things being said to her but please, don’t do that again. That could put you and your friend in danger. I don’t think you should be going over to that friend’s house anymore; the best thing you might be able to do is to let your friend stay over at your house (with your parent’s full knowledge of the situation and permission of course) as much as she can.
It sounds like she’s in an abusive situation. It’s easy to say – just call CPS blah blah blah but the reality is that it isn’t that simple. Even if she was removed from her home (not super likely) it’s EXTREMELY unlikely that whatever foster situation she’s placed in would be much better. This is going off the assumption that your friend is also 16.
It’s extremely difficult to find placements for older teens that are 1) nearby to where they already live (oftentimes foster placements are several counties away) 2) aren’t a group home with other teens that may have severe behavioral issues and 3) the foster parents aren’t abusive themselves. I think knowing this information is what is making your friend terrified of you telling adults – to the point of threatening not to speak to you.
I think you do need to tell your mom but to come up with a plan to best support your friend and ensure her that you’re not going to totally uproot her life.” Affectionate_Data936
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but with some solemn advice.
You obviously did what you felt was the right thing according to your own convictions and stood up for your friend.
If you were defending your friend from bullies from school or even from a teacher, it would have been the right thing to do.
However, just something to think of for next time, and you will eventually learn this anyway because you are obviously a defender type and are motivated to stand up for people and I would rather you not learn this the hard way:
But sometimes you need to recognize when you are in a scenario where you can walk away from the escalated conflict, but your friend, who you were defending, cannot. Your parents being disappointed and not seeing your friends for a little while is a pretty minor consequence compared to what consequences your friend might be facing because you stood up to her mother.
Sometimes what’s best to help your friend isn’t standing up for them when they themselves aren’t prepared for the consequences of such, but recognizing when this situation is a bit over your head, and not getting directly involved but seeking an adult for help.
You don’t know what happens after you leave. You don’t know if your friend will be punished because of your interference.
I think you should tell your parents, even if it risks your friendship because this scenario is not something for kids to deal with.” genomerain
4. AITJ For Giving A Gift To My Cousin's Kid But Not To Her Stepkid?
“As part of a large blended family, Christmas presents are dangerous territory, but I try my best to keep everyone happy and gift fairly, which is why I’m feeling guilty and confused about whether I’ve made a faux pas.
I have always sent birthday and Christmas gifts to my cousin’s three elementary school-age kids. A few years ago my cousin re-partnered, and her new husband has a kid a little younger than the other three. The stepkid spends half her time with my cousin and the family. I have briefly met the stepkid once.
My practice with Christmas gifting since the new husband and stepkid have been in the household is to still send small individual gifts to the three children to who I’m ‘auntie’, and my cousin, and a ‘whole of family’ gift as well. This year I sent some homemade goodies to share. (I don’t spend a lot of money, even on individual gifts.
It’s always something small like stationery.)
When my package arrived this year, my cousin sent me a polite but obviously unhappy text message, pointing out that ‘again’ I hadn’t included a gift for the stepkid, and they had some awkward explaining to do as a family.
Should I have sent an individual gift to the stepkid as well?
I’ve been coasting along with the assumption that sending individual gifts only to the people I’m actually related to is acceptable, and sending a gift for everyone to share is a polite way to bring the others some festive joy also. But now I worry that I’ve hurt the feelings of a small person who doesn’t know anything about our family background and just sees the other kids getting a present when she’s not.
AITJ?
Side note, my cousin also said in her text that they ‘don’t expect presents’, but not sending anything after years of doing it seems abrupt and sad (gifting is the main love language for me since I don’t live near the family and don’t see them often). I’m considering doing no individual gifts in the future and just a shareable one… thoughts are appreciated.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this isn’t going to be popular but the fact is that the kids have different families. I absolutely believe that if you marry someone you are taking on the responsibility to care for their children. However, that responsibility does not automatically extend to your family. Let alone to cousin’s stepchildren.
I would suggest being tactful about it. Don’t give gifts to some children in front of others if at all possible. That type of thing.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Jesus Christ dude why is the only option in your head to not give this kid a gift?? ‘Should I just give one big family gift’ oh god no dude you said you don’t even spend much so one more small gift isn’t going to hurt?
You seem dead set on avoiding giving this kid an individual gift. I know you said you’ve only met them once but it doesn’t sound like your gifts are very personal anyways. Just something small, a gesture really. Making a gesture that includes all but one family member is such a jerk thing to do.
It’s understandable that your relationship would be different with your cousin’s actual kids but we’re not talking about deep family bonds here we’re talking about a cheap casual gift.” Senior-Salamander-77
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – but not intentionally I hope. If you are going to send gifts for the three you should send something for the stepkid.
I’ve been in the stepkid’s shoes and it hurts and sticks with you. It also probably hurts your cousin as that is her child now. Blood does not make family, love does and while you may not love stepkid you love your cousin.
My niece was my brother and his ex-wife’s first child.
After the split, my mom ended up raising my niece and her mom went on to have three more kids. My mom includes them at Christmas and sends individual birthday gifts for them. She is not rich but it is the thought that counts. She does this because she loves my niece and my niece loves her siblings.” GuineaPanda
3. AITJ For Sending Food Back?
” “My husband is extremely non-confrontational and will not complain about anything, so for example if he gets his food order wrong he will just eat it.
I am always polite, will apologize but let the server know what was wrong and if I can have it redone.
My husband says that makes me a Karen but I never make a scene, blame anyone or ask to see a manager, simply request if there is any way I can get what I ordered.
So, am I the jerk? Am I a Karen for sending stuff back or is my husband just too non-confrontational?”
Another User Comments:
“Tough choice here but it kinda depends on why you sent the dish back. I am leaning NTJ here and going to give you the benefit of assuming it was a valid reason. Also, you did it politely so that goes a long way towards not being a Karen. Karens aren’t polite.
FYI. I never send dishes back. Never. After having worked and known a lot of servers and cooks, there is absolutely no way I would send an order back. The petty reasons some will use to excuse adulterating your food are astounding. If I get a dish that is too messed up to eat, I simply tell the waiter to remove it, no refire and I don’t go back.
I might order an appetizer or something that can be sent out quickly but no refire. I understand this isn’t really an option for everyone but I don’t have allergies so if I don’t get it the way I wanted I will just eat it.
I have rarely had to refuse something. The last time was 4 or 5 years ago when I met someone at a restaurant that I don’t ever go to because of a health inspection record and history of screwing up my orders, but my friend insisted. I got a chicken Ceasar salad because that would be hard to screw up.
Absolutely the worst chicken Ceasar I have ever been served. Unedible. Wilted and in some spots rotted lettuce, the chicken was fried (instead of grilled as I ordered) and was sopping in grease. Told the server to return it, not eating it, just bring another beer. She wouldn’t take it off the bill, whatever that’s fine, wasn’t going to make a scene over that.
My own fault for breaking my rules and eating there. My friend got about 1/3rd the way into his pasta before discovering a roach cooked up in it. Yep. They refused to take that off the bill also but he kinda went all Karen on them and started loudly complaining about a roach in his food.
We got asked to leave, the bill was comped though.” soonerborn23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There are all sorts of reasons you might need to send back food. And if you have any sensory issues or food-related trauma, those issues multiply. If you order food a specific way, it is because that is how you know you can eat it.
If it comes out with any differences, it might be inedible depending on:
Sensitivities, religious reasons, allergies, food-related trauma, ARFID, or other sensory disorders.
People love to jump on people who need specific diets, food prep, or modifications as immature or childish, but those of us with those issues would almost all give anything to feel ‘normal’ and eat ‘normally’.
You are not the jerk for making sure you can actually eat the food you ordered.” snartaremale
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you’re polite about it, are apologetic, and it’s a genuine problem where you’re trying to meet them halfway/working with them then you’re not a Karen. Karens throw conniption fits to get their way, use their position as a guest/customer to try to screw over the worker, and have entitled attitudes.
Karens will try to pick a fight or create a problem where there is none or create a mountain out of a molehill. A Karen would pop an attitude to the waiter, ask to see a manager even if the order is fixed/changed, and try to get a free meal. Just because you’re pointing out that something is wrong doesn’t mean that you’re making a scene and acting like a Karen.” xaledonia
2. AITJ For Shouting At My Mom For Looking After My Grandma?
“I’m a 15-year-old high school student and I wear my glasses 24/7, especially during school. My parents both work full time but very recently my grandad (85) has been ill and got rushed to hospital. I won’t get into details but he has to go into surgery and won’t get out for a while.
As my mum is a great woman and loves helping others, over the last few days she’s been staying with my grandma to do work at her house to keep her company but only gets home around 6 pm, when her work finishes at 5 pm.
Over the past month, I have been constantly telling my mum and dad about my eye problems and how my prescription is not strong enough and I need to get new lenses.
They have done nothing to help until a few days ago when my mum booked me in for the wrong kind of appointment at the opticians, and there were no available appointments until the end of January. She only told me this the night before and that was when she got home from my grandma’s house, at 7 pm.
All of the opticians in my area close at 5:30 pm. She refused to pick me up from school even though she said she could and is using my grandad being in the hospital to get out of doing things like shopping and hanging out, or she uses ‘needing to stay at my grandma’s house to keep her company’ as an excuse.
A few days ago we agreed that when she got home she would call up different opticians and book an appointment for me. Well here’s a surprise for you, she didn’t come home until 6 pm when it was too late. I blew up on her saying that she can’t keep on using her mother-in-law as an excuse or my grandad needing to be picked up from the hospital. She got very upset by this as she thinks that I don’t care about my grandparents but I really do, she has just been putting it off for so long I have gotten sick of it.
I’m really conflicted as to if I was the jerk in the situation as my grandad has only been in hospital for a week, and she’s been putting it off for a week and it’s not like my aunt or my dad could go and see my grandma. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I realize you are 15 and therefore, are still a child, but you don’t have any idea the stress and strain your mother is under right now. An elderly father in the hospital is seriously ill in need of surgery, she is currently working from your grandmother’s house while caring for her, working long hard days and you yell at her?
It’s not an excuse that she needs to pick up your grandfather – it’s a fact. It’s not an excuse that your grandmother needs to be cared for – it’s a fact. When would you like her to spend time ‘hanging out’ right now?
I am sure your mom would love to prioritize your eye appointment, but there seems to be a lot she is juggling at home and with your grandparents.
Have you offered to help her at all? Are you doing more around the house to give her more time? Also, at 15, are you unable to call the optician to book your own appointment?” thestarlighter
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Definitely. You are 15, not 5, and are perfectly capable of figuring out a solution yourself if it’s so urgent.
It seems more like you are annoyed that you are not the priority/center of attention right now, rather than about this one specific issue. An elderly person in a hospital is a scary thing, and being a caregiver for someone in that situation is an exhausting and time-consuming job. If this is such a huge issue, I’m sure you can figure it out yourself rather than waiting on someone to do it for you.
If it isn’t that big a deal (I had lenses with the wrong prescription for over a year due to financial reasons, and my eyes are really bad, so I know it’s annoying but not the end of the world), then wait until your mother is not literally caring for a seriously sick relative. I don’t think that you mean to come across this way, but being entitled and aggressive is not a good look, and I’m not sure you want to (or should ) treat your mother that way.” Altruistic_Can_4481
Another User Comments:
“I’m not gonna put a judgment because your age makes this situation so different.
It really sucks that you feel like you’re being put on the back burner because your parents work long hours and have to take care of other people. It’s okay to feel this way. It doesn’t make you a jerk.
It’s really hard when things change.
Maybe you can go with your mom to see your grandma and call the eye doctor together? That way you can spend time and learn how to make an important phone call?
Again I really hear you, you miss your mom and you want to feel important. We all feel like that.
Maybe have a heart-to-heart with your mom and apologize for yelling… tell her that you miss her but you understand how hard she is working to keep everything together. Ask her if there is a way for you to spend one on one time together sometime soon.” forboognish
1. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Mom Charge My Partner Rent?
“I (18F) share a bedroom with my significant other (18M) at my mom’s house. He’s been living with us for a bit over a year now and things have been perfectly fine till recently. This has never been a conversation before, but my mom randomly decides the idea of charging him $300 a month for rent.
Normally I would understand charging him for rent but hear me out. We are never home, constantly working and saving for our future. He is essentially paying $300 just for a bed to sleep on at night. He pays for most of our (me and him) expenses (food, gas, 50% insurance, our bills…etc). We never use my mother’s groceries, dishes, appliances… anything.
We even shower together to save water!!! We purchased our own mini-fridge and microwave for our own groceries/food just so we aren’t a burden to my mother. On top of all this, my mom makes $700+ a day, 5 days a week, so this isn’t a financial issue, as well as my grandpa supporting the house with money too.
The house is also completely paid off and owned so there’s no mortgage or anything other than utilities from my knowledge. My partner does everything for me so my parents never have to. I am well aware that him being able to live with me at such a young age is a privilege, but we cannot afford $300 since our paychecks aren’t too hefty and most of what’s left go to savings.
My mother has also been saying if he can’t pay by tonight, we have 2 weeks to move out. The price is firm and I’ve tried negotiating. AITJ?
update: A minor addition I should probably say, I do everything my mom asks me to. I was the first child out of 3 to get a job and be more independent, the only one with a license, yet I’m the youngest. My (20F) sister lives in the house free of charge, gets free rides to work with no license, and all her groceries and food are paid for.
I’m also asked to drive her to work every day which I do whenever I can. Whenever I can’t take her to work I’m verbally abused by every adult in this house.
Not to get into detail but I’ve always been the least favorite of the family. I feel like this is a targeted thing.
THIS WAS ALSO A DECISION THAT WAS MADE WITHIN THE WEEK. No prior notice for us to be able to pick up shifts and/or a second job. I would pay if we had the means but we can’t just grab a full-time job the same day and make $300 the same day. That’s very out of reach from reality I believe.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I’m willing to bet your bills and expenses would be a heck of a lot higher if you were in your own place. I’ve also seen some of your replies to other comments and you seem determined to drag your mum through the mud in any way you can.
I was ready for a soft YTJ before I saw that – it’s difficult becoming an adult, but if you think it’s expensive now – just wait, it gets 10x worse. You also didn’t mention things like electricity/water/property taxes, insurance, and all the other bills associated with owning or renting a house.
How your mother earns isn’t relevant information here – she’s supporting 2 adult children who are struggling with entitlement. I would (and have) insisted on rent just because of that. Your mother is preparing you for the real world – if you think you can do better elsewhere, then that’s grand – move out.” Feisty_Forager
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sorry, your mom wants your partner out of the house. And she has every right to enforce that. She is mildly out of line for not giving you more notice… you might possibly have some legal claim to being entitled to more notice. On the other hand, you might not, because eviction laws sometimes only apply to people who are paying rent.
Your partner doesn’t have a right to stay there. $300 is a very reasonable price for ‘a place to sleep.’ Try finding anything that cheap anywhere else.
The fact that your mom makes decent money in no way entitles you to her stuff/her house.
You could, I think, make an ethical argument that your mom should let YOU stay rent-free while you are working but unable to afford your own place.
I would do that for my kids. But you don’t get to move your partner in if you can’t afford rent. If you can’t afford a place together yet, sorry, you’re not ready to live together. You don’t need to live with your partner at 18. In fact, it’s usually a bad idea. You can both live separately until you are able to afford to move into your own place together.
People have done this since time immemorial.” wombatIsAngry
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Whatever the reason your mom let your minor SO move in and very generously didn’t charge him rent. You say he did some chores around the house but I guarantee you her expenses went up with a 17-year-old guy in the house.
More water, electricity, etc.
Not really buying you two have been living out of a mini-fridge and microwave alone and haven’t eaten any meals or washed any dishes or clothes there in a year.
Your mother seems fine with not charging her own children to live at home which is nice of her. She isn’t running a homeless shelter.
It’s not on her to house this guy who’s been going out with her teen daughter for free. Why does he deserve free housing for life? It was generous she didn’t charge when he was minor to give him time to get some savings and get his feet under him. Honestly, he should have offered to contribute toward the household expenses before now.
Not buying you things. That isn’t even close to the same. How you two handle your personal spending has nothing to do with your mother as she isn’t responsible for that anyway.
$300 is barely anything and I don’t think it even covers her electric bill but it is something. If you both are working FT and can’t swing $300 a month you really need to take a hard look at your spending.” ellieacd
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