People Ask Us To Help Them Deal With Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situations
25. AITJ For Not Letting My Friend Drag Me Down To Impress A Girl?
“My friend (Leon) is extremely big-headed, and his technique on getting women: Embarrass your friends = Girls will find you cool.
I guess the girl he was talking to found that crap corny.
He was talking to this girl named Rachel for a week and a half, and the way he’d talk about her to me and the guys was demeaning. He’d call her all sorts of derogatory names.
Here’s the funny part, he was a sweetheart over text.
One of the photos he used in his bio was a picture of himself standing next to me. Rachel never brought me up in the conversation, until 2 days before their meet-up, and she had a friend called Laura that found me handsome.
So she suggested we come with them, Leon told me and I agreed to go.
Laura is such a beautiful person, she was hilarious and we just had banter like no other. Truly a vibe. We tried to have separate conversations but Rachel was cringing when Leon would talk about me in such a disrespectful manner to her.
I would hear him but ignore it.
We all just started talking together and every 5 minutes he’d insert the lamest joke ever and it was always at my expense, trying to make me look bad. I don’t take myself too seriously so I spun my embarrassment into jokes that the ladies would laugh at.
Leon saw he couldn’t make me look stupid so he got up and left.
Rachel didn’t really care. I chilled with them for about an hour and we 3 went to a cool spot nearby that had a nice view and just sat on the grass talking.
I got Laura’s number and socials and Rachel told me to tell Leon not to contact her again. I called one of my other buddies and told him about the night, and he told me I was a little bit of a jerk because I showed Leon up.
Gosh. Is that what I did? All I did was not care and not let him bring me down. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Leon is the ONLY jerk in this story. He was trying to make you look bad while trying to make himself look good but all he did was make himself look like a jerk.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Which is why the girls continued the night with you. You were being yourself & they liked you. Leon should try doing the same thing.” NOTTHATKAREN1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this guy was not your friend. He keeps people around whom he can pick on, put down, and use whatever it is to rip you apart to make himself look and feel better about himself.
This guy has low self-esteem and builds himself up by shredding those around him. The woman he went out with with saw Leon for who he really was, ugly on the inside. You also didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t cause a scene, you simply outwitted a nitwit.
You did not allow his digs to ruin the vibe. The fact he could not handle someone standing up for themselves in a non-confrontational way is his own problem. Good luck with the girl. Leon’s girl was smart.” emptynest_nana
24. AITJ For Not Wanting To Meet My Biological Parents?
“I (16M) always knew I was adopted. My parents never hid that from me. It was not until recently that I found out that my dad has been in contact with my bio parents for over 2 years. My dad told me this and basically told me that I had two older siblings and a twin brother as well.
This completely shocked me as I felt kinda weirded out knowing I had a twin and siblings. I feel uncomfortable too and I’m not really sure why, but I also felt lied to. I asked my dad why he hid this from me for so long and he told me that my bio parents didn’t want me to know and just wanted to keep tabs on me.
He said it wasn’t until a couple of days ago they asked if I would be open to meeting them.
They live in a different state and wanted us to come and fly out to them or vice versa. I was still kinda weirded out by this and told my parents that I didn’t think it would be a good idea.
My dad asked me why and I told him that I would feel very uncomfortable with the idea and that I doubt I could even talk to them.
I told him that they were basically strangers and that he knew how uncomfortable I get around strangers.
My dad told me that he thinks that they’re nice people and he’ll know I’ll love them. I told my dad again that I was okay and that I didn’t want to talk to them.
My dad and I had a long talk and he started telling me more about them and the reason I was given away.
To be honest, this only made me not want to meet them more and I told my dad that. I asked him to tell them that I appreciated them wanting to get in touch with me, but I was fine. My dad was not happy and told me that all my brothers wanted to meet me and that it would be wrong of me to deprive them of that relationship when they had no say in whether I was given up or not.
My dad told me that he wasn’t gonna decline their offer and was gonna tell my bio parents that I would be glad to meet then. Which is false. I talked to my mom about it and she told me that my dad only wanted what was best for me but I told her that he wasn’t doing anything in my best interest and she should tell him to stop but she told me that she wouldn’t do that.
I tried to talk to my dad again to tell him that I didn’t want to talk to them but he told me that I would be crazy not to take this opportunity and I was being ungrateful and selfish for not wanting to meet them because I wouldn’t have had them if they never gave me up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at all. This is really reprehensible behavior on your father’s part, and mom’s too for not backing you up. is there any family or other trusted adult that you could talk to that could help you get your point across?
Maybe ask parents if you could attend counseling (by yourself) to talk this through… this also gives you a buffer of time. ‘Hey Dad and Mom, I really need to work through this stuff and I’d like to see a counselor on my own before we move forward with meeting bio family.
I’m sure you can understand I have a lot to work through/figure out in order to make this meeting go well.’ Drag it out as long as possible. Therapy could help you work out your feelings and be able to better articulate why you don’t want to meet them.
It could change your mind. And it could take just long enough until you’re a legal adult and dear old dad can go kick rocks and cannot force you to do anything. He’s really gone too far ‘reporting’ back on you and pushing bio family’s agenda.
I really would like to know why he’s so hung up about you meeting your bio parents and siblings (including a twin!) when they stayed as a family and you were put up for adoption. I mean it’s just weird, to be honest. And I think it’s bothering you that your dad doesn’t seem to give a crap how you feel.
Something else is going on here.” disney_nerd_mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wow, your dad is being unreasonable. I see he likes your bio family, which is great. But he’s also had 2 years to develop a relationship. You JUST had this sprung up on you.
Maybe the compromise is a phone call? You should not have to visit them if you are uncomfortable. This is a lot to chew on and it seems your dad and mom just aren’t taking your view seriously. This is unfortunate. You were the one given up.
They kept your twin. That’s got to feel weird. You probably feel abandoned and now don’t know why they want to reconnect. There’s just so much to absorb here. Do you have grandparents you can speak with that might take your side? You’re not wrong OP and it’s really worrisome that your dad is trying to push this against your will.
You need to be ready and everyone needs to understand that. Good luck OP.” goldenfingernails
Something doesn't feel quite right. Ask for therapy because tell them you need help dealing with your feelings. Drag it out as suggested in another post Once you reach 18 n8oone can make you. No one should be forced to meet .
23. AITJ For Hating My Father After Learning About The Things He Did 20 Years Ago?
“This big mess began over two decades ago. There were three women involved: my (18m) mom, ‘Jenna’ and ‘Tricia’. All three went to university together. So what my father did was ask my mom to be his partner, and then six hours later asked Jenna to be his partner too.
Yes, on the same day. He admitted it. Jenna knew what he was doing to my mom but she didn’t care. Mom didn’t know about Jenna. The next day he asked Tricia to be his partner. I didn’t find out about her until recently. Tricia didn’t know anything and no one knew about Tricia.
Not mom, not Jenna. No one.
So, yeah. Three partners at the same time.
Then he married Mom and had me. He also had a son with Jenna, with me and my mom being unaware of it for a very long time. Ended up leaving us for Jenna.
Broke my mom’s heart. I was only 13 at the time.
Yesterday he came over saying Jenna and Tricia found out about each other and both of them left him, with Jenna moving out and filing for divorce. Now he wants me and mom to take him back.
He asked me to ‘put in a good word with mom.’ Told me Mom would give it a try if I asked after Mom already turned him down.
I told him he disgusted me and I lost my appetite after seeing him. Later on, my grandma called me and said I should at least try to hold back a little and show a little respect since he did raise me before leaving and that I owe him at least the bare minimum courtesy.”
Another User Comments:
“Well, there are multiple jerks in this story. First of all, there is your dad. Obviously. Then there is your grandma. I assume that this is your dad’s mother? I think it’s pretty safe to say that she probably knew about at least one of her son’s multiple affairs (and the child/her grandchild), and instead of telling her son what’s what, she calls you and tries to dump him on your family.
She just doesn’t want to take him in herself. Last but not least, there is Jenna. She knew your dad was being unfaithful to your mom and was OK with it, but the moment she found out that he was being unfaithful to her as well, she dumped him?
I guess karma really is real… But you? You are definitely NTJ. I think it was actually really nice of you to say those words instead of just throwing up in his face.” Ok-Food-6996
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nobody is ‘owed’ respect and courtesy. While it should be the default, once someone has demonstrated they deserve neither, they get neither.
The man is worthless, father or not. That level of deception indicates a character flaw so wide and deep that I’m not even sure therapy would help. Tell your grandmother enabling your father’s abusive behavior helps no one, not even him. Therapy for you would absolutely be helpful though – so you know how to handle him next time and move past your trauma.
Then go live your best life.” savinathewhite
22. AITJ For Not Letting My Husband's Friend Move In With Us?
“My husband has this friend from a long time ago.
He is married, a great guy, and his wife and I get along great. They recently visited us and it was a great few days! The problem is my husband recently started helping this friend get a job where we live and he is scheduled for an interview in the next month.
They live on the other side of the US than us.
This friend of my husband’s recently asked my husband if he could stay with us for an extended period of time while he looks for housing for his family while he gets comfortable with the new job.
It would just be him, not his family coming. My husband and I have kids, dogs, full-time jobs, and no extra space for this friend to stay. He would have to sleep on an air mattress in our living room. There is no private bathroom or shower so we would share that all with him.
He was thinking it may take up to 6 months to secure housing before his family comes down.
My husband thinks it’s wrong of me to say no and that he cannot stay because he’s ‘trying to get on his feet’ and cannot afford a hotel for that long of a time frame.
I am just feeling uncomfortable with the situation as that is a long time for a person to stay in someone’s house. Especially since we have our kids and our own routines.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not do it. Six months will make him a tenant (in some states it’s a couple of weeks).
He could refuse to move and you would have to legally evict him. You would end up paying attorney fees, court costs, and in some cases paying him money to move. Besides the potential legal issues. Why should you give up your living room, and sofa, share a bathroom, and give up your privacy for 6 months?
Also, let’s be real is he going to pay for groceries? Even so, are you going to be expected to cook for and clean up after him as well? This would literally be my hill.” Banana_Puddin11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband and his friend are both delusional, and it would be a hard pass if I were in your shoes.
If you let him stay with you and he doesn’t find housing for his family within the first 6 months, what then? Would he expect you to take in his whole family? Or just continue living solo in your living room while his family stays where they currently live?
Not only no, but GOD NO! He can ask for relocation assistance from the company that’s hiring him. You and your husband can help him identify affordable solutions that don’t involve him camping out on your living room floor or trying to displace one of your kids.” Kitchen_King63
21. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Sister Buy A House?
“My sister (27F) and I (32F) got along fairly well when we were younger. She did a wild child stint from 16-22 where she ran around with a few exes. So she never got a college education but she married someone who makes enough for her to be a stay-at-home mom with their son.
I know because they pay rent and they have not been able to save up enough to afford a house.
My husband and I do not have children yet as we spent our 20s getting our education and a career. I am a nurse anesthetist and my husband just accepted a gynecologist position.
He has some crazy student loans to pay and I still have some (but thankfully less). We just put a successful bid on a house and I announced it to my family thinking they would be happy for me. I guess they were but immediately my sister asked me to help them afford their down payment.
I told her we have a lot of student loans and this house’s mortgage to pay and we aren’t in a position to help.
She complained to our mom who told me that I was in a much better position and therefore I should help.
I told her while my sister had the freedom to enjoy life in her younger years I was studying and working on my career. I would have loved that freedom but I chose a different path and I’m finally starting to benefit from it. It’s not fair that now my husband’s and mine’s work has translated to financial success, we are now expected to start helping everyone else who got to enjoy their life.
She got mad and said I’m her sister and so her success is my success and I’m obligated to help. I’ve been ignoring them both but AITJ for not helping my sister?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get so b****y annoyed with grown siblings who go complain to the parents.
It took me decades to realize I could say, hey this is between sibling and me. So some nerve of your sister to immediately pounce on your wallet now there’s evidence you have your finances in order. You have taken on a huge financial commitment.
How is that a reason that you can pile on another one? Do they want you to give them money or co-sign a loan? I’m also disappointed in your mother for putting that guilt trip on you. That said of course you’re doing better, you’re also 5 years older and both spouses are working. Completely stop defending your position regards to I worked, you partied, I prioritized my career etc, etc. It is a reason but it’s also irrelevant.
You said it, you are not in a position to help. Repeat it, don’t get drawn in, tell your mother it’s between you and your sister, and don’t discuss it further.” Firm-Molasses-4913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘She complained to our mom who told me that I’m in a much better position and therefore I should be allowed to help.’ Helping a sibling is ALWAYS optional and not an obligation.
Also, as someone who is the most successful out of 5 kids, I get put into this position a lot and it gets tiring.
1. You’re not a charity, and 2. Most of the time ‘helping’ people like this doesn’t really ‘help’ them. They will not pay the taxes, HoA, or mortgage, and eventually, the bank will foreclose and then they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.
This is what happens with 90% of lottery winners.
Unlike you, they didn’t earn the downpayment so they tend not to appreciate the amount of effort that went into saving to buy the house (like you and your husband do). Help them by ‘teaching them to fish’ so they learn to feed themselves, not ‘giving them fish’ so they feed for a day.” ailuropod
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite Our Nephew To Easter Dinner?
“Our nephew (22) has always been troubled, even though SIL (44) and BIL (48) have always treated him well. Some examples of his unsettling behavior:
- He was caught feeding one of BIL’s horses avocados (poisonous to horses) to make it sick. I (37) have dogs and don’t want him to hurt them as well.
- He demands to be called the names of two specific fictional characters. He believes he is these characters, reincarnated. If you call him by his real name or refuse to go along with his delusions he becomes aggressive.
- He carries around a plushie of one of these characters everywhere.
There is a hole in the back. The hole is stained. I have tried not to jump to conclusions about what he does to that plushie and failed. It smells rancid, and honestly just thinking about the thing makes me want to vomit.
I have tried so hard to be patient with his ‘quirks’ as my wife (35) puts it, but what really pushed me over the edge was an incident that occurred a few weeks ago.
For context, my wife has struggled with infertility for our entire marriage, and we had given up on having our own kid until we recently discovered she was pregnant. Given the fact that she’s 35, we have been surprised and overjoyed.
A few weeks ago, my wife started randomly getting rude texts from our nephew, insulting our baby.
One text implied that our baby would have FAS, due to my wife’s previous drinking problem, even though she has been sober for years. I wanted to call up that insensitive brat and tear into him, but my wife insisted we gently let him know via text that we didn’t appreciate his comments.
When he kept going and my wife started crying, I called SIL. She was able to shut him down and get him to apologize. I have no idea what got into him, but I suspect it has to do with his hatred of women.
My wife believes that he may be on the spectrum/have undiagnosed mental illness and that he needs to be treated patiently.
I think he has been coddled his entire life and it has only made him worse. I think if someone doesn’t put their foot down, his behavior will escalate into something dangerous.
Here’s where I may be the jerk. Each year, my wife and I host Easter Dinner for her entire family.
My wife has already forgiven our nephew for the incident and is insisting we invite him so that he isn’t isolated from his family, something she believes will worsen his behavior. I see her reasoning, but enough is enough. I refused. I said she is being a doormat like everyone else in the family when it comes to him, and that our manchild of a nephew can’t just make her cry and get away with it with an empty apology.
Some of my friends are saying that I am being controlling and that I can’t stop her from seeing her own family. I feel like I am going insane. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and honestly I wouldn’t want him around my wife if I were in your shoes.
He sounds a bit dangerous (the horses for example) and abusive. He needs help, and his parents need to step up and realize that he needs serious intervention and attention. You setting this boundary might be the exact thing they need to actually do something about him.
Yes it will be hard and yes it might cause a family rift, but you could preface it with ‘We love him and care for him but don’t want him around us until he is getting help.’ Stand firm. This is about protecting your wife (and tell her so) and your sanity.” SlowLime
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for trying to limit her nephew from coming to the house. To be honest, I’d be concerned about your wife’s safety in this situation. It sounds like her nephew has undiagnosed mental health problems that are serious and aren’t being addressed. If he’s willing to poison animals and show active hostility to your wife and baby, then there is a risk that he might try to poison your wife.
This is unfortunately easy to do. And if I can think of half a dozen things that could potentially end a pregnancy if ingested, then they can’t be that hard to find on Google. Do you know if he’s harmed other animals? If he’s demonstrating a psychosis about being a fictional character, he might easily slip into the delusion that the fictional character would do things and it’s ok.
To be honest, this is not your problem to fix – it’s the massive failure of your BIL/SIL as parents to not get their son the help that he needed YEARS AGO. If your wife INSISTS on allowing the untreated mentally ill, potentially dangerous, relative into your home, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to literally stand guard over him to make sure he doesn’t do anything that could put your wife at risk.
Pretty sure that wouldn’t go over very well. Personally, I can’t imagine my husband letting anyone into our home that would upset me, so I hope you and your wife can come to an agreement.” savinathewhite
19. AITJ For Telling My Dad To Stop Telling Personal Things About Me To My Half-Brother?
“So my dad has my half-brother from his first marriage.
He and my half-brother’s mom divorced when he was still a baby. Dad met my mom when my half-brother was 6 and they got married when he was 7 and I came along when he was 8. He was 11 and then 12 when my younger sisters were born. My half-brother spent the same amount of time in both homes so he was a big part of our early childhoods.
I (16M) had a speech delay when I was younger. I didn’t say my first word until I was 3. And then I also had speech issues. Including a stutter which is the most noticeable issue. This was something I really struggled with a lot and my half-brother’s mom made it awful.
My half-brother would tell his mom everything that happened in our house and everything going on with us, even private stuff. She would call me crazy, or make fun of me and my speech, she would mock me if she saw us (we live in a small town so we saw each other out a lot).
She blamed my mom, said mom had faulty genes, and was a crappy mom for giving me that. She would also mock if one of us wet the bed when we were a little older. My half-brother refused to keep anything to himself. Dad took his ex to court but they didn’t care about this stuff.
They said it was petty crap.
It drove me crazy and made life very uncomfortable for me. A couple of times I ended up being diagnosed with selective mutism because the anxiety and stress from knowing my half-brother would tell his mom and she would belittle and mock me were so bad.
His mom approached me at my half-brother’s high school graduation and thanked me for ridding the world of my crazy voice and everyone was so much better off.
Stuff like that really used to hurt me but eventually, it really annoyed me because he knew how his mom was.
I’m not close to him and I don’t ever want to be close to him because he clearly doesn’t care. I had an issue with a substitute teacher recently. She struggled to understand me and it was pretty humiliating because she made a big deal about it.
Dad told my half-brother about it and guess what? He told his mom. So then I ran into her while I was out with my friends and she brought it up. Afterward, I asked my dad if he told his son about it and he was like of course.
I told Dad that his son told his mom and asked why he told him when he knows that’s what his son always does. He told me we’re family and he deserves/has a right to know so he’s not in the dark. I told him he doesn’t and I don’t care if it keeps him in the dark.
That’s where he should be when he blabs to his mom.
My dad told me I wasn’t being very compassionate or considerate of my brother and I was being very unfair. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your brother has no entitlement to your personal information.
Your father is more concerned about keeping his first child happy and included than he is about an adult verbally abusing his other child using information passed to her from their son. Your father is directly enabling the harassment of you. Sadly I don’t think he will ever stop and put you first. To do that he would need to stand up to his ex and he won’t do that as he would probably lose his other son, who he obviously feels is the most important child.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father knows how psychologically damaging that woman’s campaign of harassment is to you. Yet he still tells her spy information that he knows will be used to mock you. He is a bad parent to both of you. He’s cruel to you because he knows that what he tells your half-brother will be used to attack you.
He is not raising your half-brother right because he isn’t teaching him that betrayal has consequences. Is not hearing news about you hurting your half-brother’s feelings? Then don’t rat you out to the woman who harasses you.
Both need to understand that they will not be updated about your life if they are going to pass the information on to someone who, for years, has made herself your enemy.
If your father can’t keep the information from your half-brother, you need to stop revealing damaging information to your clueless father.” ThatguyIncognito
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Make Regular Visits To My Wife's Family With Our Child?
“My wife (33f) and I (38f) have been together 12 years. Her family’s ‘love language’ is to talk trash when you’re not in the room.
They hated me for the first 2 years we were together because I was from a different state. It was bizarre. I’d never been treated like that.
I quickly noticed they talked about others too. Close family friends, cousins, my MIL is the instigator as it seems the only way she can find things to talk about at all.
We moved across the country and have had many ups and downs with her family because of all the trash-talking. One of my BILs has removed himself from the family and cut off his mom.
My wife can’t stand her mom. She is always super annoyed by her and can’t be in the same room as her for more than 30 minutes.
But they still family FaceTime an hour every week, talk, text, send gifts, etc. She hates it but can’t pull away from it because she’s worried if she doesn’t participate in the family stuff with them they will talk trash about her when she’s not there.
Fun fact: they talk trash about us no matter what we do!
She also tries to say my family is just as bad but they’re not. My family is very independent.
Now we have a baby and my wife is trying to force us to make regular visits to them.
Red eyes, across the country, with a toddler, for 2-3 days at a time. Her reasoning: it’s for the baby to get to know them. What?! They don’t deserve time with the baby and I’m tired of the toxic drama. But she insists it’s for the baby’s benefit when a trip only hurts the baby’s sleep schedule.
I’m so confused by that reasoning.
Their last visit to us was my baby’s 1st birthday. My wife was so anxious and paranoid about their visit that she turned into a monster all weekend. Mostly taking it out on me. I refused to be a part of it this time.
Any time she came to me to tell me I was doing something wrong because she was worried her mom might have something to say about it, I told her flat out, ‘I don’t care.’ ‘It doesn’t matter to me what they think.’
The night of our baby’s first birthday my wife tried to end our marriage because I wasn’t being a supportive partner.
Now she wants to force us all onto flights with a toddler to visit people she hates and I’m refusing to go.
It’ll mess up the baby’s schedule and only make us argue all weekend. It also makes her weird, angry, aggressive, and paranoid when around them. Plus I just turn into a babysitter because her family gets bored with the baby after a couple of hours and my wife HAS to do everything they’re doing and be everywhere they are.
We become a second thought.
Am I the jerk for not being more supportive and just going on this trip?”
Another User Comments:
“Your wife needs some therapy to help her understand she can give herself permission to go low/no contact with her mother.
Her response is one that has been ingrained in her for her entire life. It’s likely a form of PTSD from all the toxicity in the home she grew up in. Not to leave out her paranoia and self-esteem issues stemming from the same toxic environment.
Why would you ever want to expose your child to that? NTJ.” NoDaisy
Another User Comments:
“I’m more worried about what exposure to these people will do to your child as they get older, OP. I’m worried about the fact that your wife becomes an anxious mess when she has to interact with these people.
I’m concerned about the fact that when her family is around she’s taking out her feelings about their cruel and abusive behavior on you and potentially your child in the future.
Friend, your wife needs therapy. Some deep, intensive, deconstructing therapy. It shouldn’t have been her willing to end the marriage that night, it should have been you.
You should have been protecting your right to exist and protecting your child from experiencing your wife’s unhealthy coping mechanisms. Without her being willing to realize the damage she’s causing to herself, her marriage, and her child; I’m not sure the two of you will make it.
NTJ, but you will be to yourself and your kid if you don’t get your wife to see that she’s allowing these people to hurt her and she is hurting you, in turn.” moew4974
17. AITJ For Being Close With My Adult Daughter?
“I (38m) have been a single father to ‘Emma’ (22f) since she was born. Her mum gave up custody, and I’m not close with my family, so it’s always just been us. It was hard raising her as a teen parent, but she’s grown up into a wonderful young lady, so I think I did pretty well.
She still lives at home while on breaks from uni.
I avoided being in serious relationships while she was little, but now that she’s grown up, I’ve started going out with people. This is how I met Sara (43f). Sara and I had been casually seeing each other for a couple of months, and she knew about Emma.
Emma came home recently, acting a bit more clingy than usual, but she’s always been very affectionate, so I didn’t think much of it. It’s very normal for her to have her head on my shoulder or her feet in my lap while watching movies together.
She just likes to be physically close to people. Sara has made a few comments, but nothing more.
Last night, however, things got a little heated. Emma has been very anxious since even before coming home. I know something happened while she was away to cause her anxiety to spike, but I’m waiting for her to come to me about it.
She’s arranged to finish the rest of her classes online for this year and she hasn’t left the house on her own at all. She’s been following me around the house more, though I can tell she’s making an effort to give Sara and me space when she visits.
Last night was no different. Emma stayed close, but she gave us plenty of space. She excused herself to go to bed earlier than usual, but after a few hours, she came out of her room and pulled me aside to ask if she could sleep in my room for a bit.
She promised she’d move as soon as I wanted to go to sleep, but she couldn’t manage to sleep at all in her own room (unsurprising with her anxiety and severe insomnia working against her). Of course, I told her it was fine.
She hasn’t slept much since coming home, so if giving up my bed in favor of the couch is what it takes, I don’t mind at all.
Even though Emma had spoken to me quietly, Sara heard, and as soon as Emma left, she started berating me.
She said she could ‘excuse’ the ‘touchiness’, but not this. She accused Emma of being jealous of her and trying to push her out of the way. She implied that my relationship with her was inappropriate.
I tried to argue, but Sara didn’t listen.
She kept insisting that it was wrong of an adult woman to be that close with her father and that it was ‘creepy’. I got upset and calmly explained that she had no right to speak about my relationship with my daughter. She called me a creep, made nasty comments about Emma, and stormed out.
I know that there’s nothing wrong with my relationship Emma, but none of my friends have kids her age so I can’t compare notes. I feel bad for making Sara so upset, but I don’t think I did anything wrong. I don’t think that was enough to actually justify that type of reaction, but I’m confused enough to second-guess myself.
So AITJ for being affectionate with my daughter?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s only creepy to those that have those kinds of thoughts. Your daughter seems to need you, you are going to be there for her because that’s what a dad does.
The woman is either putting her own issues on you or truly thinks that all men who care and are affectionate with their children are just trying to catch a feel. She’s not the one. You don’t need that kind of person to be a role model for your daughter.
I say get rid of the woman and find someone that won’t assume or blatantly call you a creep for being a good father.” Cooterhawk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think ‘a couple of months’ into a relationship is way too early to make judgmental comments about the way you parent and show up for your child.
Then there’s the whole insinuating something inappropriate – I don’t think I could stay with someone who made that kind of implication and called me a creep (!) personally, but that’s obviously your call. Separately, your daughter might need some help. That has nothing to do with her closeness with you, and everything to do with the grip anxiety seems to have on her life at the moment.
But yes, of course, you should continue to be there for her during this time. You sound like a wonderful father. I hope that you meet someone who can appreciate that, instead of being vile about it.” hiddenkobolds
16. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Partner For Always Asking If I'm Okay?
“I (37F) have been with my partner (37M) for 2 years. He is sweet and loving. He would do anything for me. I feel very blessed. There is one thing that is affecting our relationship.
He asks me if I’m ok dozens of times a day. He will ask me if I’m ok when I’m sitting next to him.
After I reassure him that nothing is wrong, 5 minutes later he will ask me if I’m ok. If I am in the restroom, he will ask me if I’m ok after 3 minutes of being in there.
Also, every time I sniffle, sneeze, or clear my throat from allergies, he immediately asks me if I’m sick. I tell him that I’m not sick, but he will insist that I am. Then he will start saying things like, ‘You will be too sick to work and then we won’t be able to pay rent’.
If I’m relaxed and scrolling through social media, he will say ‘What’s wrong?!’ in a panicked voice. I will respond, ‘Nothing is wrong. I’m just scrolling and relaxing.’ He will insist that my face appears to be troubled.
Sometimes he will ask me if I’m ok or ask what’s wrong so many times, that I become very overwhelmed and develop chest pains.
He’s a grown man and I’m not trying to insult him at all, but the feeling I get is the same feeling I get when my 4 children become overwhelming and I need a mommy break. Sometimes I need a break from him. We have gotten into numerous fights because he claims that I ‘don’t like him caring about me.'”
Another User Comments:
“It’s very kind that he is so attentive, but what you describe sounds very much like certain symptoms of anxiety, and anxiety disorders often increase a person’s perceived desire for control. It sounds like he’s perseverating about very extreme results of innocuous things (that cough is the first sign of lung cancer!) and overanalyzing you out of an anxiety-borne desire to KNOW what’s going on at all times.
I’d suggest that you explain, calmly, that when he worries about the big consequences of small things, or asks if you’re alright a dozen times after something extremely minor (e.g., frowning on your phone) it makes you feel stressed and surveilled. Ask him why he’s so concerned about what could POSSIBLY be wrong and perhaps assure him that if something were up, you’d tell him.
I’d also suggest he talk to someone. I know everyone always jumps to that, but this time it seems necessary. NTJ.” aemondstareye
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like your partner is suffering from some pretty severe anxiety or maybe another mental illness like OCD. The level of distress and anxiety he is expressing is likely the tip of the iceberg and he most likely will need professional help to overcome it.
This behavior is him trying to self-soothe. It is normal to seek a little reassurance and comfort from time to time or to worry about the welfare of our loved ones, but this behavior is intrusive and excessive and it’s not doing him any favors if he cannot relieve his anxiety without constant reassurance.
I know you are worried about upsetting him, but you must suggest seeing a doctor about this because it is not going to get better without intervention.” voidlampwife
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Awful Sister To My Wedding?
“I (27F) am getting married to my fiancé (‘Tyler’, 30M) in a little over 8 months, we’ve been together for almost 4 years and have had nothing but problems with my younger sister, we’ll call her ‘Kayla’ for the sake of this story (24F).
What started out as Kayla getting angry with me over not wanting my house to be viewed as the party house for her and her friends, then turned into her telling everyone I was having an affair. There has been an ongoing argument between her and me for a little over 3 years now.
I had tried to ‘bury the hatchet’ and decided to invite her to my house to celebrate my 25th birthday as well as my and Tyler’s engagement.
During the celebration, Kayla was running her mouth and saying that I was being unfaithful while asking everyone if they had any illegal stuff, so I had to ask her to leave and an altercation broke out.
Cops were called and after that night I decided it was best to cut all contact with her, and haven’t spoken to her since.
This past week my mom stated that Kayla would be attending my wedding and I have no say in the matter because ‘b***d is b***d’ and ‘Kayla is family’.
With that being said Tyler and I had collectively agreed that Kayla was not welcome at our wedding and an invitation would not be sent to her prior to the conversation with my mom.
Due to all the previous issues that Kayla has created, I would prefer not to have any additional stress added to a day that will be stressful enough without her being included. So AITJ for not wanting to invite my sister to my wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“You need to have a conversation with your mother. Tell her in no uncertain terms, that your sister is not, will not, under any circumstances, be present at your wedding or reception. Her past actions have proven that she has no respect for you or your relationship.
So your mother has a choice to make. She can support you, as her daughter, or she can support your sister and skip the wedding as well.
If she chooses your sister, then it shows you that she condones your sister’s behavior, and you will have to decide if you want/need someone like that in your life.
Your mother can either choose to be an adult, and realize that your sister’s actions have consequences, or she can be bitter and angry with you for ‘not being the bigger person’. Truth is, she needs to be angry at herself for enabling this abhorrent behavior in the first place.” HoosierBeaver
Another User Comments:
“OP, ask your fiancé and yourself which is more important: BEING married to each other or GETTING married to each other. If your answer is being married, elope! You can always host a private party when you return from your honeymoon. Just ensure the guest list is very exclusive.
If your answer is getting married, hire a lot of security and be prepared for the golden child that is your sister to do everything in her power to ruin your day. I am so sorry you are not receiving any support from your mother.
Tyler and you are NTJ. I think your mother, and especially your sister, have their photographs hanging in the Jerk Hall of Fame! Congratulations and may you and Tyler have a long and happy marriage.” User
14. AITJ For Trying To Make My Mom Move Out?
“I (37M) have IBS, constantly struggling with gastro issues, I lived in a toxic/abusive relationship for about 6 years, and my ex got tired of taking care of me when I got sick and complained I ruined everything we did.
After that break up I got into a very bad depression. Mom (69F) had recently divorced so when I recovered I decided I wanted to buy my own place, as she was alone and I was not thinking about being with anybody I invited her to move in and rent her house.
She got used to the new house quickly. 2 years passed and I met this guy (27M), I got sick on our second meet-up, he took me to the doctor, and he started to plan our trips and dates around my issues. I love dogs but my mom never allowed pets and he was very loving with street dogs, so I fell for him.
I decided to introduce them, and it was all fine but then after 3 years, we decided to move in together and adopt a little dog from the street.
Mom was uncomfortable but ok, my partner was diagnosed with a mental illness related to psychosis but he was fine as long as he took his meds.
When we adopted our second dog my mom started complaining about the hair and the smell and ‘contaminated’ food.
From there they started to have bad days and good days, she would criticize everything he did, and even when sick she was horrible with him, telling him his food was gross and that she did not want anything from him, so we started to cook double meals.
I have a full-time job, he has a more flexible schedule so he was the cook, assisting my mom put a lot of pressure on me so we started to get more stressed and fought over stupid things.
Their relationship got worse after our 3rd dog and he started to be very vocal and respond to her loudly and slam doors on his way out.
I tried to deal with them and be neutral but they would only blame the other and make me take sides.
My IBS is way worse, his psychosis is more frequent now and my mom is all bitter. I had a nervous breakdown and started to go to therapy and my doctor advised me about living only with my partner, as my mom decided to not go out with anyone or marry again and stay alone but that was not my responsibility but hers.
I have another 3 siblings and fights started to move outside the house to them as they would guilt-trip me for not defending my mom. I got to the conclusion that their relationship is broken and that she should go back to her house or rent a place with her income from her house.
When I told her she said that he was manipulating me, that I was going again into the same pattern, and that she could not live alone because she is older now.
7 years on and my partner is still very caring to me and our dogs and is very different when she is not around but lately is always in a bad mood and basically gave me an ultimatum.
Is it true that she is too old now to live alone?
Am I blind to his aggressive side?
I’m frustrated and don’t know what to do anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for asking your mom to leave. YTJ if you continue to allow your mom to be abusive to your spouse.
However your mother feels about living alone, she put herself in that position by not respecting your partner. Also, you helped create this. You should never have remained neutral and should have stopped her criticisms as soon as they started. You can continue on as you are until your partner leaves and you will be alone with your mom again.
Or you can stand up for your partner and make your mother move out.” lgsavelle
Another User Comments:
“Three dogs is a lot. I actually don’t think anyone is really a jerk. You changed a LOT of the living conditions (probably without asking your mom for her take as your housemate.) Sit her down and calmly discuss that it might be time for her to go back to her house.
Give her plenty of notice so she can give notice to her tenants. I’m not sure the guy is fabulous. but you won’t really know until it is the two of you. It might be that it’s time for you to learn how great living ALONE can be.
That doesn’t make any of you jerks. No jerks here.” Amazing-Wave4704
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it’s your house, there’s no reason you can’t have dogs to begin with. It sounds like that was the main start of her issues. It also sounds like she may be aggravating your partner’s mental health, which is obviously going to make them more upset and have more episodes.
I would personally say give her an ultimatum. Deal with the dogs and your partner, and get along with them, or move out. It’s your house, and in turn your rules.” lillian1212
I am 10 years older and live alone. I have many friends elwell onto their 80s who live al8be and one friend is 90 abdckuves alone. Shee does have to depend on a friend to drive her to doctor or store for groceries because of her eyes. The others of us in our 70s snd 80s not only live alone by still drive and still travel both nationally snd internationally. We all have very active social lives even though most are singje through death or divorce. We play bridge, we volunteer for different charities, some even work part-time and one friend is 75 and still working full-time in a highly stressful job in the financial district in NYC. That argument doesn't float. Sounds like you need mom out for your own mental health. Don't jet anyone try to guilt yiuvibto allowing ner to stay. If you're siblings are so concerned tell ttem any one of ttem are welcome to keep her in their home
13. AITJ For Not Paying My Sister The $300 She Lent Me?
“I (21F) am currently living with my middle sister (30F). Before moving in, I talked to my middle sister about any bills, she told me to not worry about anything, that I wouldn’t be paying for anything, and to just focus on my tattooing.
At the time I was an apprentice at a tattoo shop, I was not tattooing at the moment but would still gain tips from my coworkers.
Even though she said I wouldn’t pay any bills, I gave her any bit of money I had to help with stuff like groceries, or any bills, or I would buy her and her kids food when she couldn’t afford it.
I truly was grateful that my sister took care of me, I had no bills but I did my very best to take care of things for her, such as picking up her kids from school, cleaning the apartment while she worked, and making dinner before she got home.
I saved enough money to buy a small used car, she and I went to get it registered, and the tags were expired, so I had to pay a $300 fee. I didn’t have the money on me at the moment but my sister looked at me and said, ‘I will take care of it’.
She didn’t mention anything about paying her back so I assumed she was helping me.
Everything was going smoothly until she started going through some things with her husband and eventually took it out on me. She started demanding money from me every night before bed, making threats such as, ‘If you don’t pay me I will throw all your belongings outside, and you’ll need to find somewhere else to go because I don’t want you here anymore.’
Every night she threatened to kick me out and I would just cry. Some comments she made were, ‘You aren’t my family’, or ‘I don’t care about you only my kids’. She told me I had a specific date to be out by and if I wasn’t gone, she was just gonna start throwing everything.
I got tired one day and after she left for work, I packed my things and left. I didn’t know where to go but just drove. My older sister called me and I filled her in on everything. My older sister scolded my sister for what she did, and my middle sister said, ‘I didn’t think she would actually leave.’
I haven’t spoken to or seen my middle sister in almost a year and to this day, she still sends me messages asking for her money.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you should be working a job aside from your apprenticeship until you are hired as a full-time artist. You’re 21 and realistically are a financial burden to your sister despite her good intentions.
She and her husband are probably arguing about you living there for free. Especially since you mention that they sometimes don’t have food. The 300 dollars she lent you is a huge amount for her right now. Of course she wants you to pay her back in a timely manner.
Stop playing the victim, she was very generous to house you. Get a job and pay her back as soon as possible.” Awkward-Doubt-9649
Another User Comments:
“Here’s why I think you’re a liar… you went to register your vehicle and once you got there told here you didn’t have any money on you.
Why not? Did you think it was free? Why didn’t you tell her you had no money upfront before she took you? Did she know ahead of time you had no money? She didn’t explicitly say… I’ll loan you this as a donor a gift?
Well now you know it wasn’t so pay her back, for Pete’s sake, she needs the money. Only a real fine jerk EVER says oh it was a gift I don’t have to pay you. They determine whether or not it was a gift, not you.
Pay her her money! She did you a favor and this is how you act? Like someone did you wrong? Yeah, you suck.” No_Scarcity8249
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, let’s face it, you got to live rent and bill-free so you could pursue your apprenticeship, without your sister you would have had to get a job.
None of this ‘nobody is hiring’ nonsense you would have HAD to. Let’s ignore that lots of people work part-time on top of studying. Your sister didn’t need to start threatening to kick you out, that was out of line, however, it was ridiculous to think the 300 wasn’t just for convenience at the moment.
And you were a burden. It may have been too short a deadline for you to meet but it’s been over a year since then and you haven’t even attempted to make this right. Cut her some slack, her relationship fell apart, and when faced with bills her little sister chose to dip and go no contact than financially contribute.” t0ppings
12. AITJ For Wanting To Split The Bills With My Fiance?
“My fiancé and I are in our 40s. I have two teens and he has 3. I have sole custody of mine and get good child support.
He pays child support for his 3 as they are with us 50/50. He moved into my small house 5 years ago. I finished my basement to create bedrooms for his kids (happily) and took out two home loans to do that renovation and to help him finish a major investment property project.
During that time he paid a small portion towards home bills – not half – and I ‘held down the fort’ so to speak. Now that the project is done, the home loans repaid, we are finally planning a wedding and we talked about finally being even on home expenses here.
When we sat down to do it, he began questioning whether he should be paying 50/50 towards the mortgage since I get a good amount of money in child support… and suggested that I should pay a portion of the mortgage with child support and then take that off the top and we could split what was left. I tried to explain that child support is applied to a lot besides food, shelter, and clothing.
I have sole custody and everything I provide for my two teens is supplemented by the support I receive – be it the home, the things that go in it, the nice clothes, makeup, skincare, extracurricular activities, the trips I take them and the rest of the family on, the nice dinners out, the nice experiences they have, as well as the grocery budget, etc.
Am I the jerk for feeling like I’m being nickeled and dimed? Especially after holding down the fort for years?”
Another User Comments:
“Something doesn’t feel right to me. You took out 2 home loans to renovate so his kids have bedrooms in YOUR home and to also help fund his investment property project?
Is that right? Does he own the investment outright or have a mortgage? Does he get income from the investment property? Does the income cover the mortgage?
As far as going forward, you own your home, and he owns his investment property. If his investment pays the mortgage on that property, then he has no outlay there.
But you still have a mortgage and you’re still on the hook for the loans you took out. Since you obviously have debt related to his moving in, he should be more than willing to split all the house bills equally, including the mortgage.
Please tell us that you’re planning on having separate finances, with one joint account you both put money in to cover home bills.” Mentalcomposer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You two should sit and go over finances. Maybe equate what you both make, minus child support (what he pays and what you get), and then look at the leftover and go off percentage (so if you make 60% of the income, you pay 60 and he pays 40%).
Or just tell him that you were the one who financed the place and put in the money towards the home and his kids. You took the loans out. You did the majority of the bills, but that is no longer an option. His choices are to pay half or he can look for somewhere else to live if he feels that isn’t fair.” HappyLifeCoffeeHelps
11. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Stand Up For Himself?
“My partner is a very sweet guy. He’s very compassionate, mostly quiet, and a very good listener. He’s not a doormat though and definitely can stand up for himself and does most of the time, except for his best friend who I’ll call Brandon.
They’ve known each other for years and my partner really looks up to Brandon and loves him as a brother almost. But Brandon is honestly kind of a jerk. His whole aura is a massive red flag. He’s also the complete opposite of my partner.
Always needs to be the center of attention, loud, and just jerky.
And whenever he’s around, my partner does whatever he says. Brandon could literally say ‘jump’ and my partner would ask ‘How high’. It’s honestly frustrating to see how he bosses him around and talks down to him sometimes.
Yesterday kinda was the last straw for me. My partner and I were watching a movie when he got a message and then had to leave. I asked him what was wrong and he said he had to get Brandon’s bag from the gym because he forgot it.
It’s just his gym stuff, he didn’t need it that night. I honestly just laughed at that and told him he was acting like a servant. We argued a bit and I admit I wasn’t very nice about it but it’s so frustrating to see my partner getting treated like this.
I called his behavior ‘sometimes kinda pathetic’.
I told him to stand up to Brandon and for himself. He said ‘That’s what friends do’ and left angrily. He’s acting all weird today, barely responding to my messages.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your language and delivery was bad, but the intention was good.
You need to sit down with your partner and have an honest, open conversation about all the red flags you’re seeing. He’s too close. He has too much history with ‘Brandon’ to recognize he’s being taken advantage of by this supposed friend. Ask your partner how he would feel if one of YOUR friends constantly did the same thing to you?
Ask him if Brandon would do the things for your partner that are constantly demanded of him? If your partner thinks Brandon would reciprocate, then tell him to test it. Every time Brandon asks a ‘favor’, then tell your partner to ask the same sort of thing of Brandon a day or two later to see how Brandon reacts.
Keep record. Use this evidence to back up your concerns. This is evidence-based fact-checking. Your partner may not like the results, or you may see your concerns are unfounded and you’ll need to reflect on the bias that represents.” Gay_andConfused
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for treating your partner the same way you criticize Brandon.
Brandon’s behavior annoys and frustrates you; it clearly doesn’t bother your partner, though, and it’s HIS relationship to navigate. Insulting and mocking your partner is not going to have the effect you want. You can set boundaries for yourself and stick with them.
For instance, if your partner leaves your romantic night out to do something for Brandon, the night is over, that would be reasonable. But you don’t have any right to tell your partner how to be friends with Brandon. Their friendship was established long before you came onto the scene.” InappropriateAccess
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the things you said, but NTJ about why you said them. You spoke down to him the same way Brandon does, and you made him feel lesser by calling him pathetic. Try to talk to him in person about it and apologize for what you said.
Then tell him how you feel about the way he’s treated and let him know the reason you’re bringing it up is coming from a place of love and respect. You respect him, and you expect and think he deserves the same respect from others.” davethapeanut
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take My Sister's Partner's Kids To The Concert?
“I (26F) have a niece (15F).
She is my sister’s oldest child and for the longest time was her only child. My sister started going out with her partner who has two older boys (16 and 17) about 2 years ago, he and his kids now live with my sister.
A little backstory: My niece and I have always been close; we have very similar interests, and she is a mini-me.
We read, listen to music, and enjoy the same foods. I love her as if she were my own kid. I recently (about a year ago) moved out of my hometown, so I don’t get to spend as much time with my niece as I used to.
The move was hard on her, but we do still get to talk on the phone and text each other plus hang out on my occasional visits back home.
My niece has confided in me that the two boys have been giving her a hard time at home.
They lock her in her room, steal food and blame it on her, and constantly call her nasty names with no repercussions from either their dad or my sister. I spoke to my sister about this and she said that I ‘should stay out of it’ since they weren’t my kids and she knows how to handle her household.
The issue: Last weekend I went for my usual visit and of course, my niece and I started talking about music. While talking we saw that one of our favorite artists is going on tour. She asked if we could go see them and I told her I would talk to her mom about it as we would have to make a 4-hour drive and most likely stay the night in a hotel.
I also gave her the condition that she had to get A’s in her classes for me to take her. She agreed.
When I went to drop off my niece I spoke to my sister 1 on 1 and told her about the concert. While talking to her about it she cut me off asking why I wasn’t taking the boys as well.
I looked at her a little confused and told her that those boys were her partner’s kids, and I had no bond with them (not for lack of trying though). They never want to hang out, don’t join in on family events, and always disappear when everyone gets together, they disrespect her only daughter and are constantly being suspended at school.
I told her I would not reward that type of behavior and would only be taking my niece, especially if it was on my dime.
My sister said I was an inconsiderate jerk, and that I was playing favorites with her kids. I told her that I tried repeatedly to hang out with them, get them to talk to me, or even have a meal with me/family but they always refused and shut down when asked questions about themselves.
My sister said I would not be allowed to take my niece unless I took the boys too and she wouldn’t give me a dime for the trip. I told her I would give her time to think it over and we would talk later but she said she wouldn’t change her mind.
So am I the jerk in this situation? I don’t think I am since I don’t even know if they like the artist we want to see but I feel horrible now. I have no idea what to tell my niece.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You wouldn’t have to take them with you even if you actually had one bit of bond or personal relationship. It’s your and your niece’s favorite artist, not theirs. And this is a good chance for you two to spend some meaningful time together and have a great experience.
Too bad that your sister sounds like a truly horrible jerk and unfortunately your niece is caught in between this crap.
If her home situation is actually as bad as you described I’d personally prepare myself to invite her to stay with you (if that’s feasible and something you’d both want of course) as soon as she’s of legal age.
I’d do it right now but I guess her mom would never allow it, despite being not invested at all in her care and happiness. I feel really sorry for this girl but at least she’s got you. Never give up on that bond and look for other meaningful and positive experiences you can have together.
It’ll get better over time.” Emotional-Sorbet-759
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Even if they were actually nice and b***d siblings of your niece and therefore your nephews and you were close, there would be no reason to not take your niece on a girly night out doing something you both enjoy.
The same as I wouldn’t expect any of my kids to have to have their other siblings tag along somewhere.
My mum when she was able, would often take one of the kids for one-on-one time, with no expectations from any of us that she did the same for all of them at the same time.
But I’m talking about kids she has known, so their lives and she has a close loving bond with.
Your sister is being unreasonable and unfair to her daughter. I suspect she isn’t that happy in her relationship, feels insecure, or is having problems with the boys herself and wants to use you as a buffer so she doesn’t have to deal with them.
How she is disregarding their actions against her own daughter is disgraceful. It sounds like the fear of losing her relationship with her partner is bigger than the fear of the loss of her relationship with her daughter, which is no doubt going to happen.” Sammiebear_143
9. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Help With The Baby For More Than 3 Hours Every Night?
“My husband and I have a 6-week-old baby boy. He is on paternity leave from the Army, and I left my job permanently to be a stay-at-home mom. He will be going back to work in a couple of weeks and he brought up what our schedule will be when that happens.
Right now, the baby eats and goes to bed between 10 and 11 pm. He stays asleep until around 5 am, give or take an hour some days. Previously we had discussed him doing any feeding/changes before midnight and me doing anything between midnight and morning. When he brought it up this evening he said that he’d prefer to go to bed around 9 each night because he needs to be up around 5:30 for a 6:30 report time.
I reminded him of the schedule we’d discussed previously and he said he just wouldn’t be able to function at work on 6 or fewer hours of sleep. I explained to him that if that’s the schedule that he needs or wants to keep, then the night shift will just have to be all on me.
He immediately got defensive and said he was not trying to annoy me and I didn’t need to try to make him feel guilty. I did go on to say that I’m sure other fathers in the military help with their kids overnight and still wake up and go to work in the morning.
I didn’t say that to be a jerk or combative, I was just making an observation.
I know that he is stressed about returning to work and leaving our son, and I understand that he needs to be physically and mentally sharp for his job.
We are not new to military life and I get how things are. That being said, I will be at home alone with the baby from 6 am-6 pm most days. This leaves my husband helping from 6 pm-9 pm each night. This doesn’t even account for all of the weeks and months that he will be away for training and deployments.
Once again, I get it and I did sign up for military life. That being said, I feel like it’s reasonable for me to want him to help more than 3 hours an evening.
I truly don’t feel like I’m MAKING him feel guilty intentionally.
I think if he is feeling guilt, that is on him. I did nothing but point out the reality of the situation if he wants to maintain that sleep schedule once he returns to work.
I should add that he has been wonderful and helpful and a very invested father throughout my pregnancy and these first 6 weeks of our son’s life.
I’m honestly a little bit surprised that we’re even having this disagreement.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he’s asking for over 8 hours of sleep. That’s bonkers. You’re just supposed to survive on whatever baby lets you get until when?
Forever? Hard no. He’s military so he can use his words and let you know if he’s going to have a heavy day the next day and really needs uninterrupted sleep. Otherwise, he can and should do night duty. I’ll never understand or support when men create families and leave the moms to be sleep deprived for years on end while they snore the night away with no worries.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Babies are hard on everyone. 6 hours of sleep in a row with a newborn? He’s lucky. People who have never experienced life with a newborn think it’s all sunshine and roses. It’s not. The lack of sleep is relentless. Babies feed every 3 hours when they’re awake.
People also forget how hard babies are. An acquaintance was having her second child, and had all these plans to renovate her home because maternity leave is a year here. She got none of her plans done because babies are so very demanding.” Limp_Rip6369
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help With Dropping Off And Picking Up Our Kid From Daycare?
“My wife and I have a 1-year-old kid who goes to daycare at a place right next to my wife’s school.
She is a teacher and gets the summers off. I work in an office and in an industry where there is not a ton of work-from-home or even hybrid options.
During the school year we typically both get up at 6:00 every morning and get ourselves and our son ready for the day together.
Feed the cat, let the dogs out, etc… and we leave the house around 6:45. She takes our son since daycare is right by her school and it’s about a 35-45 minute commute most days for her. I drive to work in the opposite direction for about the same amount of time.
I’ve split pickup/drop off with her a few times now for various reasons. She had to work late a few times so I’d pick him up. I’ve dropped him off a few times in the morning too during some of her week-long breaks just to give her a break.
I don’t mind doing it on occasion, but as we are approaching her summer break she’s expecting us to split dropoff/pickup duties every day. I told her I didn’t want to do that because daycare is in the opposite direction of where I work and adds probably an hour to my morning commute.
That just means I need to stay later to make up the time and since she has the summer off she is available to do both. I don’t mind splitting for special occasions, but doing it every day for 2-3 months of the year is too much.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like she wants to have the holidays to herself like she used to pre-child, and I do get this as I’m a teacher and mum, but if she wants days to herself she needs to take your toddler to daycare as extending your working day so she can have an easier day I don’t see as fair to you.
Or she can make the choice to have a more relaxed day with your child and either not take them to daycare or take them later in the day.
The other option long term is to find a daycare center close to home so that the daycare drop-off is convenient for both of you, then during the holidays you could drop them off on the way to work so she can have child-free days on the holidays (this is what I chose and it was much better for school holidays or when I was sick).” Humble_Scarcity1195
Another User Comments:
“It does seem to be a bigger burden for you to take your son vs her given the circumstances. And I can understand her wanting to enjoy some time off perhaps. Maybe you can compromise on other ways that don’t involve the drive?
For instance, on some days, she sleeps in and you do all the morning prep and she doesn’t have to wake up until you leave. Or you shift your hours on some days so you’re home early and she gets an evening to herself.
It also makes sense that some of those days when she does take him she can enjoy her day off and not be on for errands etc. I wonder if it’s less about you having to equally split the driving vs her feeling like now she just wants to enjoy some of her time off.” autumn_sunrise20
7. AITJ For Calling My Partner My Husband At My Brother's Wedding?
“I’ve (m) been with another man for 6 years now and we consider ourselves husbands, even though we cannot get married because gay marriage is illegal where we live. We’ve stopped calling each other partners since like 2 years ago and it hasn’t been news to my family.
I only call him my partner on occasion.
Fast forward to the previous week, my brother got married and he planned a big celebration for that: a wedding with a lot of relatives and friends invited.
The wedding was a great way to introduce my husband to some of the members of our extended family.
I didn’t make a big fuss out of it or anything, didn’t try to steal my brother’s spotlight, simply when asked about the man I am with by anyone in there I would say it like it is: that’s my husband, and though it has raised some questions, I explained that that’s just what I call him.
Nobody seemed to have a problem with that.
And for some reason, my brother was weirdly dissatisfied with that. A few days after the wedding, he told me that my calling my partner my husband was ridiculous because we were not actually married. I said it doesn’t matter if we have documents verifying our marriage, we consider ourselves husbands.
He took it as me belittling his marriage by saying that documents don’t actually mean anything. He said they meant something to him. I said I’m glad they do and I’m genuinely happy for him but unlike him, I can’t get legally married, that doesn’t mean I’ll stop calling my husband, a husband.
He also took that personally and called me a jerk for minimizing what marriage means to him. To this day he won’t talk to me and I’m just so confused. Did I really say or do anything wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“I think your brother is just looking at things from his point of view.
He had a wedding (which can be pretty expensive and stressful) in order to become a husband, so might feel that you’ve skipped a few steps in comparison. He may also find the idea of now being legally bound to one person for the rest of his life a little bit overwhelming or scary.
However, what your brother is failing to understand is that he has the privilege of being able to get married in the first place.
NTJ. Your explanation was fine (and level considering that you could’ve been angry yourself), I suspect that this is less about you and more about him.
He might need a little time to process things. It might be worth reconnecting with some questions in a couple of months if he doesn’t contact you before.” Choice-Lemon4500
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But, by definition, you’re not married. I can’t just call my partner my wife and it actually be true, if we’re not really married. Marriage is a word used to describe couples that have actually gone through the process, and/or have a legal contract verifying the marriage.
Saying that you’re married doesn’t make it true in the eyes of most people who are actually married.
I’ve never understood the point of getting married, to begin with, aside from the stuff like financial benefits, it’s pointless and has no other purpose other than claiming to have a permanent relationship with that person.
Really it should be inconsequential to other people whether you and your partner are married or not, especially if you’re dedicated to the person you’re with. I wouldn’t care about whether I was married. It’s just a word, and doesn’t change anything.” DragonBorneUltimatum
6. AITJ For Not Inviting My Partner On A Trip To My Grandfather's Birth Country?
“My friend ‘Alek’ and I have known each other forever because our grandfathers were friends. They became friends as a result of the Holocaust. They grew up in the same area, and my great-aunt saved Alek’s grandfather’s life. They survived and emigrated to the same country where they remained friends their whole lives.
Our families are very connected.
Last month, on the anniversary of my grandfather’s death, Alek and I began discussing taking a trip to my grandfather’s birth country, and other places associated with their lives. We decided to take the trip for three weeks early next year.
My partner ‘Ezra’ is mad that I didn’t invite him. I told him this was a trip about my and Alek’s family history, and something we wanted to do together to connect with our heritage, it’s not a resort vacation. He said he was hurt that I didn’t want to share this with him.
I keep telling him this isn’t chicken nuggets and I don’t want to share, this is something that just patently doesn’t include him and something I just want to do with Alek, and he’s being irrationally jealous.
Friends I’ve spoken to say I absolutely have the right to go, but they don’t blame him for being hurt that I want to go traveling with another guy.
They say I should maybe invite him for a few days of the trip and if I don’t want him to come to specific places that’s fine but I should find a way to include him on the trip. I don’t think I should have to invite him just to pander to his jealousy and fear of missing out.
AITJ for not inviting him?
Ezra and I have been officially together for 3 months. We were very casually saying for five months before that but I don’t count that as us being ‘together’ because he was seeing other people.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ezra is barely your partner.
He may not even BE your partner by the time you go on this trip. Alek is a lifelong friend who is going to be around way after Ezra. Even if this was a more long-term partner, I still don’t think you would be a jerk for wanting to take what is going to be a very special, and probably very emotionally charged, trip with a friend who has a similar background and is going to understand what you’re going through.
The very short-term nature of the relationship is just icing on the cake. Also, you call your partner ‘Ezra’ which is a Hebrew name, but is Ezra Jewish (religiously or ethnically)? Because if Ezra is also not Jewish, this trip is not going to have the same meaning to him.” Aggressive_Pass845
Another User Comments:
“I think you are completely in the right to not invite him. However, he has the right to feel upset. I am not sure how you communicated this with him. However, if you explained clearly the significance of this trip and the reasons why then it is what it is.
He’ll have to learn to deal with it.
You don’t always have to do things together, and I wonder if he’d be reacting this way if Alek was female. He might interpret you not wanting to share this with him as something more. But again, there are things/experiences that you do not have to share.
Friends have things that they want to do solely together and this is clearly something that is one of them. Especially since it is something that Alek and you have wanted to do for a very long time and prior to you being with your partner.” Tokio990
5. AITJ For Not Telling My Wife About My High School Best Friend's Death?
“A few years ago, my marriage was in bad shape and my wife suddenly moved out. It was a bad time for me all around, as I was on the verge of being laid off from work, and the kids were struggling with school (as well as not understanding what was going on with their mom and dad).
During the separation, I learned that my best friend from high school died. He lived several states away, so we essentially never saw each other, but we shared holiday cards and occasional updates by email.
I didn’t mention it to my wife at the time; we weren’t talking, after all.
A few months later, she came back. We went through some counseling and worked through some of our issues. I would not say our relationship is perfect, but it seems to be working now.
One of the things I did NOT talk about, during counseling or otherwise, was the death of my friend.
I thought about it often, but it just never fit with anything else we were talking about.
Until last week. She asked me how he was doing, and if I still keep up with him. I told her that he died, and when she asked, I told her when, and when I found out about it.
She’s mad that I didn’t tell her and that I kept it bottled up for so long. Upon reflection, I admit that part of my reason for not mentioning it is that I am still bitter about the separation (worst birthday ever!), although I think we made a lot of progress.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, you should have brought it up at some point… but y’all are working through heavy emotions trying to rebuild your marriage, this is a mistake/oversight worthy of a pass. Your wife also isn’t wrong for having some negative feelings about you keeping it to yourself and keeping it bottled up – it sounds like communication and managing feelings is an issue y’all are working on and I’m sure that was a defeating moment for her.
Marriage is hard, rebuilding a marriage is hard.” xhlynx
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Pain hurts; you still hurt from the loss, from the separation, from the fact that the loss happened during the separation and she wasn’t there when you needed her… and you’re both not 100% yet.
I don’t blame you for not mentioning it. And I also don’t blame her for being upset about that, about you still not being comfortable letting her know about your pain.
It sounds like you’re both doing your best, and it’s going to take time, and you’re kind of clawing your way back together again inch by painful inch.
I hope you are able to open up and be emotionally supported by her; I hope she is able to open up and be emotionally supported by you. It takes time, and work. You know that. And it sounds like you’re doing the work and you’re taking the time.
I’m sure there are still emotional hurts you are both not sharing with each other. Just… keep building, y’know?” IanDOsmond
4. AITJ For Giving My Daughter The Same Name My Brother Gave To His Late Baby?
“My (36M) brother Atishay (37M) had his first child recently, but she passed away due to crib death. They’ve been distraught about it, including my sister-in-law.
A few months later, my wife Riya (33F) got pregnant with our child, and it turned out to be a girl. For our naming ceremony, we selected the same ‘Karthika’ after much discussion.
When I informed Atishay and my sister-in-law about it, he seemed startled/shocked, and told me ‘That was what we were going to call our daughter.’ I did not know that, so I said sorry for bringing up that topic accidentally.
He demanded that I change the name immediately. I said that I cannot do that. This discussion was on the same day that the ceremony was supposed to be held. I was not supposed to inform anyone about what name we were going to assign the child (as per Hindu tradition), but they pestered me a lot & I gave in.
I said that I was not going to change when the ceremony was going to be held in a few minutes, especially since that would be inauspicious.
They began to accuse me of doing it deliberately, called me horrible, etc. But I did not relent & went ahead with it.
The ceremony’s over now, and it’s her legal name. But they’re demanding that I change the gazette to name her something else and were calling me names again. I told them that it was too much to demand such a thing, and asked them to stop.
They’re not talking to me now.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“If they never announced the name they planned to give the child there was no way for you to have known. It’s impossible for you to have done this ‘deliberately’. Yes, they are being unreasonable but I can understand that with the pain of losing a child reason goes out the window.
Their demands, on the day of the ceremony were awkward and troublesome, for sure. Personally, I would give them space to grieve and come to terms with what has happened. But, NO, you are NOT the jerk.” BengalBBQ
Another User Comments:
“Okay. I recognize that we are from two very different cultures, and I am not overly knowledgeable about Hinduism, so feel free to educate me if I have anything wrong here.
NTJ. You did not know the name they chose due to religious procedure, and it was too late to change your child’s name when you found out. If they wanted you to not use that name (for a very valid reason), they should have spoken to you about it way before the naming ceremony.
‘We would like to ask you to please not use the name, Karthika, as it was the name of our daughter.’ I’m sure you would have understood and chosen a different name if they had been upfront, but to wait until the last minute, and then blame you for not jumping to what they wanted you to do is not fair.” Queen_Sized_Beauty
3. AITJ For Proving To My Wife That She Can't Do My Job?
“This issue started when my wife left for a week for a girls’ trip. The kids are all in school and I took over as the main caregiver when she was gone. It went well and when she came back she asked if I had trouble.
I told her no and everything went smoothly. This started an argument about how I thought it was so easy that she was a stay-at-home mom. It wasn’t a good time and I already was pushing her to go back to work part-time since the kids were in school.
We have talked about her looking for a job around summer. The issue now is I work from home twice a week and every time she sees my screen or I complain about work she tells me she can do it. I have talked to her about it and nothing has changed. That if she did it it would go smoothly.
I thought back on our argument and asked her about it, but she denied it had anything to do with it.
So she won’t stop and I had enough of it today. I was trying to figure out why there was an error in my code.
She saw what I was doing and told me she could do that. I told her to go ahead and make a copy that she could work on. Well, she tried for about five minutes until she gave up. I reiterated that if she can do my job, then find the error.
This started a huge argument about making her look like an idiot and now she isn’t talking to me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, if I may give some advice as someone who’s been married 30-plus years: Clearly she expected you to fail while she was gone, and that wasn’t very nice.
But if being a stay-at-home mom is her whole identity, it may have been a bit of an ego blow to find out you handled it while also working full-time.
You say you want her to get a part-time job; maybe she’s afraid there isn’t anything she would be good at?
My advice is this: build her up. Tell her that while you were able to handle the kids while she was gone, you don’t think the job of a stay-at-home mom is an easy one. Give her concrete examples of things she is good at doing or skills she has that could transfer into paid work.
Maybe suggest she take some classes or do a certification program, to increase her job skills/better her career path.
I was out of the workforce as a stay-at-home mom for several years and it was scary to jump back in. Be her cheerleader and encourager.
You catch more flies with honey, etc.” DYITB
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s insecure about her stay-at-home mom status now that the kids are at school and you’ve asked her to get a job but she doesn’t want to. Seeing that everything went fine without her reinforced that she should probably think about getting at least a part-time job and she doesn’t like that so she unfairly lashed out at you.
She was hoping that you’d struggle so that she could stay at home and have reason to say you ‘need’ her but that didn’t happen and people generally react badly when real life doesn’t follow the script they’d planned out in their head.
If your family needs more money and your kids are at school, she should get at least a part-time job.” Banraisincookies
2. AITJ For Backing Out On Going To My Friend's Dry Wedding?
“My buddy (33M) is getting married to a girl that our friend group is not in love with. He loves her though so we support him. We have known for months this was a New Year’s Eve wedding. I RSVP’d yes months ago with my wife.
Several friends and I operated under the assumption that there would be booze at the wedding, especially considering it was on New Year’s Eve. Well, I found out yesterday that it is a dry wedding, turns out it is because of his fiancee and her family.
I asked my wife if she knew this and she said no and was mad. I texted the groom buddy and asked. He confirmed this. I told him this is something you should have told us a long time ago. I told him that my wife and I wouldn’t be going.
We want to spend the night drinking.
I texted the rest of my friends about this and oh boy, the group chat went off. This led to several more people backing out. This is not how a bunch of us expected to spend New Year’s Eve.
Really the only ones that didn’t back out are the 4 members of our 12-person group that are in the wedding.
My groom buddy reached out to me and went off. Pretty much he is now overspending on catering, he is having 20ish fewer guests show up than planned and this is all last minute.
I’ve been called a jerk among other things for ‘leading the charge’ in people not going to the wedding. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It is one night of your life and you’re backing out because you… a man in your 30s… can’t get wasted. Meanwhile, the couple has already spent the money so I would hope that you will gift him the equivalent amount in a gift – but I suspect not.
Your friends are also jerks but you did lead the charge. Your immaturity is absolutely screaming. I would have expected this of someone a decade younger. The groom didn’t owe you any explanations about how he was conducting his wedding. That being said you probably should have titled this ‘ex-friend’ because, in my opinion, there’s no coming back from this.
You and your other friends have just given the bride and groom the biggest ‘screw you’ possible.” KathAlMyPal
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I can’t believe any of you are in your thirties, all of you are acting like a bunch of children, including your friend who not only demanded that everyone makes their New Year’s Eve (a night of tradition for many people) all about them but seemingly intentionally taking drinking out of one of the most drinking-related days of the year for himself and all of his friends.
Beyond that, though, I’ve never seen such a clear picture from such a small story of how the entire group is just a bunch of jerks. You don’t ‘support’ each other in any sense of the word, you just go through the motions and trash-talk each other behind each other’s backs.
At least your friend has the courage to confront you personally for costing him thousands of dollars by ruining his wedding mere days before it happens.” downvot2blivion
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you RSVP’d yes, and are now backing out less than a week before the wedding.
That’s rude unless it’s an emergency. Wanting to get wasted is not an emergency. What is preventing you from attending the wedding, and then going somewhere after to celebrate New Year’s? Are they actually getting married at midnight? While I’m tempted to say ‘everyone sucks here’ because I don’t like people using a holiday for their wedding and they should have told you from the start it would be dry, you all are putting the need to drink for ONE NIGHT over your friendship with this guy.
And that is pretty crappy.” Jerseygirl2468
1. AITJ For Wanting My Husband's Grandma To Leave?
“Grannie is in her late 60s (68). My husband and I are 30. She usually lives in India but she’s on holiday staying at our house right now.
My MIL (grannie’s daughter) is also staying with us. The original intention was that Grannie would be here for around a month and then fly with MIL to MIL’s home.
Ever since Grannie arrived on the weekend she’s been criticising me and MIL.
Everything we do seems to be wrong or something she can do better.
From the first day, she’s been complaining about the guest room she’s in. Everything from the fact that it’s technically our toddler’s room to the fact that the sun DOESN’T rise on that side of the house to the type of hand soap in the en suite.
She went to my MIL and told her that my husband and I should give up our room to Grannie. MIL told her no. So she went to my husband. Husband said it’s our room and we prepared the guest room for you. She’s still not happy.
Tonight when I came up to bed I found her under the covers in my bed! Like Goldilocks! I told her she needed to move and she wouldn’t. We went back and forth, my MIL came and yelled at her for being unreasonable, and then eventually I called my husband who physically, but gently, steered her out of the room.
I told my husband I was not happy with her staying in our house, and that she needed to go.
He thinks that would be a jerk thing to do because she’s an elder and we shouldn’t embarrass her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Grannie has no manners and no concept of how to be a polite and gracious guest. She has obviously worn out her welcome and needs to leave. The complaining and criticizing would be enough for you to ask her to leave, much less the bed incident.
Elder or not, there comes a point where any person crosses a line and needs to face the consequences of what they have done. And if she is embarrassed by what happens, then maybe she will think twice before doing it again.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have to wonder if she is acting that entitled because she had been forced to give up her bed for the oldest woman in the family when she was young, and she feels she is due the royal treatment now that she is the oldest. Your husband needs to be firm and tell her that whatever she thought before she arrived, the reality is that she is not entitled to a single thing that has not been offered to her and that she must learn to be a good guest, expressing only kindness and appreciation to the family or he will put her on the next plane home.” WantToBelieveInMagic
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