People Want Us To Know Their Side Of Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
13. AITJ For Not Doing Anything While My Husband Was Extremely Ill?
“My (27f) husband ‘Tim’ (36m) has a serious dairy allergy. I’m talking about an actual immune system reaction, not intolerance. His allergy is serious enough to cause acute Enterocolitis (an inflammation that occurs in a person’s digestive tract), but he hasn’t needed an epi-pen since he was a kid.
I work full time and also have some seasonal work this holiday season because Tim has been without work, and finances have been very tight.
As a result, I barely get to rest. The holiday is especially hard, and I found myself getting just one day off every 2 weeks for almost 2 months straight. As you can imagine, that day off means the universe to me.
Now, Tim LOVES dairy, and will sometimes intentionally eat things that trigger his allergy. Lately, it’s gotten out of hand, with him going from one risky meal every 4-6 months, to every 2 or so weeks.
In fact, it always seemed to coincidentally line up with my time off, and I found myself spending my one-day taking care of him. Last week, I finally asked him if he was intentionally timing it to line up with my day off. I fully expected him to say no, but he admitted that he was doing it to make sure that he’d have a nurse, and so he’d have someone close by in case he had an especially adverse reaction and needed a hospital.
I was livid and told him that he was selfish, robbing me of my rest. I said that if he made himself sick again, I wouldn’t take care of him. I’m exhausted and I need to decompress. He didn’t say much, so I thought he’d heard me.
Fast forward to Friday night. I get home from work, and a few minutes in, Tim gets a pizza delivered.
I ask him why, when I’m making dinner and he shrugs. I ask if a large garlic Alfredo pizza is worth the pain, and remind him that I won’t be giving up my rest day again. He smirks and eats an entire slice while grinning at me. I left it at that and went back to my dinner.
Predictably, he got sick, profusely vomiting, retching, and groaning from the intense cramping and diarrhea.
I slept in the guest room to get away from the sound and smell. He called for me several times and I repeatedly told him no. Hours later, he was still sick and woke me up at the crack of dawn to go get him Pedialyte and meds because he was very dehydrated and still in pain. I told him to order it in and asked him to get out and let me sleep.
He was still whimpering when I eventually got up to shower and eat. Again, I did nothing to help or comfort him. By evening, he was sulking, and by morning when I had to work, he was enraged. He yelled, and by the end of the day, he’d told our friends and family that he nearly died and I neglected him. His family accused me of passively trying to get rid of him.
His mom called, shouting that he could’ve had a life-threatening reaction due to my petty actions and that I’m a trashy wife for not minding his health. I’m starting to feel guilty because she’s right and he could’ve been seriously hurt.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s a big problem and you should do something about it.
Your husband is making himself voluntary sick on your day off so that you care about him.
Maybe he’s depressed? If so he need help for a professional not you
He is seeking your attention and care because you’re working so much? If so he’s a grown-up and could have said so and communicated with you (or… you know… find a job?)
He is doing it to manipulate you and the family and friends around you to think that you are a bad woman and you don’t care about him.
You need to have a talk with him to see which one of those is true and in two cases out of three you should consider if you want to stay with a man like him.
Also, I want to point out the big red flag who is: he spoke to everybody around you to say that you were mistreating him and how much of a bad woman you are.
This is disrespectful and also could cause problems to your reputation with everybody. I would send a global message to everybody explaining the truth: your grown-up spouse is making himself voluntary sick and he’s doing it on your only day off so that you are his nurse.” Gobadorgosleep
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I was 100% ready to say YTJ after that title, but your post was not what I expected.
I can’t believe he is not working while you are off once every two weeks. A schedule like that can make people crazy, and your partner should be doing everything he can to help you while he finds a new job. I’m glad he told you the truth, that is definitely a plus, but the reality of this situation is no joke. If he used to have life-threatening reactions to dairy, the chance of one happening again is never zero.
He is out of work and rolling the dice on his life every two weeks, IS HE OKAY? That is not rational behavior. I would be WORRIED.
For Pete’s sake, he got the most dairy pizza of them all. And let’s be honest, alfredo pizza is not THAT good. If he ends up in the hospital, can your tight finances even sustain the cost? I don’t know how you feel about it, but to me life-threatening incidents are traumatizing.
They can stick with you for months or even forever. Now, on to the manipulation. What does he have to gain by rallying friends and family to shame you? MIL can shut up, she has no say in your marriage and needs to find her lane asap. This basically leads right back to IS HE OKAY? What is the goal; to bring himself to the brink of death every two weeks only to have you save him? I hope my words convey just how insane I think this entire situation is.” DrewBot13
Another User Comments:
“I feel like I jump to ‘it’s abuse’ so darn much in these posts, but honestly, so many of them really do show patterns and signs.
OP, your partner isn’t working and is home all day, while you work multiple jobs to the point you have only one day off every two weeks. And yet you are the one cooking dinner when you get home? If Tim is without work he could and should be taking on the bulk of household duties while he looks for other employment, including cooking.
More importantly though, one of the more subtle ways that abusive partners, or partners starting to fall into abusive patterns, will engage in abuse is through sabotaging their partner’s ability to rest.
That might mean interrupting your sleep by staying up late being loud, or getting up early and insisting on creating noise in the bedroom. (Mine would get up before me and then keep waking me to ask where his socks, boxers, jeans, t-shirt, etc all were). Or it might mean that every time you get sick and need to rest, he coincidentally gets sick at the exact same time and claims to have caught it from you (even though most illness gestation would mean it’d hit him days later), and seem to have it so much worse than you so you wind up babying him while you’re barely upright.
Or, it might look like sabotaging your rest days so that you’re unable to spend them on any of the activities that would actually help you recover.
This works because an exhausted partner, one who is working every hour they’re awake, not sleeping enough, and never gets a day to recharge is a partner whose brain literally gets stuck in survival mode. So you just straight-up don’t have the spare mental energy to effectively assess the situation you’re in and the patterns in his behavior.
I also note from your comments that somehow managing his diet has become your job. You cut dairy out of your own diet, you research dairy-free alternatives all of which he rejects, you stock the cupboards with safe foods (which means in addition to cooking, you’re also the grocery wrangler. Again, he is not working, these should be roles he takes responsibility for until he has work again).
I have to ask, what does he do while you’re at work? What does the housework split currently look like at home – we already know you handle groceries and cooking. Which tasks at home does he take, and which are you still covering on your days off or when you’re home from work?
NTJ btw.” UristMcD
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mentally Ill Sister As My Bridesmaid?
“My (25f) sister (27f) has severe mental health issues that have made it extraordinarily difficult for her to function. I’ve taken care of her since we were kids. Our dad had a stroke when I was 8, and my mom had to look after him until he died 11 years later. Our two brothers (40 and 42) are much older than us and busy with their jobs and their partners (now wives).
My family has even given me a nickname, Carer Sarah (Sarah is my name). I don’t particularly like it, but whatever. My mom is now my sister’s primary carer, but because I know her so well I’m often called to step in.
The terrible thing is, I don’t really like my sister. I think I did once, but over the years I have spent so much emotional energy on her that I’m just burnt out.
To give a flavor of what life has been like with her, she called me at 3 am the night before I was due to have a hugely important interview and told me she was standing on a bridge about to jump off. I drove 4 hours to get to her and missed the interview. She seduced my significant other at my 16th birthday party and shouted for everyone to hear that the only reason I was born was because my mom had an abortion that went wrong.
She told another man I’d been unfaithful to him (I hadn’t). She racked up over $10k of debt on my credit card in 3 days.
I know that none of this is her fault, but all I feel towards her is apathy. It means her actions no longer hurt me. She can be so, so sweet to me sometimes, but it never lasts, and I’ve learned not to like or dislike her, just to endure her.
I’ve never, ever told anyone that, and our whole family is under the impression that I love her dearly because of how much I’ve done for her over the years.
Two years ago I met the love of my life and we’re getting married next year. The truth is, I don’t even really want my sister there at all. I can’t think of a single event centered on me that hasn’t been in some way disrupted by her.
I can’t not invite her, so instead, I want her to be just a regular guest. This also means it will be easier for my mom to keep an eye on her because if she’s my bridesmaid I know I’ll end up doing it. And I want my bridesmaids to be people I actually love, who love me too, and will make my day easier. My cousins on both sides all had their sisters as bridesmaids, so I’m going against family tradition here.
My mom and brothers are shocked, and say it’s extremely damaging for my sister to be rejected like this. One of my brothers says I’m being ableist. My mom says she always thought that one day when she’s too old to take care of my sister and I’ve worked for a few years that I would look after her full time (this was news to me), but now she’s not so sure.
All this has made me feel bad for my sister, and I’m close to giving in. But if I do, it won’t be because I want to. So, looking for honest opinions here. AITJ for not having my sister as my bridesmaid?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m honestly not understanding something here OP. When you said your sister has severe mental health issues, to the point she needs a carer, I was picturing someone unable to communicate, or maybe unable to meet her own basic personal needs like knowing to bathe or eat.
Your sister is functional enough to rack up credit card debt? Seduce a guy? Call you for help when she needs it? Something here isn’t adding up.
You are a worthy and valuable person OP. You absolutely have the right to choose your own bridesmaids. Your brothers could even volunteer to watch over her for you so you can finally enjoy a celebration without having to take care of her.
And if that celebration is your own wedding you deserve it so very much more!!
Since your brother threw out the ‘ableist’ word I’m going to throw out ‘enablers’. Your entire family enables her crap because you are there to do all the hard work. I am so glad you are getting out OP. I wish you a lovely wedding and peaceful, happy marriage.
Not only are you NTJ, but I’d double down and let your family know that having your sister at your wedding would be too much of a strain on both of you.
She couldn’t handle not being the center of your/your mom’s attention, and you shouldn’t have to split your focus on your special day. Be strong OP. Let your wedding be the start of a new future for you and your husband.” thequejos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there are some seriously messed up boundary issues going on with your family, and the fact that most of this is all falling on you instead of equally amongst your family is wrong and not fair.
My advice is to hold strong to your boundary of having her as a guest. Enlist your maid of honor and your fiance’s best man (and whoever else that isn’t part of your immediate family) and give them rules for what your sister is allowed to do and what to do if those rules are broken.
Ultimately I suggest getting counseling so that you have someone objective to talk to about your boundaries and how to hold your own as your parents’ age and your sister needs care.
I have a feeling your mom may also be getting burned out and that is why she assumed you would just take over. Your brothers have probably convinced themselves they don’t really need to do more because they think you two get along so well.
Eventually, you will need to have a difficult discussion with your family about how you’ve really been feeling and how everyone needs to chip in and what your boundaries will be as you move forward with your life with your husband.
Once you get married you become part of a team, and that team has its own priorities over family.
Good luck to you, and congratulations on your future nuptials!” rubykittens
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sweetie, quite apart from the wedding, you need to sit your mother down (and your brothers if you feel like it) and have a proper Come To Jesus discussion with her/them about your sister.
You need to tell them definitively that 1.
You are not your sister’s carer. That role was thrust on you, quite unfairly, as a child. And you’ve had enough. You now have your own life and your own family (your future husband and any children you might have). 2. Tell them as unemotionally as possible the very many hurtful things that your sister has done to you in the past. 3. Being mentally ill does not give your sister a free pass to trashy behavior towards you of the kind she has displayed in the past.
4. Your wedding day is about YOU and your future husband, and no one else. It’s up to you who you have as your attendants. If you don’t feel your sister can behave appropriately, then your mother or brothers need to manage her on the day. You’ll be busy doing other things (lol). 5. You are NOT your sister’s long-term care plan. You have your own life. Your mother needs to step up and make appropriate care plans for your sister if she’s unable to care for herself. If she doesn’t like that, you could suggest that your older brothers step up to the plate and take their turn at caring for her. you’ve done it long enough!” hetkleinezusje
11. AITJ For Asking My Partner Not To Smoke During My Mom's Wedding?
“My mom is getting remarried and invited myself and my bf to her destination wedding, all expenses paid. Like literally down to every meal, every snack, transportation, plane tickets, parking, etc., it’s all paid for by my mom. My brother and his best friend are coming and they both smoke fairly heavily. My parents know this, and since we will all be in a state where “smoking stuff” is legal, they have asked that my brother and his friend do not smoke, and do not go to any dispensaries (my brother is under 21, his friend is not), there is going to be a lot of family and very impressionable kids/teens at the wedding.
My brother and his friend have both agreed they will behave during the trip.
That brings me to today, my significant other, Carter, and I are both mid-twenties. Just got off the phone with him and he asks if we are driving a rental from the airport to the hotel or being picked up. When I tell him we are being picked up, he is bummed because he wanted to check out a dispensary near the airport.
Carter smokes every day, I’m not a huge fan of this, but it’s also not my place so it’s whatever, I don’t really care. But I did ask him not to smoke during the wedding because my parents have asked that my brother and his friend not smoke. I would assume that if my parents knew that Carter smoked, this request would extend to him as well.
Carter was immediately annoyed and gave me the whole ‘I’m an adult, I can do what I want’ thing. I get his point but at the same time he wouldn’t even be getting to go on this trip if it wasn’t for my parents, and it just feels completely rude and disrespectful that he wants to smoke. He also said that he ‘shouldn’t get grouped in with my brother’ and that he wouldn’t smoke with my brother.
I got annoyed and quiet pretty quickly, and he’s frustrated that I’m annoyed now, so it has me wondering AITJ for asking him not to smoke??
EDIT: editing to say we will be gone for a total of 5 days, it is not just one day, they are asking no smoking for the entire 5 days. Also, yes Carter smokes every day.
EDIT 2 for more INFO: the other days are packed with things that we have to do for the wedding, the schedule is pretty packed, and even if it’s fun stuff to do that at home he could smoke before, it’s going to be with family members, and with young kids around.
My parents are flying out all of our close family from both sides (50 ish people) and we will spend most time we can with family members because we really only get to see everyone once a year.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is right, he’s an adult, which means he’s old enough to understand what it means to be a good guest. Your mother doesn’t want people smoking at her wedding.
It’s her wedding and it’s her call, end of the story. If your partner absolutely can’t make it through a single day without THC… well, if that’s the case you’ve got other problems, but for now… he can pick up something edible on the way there.” Jyqm
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’re not a jerk for asking him to not smoke, but he’s not a jerk for wanting to smoke.
I think if he can do it discreetly and not seem high, then no harm is done. Not everyone is a drinker and I’m sure plenty of people will be doing that and enjoying themselves. Just because people may feel uncomfortable about the green plant, I don’t think it’s fair that he has to suffer. I still understand you asking him not to though. I’m going with ‘no jerks here’.” orangejuiceisbetter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Considering that your mother is being so generous in paying for both you AND your partner, all expenses covered, then I definitely don’t think you’re wrong in asking him to hold off for the duration of the trip. That’s just the respectful thing to do. If she’s asking your brother and his friend not to do it, then presumably she doesn’t want anyone doing it. Not only that but it’ll probably be harder to keep your brother and his friend in line if they see your bf smoking up all the time. You’re not wrong for your request, he can stop for a couple of days.” daughter-of-dragons
10. WIBTJ If I Tell My Husband I Don't Want Him Inside The Delivery Room?
“I’m currently 5 months pregnant and I have been trying to talk to my husband about not wanting him inside the delivery room for a long time but there was always something going on and we simply didn’t have time. He is the father, he has the right to be in the room when his child is born, but honestly, I feel extremely uncomfortable with him being there.
I just don’t want him to see it happening, it makes me feel so uncomfortable even when I try to imagine how things are going to be in there. I have read that men who watched their wife give birth can feel extremely disgusted with her after and suddenly see her differently, disgusting and unattractive. If I tell him I don’t want them inside the room with me I feel like I’m making a decision for both of us and stealing a moment he could never get back.
But thinking of him looking at me differently, feeling disgusted with me, even thinking about him being there is terrifying me, I feel so uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do!
Please help, would I be the jerk if I tell him I don’t want him there? I feel like I don’t even have the right to make that decision because it’s his child too, but then I’m thinking, it’s my body right? I’m very confused and I would appreciate any advice and opinion, I just want to know from strangers that have no connection to us because his mother said that I’m an awful human being because I don’t want my husband and her with me, I want my mom and my sister.
WIBTJ if I ask my husband to not be inside the delivery room?
Edit:
People seem to think that I’m worried about my intimate life with my husband, I’m not. I just don’t want him to feel disgusted after watching this and then drifting apart from me (emotionally) because of all the stories people told me.
I have been trying to talk to him for a long time, but I will do it soon, no way we’ll reach the hospital with him not knowing if he is staying outside or coming in with me.
I’m going to share all my feelings with him and everything I have heard and how it scares me, and if he decides that he wants to be there I will never rob that experience from him, I can survive being uncomfortable for a few hours but I’ll feel better knowing he was there. And (as my therapist advised) if he would be interested, we can look at photos or videos so he could feel more prepared for everything.
About what he’ll feel after, I’ll just have to put my faith in him.
Edit 2: I’ve discussed it with him. Despite my worries, he assured me that he can handle it and would never look at me differently. He wants to see everything and not just stand next to my head, but he has promised he can handle it.
It wasn’t necessary to look at photos or videos, he feels sure he’ll be able to handle this.
He wants his mother to be there because he wants her support too, I told him I would feel very uncomfortable if she’ll be there but he says I probably won’t even notice her because I’ll be busy… so I told my sister that she wouldn’t be there and explained everything (I can only have 3 people with me). I hate that I won’t be comfortable during this time, but I’m trying not to think about it and remember that it’s only a few hours.”
Another User Comments:
“I think calling you a jerk is a bit strong, but I do think you’re allowing unhealthy insecurity to drive your thinking, and it’s going to cause you a lot more problems than you think.
Do you fear your husband will be disgusted by watching you give birth? Highly, HIGHLY unlikely. He will be so focused on his child entering the world that he won’t even notice what your parts look like. On the other hand, if you deny him the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness the birth of his child, he will almost definitely resent you for it, and that resentment will bleed over into other aspects of your marriage and there are better-than-even odds that it will lead to divorce.
He won’t forgive you for depriving him of such a moment.
What you can, and should, do is get yourself into therapy immediately to address your insecurity while also talking with him about it and expressing your fears to him. See if there’s maybe a compromise – like he can be in the room but he has to stay standing at your head where he can’t really see your parts.” vodka_philosophy
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
We’ve all heard that awful joke about how ‘watching my wife give birth was like watching my favorite pub burn down.’ And there’s been more than one post on this very sub about men making fun of their SO for pooping on the table. While the veracity of those posts is def questionable, their very existence means that this is legit insecurity.
OP, if you’re afraid your husband is that kind of jerk, you’ve got bigger fish to fry.
But if you’re not, and he’s the kind man you think he is, just have a talk with him about his expectations and yours. Maybe he just wants to hold your hand and not gawp at the main event. You would be the jerk for not discussing it, though.” stainless_styled
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but only if you don’t talk to your husband about your fears. From what I am reading I get where you are coming from.
You have a right to have bodily autonomy. 100%. You don’t have the right to punish your partner without a conversation about it. That’s not how partnerships work. And that is 100% wrong.
I am a woman who had a child in 2020. My first. I was worried about everything. I didn’t want my partner to look. I was afraid of pooping myself or worse, he is grossed out and boom… no more love.
In truth, I didn’t worry about anything else but my only job. Get that beautiful baby into this world. That is your job and you are going to do great. BUT sit down with your partner and talk about your fears. Specifics. Even the gross stuff. Maybe it won’t bother him. My husband never brought up anything that would be upsetting about it after. He knew my fears because we talked and cared enough about me to respect that.
If you don’t have that kind of respect, you shouldn’t be together. Don’t just drop this on him when you go deliver. Have a conversation like adults. Even if you are scared.” Pyr8Qu33n
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ yet.
I say this as a father of two, present for both.
It is absolutely your right to choose, nobody gets any say in this matter but you.
However yes there are consequences to this choice.
But we’ll come back to them.
The comment from the MIL has me confused for two reasons.
Firstly: God no she gets no say and it’s bloody abnormal for the MIL to be there, especially one trying to use emotional manipulation to get her own way even if you wanted her there that right there would be a ‘God no’ moment.
Secondly: why does she know before her son? You need to start having this conversation with your husband like now before his mother gets her hooks into him and twists it.
I don’t like the sound of this MIL at all, my mother’s pretty decent but by Christ I wouldn’t want her at either of my kid’s births it’s not ‘for her’ she can (and did) visit the day after to meet her grandchild and was very happy with that arrangement.
Right back to the consequences.
Firstly if you don’t have this conversation with your husband pretty soonish then the consequences could be irreparable as his mother knows and appears to be an entitled brat and will have no qualms sticking her venom into her son playing on his emotions of rejection.
(Whether it works or not is a different matter and up to your husband).
Secondly, the consequences of you having this discussion is you are both on the same page, you get to find out really what kind of man he is. If he is anything but hurt and supporting (he is allowed to be hurt, do not judge him for that if you see/hear it in his voice) then start taking notes.
If he starts getting angry/demanding well start ticking off checkboxes to keep you safe.
If my partner had asked me NOT to be present for the birth yes I would be disappointed, yes I would be hurt and yes I would still support her.
Times have indeed changed and unfortunately, some men/people seem to think we have the right to be present at the birth of our kids.
NO, WE DONT, we have a privilege IF the mother wants us there.
We seem to have forgotten that childbirth is still bloody dangerous for both child and mother and if our presence causes any negative impacts to that process, out we go.
So you’re NTJ but you have some homework to do to ensure that you don’t turn into the jerk by talking to your partner asap about your thoughts, worries, and concerns surrounding this situation.
After that talk, you will be able to gauge your choice much better.
Yes he may feel hurt, disappointed, and maybe even rejected but I can promise you he will feel much worse, divorce level worse if you don’t talk to him and just exclude him. Especially if mommy dearest has already told him and you don’t.
Dads miss the births so often, for many many reasons and it has zero impact on how they view their child.
I will say, however, and I mean this in the nicest possible way. You will be a mess down there even after the birth especially if there are any complications and he will see it unless you don’t live together. A good man will not care, my partner apparently pushed too hard/too long and caused herself to tear (apparently common) yes I saw it, yes I saw it at home and yes I even helped her make sure it was cleaned and dressed so it could heal properly.
We still have a vivid and active intimate life the occasion isn’t even thought about at all.
His feelings are irrelevant during the birth, he is there for you to make the process easier and help you relax. If you don’t feel he will perform that role and would prefer your mother/sister/both, then do so BUT DISCUSS IT WITH HIM NOW.
Anyway, that’s my tuppence worth, stay safe, and best wishes for later.” Iyotanka1985
9. AITJ For Not Accepting My Sister's Relationship With My Brother-In-Law?
“I (27) am the middle daughter in our family. I have 2 sisters (Kelly 30) and (Rachel 25). We lost Kelly to cancer in 2019. It was the biggest tragedy, she left behind her twin boys (7) and husband (BIL Joseph 30). He used to spend a lot of time with my parents to get help with the kids. Rachel then moved out and kept her distance for a few months.
2 months ago we were at my parents’ house when Rachel and Joseph got up and announced that they were engaged. To say that we were shocked is an understatement but my parents said nothing after Joseph explained that Rachel helped him in his darkest times and comforted him a lot since they were both connected by Kelly’s passing. I just left with my husband as Rachel started crying after I called her disgusting to her face to do this to our sister.
When things calmed down I actually received an invitation to Rachel and Joseph’s wedding while asking for my ‘approval and blessing.’ My husband laughed saying these 2 were legitimately mentally unstable to carry on with this, and I couldn’t believe it either! I returned it immediately and refused to give my approval which caused Rachel to go on social media crying about how I mistreated her after she sacrificed her job and life to shelter her nephews and help them live a stable life and make sure they don’t get stuck with an evil stepmother who might abuse them.
Basically saying she’s doing this for her nephews to be able to grow up and stay close to family.
My parents visited to talk and started praising Rachel for all of her ‘sacrifices’ and good deeds by looking after the kids and asking that I finally approve of their marriage and attend the wedding but I lost it on them asking if they ever thought what Rachel did was okay.
What about Kelly? Would she have wanted her sister to take her place? My God… the kids, what about the kids? How do they even feel about this? Who’s Rachel to them now? Auntie? Mom? Stepmom? All 3? And they think they won’t be confused and angry their own aunt took their mother’s place? If you’re saying you’re just trying to keep the family together the family is already divided and I won’t be surprised if my nephews cut contact when they’re old enough to do so.
Mom said my behavior was disgraceful and argued I was wrong in most of the points I made and called me judgemental and bitter to decide to guilt Rachel for ‘stepping up’ to take on a role of the mother and said I was selfish to judge my grieving sister and brother-in-law after I questioned the length of their relationship cause if this was happening while Kelly was alive and sick then I’m speechless but if it was happening in the past few months then neither Joseph nor Rachel are thinking rationally.
We went on for hours arguing then they left. I told my husband to block Joseph but Rachel reached out via SM saying I’m making her feel guilty with my stance and disapproval of her relationship and said I was making it hard for her and the kids when she’s trying to bring the family together.”
Another User Comments:
“I would tentatively say ‘no jerks here’ because it sounds like grief is still running high.
I understand, though, that the ‘crap’ meters are running really high because of the ‘But we’re doing it for the chiiiiiiiiiidre-e-e-n’ sugar-coating excuse. Maybe they feel guilty over developing feelings for each other, which, as many by now have pointed out, is common. Maybe they started bonding even before Kelly died, which also happens and sounds likely with Rachel making a public point of ‘distancing herself’ for a few months and feeling guilty or likely to be judged for that.
Maybe Rachel and BIL need to just cut the sugary crap and just admit that they love each other.
Also, OP needs to find out now whether she has to pretend to accept the new union in order to keep a relationship with the nephews. Sis and BIL together are a done deal. The question now is whether to heal or to break. This leads me to the following:
Another idea – To OP: If you had a good relationship with Rachel before, then have a one-to-one private talk with her away from parents and other family members; no outside dramas or pressures (lunch at a restaurant so she doesn’t fear an ambush?) and as calmly as possible discuss all this to try to understand on both sides where all this is coming from.
Try to understand beyond the for-the-children facade and for her to understand why blindsiding you was a dumb idea. I think both of you are mature enough to do this if you want to. Make it clear to mummy, if she tries to tag along, she will be No Help. This is a sisters-only time.” Snoo96130
Another User Comments:
“First, Your Sister is using the kid’s well-being as an excuse.
She doesn’t need to marry your BIL to keep them safe, together, etc. Whatever her reason is, she is not owning up to it, so your gut is probably not so off feeling this way about her.
Second, I find it appalling that they announced they were engaged while seemingly no one else knew about the relationship. It sounds from your post that this was indeed a shock and leads me to believe that they didn’t tell you about this relationship before.
If that’s the case, second huge red flag here because they CLEARLY didn’t tell you guys about it until the engagement, and when someone hides something it’s almost always because they know it’s wrong. Like you said, when did this even start? Impossible to know but seems very very fishy.
Lastly, whether the relationship is appropriate or not is actually the least of the worries here. Sure, I agree with you that this is ultimately really weird and awkward and based on your reaction, possibly disrespectful to your late sister.
But the most important thing here is what you already brought up: the twins lost their mum to cancer, and now their aunt is their mum? Step mum? They are already navigating an incredibly difficult time, understanding this new relationship might become the ultimate wonder to them. Your BIL and Sister are not considering this at all because if they truly thought about them, they would be concerned too.
NTJ. You’re calling things as they are.” Asabetyyy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is a difficult situation to be in but it doesn’t change the fact that you are being the jerk in this dynamic.
I want to first and foremost acknowledge how difficult this situation is for you. You lost your sister. I would be devastated if I lost one of my siblings.
But, and this is important, you lost your sister going on 3 years ago.
This isn’t a ‘brand new and just buried in the dirt’ level of mourning. This is a more than appropriate timeline for your BIL to have already begun seeking a new romantic entanglement. And, unfortunately for you, that new romantic date entanglement is your younger sister. While it feels uncomfortable, it’s also not rare.
Grief bonds people who have endured the same trauma or loss. Your sister, from what you described, stepped up to help your nephews and BIL go through one of the hardest periods of their life all while enduring her own grief and pain.
This sort of shared pain often leads to intense bonding which can turn romantic. And that’s exactly what happened here: your sister and your BIL bonded in a very intimate way over a THREE YEAR PERIOD (this did not happen overnight). And after reflecting on their feelings and the love they share for each other, your nephews, and the memory of your departed sister, they have decided that they wish to spend their lives together.
These are two grown adults. Your oldest sister is gone. She has been gone for almost 3 years. What they are doing is perfectly acceptable even if it feels uncomfortable to you.
Now, if your question was simply ‘AITJ for feeling upset or uncomfortable with my widowed BIL and younger sister getting married?’ the answer would be ‘NTJ’.
You are free to feel uncomfortable. You are free to be apprehensive as to the way this relationship developed.
You are free to suspect that this relationship is not what your late sister would want. You are even free to address your concerns to your BIL and younger sister as to how they plan to commemorate your older sister’s memory and balance the relationship of your aunt/stepmother with your nephews to help them process this change. You are even free to actively say you aren’t ready to engage with them as a couple (including abstaining from attending the wedding) because you are personally struggling with how this all happened but that you respect and acknowledge their right to happiness.
All of that would be perfectly valid.
So why are am I saying YTJ? Because you do not have a right to tell your adult sister and her fiancée that their relationship is disgusting. You do not have a right to insert yourself into their relationship by arguing with your parents that their relationship is wrong. You do not have a right to make unfounded claims that the relationship began prior to your sister’s passing — you literally have no evidence of this.
And you absolutely have no right to weaponize your dead sister and your nephews just to intentionally inflict harm on this couple just because you are uncomfortable.
You are the problem here. You are the one struggling with this situation. You are the one whose grief is so profound that it is making you lash out at your sister and BIL. You are absolutely allowed to be shocked, uncomfortable, confused, and struggle with this change.
But the way you are handling this is wrong. And frankly, if you don’t change your behavior, you will have no sisters left at all and no contact with your nephews (I guarantee you that your BIL won’t allow you near his children).
Send your sister this comment AND THEN REPEAT IT TO YOURSELF OVER AND OVER: ‘Hey, I’m sorry. I’m lashing out right now. I’m really shocked by all of this and I’m honestly very uncomfortable with you both seeing each other because it feels wrong to me.
I know that it’s not and I know neither of you planned for this to happen. I’m sorry that I can’t be more excited for the two of you because I know you both deserve happiness. I think for now it’s best if we have minimal contact while I process all of this. It’s still so hard with Kelly’s loss and this is just bringing up a lot of emotions for me right now.
It’s not your job to prove to me that your relationship is valid or okay. It’s my job to get a hold of my emotions. I’m going to work on that but it might take a while. I love you both and I love the boys. I can’t guarantee I’ll be okay before the wedding but I promise I will work on this.’
And then go to therapy and genuinely work on this.” Idkhowtouse_reddit
You should a have a long talk with your sister and BIL and maybe ask all the questions you have in an adult manner so maybe you can judge for yourself. (Adult manner means no yelling and not padding judgement). Obviously your sister is torn by this and wants you to hear her out and you can't even do that. The pain you must feel is unbearable. But your sister feels the same pain. Your sister is an adult and your BIL is an adult and they mad adult decisions. Is this engagement strange? In the grand scheme of things probably not.
Eventually your BIL would have gotten married to someone. Would you still be mad if that happened? No you wouldn't. So why are you mad because it's your sister? At least you know that your nieces and nephews are in good hands.
This is hard to take in now and telling your sister you need time to take it is fine. But you flipping out and make your sister feel awful for unexpectedly falling in love when she is obviously hurting over it is wrong on your part.
8. WIBTJ If I Reported My Workmate To HR For "Tickling"?
“I work in a traditionally male field for a large company (think comparable to google – no, I don’t work there, lol.)
Over the last four or five months, my coworker, who I’ll call Brian, has been tickling me. He doesn’t do it to fellow men.
Brian doesn’t do tickle fits, just one little tickle and not on ‘sensitive areas,’ so just in the back. It’s more so a poke than a tickle.
Or he’ll put his hand on me and open it up and say ‘ssss’ like a snake.
This makes me uncomfortable. I first joked and said, ‘you’re not a snake!’ Then I would say ‘no.’ I’m, admittedly, too nice. I’ve been told that all my life. I’ve started avoiding Brian completely. But, despite working for a big company, we work on the same small floor and our teams work together often.
Brian confessed me to a few months ago that his performance was suffering (anyone can see it, frankly). I know HR has spoken with him (I’ve heard things). I know if I go to HR, there’s a good chance he’ll lose his job. But I dread coming to work every day. I dread seeing him. I hate being touched by anyone but my fiancé or close friends.
WIBTJ if I go to HR??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and screw everyone that’s saying you should stand up for yourself first. He’s had other talks with HR which means you’re not the only one he’s making feel uncomfy. You’ve said no before we should be more than enough. I recently filed an HR case against someone because they kept touching my pregnant belly after I 1) slapped their hand away once 2) kept doing afterward and I told them to ask me beforehand to touch my belly and they literally just laughed in my face and did it again IN A SPAN OF 3 MINUTES.
Another woman that also has felt uncomfortable around him because he came up and just randomly kissed her head (oh my god???) told me that I should’ve just been more assertive like she was because I’m going on leave soon anyway so it shouldn’t matter. NO. SCREW THAT NOISE. I’m not the only one who he’s made uncomfortable and now thanks to me, he’s not allowed on my floor anymore.
If he’s to be seen on my floor, he gets fired.
We don’t deserve to feel like you feel in the workplace! You should be able to go to work and not feel like you have to be looking over your shoulder because Brian will randomly appear to TOUCH YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. WHO IN THE WORLD THINKS THAT’S OKAY??? I’m so angry for u right now because I can totally empathize with my recent events ugh.
Sending you hugs.” leifyfae
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I wouldn’t blame you for reporting him.
I’m not clear from your post if you want Brian to be fired, or just to stop.
If you wanted him to stop, but not necessarily be fired, you should say ‘Hi Brian. I should have said something sooner, but I’m not comfortable with the poking/tickling/snake thing, so please could you not do that again.’
Then if he does it again, report him immediately and you can tell HR you made it clear it made his behavior made you uncomfortable, and therefore it is definitely harassment.
If you do want him fired, then report him now. HR may ask you if you’ve asked him to stop (not that they should ask you that), but just be prepared for that question, and tell them that you ‘shouldn’t be in a position where you need to ask Brian, or anyone else, not to touch you in the workplace.’
Good luck whatever route you take.” Orr-Man
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
OP, you should go to HR.
Don’t let people downplay this.
If you believe HR would be dismissive, mention that employee retention and workforce diversification are prime HR goals, and that by not respecting an employee’s right to not be touched HR would be placing the organization’s reputation in a tenuous position, impeding those goals. It is not an extravagant want to ask not to be touched by a coworker. If you’re dreading going to work because of this, the situation needs the attention of HR.
Professionals should conduct themselves professionally. Simple as that. If HR lets him go, that is not your responsibility. ‘Brian’ is responsible for his behavior and the consequences that result.
You should feel comfortable at work.” conditionalinterest
7. AITJ For Complaining About Unrealistic Expectations?
“The company I work for is in a call center. It can become very stressful and overwhelming depending on how busy we are. Each full-time employee is required to work 8-hour shifts; they provide 2 paid 15-minute breaks and 1 unpaid 30-minute lunch break. They are extremely strict to the point that if our phone is in the option for a bathroom break – each second user is going against our performance stats.
If the minutes used to go over a certain amount each week we could get written up.
Recently management started a ‘perfect attendance incentive’ each month. Basically, if we go the full month with perfect attendance our name is entered into a raffle to win a prize. For the entire month, we cannot clock in even a few seconds late, cannot call in or early out on our shift, cannot come back from any breaks or lunch late.
Lastly, for our name to be entered into the raffle we cannot use any seconds in the bathroom break option on the phone either! My problem?
Management also asks if we can ‘volunteer’ to work through our lunch when the activity is really high. They advise it’s completely optional and the unused 30 minutes will be on the next payroll check as well. Normally, they attempt to ask us to volunteer to work through lunch at the beginning of the shift.
So if we do volunteer, when our 1st break starts, management expects us to either eat then, bring the food back to our desk, or do any other necessity all in 15 minutes on the 1st break.
One night, I decided to volunteer and work through lunch. After I came back from my 1st break I found out if I did need to get up and use the restroom and the bathroom option was used on my phone before my 2nd break started, I would STILL be ineligible to be entered into the raffle.
I’m going out of my way to work through lunch and/or miss out on possibly being able to eat all the while working w/o stopping.
The company still holds it against me if I need to use the restroom? I asked my management about it and I ended up getting coached and lectured. Management made excuses on why they are not wrong for counting the bathroom break usage as attendance toward the incentive even if we work through lunch on a shift.
We are not clocking out for the bathroom break so my whole issue is what does that have to do with attendance? This makes the ‘perfect attendance’ requirements nearly impossible to meet. I told my job I didn’t care how busy we got I would never volunteer and work through lunch again. Was I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are absolutely not wrong and your company is being ridiculous.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
‘We cannot clock in even a few seconds late, cannot call in or early out on our shift, cannot come back from any breaks or lunch late.’ – THIS is quite reasonable.
You are getting paid, you get some EXTRA bonus for doing more – and object that you don’t get it if you do not do the extra?” Initial_Number_4747
6. AITJ For Giving My Daughter's Piggy Bank Coins Back?
“My daughter (Ana, 6) got me some weird smelling cologne for Christmas and I hated it. I asked my wife why she would even let our daughter buy this crap and she said that since Ana had used her own piggy bank savings, she had wanted to pick out the cologne on her own (so basically Ana went on Amazon, and randomly looked around until she saw a cologne picture that she liked and that could afford).
My wife thought the whole thing was hilarious, but I didn’t really find it that funny. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated it, but it stunk so I sent it back today. I was just not going to say anything, but when I came back inside, Ana asked me why I had gone out without putting on the cologne. And I told her, ‘Well, sweetie, Daddy didn’t really like it, so I sent it back, but I appreciate you getting me the gift, so here are the coins you spent on it (about $20) and extra (another $20)’.
And then she got really sad and said, ‘You didn’t like it?’ And I said, ‘No, but that’s okay because I’m just happy that you even thought about me enough to break your piggy bank and get me a present.’
I don’t know what the heck is up with kids – they don’t listen! She ran and told my wife that I said I ‘hated’ her present! I did hate it, but that’s not even what I said! My wife said I should apologize, but I said no, apologize for what? I don’t want her turning out spoiled.
This is a good lesson for her to learn. If she had listened to my wife when she was trying to help her pick out the cologne, then she wouldn’t have picked a cologne I didn’t like, and I wouldn’t have had to send it back. I think an apology is unnecessary and uncalled for. I gave Ana her coins back (and extra on top of that) and I think we should just leave it at that.
Right now, everyone is mad at me except the twins (but they’re babies). I was going to just go apologize to keep the peace, but the more I think about it, I don’t think I did anything wrong that’s worth apologizing for. Did I??”
Another User Comments:
“You handled this pretty terribly. YTJ.
I once got my mother a comically large bottle of the moderate to higher-priced perfume that she liked.
For reference, the bottle I purchased for her was at least ten times the size of the large version usually offered, was only slightly more than the large version, and was sold through a reputable retailer. I had my own job, so even though I was very young; it was my savings, and being young; I promptly lost the receipt.
My dad was upset, and somewhat poorly handled the situation as he thought I had bought counterfeit merchandise.
It turned out to be the exact same perfume and was just a limited Christmas promotional through the retailer and producer, but I felt BAD for two weeks waiting for my mom to open the package to find out if it was any good or not.
This memory is still with me nearly 30 years later. Fortunately, my dad handled far beyond the vast majority of other issues excellently, but this one still stands out as a painful point in my memories.” shawslate
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You and your wife have both been incredibly cruel in this situation. I’m reading this in the same room as a six-year-old family member who has started to work hard to choose presents in the past few months; she carefully chose shaving cream for him because she sees her dad shave and interpreted it as ‘daddy loves shaving’. You with your ‘I don’t know what the heck is up with kids’ is about the most dismissive take imaginable.
Yes, you expressed that you hated her gift. Your wife expressed that your daughter wanting to choose a thoughtful gift was a joke. How would it ‘spoil’ your child to keep your mouth shut? Jesus, neither of you actually care about this child’s feelings or wellbeing, only what’s easiest for you.” triskelizard
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you are missing several social norms and seem overly focused on yourself and what you want instead of considering a young child’s feelings or developmentally appropriate expectations or your responsibilities as a parent.
Makes me want to ask if you have a pattern of being this oblivious to the greater emotional context of human interactions, and if so could you be on the spectrum (I am, and I wouldn’t do this exact thing, but I have had incidents where I have had tunnel vision where I think I’m being logical and reasonable and don’t see why other people take it personally)?
To be clear: the main point of kids getting parents gifts for mother’s or father’s day isn’t so the parent gets the top thing on their Amazon wishlist, but the process of giving and the showing and receiving appreciation.
In all circumstances, gifts are only partly about getting a particular thing and always involve lots of human relationship feelings and manners, and tradition (if the goal was to get the thing it would be so much easier to just get our own things). You should have prioritized your daughter and included your wife in this parenting decision because the fact that you didn’t much care for the smell of the cologne was frankly unimportant and about as appropriate as taking a kid’s artwork off the fridge because of their crayon portrait wasn’t a skillful rendering of your likeness.” Ana_Kinra
You crushed her.
5. AITJ For Giving My Older Daughter's Room To My Stepdaughter?
“My new wife and I have our own modern-day Brady Bunch – I have 4 children of my own and she had 3. Kind of, my children are much older than hers with my 2 oldest have already moved out.
Before she moved in and even before we got married I promised her and her kids a lot of things, one of those being a much better home to live in.
I promised her kids they would each get their own rooms, something they’ve never had before.
The time came for them to move in a couple of months back and I came to realize I actually needed to make the space. My 2 kids with me still were willing to bunk up for at least one more year (my daughter here is a senior so she won’t be home longer) and all I needed to do was get the clearance to give my oldest kids rooms to my step kids who actually need the space.
I called my older son, he answered and he was ok with me cleaning out the room. My older however was much more trouble. I called her at least 3 times throughout that day with no answer. I knew she was doing this all on purpose, not to delve too much into the details but she and my wife don’t get along – by proxy she’s turned on me.
At a certain point, I was getting too anxious at the idea of disappointing my new stepchildren, so I just went ahead and cleared both rooms for the kids – giving my older daughter’s room to one of my wife’s girls.
We went through a period of being a happy new little family – we went by the holidays (my older daughter did not come by for Christmas, she chose to spend time with her partner of 5 months over us instead of coming home) smoothly.
When come the new year, my older daughter was asking for something from her old room. I have talked to her a little bit between the intertwining months but I admittedly didn’t bring up the room thing cause by the time I reached her it didn’t seem important, so this was the first time I told her what happened to her old room and how I honestly don’t have anything from it anymore.
The girl proceeded to scream and insult me. I told her how I tried to reach her during the transition and how technically since she’s been at school it isn’t her space anymore. That’s when she threw insults at my wife, which was crossing a major line from my point of view. Essentially it pushed me too far as well, I told her regardless of how she feels about my wife and her family, she’s been no better cause for me she’s just been a miserable brat ever since my wife came into our lives.
That was the end of it, and it hurt me to say that. I want to understand her issue but I also have to take care of my new kids, so I can’t always put her or her siblings first anymore. I have no one else willing to talk to me about things and still, knowing how she used to be and knowing what I said was wrong, I can see how I handled the situation might have been too irresponsible.
Edit: As you can tell I’m rather sensitive towards negativity against her, I already have to deal with that with my kids. I will not respond to allegations against my wife, insults against her, speculation on her age, intentions, or character – cause non of that matters when talking about the situation with me and my daughter.
The reason why my daughter doesn’t like my wife is unimportant and personal – only the fact that they dislike each other is worth noting for context on why things blew up like this.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Why did you not at least store her stuff? Did you only try to reach her for one day? Also, the way you write about being a ‘happy new family’ absolutely sounds like you replaced your kids. Even though they’re older, they are still your kids and should be first.
It sounds like you did everything possibly wrong to have your daughter feel like she’s a part of your family, not the least of which was making promises you couldn’t keep and lying.
I don’t blame her (or your other kids) for inevitably going to no contact with you in the future.
But hey, you have a shiny new family!
ETA: Having the stepdaughter in the room is one thing, but the fact that he literally threw away everything in her former room on top of that absolutely sounds like he erased one daughter from his life to replace her with his younger stepdaughter” PotentialityKnocks
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you admit openly that you made promises to your new wife about her kids without considering your own kids and then just expected your kids to accommodate you and your new life without having any feelings (how dare your daughter to be angry with you or resent your new wife and kids, right?) or even making sure you had notified your daughter.
No wonder she didn’t want to hear from you – you are planning to run over her no matter what you said to her before doing it.
Giving away her stuff is just beyond. I hope your new wife and kids realize that if you would treat your biological kids this way you’ll treat them that way too eventually. what you’ve done to your daughter you can’t make up.
you’ll be lucky if you didn’t permanently sever your relationship with her. and guess what she has every right to be furious with you and every right to express that. Get over yourself – how narcissistic can you be?” spicey_tea
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You literally gave her one day to answer a call for a plan you clearly had for a while. You clearing out her room was incompetence at best and premeditated underhandedness at worst.
While I do understand that she didn’t need the room being at college, it should have been on you to communicate to all parties that 1) you didn’t quite actually have the room yet and 2) this was your plan from the beginning. This is assuming she doesn’t also return home during breaks, which I’m reading is a likely yes considering you used the word ‘technically’ in your justification of her not needing the room.
If she lived on her own, sure, she doesn’t need it, but even you recognize on some level that she in fact does.
By your lack of consideration of your child in the first place, I can see why she’s ‘turned on you’ seeing as you effectively booted her out of your home without notice. Landlords are required to give you more time than a day before your stuff is removed without cause; the bare minimum of a parent should be at least that.
The fact that you also got rid of her stuff is also a big jerk flag for me. Even if my parents would have cleared my room without me knowing (which they wouldn’t because that would be messed up) I would certainly at least expect them to keep them in a garage for me.
The cherry on top is how you called her a miserable brat – frankly, I think you’ve handled this horrendously and so I can only imagine the other nonsense she had to put up with.
Hope you’re happy alienating your child over this. Treating your child poorly over how they used to be is messed up. Even if they were rude in the past it doesn’t justify your irresponsibility.
No one forced you to marry a woman with 3 kids, dude. Your kids shouldn’t go by the wayside just because you decided recklessly that you could somehow provide for her kids in a way you clearly couldn’t. Not saying your stepkids don’t deserve better than what they had before, but providing such at the cost of your own children, grown or not, is an amazing amount of narcissism as a parent on your own part. You’re a parent for their entire lives, not until you’re legally allowed to turn them out.” felixfelicitous
4. WIBTJ If I Stopped Going To Family Therapy?
“I wasn’t the perfect father, but goshdarn, the way my daughter (Alana, 26) talks about me in therapy, you’d think I’d never done anything good for her at all. I get it. I messed up. But it’s like I told the therapist when he asked me how my daughter’s words made me feel: ‘I’m not trying to shift any blame, but my wife is right here and my daughter hasn’t said one bad word about her this entire time.
Is this going to be family therapy or bash Dad for an hour and forty-five minutes every week?’
He told me that, that uncomfortable feeling I felt and that frustration was how my daughter has been feeling for all these years. And I told him, ‘I get that, that’s why I’m here, so we can all get past that and move forward. Forward. Not continuously going back to the past and talking about things that we can’t change.
What are some solutions moving forward?’ And he said, ‘It starts with listening.’
That was the first session. We’re on session three. I’ve been listening and all I hear is a lot whole of ‘Daddy this’ and ‘Daddy that’ and I’m ready to call it quits and throw in the towel. I told my wife that she could go to the sessions without me from now on and she can listen to my daughter complain about me all they want because obviously if she hates me that much, it’s better if I stay away.
My wife said that if I stopped going that would make me a jerk because this isn’t about me and that we’re there to support our daughter in her healing process.
I said that was easy for her to say because she’s not the one getting targeted every week and if this isn’t about me (too) then this isn’t family therapy and I should just remove myself if I’m the cause of all the problems.
I’m having doubts though because I did neglect our daughter a lot when she was little, and I do want a better relationship with her, but if I have to keep going through this? God, no.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If it had been 3 years, I might have a bit of sympathy for you, but 3 sessions are just barely time enough to outline the edges of the problem.
If you actually want a relationship with your daughter and not just a salve for your guilt, you need to prepare yourself for weekly sessions in a similar vein for a minimum of 3 months. If you don’t start to see things starting to shift after that time, have a discussion with the therapist and your family about your goals as a group and individuals.
By that point, if the therapist is not starting to help her move out of a victim position and into a place of finding her own power in the situation, then yes, the therapy strategy may need to be evaluated.
HOWEVER, part of her finding her own power will be finding the power to leave painful relationships. If you have not done the soul searching to really understand her, made SINCERE apologies, and started working on amends in that time, her healing may need to be getting you out of her life.” CarpenterMom
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Wow… your post shows why your daughter is so unhappy with you.
You can’t even be bothered to listen to her for a few hours after she clearly has spent decades being hurt by you? You need to hear it all so that you can learn what you are making amends for. How else are you truly going to understand her perspective?? Listening is not the only work you should be doing. You also need to take ownership of it all in your brain, and that does mean hearing it all, and processing it all.
You can’t do that by skipping over the details. You would be surprised how much can be accomplished by just taking the time to allow the other person to completely say their piece. Part of this IS sitting with the discomfort of hearing about the crappy things you’ve done. Then you can move on to showing understanding and empathy, owning it out loud, and talking about reparation.
You can’t skip steps here.
Conversely, your impatience shows your lack of care for her experience and is just another way to dismiss her emotional concerns.” Educational_Fan3346
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ but please don’t give up.
It seems you think ‘moving forward’ means ‘get to a point where you can pretend the bad things I did never happened’. Like you think the goal of family therapy is for you to have the relationship with your daughter you would have had if you had been a better father.
Not only is that not the goal of therapy, but it also is impossible and can never happen. You need to let that go.
Your family is trying to have more positive relationships with each other. Different to what they would have been if you had been a better father when she was young but equally positive and precious.
It sounds like for your daughter to achieve a more positive relationship with you, she needs to let go of the resentment chaining her to the current state of your relationship.
I.e. saying the things she resents, out loud, to you, to help release them. You could try looking into ‘active listening’ rather than sitting in silence or getting defensive. She might be seeking validation from you that you understand why she feels that way and that you are not doubling down on your previous decisions that impacted her.
I get the feeling you validated her more in this post than you have in family therapy.
Also don’t think your wife will get away scot-free, once you have helped your daughter with this bit, she will probably have some difficult questions for your wife. Like ‘why did you not advocate for me when you could see how much I was hurting?’
To sum up, stopping going to therapy will probably be the nail in the coffin of your relationship with your daughter. Which I think would be a shame as there seems to be a lot of potential for your relationship, if you adjust your expectations for what the relationship should look like for the therapy to be considered as a success.” ttnl35
3. AITJ For Asking My Neighbor To Move Her Craft Room?
“My husband and I live in an upstairs 3 bedroom flat and the flat below us is the same layout. The house has been for sale for a while and recently a woman bought it. It turns out she doesn’t have any children so I found it strange she bought a 3 bedroom house but I soon found out it’s because she runs a craft business from home and needs 2 bedrooms to run it.
The problem is, unfortunately, she has decided to use the main bedroom, which is below us as her main craft room.
At first, it was fine as she hadn’t fully moved in but now it’s driving me crazy. She’s in that room almost all day and I can hear her walking about and the faint noise of machines. I don’t spend long in my bedroom during the day but when I do go in it just annoys me knowing she’s there constantly.
Like why can’t she have picked the smaller bedrooms since she knows the kids are at school all day? She always stops using her embroidery and sewing machines by 7 pm but she’s told me she can sit up until 10 pm some nights finishing off orders which play on my mind. I go to bed at 9 pm and I can’t sleep for hours as I lie there listening for her every move.
Just knowing she’s awake and walking about drives me crazy as I find it so selfish someone would buy a flat and work from home.
My husband says he can barely hear a thing during the day and I need to calm down. He also doesn’t see the big deal about her using her house as she pleases. Yesterday I finally had enough and went to her door.
I told her how I was feeling about everything and how I can hear the faint noise of her machines. She apologized and invited me inside to show me her setup. All her machines are on some sort of anti-vibration padding to stop as much noise as possible so she claims the noise should be minimal and that you need to expect some noise from neighbors.
I told her I don’t make any noise and that’s when things took a turn as she said she can hear my kids running around and jumping off furniture all evening but she would never dream of complaining because it’s just one of those things when you share a building with other people. I left before I said anything else I regretted and I thought that was the end of it but today my husband came home from working overnight and asked if I had said anything to the woman downstairs as she was very cold and blunt with him when he said hello.
I told him what happened and he said I’m a massive jerk. I’ve spoken to a couple of my friends who think I’ve handled this completely wrong and I’m a bit of a jerk for it but I don’t see what else I could have done.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and I’ll break down why and try to show you how you handled this all wrong and you are for unequivocally the jerk.
‘The house has been for sale for a while and recently a woman bought it. It turns out she doesn’t have any children so I found it strange she bought a 3 bedroom house.’
There are already two things wrong with this sentence. First, you judge her for not having children and having space. Not everyone has or wants children and doesn’t need them to justify wanting space.
Her choice in reproduction is none of your business. Secondly, those 2 other bedrooms could be used for anything. Several single people pick places with multiple rooms. One room could have been a guest room. She may have had friends or family who would stay the night, and so gives them a place to accommodate them. Or it could have been any number of other uses, a library, an office, a game room, storage room, exercise or yoga studio, or even a panic room.
Whatever use she has it is her home is her choice. If your children shared a room would you honestly not use that room for another purpose?
‘She runs a craft business from home.’ ‘She’s in that room almost all day and I can hear her walking about and the faint noise of machines.’
Keyword being ‘faint.’ It sounds like if it bothers you so much you could easily put on headphones, listen to music, use a noise machine, turn on a fan, or any number of things to drown it out if you wanted to.
She works from her home as well as lives there. Of course, you can hear her walking. It’s her house. If she hadn’t moved in someone else would still be walking above you, or if it were kids, even running around and jumping.
‘I don’t spend long in my bedroom during the day but when I do go in it just annoys me knowing she’s there constantly.’
So you can only hear it from your bedroom? Sounds like the rest of the house is quiet enough, and again, you can tune it out if you are in the bedroom.
What if a housewife moved in? She would ‘constantly’ be there too. Or a businessman who had to do zoom meetings all day, or is it just because she is a single childless artist that’s coloring your annoyance? And, here’s a fun thing, YOU don’t have to be in your room constantly! You could move to another room or go out.
‘Like why can’t she have picked the smaller bedrooms since she knows the kids are at school all day?’
HA! Her life she shouldn’t have to have to revolve around your children’s schedule, kids that are not hers and have no relationship to.
That’s very entitled of you.
‘She always stops using her embroidery and sewing machines by 7 pm.’
That is EXTREMELY considerate of her! As you earlier stated you wish she would rearrange her time around your kid’s schedule, it seems she took that into consideration, allowing plenty of leeways to get to bed quietly and to enjoy some peace and quiet from her machines. So she is making an attempt to consider your comfort, despite your lack of consideration for her work-related needs.
‘but she’s told me she can sit up until 10 pm some nights finishing off orders which play on my mind.’ ‘I go to bed at 9 pm and I can’t sleep for hours as I lie there listening for her every move. Just knowing she’s awake and walking about drives me crazy.’
Why?? You just admitted you literally lie awake at night hyper-fixating on her life? Her machines are off.
Do you think she WANTS to be up working late just to spite you?? She is just existing in her flat! but that very idea of her even being in her own home offends you. It sounds like you are becoming obsessed, choosing to get yourself worked over her and It sounds greatly dislike and look down upon her for not having the same sleep schedule as you.
You can CHOOSE to ignore her and not think about her.
‘I find it so selfish someone would buy a flat and work from home.’
Actually, considering we are in a GLOBAL HEALTH CRISIS, she is being very selfless and responsible. She is staying in HER OWN HOME and working from home, having no contact with clients for her safety and theirs. And yeah, even if she is being selfish, that’s fine.
She needs to survive and need to work to do that. She shouldn’t have to think of every single one of her neighbors whenever she makes the slightest sound, expecting that of her IS selfish, just to ease your annoyance from sounds you already admit are faint, and only heard in my bedroom and ends at 7. You are only focusing on your own comfort and wants.
That is selfish. One could also say it’s selfish for people with children to live in apartments with lots of neighbors who are loud, noises and destructive. Especially when the parent hypocritically dismisses any complaints about her precious little children making noise.
‘My husband says he can barely hear a thing during the day and I need to calm down. He also doesn’t see the big deal about her using her house as she pleases.’
Your husband is absolutely right and you should listen to him.
It doesn’t bother him or your kids, only you, and likely not for the reasons you are saying. stop getting worked up and stop obsessing over other people’s lives and being a busybody.
‘Yesterday I finally had enough and went to her door. I told her how I was feeling about everything and how I can hear the faint noise of her machines. She apologized and invited me inside to show me her setup.
All her machines are on some sort of anti-vibration padding to stop as much noise as possible so she claims the noise should be minimal and that you need to expect some noise from neighbors.’
You again used the word faint, which means you KNOW it’s not that loud. It is incredibly kind and hospitable of her to invite you into her home after storming to her flat to complain about a minor issue.
Many other people would have just slammed the door on your face. She has clearly made EVERY POSSIBLE EFFORT to make sure the noise is as quiet and non-disruptive as can be, being extremely considerate of her neighbors’ lives. In this entire post, you have not mentioned any efforts at all on your part to tolerate your issues with her and the noise or be as considerate and welcoming to her as she has been to you.
She is totally right. If you don’t want any noise, move someplace where the neighbors aren’t on every side of your wall to wall where you live.
‘I told her I don’t make any noise and that’s when things took a turn as she said she can hear my kids running around and jumping off furniture all evening but she would never dream of complaining because it’s just one of those things when you share a building with other people.’
Unless you are mute, deaf, and can levitate it’s impossible for you to not make any noise.
And by the sounds of it, your kids are even louder than any of your machines, and your neighbors obviously are annoyed and think your apartment is the loud one, but have enough tact, as she said, to not mention it and be considerate of the noise level and tolerant of your loud kids, even if you can’t tolerate anyone else. you can’t expect everyone else to be quiet in their own homes when you have made no effort to quiet down your kids.
Those who live in glass apartments shouldn’t throw stones.
‘I left before I said anything else I regretted and I thought that was the end of it but today my husband came home from working overnight and asked if I had said anything to the woman downstairs as she was very cold and blunt with him when he said hello. I told him what happened and he said I’m a massive jerk.
I’ve spoken to a couple of my friends who think I’ve handled this completely wrong and I’m a bit of a jerk for it.’
So everyone in your life considers you the jerk, yet you still came here to ask strangers on the internet if you’re the jerk? As if you didn’t believe everyone else hoping for someone who would take your side? Yes. You are the jerk.
And you also showed your neighbor who has been nothing but kind and thoughtful of her noise level you’re a jerk. She has every right to give you the cold shoulder! I just hope she doesn’t hold what you said to her against your husband.
‘But I don’t see what else I could have done. ‘
Move your bedroom instead of asking her to move her craft room.
Ignore it and let it go.
Put in earbuds, headphones or distracted yourself from the noise.
Go to a therapist about your obsessive-compulsive need to micromanage other people.
Teach your kids to be respectful of THEIR nose level and behave themselves.
Move to a new place with no neighbors or none that share a wall.
Accept you are the jerk after everyone told you so already in your social circle and now 2.2k strangers also tell you you’re the jerk, reflect on your choices, apologize to your neighbor, learn to tolerate, and become better instead of doubling down.
There were so many other thugs you could have done, don’t kid yourself. YTJ.” Catie_13
Another User Comments:
“You lie awake in bed for hours, unable to sleep, because you can’t handle the possibility that she’s in her craft room. You do realize of course that if she used the master bedroom as a bedroom that she’d be in there asleep, right? Possibly even sleeping with their partners, just a few yards away from you, separating only by the floor your bed is on.
The horror! (Note: if this is really keeping you awake at night, please seek professional help. It’s not normal to be unable to sleep because other people are in their homes.)
She’s making very minimal noise. Since you use the master bedroom as a bedroom, what on earth are you even doing in there during the day that someone else quietly using the room under you could be a problem?
The cherry on top is that you allow your children to run and to jump off furniture when you know darn well that someone lives below you.
Apparently, you have no concept whatsoever of how much noise that makes because no amount of rugs can stifle the fact that that shakes the ceiling, and depending on age possibly the whole damn building. Also, no matter how quietly you walk, I guaran-darn-tee you that your neighbor knows exactly where you are in your house at any given time as well as your showering and bathroom habits.
I wish I couldn’t imagine what you were thinking of saying that you’d regret, but I’m pretty sure I know. You were about to pull some next-level entitled parent nonsense about how your precious little angels can make as much noise as they please and that’s fine because the world revolves around them, it’s adults who need to be as quiet as the dead.
Of course YTJ.
Literally, every person in your life thinks so, including your husband. I hope he apologizes to the neighbor for his wife being an unreasonable jerk. I also hope your neighbor starts making a lot of noise whenever it isn’t quiet hours. You deserve it.
The nicest thing I can say about my upstairs neighbor is also true of you: you’d be a great candidate for single-family housing.” Alert-Potato
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
And honestly, it sounds like therapy might be a good choice for you. If you’re losing sleep knowing that an almost stranger is (checks notes) quietly walking around her own home, it’s affecting your life tremendously. Your husband said he barely hears any of this noise–this makes you look even more hypersensitive.
But what makes you the jerk is 1) you’re holding unreasonable expectations for somebody in their own home, which is not yours, and 2) that it didn’t occur to you that your noise would be more obtrusive since she lives below you, especially since you have kids.
Kids are loud. You seem to not realize that she trumped you there. You lost the argument. What’s more, it’s having an effect on your husband’s relationship with this neighbor, and probably your kids too. What happens when your kids are ‘really’ wilding out? What happens when they grow up and start playing their own music at obnoxious volumes? Things could escalate really quickly, and you’ve just set things in motion.” Ewan_Trublgurl
2. AITJ For Not Defending My Wife At The Dinner Table?
“My wife (27f) and me (36m) were having thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ house last Thursday. My wife has this weird habit of eating with a teaspoon all the time, instead of a regular spoon so when she and my mom were setting the table, she took a teaspoon for herself. Anyways, when she was eating with it, my dad pointed it out to her and asked ‘why on earth are you eating with that tiny spoon? Y’know eating in tiny mouthfuls isn’t gonna help you lose those extra pounds you have.’ I saw it as a harmless joke at the time and laughed along with it, so did my wife at the time but when we were going back home she seemed annoyed with me and at first, I didn’t get why until she told me it was because I let my dad joke about her weight and didn’t defend her.
She has had some trouble with her weight lately but I didn’t think she’d get so angry over the joke
At the time, she seemed chill about the joke and it really seemed harmless, if someone joked about me that way, I wouldn’t take it to heart. Personally, I don’t think her reaction was reasonable and I don’t get why she’s still annoyed at me for it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if there’s still any doubt but let me clue you in.
Most of the western world lives under the fallacy that being skinny is equal to beauty. So carrying extra pounds, especially if your wife is STRUGGLING to lose them can be extremely difficult on the psyche! The women from my mother’s side have been ‘cursed’ with the lower abdominal paunch, even my tiny 5 foot-nothing, 92-year-old Great-Grandmother had it up until the day she died and she ate like a bird and hadn’t much body fat on her frame.
Your WIFE was hurt that you laughed with your Father at HER expense. A loving spouse shouldn’t find someone, even close family members, who make insensitive or joking comments about their mate’s appearance. You should have told your father immediately that his comment was uncalled for. Would YOU find it funny if someone called your Mother ugly or your Father a jerk? And would you be amused if your wife thought those comments were hilarious?
You owe your wife MORE than a few half-hearted apologies! How do I know that they were half-hearted? Because you STILL don’t see what you did as wrong.
I would suggest that you plan a special evening, give your lady some lovely flowers, take her out to a nice restaurant and buy her a nice bracelet with a beautiful card that says you understand that your amusement was hurtful and that you’re VERY sorry for not getting it right away. Then it would probably be a good idea to talk to your father about his hurtful comments!” JipC1963
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – and it’s about as ‘reasonable’ as it can be considering you ‘get it’, but clearly don’t believe you’re the jerk.
So most likely your apologies have been of the self-serving variety – not because you understand how hurtful it was to her and how betrayed and unsupported she probably still feels.
And I’m sure your wife wasn’t chill at the table, she was probably more in shock at the rudeness and audacity of you and your father. Would you rather your wife have made a scene and left the table? What did you think she was going to do when being embarrassed by her FIL and laughed at by her husband?
I’m sorry for your wife, you don’t get it because you don’t have any empathy and you’re more concerned about yourself and being right than how awful of an experience that must have been for her to be in that position.
You’re supposed to have her back, be her support system, be on her team, and give her every reason in the world to trust you (and vice versa). If you don’t understand that’s what marriage needs to work you really ought to go get some counseling both individual and as a couple or this won’t be the last time you do something to hurt her and she loses her faith in you and your relationship.” Fair-Change
Another User Comments:
“YTJ!!! A major one at that.
Your dad insulted your wife and not only did you not stand up for her, you didn’t call your dad out for doing the wrong thing, you also proceeded to join in on the ‘joke’.
Before we went NC with my MIL one Christmas she gave my husband, his siblings, and their partner great presents (V8 supercars experience for the guys and day spa vouchers for the girls).
Comes time for me to open my present, I get 2 weight loss books and a cheap leopard-print purse all from the op shop with the price tags still attached. I have a medical condition that causes problems with my weight and I hated leopard print with a passion. She knows both these things, I’d been around for 3 years by this stage. My husband picked up his and my presents handed them back to her and in front of the whole extended family told her that what she did was petty, spiteful, mean, and pathetic.
He also stated that he would not stand for her to treat his fiance (we weren’t married at the time) like that. He stated that we were leaving, told her that she ruined Christmas for everyone and that he hope she was happy with herself. We went to NC with her 6 months after this, that was 8 years ago and we’ve got 2 kids she will never meet.
The moral of this story is that a true partner stands up for and protects their spouse.
If you want any form of a future with your wife it’s time to man up and stand up for her otherwise I see a divorce in your not-so-distant future.” ibil24
1. AITJ For Leaving My Son Outside On Christmas Eve?
“I have 4 children and I’m pretty easygoing, they don’t have a lot of rules they have to abide by, it’s simple, be respectful, do your chores, and for the 2 teenagers (15&16) be back before 10 pm.
My 16-year-old son came home at 11 last night, on Christmas Eve, when the house was already locked up after missing about 10 calls from me. He knocked to get in and I just called him back and told him he could sleep in the treehouse and that there were already blankets up there and hopefully this would be a lesson to stick to curfew.
He was apparently on a date with someone (whom we haven’t met) and didn’t realize his phone was set an hour behind. To me, that’s all excuses, I told him he had the rest of the night in the cubby to reset his time and we’d see him in the morning.
I opened the door at 6, nice and early and he came in and went to bed, slept until lunchtime, holding his siblings up from opening their gifts because we do it all together as a family.
He thanked everyone for his gifts and went back to sleep after lunch.
My husband said I completely overreacted, it was an honest mistake and he’s exhausted from not being able to sleep in the treehouse, he would have been able to, it was warm enough and I put enough bedding up there. Still, my husband says it was a complete jerk move.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m a social worker in Europe and if your son told me this story during a session I would report you.
A treehouse is not a suitable sleeping arrangement without the child’s consent. Your kid has never broken curfew, so don’t have a tendency to challenge your rules and authority. It’s also very dumb that he doesn’t have a key, that way you don’t have to whine about ‘waking people up’. He responded at 10:40 that he was on his way when he had a DATE so, of course, the kid isn’t going to have his phone on loud or check it before that.
Also, manual time on phones is very common, I myself also use it because the time changes sometimes don’t adjust on my phone unless I do a complete restart.
You’re parenting from your ego and your weird morals. Your kid can’t have a curfew to midnight (even tho he’s 16) because you don’t want him running around at that time but you will lock him out of the house at 10 pm, resulting in the exact thing and him being out all night.
I never had a curfew when I was younger, my parents didn’t treat me like a toddler when I was 16 either. I always let them know where I was and the two times in my life where my mom couldn’t get a hold of me I called her an hour after when I was on my way home. She didn’t lock me out, she explained that she was really worried and that I should really pay more attention to the time and my phone with her calls.
It never happened after that. Because my parents treated me with the same amount of respect they expected me to show them.
But hey, keep defending yourself instead of listening to other people, that’s pretty on-brand with your parenting style: ‘I’m right, even when I’m wrong!’
Again, why doesn’t your kid have his own key? Most kids get those at 12 when they go to high school, and it’s also a great way of teaching them responsibility.” jamarwoerst
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, as a therapist you were out of line.
There are 3 types of parenting authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. You are authoritarian which has less than desirable outcomes. Overly controlling and bordering on abusive. I suggest reading up on parenting styles and figuring out how you want your kids to treat you when you’re older and need their help. Now that we’ve addressed that, here’s the second issue: IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE, of any night to give your teen a pass this would be it.
You are responsible for putting a damper on Christmas Day for your entire family due to your overreaction to the curfew. So yes YTJ.
You need to apologize to your son and look at yourself. What kind of relationship do you want with your kids? Do you want them to feel safe coming to you when they inevitably make a mistake (it’s life and they are kids they’re going to mess up sometimes) or be fearful and avoidant of you? Or rebel completely and want no relationship with you? Given your son missed 10 calls from you my guess is that he’s avoidant of you already because of how you (over) react.
You want to change that you need to work on yourself.” Warm_Yard844
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He broke the rules, yes, but your punishment is WAY over the top and inappropriate. Also, I always give my kids one mulligan for small mistakes. If they miss curfew once, come home, and apologize they will get a verbal warning and it’s a discussion. Happens again, no going out for a week or phone is getting taken way, etc.
Think about your work. The first time you mess up are you fired immediately? There’s an escalation process. Also, is your child generally a good kid? My kids get good grades, they are respectful, nice kids. I tend to always give them the benefit of the doubt because they’ve shown me time and time again that they do the right thing and have a good head on their shoulders.
Growing up you will make mistakes and while I absolutely believe in consequences, as parents we must be fair, open, and be willing to lead/teach our kids not just strike fear in them.
My dad was over the top like this and I was a straight student, gifted program, active in my church, etc. If I made a mistake it was world war 3 and I got severe punishments. It taught me that I could never go to him when I made a mistake or needed help. It also made me a good liar because I lived in fear all the time. This is what you’re teaching your son..” 1-2-buckle-my-shoes
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Dare him to ever pull that little stunt again. He is using you and you need to really consider how strong your marriage truly is. As someone else pointed out, can you afford to take him to the hospital?