People Seek Solutions To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Dilemmas
27. AITJ For Sending My Significant Other A Photo Of Me At The Hospital?
“I (20F) was recently admitted into a hospital for a night due to a serious but not life-threatening illness. I was completely out of it for several days with horrible pain before my roommate convinced me to get medical help. She took off work to stay with me in the hospital and I cannot express how much her support has helped as my own family lives too far away.
Now I’ve been going out with Sam (19M) for about nine months. He knew I was sick and so I texted him when I was first going into the hospital to update him. Since he was working he didn’t read the message until much later. I sent him around 6 texts updating him with what the nurses were saying and including a photo of me on IV giving a thumbs up.
It was my first time ever in the hospital and I just wanted to keep the crappy situation as light-hearted as possible.
He responded a few hours later with a thumbs up and that was all. I asked if everything was all right and he said ‘Yeah just you being in the hospital is giving me a lot of anxiety, I’d rather not see you looking like that.’ I told him that was okay and didn’t message him for the rest of the night, not thinking much of it.
The next afternoon his mom called me asking if I was okay. She had the impression that I sent him the hospital photo after he told me not to share any information and was disrespecting his request. She reminded me that his grandfather only died a year earlier and Sam had to spend a lot of time in and out of the hospital so the updates were making him grieve all over again.
I apologized to her and sent him a text saying that I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. He left me on read.
My roommate thinks I didn’t do anything wrong at all and he’s being too sensitive/immature for involving his mom. Personally, I think this is a bit unfair as he was really close with his grandfather and struggles with anxiety.
I feel really really guilty as I know how mental health can be and never want him to suffer. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and please leave your significant other (and his mother). He’s more concerned about his feelings than about how you are doing. He didn’t even ask how you were or hope you felt better or anything.
That’s wrong (I want to write something else very rude here).
You’re in a hospital bed for the first time ever, in pain, and you shouldn’t be the one worrying about him suffering! Rethink your priorities and what you want in a partner.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is the jerk on two counts, completely abandoning you when it is your first time in the hospital, and involving his mom.
Partners in a relationship should be able to lean on each other for support. You being hospitalized is a case where you should 100% be able to lean on your partner, his reaction comes across as really immature.” und3t3cted
26. AITJ For Being Angry At My Fiancée For Forcing My Daughter To Cut Her Hair For Our Wedding?
“My (39M) fiancee (35F) and I got engaged a few months ago. We are almost done with the wedding planning and everything is going great. However, my fiancee got involved in my daughter’s (14) preparation for the wedding and even paid for things my daughter needed. My daughter has long hair, and my fiancee had suggested she get it cut before the wedding even though my daughter isn’t taking any part in the wedding (her choice).
My fiancee brought magazines and visited sites to have my daughter look at and choose from different haircuts. My daughter made it obvious she has no plans on having her hair cut. I told my fiancee to leave it alone but she kept pushing it saying she wants to encourage my daughter to try new things.
I again told her that my daughter had begun feeling uncomfortable and she needed to leave it alone.
She dropped it but days later she brought it up again during breakfast. To be frank I started getting fed up, especially after she flat-out started begging my daughter to revisit one of the looks she suggested and cut her hair.
I told my daughter to go to her room then I blew up at my fiancee telling her to knock it off and stop pressuring my daughter into doing something she doesn’t want to do. She looked shocked and said that she is just trying to make sure that the focus will be on her and her bridesmaids and that my daughter was purposely trying to stand out, especially with the dress she picked and her continual refusal to get a new haircut.
She said both my daughter and I were overreacting since hair grows back but I firmly told her to drop it completely and stop bringing it up.
She started ranting about how I keep undermining her as a future stepmom and how I’m making her look like she is doing a bad thing then the argument got worse.
She went to stay with her mom for a couple of days. I sent her a few texts to talk about the issue but all she talked about was how unfair I was to yell at her and treat her like this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – don’t marry this woman. She is literally showing you she’s jealous of your daughter.
She’s positioned herself to pull a full-on DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) every time she pulls some abusive crap, and if you let that happen you’ll be just as big a jerk.
Her behavior here, and her obsession with your child’s physical appearance not ‘upstaging’ or taking attention away from her is already inappropriate.
But she’s already mistreating your kid over her unhealthy obsession. It’s only going to get worse.” CatteHerder
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and honestly reconsider marrying this woman if she already sees your daughter as competition for attention. Your fiancée is being incredibly inappropriate and her wanting to force a haircut on your daughter and then saying you are ‘undermining her as a future stepmother’ when you protect your daughter is a massive red flag. I would be off-put by her initial suggestion to get a haircut but continuing to double down and act like an immature brat when she doesn’t get her way? That’s a hard no from me.” Laughattack040
25. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Loud Partying Neighbors?
“I live in a nice apartment complex with very clear quiet hours between 11 pm and 7 am. I don’t care if you’re next door to me playing video games or talking, I really can’t hear you. Bass, however, travels and rattles my floors/ceiling. Used to live below a neighbor who had his bass set up on the floor and it was so loud I couldn’t sleep.
We moved and got to the top level, now the downstairs neighbor likes to throw loud bass-filled EDM parties.
Tonight it started at 2:30 am, whatever that’s fine I’m watching tv I don’t care. Now, it’s almost 4:15 am and I want to sleep which I feel is reasonable. In the past at the last apartment, I’d text the neighbor and tell him he was being too loud and he’d turn it down for maybe 15 minutes before cranking up again.
Complained to the apartment complex and they didn’t do anything except move my unit to the top floor.
Now this guy below me is fine enough I have his number but I’m also not his mom I don’t need to tell him blaring his subwoofers at 4 am is wrong, and I’ve contacted him in the past and his behavior hasn’t changed.
So I talked to the management and they said to call the police (on-site or dispatch) and document and report it that way. So I did. Time and time again. Every 4-6 am party kept me up all night because my floors were shaking.
This time it started at 2:45 around after bars let out so I’m fine I’m on TikTok it’s cool.
Another hour passes I’m exhausted and ready for bed, and it’s almost 4 hours after quiet hours. So I called the non-emergency line because whenever I’ve met with a loud neighbor they get mad and defensive and don’t change no matter how politely I ask them to please turn off the bass at least. Probably 7-10 cops have gone to their door to ask them to quiet down over 2 years and nothing has changed.
Here’s where I think I might be the jerk, the cop that showed up tonight brought a dog to sniff out substances. From what I heard (all parties were yelling and I was a bit nosy so I listened) illegal substances weren’t found as I didn’t hear the dog. But they got a noise fine. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They’ve had multiple loud 2 am-4 am parties at an apartment. They should learn by now that they should find a new location, change the time, or just keep it down. They must be so annoying, and I’m sorry you have to go through that every time.” mdevtheartist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They are having parties after closing time, in an apartment complex. You were told by management to call the cops.
It’s not your fault they brought the dog, and it’s not your fault if they would have found something. You just wanted to sleep at night.” User
24. AITJ For Leaving Dinner With My Partner's Family Without Paying The Bill?
“My partner, ‘Ella,’ and I have been together for almost 4 years now and we are expecting our first child later on this year (Ella is 5 months pregnant).
As much as I love Ella, I cannot stand her family, especially her mother. From the stories I’ve heard and from my own experiences with her, her mother seems to be an extremely disrespectful person.
Because of her attitude, Ella has significantly cut contact with most of her family. We also didn’t really tell them that we were pregnant, they found out through Ella’s cousin.
Upon hearing about Ella’s pregnancy, Ella’s mum has been pestering us about inviting us to dinner to ‘congratulate and celebrate our growing family.’ It’s a nice gesture, but I was hesitant to accept it because of the way that she (and the rest of Ella’s family) usually act.
After almost a month of ignoring the invitation, Ella convinced me to take her up on it. The dinner was held at this very expensive, very fancy, fine-dining restaurant.
At first, to my shock, the dinner was going well. Ella’s mum apologized for her past behavior and stated that she wanted to be a good grandmother moving forward.
Her sister also offered support in the form of babysitting, old baby clothes, etc. The conservation was friendly and I was very surprised to not hear anything insulting from Ella’s mum directed at Ella.
When Ella stepped out to use the washroom, Ella’s sister made a comment about her ‘supposed’ weight gain and offered me diet plans and an exercise regimen to ‘prevent her from getting too chunky.’ Her mum also pitched in about Ella”s ‘greedy eating habits’ (Just to be clear, my partner isn’t big – she’s very tall and lanky – and even if she was the biggest woman in the universe, their comments would still be unacceptable.) Ella’s mum and sister also asked me to not tell Ella about our conversation because she’s apparently ‘too sensitive.’
At this point, I wanted to leave.
Once Ella came back, I announced that I wanted to leave the dinner early. Her family was surprised and asked me why, and I responded that I didn’t see them ‘fit to see my child and I wouldn’t want to see them ever again.’ I was probably very impolite, but at the moment, I didn’t care.
Her mum was very upset, almost yelling in the restaurant about how I couldn’t leave without paying their bill (as I was the man of the table) and how I couldn’t make ‘husband demands’ as a ‘partner’. (I can’t forbid the grandmother from seeing her child because I’m not ‘true family’. ) Again, I didn’t care and I left with Ella.
I later found out that Ella’s mum’s card declined and they were forced to phone a friend to bring some money – very embarrassing. Ella thinks that I could have been less harsh because now her sister is spreading rumors about her to the family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So, wait: Ella’s family invited you to dinner, expected you to cover everyone’s tab, and had zero backup plan if you declined? Never mind the insulting Ella behind her back drama; that alone makes them the jerks.
Continue to ignore them, and focus on getting Ella on the same page with you about what role they’re going to be allowed to have in the kid’s life and how to draw boundaries, because it doesn’t sound like she fully realizes how messed up this all is yet.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re clearly advocating for your partner and your unborn child.
I would be sensitive to your partner and how you getting too worked up would upset her, but overall I think it’s great to finally see a man standing up for his partner.
Her family hasn’t changed at all, they’re just pretending because they want access to the cute little baby, who I can imagine being mistreated once the cuteness wears off or they get older and turn into their own person.” Imaginary-Jelly-3565
23. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For Some Guy's Car To Get Fixed With My College Fund?
“I (f22) and this guy (m27) ‘Paul’ have been going out on a few dates for 2 months (we met online). We really like each other but haven’t officially started being together yet, so I don’t call him my significant other and vice versa. We’re still getting to know each other and the things we love vs hate.
So for the past couple of weeks, he’s been sending me pics of his car that has been sitting in the mechanic’s (his cousin’s) shop for weeks. He went on and on about what needs fixing and made a long list and calculated the total then sent it to me as a screenshot. I looked at it wondering what it had to do with me.
He told me about his financial hardship at the moment and asked if I could help pay for his car to get it fixed quickly, so he’ll be able to take me on that road trip he promised.
I felt uncomfortable because the amount he was talking about was around 2.5k and I don’t have that kind of amount on my hand.
He brought up my college fund and suggested I skip one semester so I could pay for the car. I was shocked he brought that up, I don’t know, he knows how important college is for me but he assured me he’ll pay me back on time and that I only have to skip one semester and that’s it.
I asked for time to think about it but after he kept calling I decided to just give a polite ‘NO’. He asked why and I told him it was because my education is my priority and I can’t handle skipping a semester, even if it’s one. He hung up saying he needed time then texted me saying that I did not show support after he made himself open and vulnerable, that I chose money over him by refusing to lend it to him, and that he is struggling and in need, and that didn’t matter to me.
I felt really guilty and I started calling him but he texted me saying that he might respond when I make room for a compromise.
AITJ for refusing to pay?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: get away – someone you aren’t even officially in a relationship with yet wants you to give them $2500 and skip a semester of college to do it.
He either is grooming you for abuse or has zero sense of boundaries. Run, do not walk, away from this deadbeat.” BaltimoreBadger23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He is 100% using you for money and you will not get it back. Dump him and go to college. The fact that he has the audacity to say you aren’t supportive and won’t talk to you until you compromise is absolutely mind-boggling. Holy cow.” krik2019
22. AITJ For Telling My Partner I Am Embarrassed By Her?
“I (42m) am seeing this girl (29F) and most of the time things go well. However, there is something that has become an issue in our relationship. I am somewhat introverted, and I don’t really enjoy window shopping or just visiting the mall; when I need something I buy it online. My partner enjoys doing things at the mall, just walking the aisles of the grocery store, trying clothes at the store…
She takes her time.
She wants me to come with her to do those things that I already detest, she says that that’s what couples need to do, spend time together, and that I should be more supportive of her interests.
The truth is, every time I go out with her I feel embarrassed about something she does: she argues with a clerk, or curses out loud, there is always drama.
I come from a family in which these behaviors were not encouraged. She was raised in a more permissive environment, and I have seen her mother engage in the same behaviors.
Every time she asks me to go to the store with her I make up an excuse. Then, when I have to go I usually do it by myself, put some headphones on, and I am out in a few minutes.
A couple of days ago I went with her to a department store, and she started cursing really loud because there were no people at the register. I could not stand it and I told her I’ll meet her at the car. Later she asked me what was that about, I couldn’t hold it anymore and I told her.
I tried to be as tactful as possible, telling her that I am not used to that kind of behavior, that it’s embarrassing for me to be put in that position. She started crying, telling me that I thought I was better than her. She got mad and didn’t talk to me for days.
Kind strangers, I appreciate your feedback.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I would absolutely hate to be with someone that treated anybody like that let alone someone providing them a service. She’s more than old enough to know how to treat people, this is just her personality and when you pointed it out she manipulated the conversation to you being better than her.” Legitimate_Effect_27
Another User Comments:
“Her crying sounds a lot like emotional manipulation to me. She wasn’t crying cuz she felt bad for you/the ppl she yelled at, she was crying bc she felt bad about being told that her behavior WAS embarrassing.
NTJ, she’s an adult, she can behave herself.” Daaylight
21. AITJ For Buying A Mini Fridge?
“I (20F) am currently living with three other girls (20 and 21) in a college dorm suite. We have a shared full kitchen and living room, and our own rooms and two bathrooms. I have Celiac disease which is an autoimmune disorder that means I can’t eat gluten (anything with wheat, barley, spelled, rye, or most oats.) If I do, my immune system attacks my small intestine and that can lead to pretty serious health consequences and discomfort.
All of my roommates knew before we decided to live together about me having celiac and they were all fine with it. One girl (AN, 21) said she was actually going gluten-free so it would be perfect. About halfway through last semester, she decided she didn’t want to stay gluten-free and started buying bread and bagels, and other things.
This is totally fine because I just don’t eat them, but I have some personal things I buy like peanut butter and jelly and butter. I have an agreement with my roommates that it’s fine if they use those things as long as they only use them on gluten-free stuff bc if someone gets crumbs into them, I’ll get sick.
AN never had to think about that because she WAS gluten-free but after she stopped the diet, she kept using my jams and peanut butter. I was getting sick all the time and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I started talking to the school because I figured I was getting poisoned at the dining halls and campus dining got concerned because they couldn’t figure out the problem.
It all came to a head when I saw AN walking to her room with peanut butter on one of her bagels. I asked her if she’d bought her own peanut butter and she was confused and said, ‘No but I thought you said it was fine if I used yours.’ And I reminded her that I have celiac and that because she was no longer only eating gluten-free, it was a serious safety concern if she puts my stuff on foods with gluten.
She kinda got mad at me but promised she wouldn’t do it again. I left all the contaminated jars for her and the roommates and bought some new jams with fun flavors and labeled them. I was still getting sick and then I noticed some crumbs in my new jars. I tried to talk to AN about it and she claimed that I was accusing her with no proof and being cruel.
I ended up buying a mini fridge to keep in my room so I can make sure my food is always safe, but now AN is telling everyone that I’ve made her feel bad and like I don’t trust her and it’s impacting her mental health negatively.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She should feel bad. She knew your situation.
She made you sick and she apparently continued to do it? Then had the audacity to call you cruel and talk behind your back? Buying the fridge isn’t you being petty, mean, or whatever it’s about your health and safety. If she won’t fork over the 3$ for her own jar of whatever she uses then she can suffer this consequence.” hereforbaloney
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is a serious concern. Clearly your food is being contaminated, it doesn’t matter who is doing it. It’s making you ill. Storing your food separately from your roommate’s food is just sensible in this case. You can’t put your physical health at risk for the sake of someone’s feelings. AN needs to get over herself and stop guilting you and gossiping about you for simply trying to avoid getting sick.” joanclaytonesq
20. AITJ For Having An Outburst At A Guy Who Made A False Accusation Of Me?
“I’m an artist. Mark from our friend group (we’re not close) asked me to make a visual aid for a presentation of his, he gave me pointers and a deadline. I delivered the content on time and sent it to him by email 2 days before the presentation.
3 days pass, and Mark sends me angry texts claiming I didn’t send the content.
I tell him that it’s in his mailbox and was delivered on time, and he just goes ‘No it was not’. I send a screenshot of the email, marked sent before his presentation. ‘You Photoshopped that.’ I tell him he can check his email, but he doesn’t even acknowledge it, instead saying ‘Next time don’t promise if you can’t deliver’.
I feel really annoyed.
A week passes, the friend group gathers and I see Mark in person for the first time since the incident, so I try to clarify the situation. He acts standoffish and maintains that I did not send the content in time in front of our friends. I pull out my phone with the email evidence, and Mark just straight up ‘looks away’ to not look at the phone screen and he instantly goes ‘Ugh whatever, I don’t want to talk about it anymore’.
The evidence he is wrong is right there, and he shuts down all talking about it to not acknowledge it, he refuses to just say ‘I was wrong’. I raised my voice and said something about how even babies have object permanence, that evidence exists even if he doesn’t look in its general direction, and I started getting worked up and called Mark an idiot.
Our friends only saw the tail end of the exchange and got mad at me for ‘causing conflict’. My point is that Mark making a false accusation and refusing to consider evidence of the contrary is what started the conflict, and his refusal to talk it through peacefully is what escalated it, not my eventual outburst after he acted like crap.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’ve now learned that some people can never take responsibility for their own failings. This is why clear contracts are always the move.
You did your part. He’s a jerk.
Your friendship is over.
NTJ but in the future don’t bother trying to prove to people more than once.” Lurker_the_Pip
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he was so concerned about ‘not receiving it’, why did he wait till after the deadline to say he didn’t receive it? A friendly email to ask if it was ready prior to the deadline would have cleared everything up. You sent it, not much more you can do than that. INFO: was he meant to pay you for it? Because if he was, maybe this was his way of paying what’s due by denying he ever received it.” Carliebeans
19. AITJ For Telling My Little Brother He's Not Allowed In My Home Anymore?
“I (F26) have a little brother (15, adopted) who has some behavioral issues that most likely stem – at least to some extent – from his biological mother’s substance use during pregnancy. As he has gotten older, some of his issues have gotten worse, and he knows how to push my buttons and how to exploit my weaknesses when he is upset or mad.
I have osteoarthritis and have had 4 knee surgeries, so my legs become a ‘target’ if he loses control. He has stolen funds from every member of my family and tries to steal our mom’s phone on a regular basis. He has tried to break my laptop when I didn’t let him use it to play Fortnite, and he is obsessed with gaming.
My husband (24) does not like my brother based solely on the fact that my brother has been horrible to me each time we go to visit my family, and we mutually agreed to ban my brother from our apartment. My husband has several game consoles and a decent game collection, both of us have laptops we primarily use for school, and both of us have smartphones.
We worry that my brother would immediately try to sneak something out of our home (our Switch, for example), or he would decide to simply break things – ‘If I can’t have it, neither can you.’ He is also not good with animals, and I worry he would try to mess with my ESA, a small cockatiel that I am very attached to.
Our mom has told me that our dogs at home do not like my brother and avoid him, so this is fear-based in fact.
My mom and both of my sisters have visited us a few times, but since my brother was always in school during those visits (which lasted 2 days at maximum), he was supervised by a neighbor (who is like a mentor to my brother).
Now that schools are starting break, my mom is coming to visit again, and my brother asked to come. I immediately told my mom no, and she agreed with my reasoning and told him he couldn’t come. I recently learned that my brother does not like being by himself at home at night, which I understand, but to be honest, I don’t really care.
He stresses me out very badly every time I visit home, and he was so awful to my husband the last time we went that he had a panic attack.
I know that he is not always in control of his reactions, but my brother is so hard to deal with. AITJ for telling him he’s not allowed in my home, ever?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re an adult.
Family or not, you have 100% say on who can or can not enter your home. It sounds like you have more than enough reason not to trust him. He’s your brother, not your son. Not your responsibility.” Chaos-n-Dissonance
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Protect yourselves and your property. Whether he needs to straighten up or Mom needs to get him better treatment, you don’t have to sacrifice yourself or your home for him before that happens.” JuliaX1984
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Lend My SIL A Book?
“I have a pretty decent book collection. Where some people rewatch movies/tv series, I read.
Since I was 13, I have let people borrow books and this has mostly resulted in the books coming back with water damage, dog-eared, chewed up by pets, or even pages missing, and it’s never by just one person.
I’m 27 now and stopped lending books when I was 23 after I lent several books to 5 different people and got none of them back.
My MIL hates her book club’s books so I give her recommendations and let her borrow mine. She is one of four people I will lend books to because she knows how I feel and always gives them back, intact after 2-4 weeks.
On Mother’s Day, we were talking about a book we both read and SIL asked if could she borrow it.
MIL actually got her copy on Kindle and offered SIL the login info.
She said she likes a physical book and asked if she could borrow my copy.
I told her that I’m weird about lending books because hounding someone to get them back puts me in an uncomfortable position. FIL then says ‘And (SIL) you have three books of mine you borrowed when the global crisis started.
Can you bring those back before asking for another?’ He was irritated because he hadn’t gotten the chance to read them and it’s been two years.
She said, ‘Sure, I’ll bring them back next weekend.’ He asked how she liked them and she goes ‘Oh I couldn’t get into them, so I only made it like a quarter way’.
She asked me again last night to borrow the book and I just told her no and that it’s actually free on Kindle right now. I’ll give her my login. She said she likes a physical book and I told her it was less than $20 on Amazon.
My partner agrees with me and says I’m not obligated to share my stuff if I don’t want to.
Meanwhile, my mom thinks it’s just a book.
Am I being a jerk for not letting her borrow a book even though the idea now gives me anxiety?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are under no obligation to give people your stuff, and it wouldn’t make you a jerk no matter what kind of stuff is at play.
You could have been a jerk about how you phrased your boundary but in my opinion, it sounds ok.
And moreover, after making clear your reasoning to your SIL, and FIL pointing out that SIL is not necessarily good with books, I find her asking you a second time to be kind of intrusive.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Aside from it being rude to damage or fail to return borrowed possessions, the library is a thing that exists.
It’s also free, and most branch systems are doing away with late fines, which is great for her considering she never returns things (still don’t do it though, it sucks for other people who want to borrow a book).
If it’s free on Kindle and <$20 on Amazon, I’m guessing it isn’t a new release so there probably wouldn’t even be a waitlist.” nkh86
17. AITJ For Wanting My Kids To Spend Thanksgiving With Me And My Partner?
“My ex and I alternate every Thanksgiving. This year it is my holiday. My partner and I had planned to have Thanksgiving with his family and friends this year and they are coming to our house. I would like my sons (14 and 7) to spend the holiday with them and their little sister.
However, my ex’s sister and brother have kids (their cousins) that they are close to.
The kids are bugging me to let them go over to their house after they spend some time with me so they can go to their Thanksgiving because ‘my partner’s family is boring and weird’? Which I find incredibly disrespectful. My partner has been in their lives for 2 years now and we just moved in with him this year.
My teen, in particular, has been refusing to bond with my partner, telling me he ‘looks like Jeffrey Dahmer’ and ‘his family is weird and a bunch of rednecks’. My 7-year-old told me that my partner’s friends are also weird and asked him weird questions like ‘Why does he have both a tablet and a Nintendo Switch’.
My 7-year-old is fine with my partner though and my partner is involved with the kids and watches them and takes them to school for me when I work. I am mostly upset with my teen as he is being unfair to my partner who has been trying hard to talk to him. Meanwhile, they love my ex’s partner so it’s obviously not an issue of not liking significant others of their parents.
Anyway, Thanksgiving is a time for family in my mind, and they spent last year’s Thanksgiving with their dad’s family and cousins. I told them no, they cannot go and they are to spend the entire day with me and my partner. Now my older son is throwing a fit and saying he is just going to go to his room and not come out.
My younger son is fine.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – 1) you are setting a precedent. Someday you may have a very good reason to want the kids when it isn’t your turn. Forget it. Secondly, prioritizing your partner’s family versus their actual cousins. And if nobody else tells you, I will – trying to force your teen to have a relationship with your partner will not work.
The more you push, the more they will withdraw from it.
The most you can demand is civility and respect – to the degree that it is also given to them. Punishing him or calling him disrespectful for telling you how he feels about your partner’s family is also a no-no. He feels how he feels. So, now all you’ve done is tell him not to be honest with you.
So, you will be greatly surprised when the whole thing blows up in your face and you had no clue.” chuckinhoutex
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, co-parenting is difficult no doubt, but leading with what’s best for the child is always best. Think of it as your kids getting to see double the amount of family on the holiday, that’s a win for them. Don’t be selfish and only think of your win.” GlitterSmash
16. AITJ For Saying My Son Doesn't Need Therapy?
“I (55m) was born into a poor family. My parents were abusive and neglectful and eventually, I was taken into the foster system. Like most, I acted out and was met with a lot of abuse and because of that I was passed around from foster home to foster home and as I got older I was sent to teen treatment centers.
Some were better than others but at 14 I ended up getting sent to Elan, which was, and I’m not exaggerating here, a nightmare. I stayed there till I was 18 and I moved from the US a few years later.
Because of what I faced as a kid when I eventually settled down and had kids I’ve always made a point not to discuss this with my son (15m).
This was a decision my wife (50f) and I agreed to do. Obviously, my son had questions about my life and my family and as he grew older me dodging the questions didn’t cut it. For understandable reasons this ended up driving a wedge in our relationship and after a very difficult period of him acting out because of it as well as other things my wife and I decided to share basic information with him about it, nothing graphic just very basic.
He seemed okay with that answer till a few weeks ago when he started asking for more information about it. With him being 15 I thought that he was old enough to know a little more, especially since he seemed so frustrated with me hiding this from him, so we had an adult conversation about it.
I didn’t tell him anything graphic just a bit more of an overview and, even though I didn’t intend to, I slipped up and mentioned Elan.
As you can expect he Googled it and came back with all these questions and information about it. My wife freaked out and chewed me out for telling him and has since never given me a break about it.
She thinks that he’s too young to deal with this information about me and thinks that I’ve permanently caused him harm, she even wants me to send him to a therapist. I’m not against it, I just don’t think that he needs it as from the way he’s been acting and talking about it it doesn’t seem to me that he’s traumatized or needs a therapist.
He only seems more frustrated that I won’t talk to him about it any further than I have.
The thing is my wife won’t give up about this and has been making out that I’m awful for sharing this with him and is very adamant about him going to a therapist. While I don’t think that this is necessary I am beginning to see her point, seeing that while 15 maybe seem old enough to me for my own experiences, I didn’t have a normal childhood and maybe it was too much.
So AITJ here or is my wife overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But your kid needs a therapist because you DIDN’T tell him this for 15 years.
Sorry, but dodging questions about your background for his whole life was the wrong thing to do. I can’t think of a single reason it was necessary. There are age-appropriate ways to talk to a child about being in the foster system.
The poor kid must feel like he’s meeting his dad for the first time.” I-love-CERN
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is overreacting – if you actually talk with a qualified therapist, this is not a situation that is likely to cause him lasting trauma. Typically speaking, it takes a lot more than this, when it is not something he directly was involved in or witnessed. Simply hearing about it should cause him to feel empathy for you, but nothing requiring intervention.” Somethingisshadysir
15. AITJ For Not Paying Off My Mom's Credit Card Bill?
“I (18f) and my mom (37f) have always been poor. As far back as I can remember Mom was always in debt, either to the bank or to family friends that she ended up losing because of it. I recently turned 18 and started doing ‘online work’, I am trying to save up as much as I can so that I can buy a car and a studio apartment.
She either figured out that I have money from me buying new clothes or looking through a bank statement that I threw in the trash, one or the other. Anyway, about a month ago she started asking me to pay her credit card bill (some $6000 and change) promising that she’ll pay me back in installments from her paycheck, she cuts hair and doesn’t have a lot to begin with not to mention that she always had trouble budgeting and relied on her partners a lot.
What worries me though is that she implied it’s my duty to pay it since she ‘used a lot of that money on me anyways’ and because of putting it that way, I am doubting her intentions to give me anything back.
I don’t like it, this is the first time in my life I wasn’t dirt poor and it somehow seems like she is trying to take advantage of me.
Then again she did her very best raising me as a single mom after dad (46m) walked out on us and went no contact. She is poor, without any opportunities to look forward to in her life and her only chance to live even a moderately comfortable life is shackling herself to some man. It’s sad and I think she deserves a break I just don’t think I am in a position to be the one providing it.
If I were to pay off her credit card I would blow through 70% of my savings and I honestly can’t spare it right now. Am I selfish, am I the jerk? Am I leaving my mom in the lurch?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Blowing 70% of your savings means you can’t afford to pay off her bill either.
If you would like to support your mother, there are other, more sustainable ways of doing so e.g. monthly payments for groceries/rent, especially if you’re still living with her as an adult. But you shouldn’t feel any obligation to pay off her credit card bill. Paying for your child is a parent’s job, it doesn’t require compensation.” Reasonable-Bear-1374
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If she bought things for you, that was her choice. If the charges happened before you were 18, it was her duty as a parent to provide you with things.
If you pay it off, she will ask again. And she may be tempted to charge unnecessary things because she thinks you will just help pay for them.
You are not responsible for her financial decisions. If you want to help her in some way, you can, but you are not obligated to. Her being family is no excuse.” TinyRascalSaurus
14. AITJ For Making My Mom Choose Between My Dream College And Her Trip To London?
“My family is not ‘comfortable’, or ‘fortunate’. We are wealthy. I despise my peers who refuse to get over the fact they could even possibly be rich, but that is a subject for another day. Granted, I still have to work for a lot of the things I earn, and I don’t have the latest tech and designer purses but I know that both my parents work highly respectable jobs and are able to afford our house, which is $1.1 million dollars.
Earlier this past week, my school posted information for a trip hosted by our science department to go to a foreign country to research frogs and participate in community service and other fun activities. This would occur during our February break which I have nothing planned for anyways.
Now the main problem is, of course, the price.
It’s certainly not cheap: $3,700 for 8 days. So when I brought up the price to both my parents, they considered it equally abhorrent as paying to volunteer at a community service center.
But what differentiates this trip from a local project is the international aspect. I am currently in a certificate program that requires ‘travel experience’ to prove you are a global citizen.
My main goal for this certificate program was to greater my chances of getting into my dream college. I’m a junior in high school so thinking about college isn’t entirely uncommon.
My dream school has a large study abroad and international community so proving my interest in the school’s core values will hopefully allow me more accessibility to this school.
It is not an easy school to get into in any regard. It is certainly not an ivy league (though Brown would be my top choice if I wished to slave away at a perfect GPA), but is still highly competitive.
When I told my dad this plan, he told me the only way I could go on such an expensive trip was to tell my mother it was either my trip or hers to London.
In August, we had originally planned to go as a family to Paris and London in two weeks but an emergency arose and only my mother and I could go to Paris for a few days. Now my mother is set on going to London in December. My father is not the biggest fan of this vacation idea but understands he has no say in my mother’s ambitions.
So it was no surprise that when I proposed to my mother the two options, she chose London. Afterward, I made a somewhat abrasive comment about how I’ll ‘remember this when it comes to the college application process’ as she knows what my dream college is and how this trip would benefit my application. I don’t particularly regret the comment because I don’t think she understands how impactful this trip would be to my education as well as my future.
So, am I the jerk for telling my mom it’s either my future or her trip to London?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. ‘Community service’ international trips where teens do the work are nonsense. It would be better for the community for a trained team already there to accept the money from you, hire local workers, and build the economy and workforce.
There isn’t research that kids like you can do, that they can’t hire locals to do, better. Again, better for the local economy.
Colleges know better than to accept kids based on the expensive trips their parents pay for. This isn’t likely to affect your college acceptances at all. Work harder for a better GPA, and volunteer at a local soup kitchen.” Neenknits
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
This one trip is not going to make or break your future and it’s silly to claim it is. It’s an obvious attempt to guilt trip your parents into giving you an extremely expensive thing you want.
Also, it’s not your money. You’re an awfully choosey beggar. If it’s that important to you ask if you can borrow the funds and set out a plan to repay it in a reasonable time frame.” WTF_Happened_o__0
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Tell A Guest That She Ate Meat?
“My diet already consists 80% of vegetables/rice/legumes and I eat meat/eggs/fish 3-4 times a week (basically I just follow a normal Mediterranean diet). I have no problems accommodating vegans.
Also, I know veganism is something people are very divided about, and on the internet, it often becomes just vegans vs meat eaters, but in our friend group this is not an issue at all, so please think as this more like ‘I went against someone’s belief’ instead of ‘I agree with vegans or not’.
Onto the issue:
My friends (we are all 24 years old) came to my house to have dinner, something we did regularly before 2020, and now are starting again. I made a barley salad, vegetable ‘meatballs’ (sorry don’t know the name) and fruit ice cream as dessert.
I boiled the barley with some broth (I used cubes homemade by my mom).
Now, in the last few years I requested only vegetable cubes (we live far apart and they last longer), but last time she made too many meat cubes so she gave me also some of those. This was some months ago and both cubes look exactly identical. Now, I’m sure you see where this is going.
So, I cook, we eat, all is fine and we go to bed. Some days later I’m on the phone with my mom and a doubt pops up in my head… I go check the freezer and ask my mom what was written on the meat cubes package (she writes the date of expiring and not the name), and, obviously, I used those to boil the barley.
But I think, at this point, it’s been a week and I don’t feel like telling my friend, I know she would be very upset (rightfully so) but I sincerely forgot, the meat she ate was really less than 1 gram and at this point, I don’t think there’s any remedy.
So AITJ for not wanting to tell her?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You didn’t do it on purpose and there’s nothing either of you can do about it at this point. You’d just make her upset needlessly.
It’s been a week, if the meat broth had caused her stomach problems (which it can when you haven’t had meat in a while) you would know already. So there was no harm done, just an honest mistake.” Julie1412
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Honest mistake, and sounds like telling would be worse than letting your friend live in blissful ignorance. I’m usually all for honesty, but a white lie won’t hurt anyone, and it’s been over a week now, time to let it go. Unless you can’t, and then confess and be apologetic and deal with the consequences to clear your conscience. But I think you’re good, and the fact that you’re this worried proves you are a good friend!” Tinymoonflower
12. AITJ For Inviting My Ex-Wife To A Family Vacation With My New Family And In-Laws?
“My wife and I are going on a family vacation with her son, her parents, and her siblings to the Greek islands. It’s a place my wife and I talked about visiting on our very first date and have saved up lots of money to go. My ex-wife and I are still very close, we had 3 kids together but sadly all 3 passed away.
I still consider her my family and I’ve known her almost my whole life so after our divorce, there were no hard feelings. She is also like an aunt to my stepson and is also very good friends with my current wife and me.
My stepson asked me if we could bring my ex-wife on our family vacation with us since she’s family.
I thought about it for a while and I decided why not ask her. She and her partner had recently broken up and she’s been pretty beaten down the last few weeks so I thought a little vacation for her would help her out a lot and get some things off her mind and relax for a bit.
I asked my wife and she said happy to have her come along. I asked my ex-wife if she would like to join us and she was hesitant at first because she didn’t want to intrude but she eventually agreed and was more than excited to come along. She offered to buy her own plane ticket and hotel room but my wife and I insisted that we would take care of it for her, she was incredibly grateful and started packing.
My wife’s mother had come over to our house and saw I had one extra plane ticket on the counter than what we were supposed to have and I told her that my ex-wife was coming. She blew up in my face and told me I’m making everyone very uncomfortable by inviting her and that nobody even knows her.
Also accused me of planning to have an affair by inviting her on this trip. She called me a jerk for bringing my ex-wife on a family trip. She also said that she’s no longer my family since we’re divorced and have no kids together. I yelled a whole bunch of stuff in her face that I don’t even remember.
She stormed out of my house and now everyone is calling to say they don’t want to go on the trip anymore and now my wife is very upset.
I was just trying to do something nice for someone who was struggling at the moment, I didn’t think inviting one person would cause everyone to pull out.
They are literally going on a free vacation and the plane is refundable.
I’m starting to feel like a jerk because now my wife is very upset that her family isn’t going and we’ve spent all this money on this trip. And to make things worse my ex-wife texts me saying she’s all packed for tomorrow and how excited and grateful she is that we invited her.
So AITJ?
Also wanted to mention, that I’m a female. I don’t think I mentioned that and I just didn’t want people to think I was a man.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you had good intentions BUT… if you’re going to invite someone on a vacation you planned with a bunch of people – it’s probably best to check with everyone beforehand.
That includes your in-laws. MIL is being unreasonable and insulting, still she should have been consulted beforehand, maybe the whole thing wouldn’t have blown up like that then.” SaikaTheCasual
Another User Comments:
“The only people that should be concerned about this is your immediate family, and if the person that would probably be the most uncomfortable with it (i.e.
your wife) is fine with your ex coming, that is all that matters. Your children are also fine with this too.
Your wife’s mother has absolutely no say regarding who you can invite and not invite. Your immediate family is okay with this and she is completely out of line for acting the way she did.
NTJ.” protogenic_
11. AITJ For Not Inviting A "Friend" Who Unfriended Me On Social Media?
“I am getting married later this year. I have invited my friend group but when I went to look up Tina’s information, I noticed several texts I had sent her (Happy Birthday, Happy New Year, Hey how’s work? etc.) had gone unanswered. I pulled up social media and saw that she had removed me as a friend.
She was still friends with everyone else in our group but took me off.
Granted we haven’t had a big group hangout in almost two years, but we’ve been in quite a few group chats and Zoom meetups and the group has hung out in smaller numbers. I haven’t seen her in person in two years and wanted to invite her, but when I saw she removed me, I felt personally insulted wondering what I had done.
So, given that each person cost me money, I cut Tina from the list.
Everyone is booking rooms right now and Tina texted me to ask if we were okay because she hadn’t gotten an invite to my wedding. I replied that as she hadn’t acknowledged any of my texts in over a year and removed me as an internet friend without explanation, I took that to mean she didn’t want to be friends anymore and responded appropriately.
She told me that she cleans out her social media as part of a ‘cleanse’ to only keep people on there who she sees every day, that’s what everyone does, she planned to add me back when we all started hanging out and it was nothing personal.
Personally, I think this is nonsense because I have people on there from college I haven’t seen in ten years who live across the country and I love seeing pictures of their kids and everything they’ve got going for them, and she didn’t remove anyone else, just me.
I asked her to explain why I was the only one removed from the group and why she hadn’t bothered to text me at all. She said that she didn’t remember taking me off, I was taking social media way too seriously, and she couldn’t find me to add me back (I blocked her when she removed me).
She said that she was bad with returning texts and she had been depressed (she was very active in group chats).
I replied back that her online actions had real-world consequences and she had hurt me. Rather than apologize she said I was being dramatic, I was confusing social media for real life, and needed to get over myself.
My fiancé agrees with me that Tina just wants to be a part of the party now. My friend group is torn with some saying I should accept Tina’s olive branch and others saying she probably just doesn’t want to be the only one left out. I could still invite her, but I’m still very hurt by her actions.
I know if I don’t invite her this will definitely be the end of good relations between us and will cause issues in our shared group.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your wedding, your choice. If you don’t keep up with people and you remove them from your friendship circle you probably shouldn’t expect to be invited to something as personal and expensive as a wedding.
‘She told me that she cleans out her social media as part of a ‘cleanse’ to only keep people on there who she sees every day, that’s what everyone does, she planned to add me back when we all started hanging out and it was nothing personal.’
If you are a distant enough friend to be cleansed and have your communications ignored then she is a distant enough friend not to expect an invite.
It is not like social media limits the number of friends you can have. There is no way the only people on her social media are people she sees EVERY DAY…” Whitestaunton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s not what everyone does with their social media account – just how SHE handles her social media account. If she wanted to remain friends with you, she should have reached out before simply removing you and not saying anything.
Not everyone sees/talks to everyone they know all the time. I’ve got folks on my social media that I talk to twice a year and haven’t seen in much longer (because they aren’t local).
That being said – People DO put too much weight into social media, but if that’s the only means of communication you have, and she’s not responding to you, then I’m not sure what else she expects.” PrincessBuzzkill
10. AITJ For Being Distant With My Partner's Friend's Baby?
“My partner and I are 32, and 90% of his friends are single. One of his college friends and his wife had a baby in November. Let’s call the couple Vince and Laura.
Last month, they invited us (alongside the other 3-4 friends) to have dinner at their house and meet the baby on the same occasion.
To be noted I was the only other girl at the dinner.
I didn’t want to go, but I forced myself to for my partner.
(We actually got into a fight about this. He said I needed to be there as it was his first friend that had a baby. In my opinion, this was no reason FOR ME to go, he could have gone alone.
After much insistence and discussions, I gave up.)
So, I went, but I didn’t want to see the baby. When we arrived, I made clear I didn’t want to see her, and that baby talk would most likely have to be done with another one of the boys, as I’m completely uninterested. The point was just to not ask anything active from me; should the global conversation engage around it, so be it, but I just didn’t want to be asked to participate in a 1 to 1 discussion on the subject.
And obviously, nothing went like that.
Laura tried to show me the baby – nope, refused.
She tried to speak to me about her pregnancy and how she gave birth, her episiotomy, and stuff – still answered monosyllabically and zoned out.
Laura knew beforehand I didn’t want any of this – but still noted how I was being especially cold towards her daughter and anything surrounding the pregnancy.
I just answered ‘I know’, and moved on.
My partner mentioned it was awkward, but knew about my aversion and apologized for insisting I’d go. And we just went on with our lives.
However, now Laura has been sending me pictures of her baby to (I quote) ‘get me warmed up to her’. I opened one picture, then completely ignored her next message.
Laura is now complaining to her husband that I don’t make any effort to get to know her daughter, that my ignoring her messages is utterly rude, and that she doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me for not wanting to talk about her pregnancy and the evolution of the baby.
My partner is in a tough spot and doesn’t really know how to act, so he’s asked me to make a bit of an effort, but he does understand I warned everyone beforehand.
So, AITJ for still remaining distant?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not wrong for not being interested in children but YTJ for going to the event and then being so rude. If your partner insisted, it’s still not a reason for you to have taken it out on Laura.
Again, being indifferent about Laura is fine but being outwardly rude and cold to her is unkind.
You don’t have to be polite to her, but if you choose to behave in a rude way, then you have to be willing to bear the consequences of that. Lots of people in life are going to come to you with things you don’t care about, and shutting them down in a socially abrasive way tends to have fallout – this is just that.
Laura is wrong for pushing your boundaries, though. If you’ve told her not to send you pictures and she persists, then she is also being rude.” Captain_Quoll
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for even turning up. You are putting a massive downer on the whole event set up to celebrate their new baby, completely rejecting the mother’s efforts to celebrate with you and enjoy the new birth with a woman she thought would also be more interested.
You have an awful attitude in regards to this poor woman and are raining on her parade, then acting entitled to your partner supporting you being rude to his friends. Just don’t hang out with them again and let your partner go without you if you’re going to ruin the mood that much. Just to reiterate; YTJ!” User
9. AITJ For Wearing A Similar Color Dress To The Bride?
“I (19F) went to my brother’s (cousin) engagement party (arranged marriage) a few weeks back. I was wearing a light color lehnga (Traditional dress). I thought my SIL (to be) would be wearing something in a dark shade lehnga or saree because it’s very common in Desi weddings.
However, my SIL wore a gown, which unfortunately was very dull but the same color as mine.
I chose that certain shade because it was light and people here don’t wear light shades for their own wedding.
It is an arranged marriage so it was the first time I met her, even if I wanted to ask what she’s gonna wear it would have been impossible for me. The bride and her family (including her sister and friends) gave me disappointed looks the whole time.
The bride seemed very mad and the people around us started talking and saying things like I looked better than her and my dress was better than hers. That made me very sad because it was her day and I never wanted to ruin it. It was impossible for me to go back and change because it was the only lehnga I had and I lived 120+ km away from the destination.
I kept a very low profile at the engagement party. They called me plenty of times on the stage, I took a few pictures and then went away from the stage (they usually want the sister to stay on the stage the whole time) but Bride’s sister and friends gave me looks and were very angry.
Bride’s sister was staring at me which made me uncomfortable.
This unfortunately became a very hot topic for both families. Every time we all meet, they bring up the same topic of how I was looking better than her and she should have chosen a better color because it was her engagement. I don’t blame her and I don’t think it’s my fault but Bride’s family is making me feel like a jerk.
A few days after the engagement party the bride’s mom called my brother’s mom (aunt) and straight away told her to uninvite us from the wedding which is next month and I’d already bought a dress (again a very light color) because the bride was mad and didn’t like what happened at the engagement party. My aunt told them she ain’t gonna uninvite us just because the bride is angry for a mere coincidence and we are close family.
I was very excited to attend my cousin’s wedding because it’s the last one in our family. Am I the jerk for wearing a better shade of the same color as the bride?”
Another User Comments:
“Hi there! Also desi here, and regular lehenga wearer. This is absolutely not your fault and you are NTJ. I think the bride’s family are behaving terribly but that’s not news as it’s a wedding.
I think this is going to keep happening as more and more brides adopt Western-style colors and designs. You have not told us the exact color, but the general rule of thumb is to avoid white, cream, champagne, pink, purple, or red at a wedding/mehendi party.” NCforrealthistime
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. The sucker about arranged marriage is, no one knows who the bride/groom is, not even the person marrying and the oh-so-divine relatives would of course make rude comments and side glances because they thrive off drama. You didn’t know the bride or her choice, but I kinda get why she would be upset too. It’s a sad situation but I guess it’s up to you whether you wanna go or not.” Themobgirl
8. AITJ For Not Going To My In-Laws' For Memorial Day?
“My in-laws have a memorial day tradition of getting crabs and having family and all my husband’s two sisters’ friends. I don’t really like my SILs’ friends so it’s not something I look forward to. My MIL asked me to bring some sides, so I’m bringing two things.
So today I get a call from my MIL kind of harassing me about my kids.
I have an autistic 4-year-old and a two-year-old. My MIL goes on to tell me the kids must be supervised the entire time and she doesn’t want them getting in the way of the party and that no one there will be able to help us because they will be busy.
Here is the issue: my in-laws’ house is a typical old person’s house, not baby-proof, with lots of fragile things, stairs, etc.
Obviously, I don’t expect them to change their house or babysit my kids, but it’s really hard and exhausting going over there. My kids are at an impossible age and then my son being autistic doesn’t help because he gets overstimulated and acts out. I just felt like after talking to my MIL what’s the point of coming if my kids are just going to be ‘in the way.’
Anyways I was talking to my sister about it and she told me to just come over to her house instead.
She has two kids as well and toys and activities for kids and is willing to help us so we can for example eat. I decided then I would really rather go to my sister’s and my husband didn’t care either way.
So I called my MIL to let her know that we would be going to my sister’s, but I would still drop off the sides since I already agreed to bring them.
My MIL got really upset with me. She said I was being selfish and that everyone wants to see the kids and will all be disappointed we didn’t come. (My SILs’ friends haven’t met the kids, but everyone else has). Anyways I leave it to you all now. AITJ if I go to my sister’s?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m mad for you. Sounds like her inviting you and the kids was not about spending time together with her grandkids, it’s strictly about ‘showing off’ and playing up some grandma-grandkid relationship for her audience. That’s made clear with her phone call trying to manipulate and guilt you for deciding not to come.
Thank goodness for your sweet sister.
Go enjoy the day with your family and don’t let this spoil your time at your sister’s.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can compromise by meeting and greeting as you drop off the promised sides and then leaving to be with your sister. MIL is being a jerk because she doesn’t want any help for you but wants you to attend. Also, this would allow you to not have to spend a lot of time with your SILs’ jerk friends.” Appropriate_Self_113
7. WIBTJ For Going On A Trip During My MIL's Visit?
“My wife’s parents live far away from us. We used to only see them 2-3 times a year. Because of the health situation the past couple of years, we haven’t seen them since Xmas 2019. My wife has been planning with MIL to have them come visit. I was told it was going to be 1-2 weeks.
Turns out, MIL wants to stay longer and she is going to stay for a month, while FIL stays for 2 weeks. MIL wants to spend more time with our 2 kids (6 & 8) since they are her only grandkids and she hasn’t seen them in a few years. I was not asked about this, I was told.
They are set to visit 6 weeks from now.
Now, I don’t hate my in-laws, but 1-2 weeks is about my extreme limit for time with them. They tend to be very needy house guests and very much treat their visits with us as vacations for themselves. They aren’t here to help us with anything, they are here to enjoy their grandkids and daughter.
When my wife told me her mom would be staying for a month I admit I didn’t handle it well. I kind of snapped at her that she should have discussed that with me before agreeing to it and that I am not happy about it. She said that it will mean a lot to her mom to have that much time with the kids.
And since the kids won’t be in school, MIL can help watch them. We already pay to have our kids in daycare during the week, so it’s not like MIL’s help is needed.
I told my wife that I am going to struggle with her mom here that long and she told me to plan things for myself to get out of the house so that I don’t feel so smothered with MIL here.
So, that’s exactly what I did. I got in touch with a few friends and we threw together a week-long fishing/golfing trip a couple of hours away. It is scheduled for the week after FIL leaves.
I told my wife about my plan and she flipped out on me. She said it is unreasonable of me to think leaving her alone with the kids for an entire week is acceptable.
I told her that her mom is going to be there, so she won’t be alone. And she literally told me to plan something for myself. She said that when she told me to schedule things for myself, she meant like 1-2 rounds of golf. Or go fishing for an afternoon on a Saturday. Definitely not leave for an entire week.
We haven’t booked or paid for anything for the trip yet, so technically I could still try to change things. But I don’t really want to. I know that after 2 weeks of my in-laws, I am going to need a break. And MIL is definitely not visiting to spend time with me. The way I look at it, now they get all the bonding time they want.
My wife is pretty much telling me I can’t go on the trip because it’s too long and not fair to leave her like that. Now, I haven’t gone on a trip like this since before the kids were born. The longest I’ve been on a trip with friends was a 4-day weekend trip to Vegas 4 years ago.
My wife even went on a 5-day trip with friends earlier this year so it’s not like she hasn’t had this kind of break.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yes, she should have consulted you before agreeing to a visit of that length. You’re also a jerk for bailing for a full week without talking to her first.
You know that isn’t what she meant and it’s very much not fair to her. If you want to book a trip like this you should do so, but with agreement and notice for your wife. Your wife messed up, but playing petty games to get back at her will destroy your marriage.” User
Another User Comments:
“Your wife didn’t consult you before telling your MIL she could stay for a MONTH? That’s a loooong visit, and she has undermined her ‘my mother will help while she’s here’ by saying she’d be alone with the kids for an entire week.
You’re fine. Only 2 things you need to consider: 1) Can you afford the guy’s trip? 2) She is equally entitled to a week-long trip with HER friends, while YOU stay home with the kids. Are you fully on board with that? If honest answers to both 1 and 2 are ‘yes’, you are officially NTJ. Enjoy your trip, it sounds great!” DubiousChordate
6. AITJ For Giving My Mom's Pearl Necklace To My Son?
“I lost my parents when I was very young and have spent decades recovering from the trauma. One coping mechanism I had was holding onto all of their things. My parents were well off, and I inherited almost all of their possessions and assets. My therapist and I have talked about why I feel the need to cling to these things that have no use to me, and I’ve said that I might be open to giving some of their things to someone who would use and treasure them.
I didn’t have a concrete plan or timeline for doing so though.
My mother owned a pearl necklace that was passed down from mother to daughter for generations. My great-great-grandmother brought it with her to America when her family fled Germany, so obviously it has immense sentimental value. My mother didn’t have a daughter, so the necklace, like everything else, has been sitting in my house for decades, unworn.
So, onto my son. He is very into style and fashion. He wears lots of different types of outfits. He’ll wear a suit and tie to a work function and then a miniskirt and mesh shirt to go clubbing with his friends. He wears jewelry sometimes and owns a few elegant, classy pieces, no pearls though.
A few months ago my son was showing me an all-white suit he bought to wear to a friend’s party. It was a really nice suit. All of a sudden I was struck with the idea that my mother’s pearls would look great with that suit. So I went and got them. My son became very emotional, and I decided that he should have the pearls to keep.
I don’t wear necklaces, but he does. I think my mother would want him to have the pearls.
When I talked to my therapist about this, she said I made a huge step forward in processing my grief. Now that I’ve made that first step, it feels a lot more doable to go through my parents’ other things.
I feel good about my decision.
My cousin (mom’s niece) called me today, LIVID. She said I shouldn’t have given the pearls to my son. She said if they went to anyone, they should go to her or her sister. She claims that they’ve now left the family.
I don’t really understand her perspective. I get that the pearls are supposed to go from mother to daughter, not father to son.
But that chain was already broken when my mom died without a daughter. I don’t see how Niece is better than Grandson in this scenario. Still, my cousin is a really nice person, so there must be something I’m not getting. Is this like a woman thing? Can a woman explain why I might be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If your mother had meant for the necklace to go to your cousin or her sister, she would have left it to them in her will.
The way your cousin expressed it was with a lot of entitlement. It’s a family heirloom. It was passed down with love to the next generation. If she wanted it, she could have reached out at any time to ask.
I also don’t understand how she imagines they’ve left the family. Your son is a part of the family.” Kawaiidumpling8
Another User Comments:
“Well first NTJ.
You ARE keeping items in the family. It is your SON and they are your belongings to do what you please.
Onto your question, it sounds like your cousin has some desire to access some of the items as heirlooms for her family. If she was particularly close with your mother and father, she may feel like she never had an opportunity to have something that connects with her.
If you are comfortable with it, would you be willing to select a few pieces you’d be willing to part with to offer to her family?” LumpyLoo2
5. WIBTJ If I Don't Tell My Cousin I Will Pray For Her Father?
“I grew up in a deeply religious family. Many of my aunts, uncles, and cousins have their own ministries or are pastors of churches with large congregations. To describe them as ‘very Christian’ would be an understatement.
Me? I’m not particularly religious—or unreligious—one way or the other, and generally take a ‘you do you’ approach to life.
As is the case in all families, tragedies and crises arise from time to time. Although I’ve run across this dilemma many times in the past, it’s weighing more heavily than usual on me this time around.
About a month ago, a beloved uncle was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer and isn’t expected to live much longer.
His three daughters and I grew up together and are more like sisters than cousins. We are very close in age, having attended the same schools and even having gotten married at about the same time. We all were bridesmaids at each other’s weddings!
Over the years, we scattered and now live in different states. We’ve grown apart to some degree, but still see each other at family reunions and maintain a strong bond.
We also keep up with each other via social media and regular emails, text messages, and phone calls. The youngest sister, ‘Tori,’ and I share a birthday and are the closest among the four of us.
One of the ways Tori is dealing with her father’s impending death is by making daily postings on social media, asking for prayers.
Literally every single person in our family (except me) replies with messages like, ‘I’m praying for you,’ and ‘Sending prayers your way.’ So far, I’ve managed to keep my replies warm and loving, without mentioning prayer. (Note: I never ‘send good vibes.’ That’s the cringiest phrase I know.)
Apparently, this has been a topic of discussion behind my back among the family.
I know this because Tori’s oldest sister ‘Tami’ just sent me a text message, demanding to know why I ‘refuse’ to pray for their father. I don’t know what to say.
I have discussed this with friends who are neutral on the topic of religion. Half of them say it would be hypocritical of me to ‘be a sheep’ and promise to pray for my uncle unless I actually intend to do it.
Others say that since I don’t have particularly strong feelings one way or the other, I should suck it up and offer her the words of comfort she needs to hear from me.
This is something that has been bothering me for years. It’s not going to hurt anybody if I promise to pray ~~(except me, when I don’t go to heaven for lying)~~, but it seems hypocritical when I know it’s not going to happen.
Alternatively, I could just close my eyes, whisper a few words, and go about my day. That way, I’ll have kept my commitment and will feel like less of a hypocrite.
WIBTJ if I refuse to tell my cousin I’ll pray for her father?”
Another User Comments:
“‘Sending good vibes’, cringy as it may sound to you, is in fact the same as praying to some deity – at least in my opinion.
‘I am thinking of you’ would be acceptable? ‘Hoping for a miracle’? There are a lot of ways to say you care, aside from those exact words of ‘Praying for you’. What does praying mean to you? It is not saying some words without meaning them.
NTJ for not saying some particular words, but YTJ if you don’t let them know that you do care about them, and feel for them.
Unless you don’t, of course, but then I presume you would not have made this post.” Boring_Possible_1938
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are focusing on the wrong thing (perhaps it’s easier to misdirect judgment as a distraction from the tragedy in front of them). What’s important is that you are there for your family during this difficult time.” MeadowEstelle
I would send a group text/email saying that of course your uncle is always in your thoughts and prayers, whether or not you post them on social media,and wish his family the best. And then block them. They're projecting onto you, and that's understandable, but not okay.
4. AITJ For Not Liking My Mother-In-Law's Gifts?
“I (29f) am a teacher and a mom. My birthday is at the beginning of October. I was at my in-laws’ last night when my MIL asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said I didn’t want anything, I was content with just seeing them for a bit a few days after the fact.
Over the years my MIL has never got me a present I liked. It does not come from a place of malice – she and I get along fine, I just don’t think she understands me on a gift-giving level. More recent examples are shirts from Etsy with stupid sayings on them in that one super trendy minimalist font – saying things like ‘#momlife’ ‘y’all gonna LEARN today’ ‘half coffee, half mom,’ those kinds of things.
If it’s not that it’s something I just won’t use so I also don’t want her to waste money and buy me a gift just to buy a gift.
Yes, I have given her lists in the past. I’ve texted them to her, I’ve written them down, and I’ve explicitly told her what I wanted. I think she just forgets or loses the paper, or I said I wanted a comfy hoodie and she gets me one with one of those ridiculous sayings on it.
I do not care enough about receiving presents from her to make a big deal out of it.
However, when I said I didn’t want anything, my MIL was skeptical. She asked me how I couldn’t possibly want anything. I answered I just didn’t need anything right now. She insisted on getting me something, anything, and I turned it down again and said that a small celebration at a restaurant with no gifts or expectations is fine.
She shrugged and understood and we continued the visit.
However, my husband said I was a jerk for lying to his mom. He knows of my dislike for her gifts and thinks I should’ve been upfront, that his mom would take it well and understand. I said I didn’t disagree, but it’s not my family and not my place to be super critical of the gifts she buys for me.
I also said that there really isn’t anything I need or particularly want right now. My husband still thinks that I shouldn’t have lied. It hasn’t caused a huge fight but it hurt his feelings that I lied to his mom. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would classify your response as a ‘little white lie’ which is usually intended to cause no harm and spare someone’s feelings.
I think you have a rational approach as you do not want her wasting her money, she doesn’t pay attention to the list she asks you to provide, you do not find her gifts useful or enjoyable and you are not complaining you just would rather get nothing.
I disagree STRONGLY with your husband – guys for some reason ALWAYS think their Mom won’t be upset by something – SHE WILL BE if he tells her the real reason.
She will be hurt and offended and it will damage your relationship so you’d better tell hubby that he better not go behind your back and tell her.
If she pushes again ask her to make a donation in your name to a favored charity.
Have a Happy Birthday!” 1moreKnife2theheart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the answer is to ask for gift cards. It makes some people really uncomfortable not to give gifts if they’re getting gifts from you. Gift cards smooth over the awkwardness without filling up your house with stuff you don’t like.” Scrabblement
3. AITJ For Telling My Husband He Needs To Replace My Phone That He Threw Into The Pool?
“We’ve been married for 6 months and went out for 2 and a half years.
My husband (31) hates when I’m talking to him while scrolling through my phone. I’m a multi-task kind of person and so I could focus on doing 2 things at once like checking my socials while listening to him. He’d pitch a hissy fit whenever he sees me with the phone in hand.
Recently he has given me an ‘ultimatum’ (he has a nerve LOL) saying next time he sees me using my phone while talking to him the phone would have to go. I thought that was an overboard kind of ultimatum because it’s not like I’m ignoring him when he’s talking about serious stuff. BUT he just wants me to be 200% listening when he talks about a game or a past trip with his buddies.
Friday, I was in the kitchen scrolling through my phone when he came and sat across from me. He told me to put the phone down. I asked why and whether he had something serious to talk about but he said no, nothing serious, and reminded me of what he told me about the phone while talking rule.
I was like ‘pssshh no’. He got up, took it out of my hand, and rushed out while I yelled at him asking where he was taking it. He got outside and threw it in the pool while I watched.
I couldn’t believe it. I started yelling at him repeatedly. We got into a huge argument and he decided to get in his car and leave for Starbucks.
I was mad. I texted him that what he did was out of line and that I expect him to replace my phone as soon as possible. He responded by saying he already set one reasonable rule and I violated it and disrespected him and his presence and time.
We had another argument after he got home and I kept insisting on having my phone replaced, he said that I made things get this far by refusing to listen and choosing to be disrespectful.
Thankfully I have an old phone I’m using for now but my old phone was a tremendous loss because I paid for it and had work on it.”
Another User Comments:
“Husbands don’t make ‘rules’ for their wives. Wives don’t make rules either. He is not your boss or your dad so claiming he gets to make rules that you have to obey is not a good look.
You aren’t perfect either; it is rude to be looking at your phone when someone is talking to you. I am not sure either of you are ready to be married.” Kayliee73
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You, because you can’t put your phone down for even 5 minutes to talk to your husband. It is extremely rude, whether you think you can multitask or not.
It makes it looks like you really don’t care about what he has to say, ‘serious’ or not. If my partner constantly had his nose in his phone whenever I wanted to talk, I’d feel like he couldn’t care less about me or what I want to say.
On the other side of that coin, he went way too far by destroying your property like that.
Partners aren’t supposed to punish each other. From the way you described it, it doesn’t even sound like he tried to have a civil discussion with you about it, just let himself get angrier until he did what he did. But maybe he did try to have a discussion but couldn’t because you probably had your face in your phone, and you didn’t mention that discussion here.” simplycinci
2. AITJ For Not Paying My Mom Back For A "Loan" I Didn't Know About?
“So, 1 year ago I got into a medical college, and to get into it I had to pass NEET (The National Eligibility cum Entrance Test) which involves competing with 1.7 million students for 50k seats. To prepare, I cut off all contact with my friends for 3 years.
So when I got into college, I had trouble socializing and was depressed because of it.
There were times I didn’t go out of my hostel room even to eat as I didn’t want to eat in the mess.
So, I ended up spending a lot of time on my phone and became addicted to it. My average screen time was 14 hours. This cost me the whole 1st year of college. I didn’t study, attend classes, or sometimes even exams.
I failed the finals, but miraculously only failed one subject. I had 2 weeks time before the results. So I went home.
I had to give supplementary exams for that subject in a month, and the college called my mother to meet the principal. I had come back to college by train, but my mother came by flight and stayed in a hotel for a week to provide me with moral support.
During that time, the principal advised me to take my lunches from a restaurant, as she didn’t want me mixing with the boys who had passed, they were having fun and I was supposed to study hard (one month for Anatomy, a subject that I never studied before).
So my mother said she’d pay for the meals and not worry about it, and skip the mess.
She also hired me a tutor even though I didn’t want one, as I was weak in Anatomy.
One week before the exams, I was studying without sleeping to cover the vast course, and my mother offered to send me food through delivery apps late at night, as the mess would be closed.
My exams ended yesterday, and I called her right after to say that I think I’ll pass.
That was when she sprung it on me that all the money that she spent on me for the reasons listed above was a loan and that she would require 10% interest.
I called her vile and disgusting, as she even wanted money for her airfare and hotel stay. I thought she had changed and wanted to support me.
(She’s always treated me more like an investment that will take care of her when she’s old) I told her to get lost and that I won’t be paying any amount to her, and it was shameful that she’d try to profit off her own son.
She said it was a ‘loan’ as she was not going to fund my addiction to the phone (as she perceives it to be the main cause of my failure) and that the amount she spent during that month was a waste and I had to pay it back.
If I’d known it was a loan, I could’ve refused the money. But it was something she offered herself. I would even consider paying her back too, but she has the nerve to ask for 10% interest!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The tutor one especially, because you didn’t even ask for it. And everything that she’s offered should not be paid for.
If there was no agreement you needed to pay for it before, you don’t need to pay it back now.
Yes, it would be polite to pay back food costs, and similar stuff, but it is by no means mandatory.” Aquashinez
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. You spent 3 years trying to get into a medical college, I am assuming you took a student loan, which your parents will need to pay off if you keep on.
Your screen time was 14 hours, and assuming you slept 8 hours a day, you probably killed off that remaining 2 hours too. You didn’t attend classes or exams, and you are accusing your mom to be disgusting?
You really should be ashamed, if your mom is asking you to pay her back, pay her back. You aren’t eating the trashy mess food, and getting late-night takeouts.
You should be grateful as most students don’t get financial support from their parents, because most of them can’t afford it. You, on the other hand, are getting a tutor, and everything you weren’t able to. She is right. If you didn’t fail, she would have been the jerk.
Everyone is stuck on their phones these days. You are no different. But you will need to properly manage time, and be responsible for your own actions. Prove her that you are a responsible person.” Girl-in-pajamas
1. AITJ For Telling My Fiancée I Won't Be Paying For Her Extra Wedding Guests?
“I (27M) will be soon getting married to my fiancée (25F) after spending 7 beautiful years together.
We’re both financially in a good place, but for the past 3 years, I’ve been earning twice what she makes. Once we had that salary gap between us, to ease the financial burden on each other, we decided that it’d be best if we’d pay for everything that we’d do in common percent-wise based on our salary (going out, traveling, expenses).
Therefore, whenever we need to pay for something, I pay 67% of it, and she’s paying the remaining 33%. And we’re all happy with that!
Of course, when we go out and have romantic dinners (about once a week) I cover the cost, and we usually give each other gifts every month or so, but those are extras.
We started planning our wedding after being engaged for close to 1 year now, and we’ve reached the budgeting part, which is tricky, to say the least.
I highlighted that I’d prefer we’d invite only family and friends that we’re actively communicating and going out with, that I’d rather spend that precious time with people I care most for, rather than being split around tables having to entertain people I rarely even talk to.
Therefore, from my side, I’d be having about 35 guests.
She kinda agrees with it being a small wedding, though, she’d like to invite family members with which she hasn’t even spoken in years (to quote her: ‘They’re still family overall, it’s not nice’). Besides that, her parents want to also invite their own friends and work colleagues, which we’ve never met.
The end result would be that she’d have about 55-60 guests from her side. (I denied the guest invites my parents proposed from their side)
Therefore, we’d have overall about 90-100 guests, give or take.
Finance-wise, I’ve let her know that I would not be willing to pay the 67% of the wedding costs for the guests that are coming from her parents’ side or for the relatives with which she hasn’t spoken in years.
I’ve let her know that we will split the finances percent-wise for up to 35 invites from each other’s side and that she’d have to cover entirely the extra guests that’d be coming from her side (any guest above 35).
If the planning would have ended with me having more guests than she would’ve had, then I would’ve willingly covered entirely the cost of the extra guests coming from my side.
I’ve let her know that I’d not be taking any of the presents her extra guests would be giving us. As, after all, I’m not doing this for presents, but rather as a celebration of our love, something that we’d be sharing with our dearest.
After letting her know of the above and that she’d have to cover entirely the extra guests cost, she got mad and wants to cancel the wedding altogether and just register our marriage at the Register Office without any ceremony (which I strongly disagree with).
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“This one is tough because your style of wedding is actually what I would prefer myself. However, I think for me it would be YTJ. The reason being, it’s not that you said no they can’t come, it’s just that you won’t pay for them but once you’re married, what’s yours is hers and hers yours.
So you are drawing a financial line that is making her not even want the wedding when at the end of the day, the line is meaningless.
I see you did a great attempt at compromising, but if this is so important to her that she’d rather elope, then maybe the compromise was done poorly. Or maybe you should consider eloping and then just throw a small party with those near and dear.
Given it’s not an actual wedding but a love party, easier to justify only a small number of close people.” SunnyRose57
Another User Comments:
“YTJ mainly because you see this entirely as a transaction rather than a celebration for families and friends. You seem to be mandating the split of the costs of the wedding. i.e. ‘I’ve let her know…’ This ain’t how things work in a partnership.
It’s how two people who are not related discuss things.
You two are meant to be a single family. Not two single folks. And you seem really misaligned on how to come to a consensus.
And yeah, the way you’re approaching this with your decision-making is a jerk move. Have you thought about what this portents for actually important decisions in your lives?” FunOnAita
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!